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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to end it - please help :(

436 replies

HelpMeDoThisPlease · 20/09/2018 10:47

Hi,

Hoping I've come to the right place for some hand holding and some help :(

I've been with my husband since I was 16, and he is the only relationship I have ever had. I am now 30 and he is 34, we have 2 daughters in primary school and we live in a private rented house.

Things have been bad for a very long time between us, and recently I have started to confide in my sister how he treats me and talk to me, and she has confirmed my thoughts - that he is being emotionally abusive and controlling (I don't think on purpose maybe as he has autism). I have started a new hobby and made new friends, and he really doesn't like it (I've never had a hobby in the time we've been together due to fiances/how he gets). I feel that he is trying to isolate me from any support structure I have, but this new hobby is opening my eyes, helping de-spaghettify my head, and giving me strength.

I can't go on like this anymore. I have anxiety which he makes worse, and things are so much harder due to him than they should be. I'm sick of everything being my fault, and criticized no matter what I do. I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength.

The things that is keeping me going is that I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this. On top of this, I know the only way it will get 'better' is if he succeeds in making it so unpleasant that I give up my hobby, which I won't do.

So now to where I need help...as this is my first relationship ever, I have no idea how to actually go about ending things. Do I just ask him to move out, how does that talk go, what do I say? I'm so confused, and don't know where to start, and I'm scared and anxious.

I should add the before we got married he was sometimes physically abusive, however this has not happened in about 10 years now (I still get scared when he gets angry though).

Thanks for any help and advice

OP posts:
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LucyMorningStar · 22/09/2018 10:38

You're not breaking up the family! You're making sure your children don't learn that behaving the way that man is doing, is normal and acceptable! You're showing them it's ok to stand up for yourself and not allow others to treat you like shit! You're making it possible for them to not grow up in a toxic environment!

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 10:45

Thank you @lucy, it helps to be reminded of that... It's so easy when he's being 'nice' to forget or excuse all his bad behavior and believe it's all caused by me and that I'm this awful monster who should want to make it work...

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WhatAPandemonium · 22/09/2018 10:46

The 'not caring' are HIS words and are not based on any kind of reality.

He has been able to manipulate your feelings and emotions for a long time. He is the one who doesn't care, but he flips it around on to you, because it's too much of a burden for him to deal with, therefor easier for him to rationalise that you're the one with the problem.

eelbecomingforyou · 22/09/2018 10:50

You can’t go on like this.

When you get in tonight, tell him it’s over. Say why. Say he’s controlling and suffocating and treating you badly.

Say you’re planning on moving out and are looking at houses. Say you know he will want to keep things normal for the dc, so he can either stay in the house and you both be civil, or he can move out.

LucyMorningStar · 22/09/2018 11:10

Being nice is part of his fucked up game. It won't last long, you'll be reminded soon enough.

MrsMozart · 22/09/2018 11:22

His 'reality' is in his head. It only works if he can control you. You're a person in your own right and no one has the right to control you.

Gemini69 · 22/09/2018 11:28

The 'not caring' are HIS words and are not based on any kind of reality

He has been able to manipulate your feelings and emotions for a long time. He is the one who doesn't care, but he flips it around on to you, because it's too much of a burden for him to deal with, therefor easier for him to rationalise that you're the one with the problem.

this is spot on... he's a control freak that realises he is losing control.. this is when they become more dangerous.. irrational.. desperate to gain back control of you ... please be honest with you Mum and your Sister today lady.. tell them you might need help and it might be sudden... be you must share what he has been and still is doing to you.. so that someone knows and can verify your fears should he get nasty Flowers

Lollypop701 · 22/09/2018 11:28

When you are having a wobble make a picture in your head of your own home, the girls playing with the kitten, dinner cooking and you have a glass of wine In Your hand. This is what you are doing. You might be entitled to benefits when you leave, which will help with any childcare costs and of course maintenance for the children. You are doing so well op, keep telling your internal abuser to bugger off! Flowers

awesmum · 22/09/2018 11:36

Oh wow this is me right now. Back and forth feeling dreadful but determined all at the same time. Thanks

CashewNutsAndWine · 22/09/2018 11:51

Can you stay at your mum or sisters? Leave him to it.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 11:54

Been honest with my mum and sister and they are being fab. Sadly I can't stay with either :(

Stbxh has gone to his parents, after sending me a message not to freak out when I get home and he's not there.... Sadly it will only be for a couple of hours...

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30000Lakes · 22/09/2018 12:02

You can do this! You'll be so glad you did.

BlueNeighbourhood1 · 22/09/2018 12:14

This is one of the first times I've read a thread of this kind and felt like I needed to reply.

You are doing amazingly well, staying strong for yourself and your girls. Please learn the phrase grey rock and how to do it, and please don't succumb to him and what he wants as things would never improve.

Right now he's losing his grip over you, and he knows it hence the messages about worrying if he's not there, looking at other houses and visiting estate agents. He's testing the water with each question to try and work out how best to get a reaction from you, and I can guarantee that this evening when you aren't bothered about him being at his parents the thinly veiled killing himself routine will come out.

Stay strong OP! You can have a fabulous life and 2018 Christmas with your girls and mum and sister, imagine your kitten pawing away at the Christmas tree, putting up decorations with the girls without being worried about how he'll react to it, wrapping presents with a glass of wine, having friends from your social club over. Your anxiety will stop when he goes, he is making you scared to even want to see your friends. You're going to be so much happier, that I can promise you.

Please use grey rock on his threats and please get things moving to leave! Good luck.

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 22/09/2018 12:26

I would ignore his text. Stupid man.... don’t crumble OP

MrsMozart · 22/09/2018 12:34

Well done on telling sis and mum.

He is now STBX. When you go home just do your thing. You don't need him or his dramas and his control.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 12:39

Thank you all! Your support is making a world of difference! The thought of the future kitten playing with the Christmas tree and the wrapping paper made me cry with happiness! Got to hold on to that.

I did respond to his text asking him how long he'd be out.... Feel like I messed up by doing that...

Just got home to an empty house with the kids, and it was amazing! No anxiety about how he'd Be when I walk through the door like normal... Dreading him coming back

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CashewNutsAndWine · 22/09/2018 12:45

Tell him to stay there!

Furx · 22/09/2018 12:59

I think it makes if pretty clear how don’t ‘have‘ anxiety

You are living with an abusive cockwomble who makes you anxious.

Important difference.

You are so, so strong. My stomach was in knots reading your descriptions. How the hell you have lived through this without going mad is just amazing.

And yeah, nice him doesn’t actually exist, it’s just an act to reel you in. He is who he is. An arsehole.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 13:00

His parents won't have him sadly

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bangourvillagebesttimeever · 22/09/2018 13:03

It’s time for you to realise your anxiety issues are highly likely due to him...

BlueNeighbourhood1 · 22/09/2018 13:04

Out of interest, why won't his parents have him? Does he have form for this sort of behaviour?

Furx · 22/09/2018 13:05

..postd to soon.

And yes to reading loads of threads on here. There is a script. It is eerie how closely they all follow it.

He‘ll flip between nice, nasty, accusations of you having an affair, he’ll cry, be lovely, give you puppy eyes, he’ll threaten suicide, he’ll be diagnosed with a mysterious cancer, he’ll get angry, he’ll be furious, he’ll be scary and calm.

Once you step back from the emotion you can actually see them trying each one on for the reaction.

And of course he is MOST terrifying when he is nice and calm and a bit sorry. Because you KNOW whats coming. It’s like a fucking horror movie.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 13:09

His parents say due to space... But they are both very similar to him...

He has accused me of an affair... And he's definitely cycling through different methods as described... They really all do follow an M.O don't they...

OP posts:
BlueNeighbourhood1 · 22/09/2018 13:14

The best thing you can do is keep repeating that you don't want to be together anymore and want to separate. Keep all discussions practical with him, don't keep circling and coming back to the marriage. He's lost control, until the next woman comes along you will be the focus of his rage.

He will go through every script to get a reaction so please prepare for that, just remember everything you have said on here and your vision for your future with your daughters. Keep a Pintrest page for ideas for kittens and new home decor and Christmas, something to keep you going when all these accusations and stories start - because heaven forbid he would never realise he was at fault it's everyone else.

Give it a couple of months and you'll be coming out on the other side of this.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 15:08

Thank you :) pinterest is a really good idea!

He's still not home yet... And apart from the anxiety of expecting him home... It's amazing what a nice quite calm afternoon at home it's been.

Feeling so tiered and drained now though... Just want to go to sleep

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