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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to end it - please help :(

436 replies

HelpMeDoThisPlease · 20/09/2018 10:47

Hi,

Hoping I've come to the right place for some hand holding and some help :(

I've been with my husband since I was 16, and he is the only relationship I have ever had. I am now 30 and he is 34, we have 2 daughters in primary school and we live in a private rented house.

Things have been bad for a very long time between us, and recently I have started to confide in my sister how he treats me and talk to me, and she has confirmed my thoughts - that he is being emotionally abusive and controlling (I don't think on purpose maybe as he has autism). I have started a new hobby and made new friends, and he really doesn't like it (I've never had a hobby in the time we've been together due to fiances/how he gets). I feel that he is trying to isolate me from any support structure I have, but this new hobby is opening my eyes, helping de-spaghettify my head, and giving me strength.

I can't go on like this anymore. I have anxiety which he makes worse, and things are so much harder due to him than they should be. I'm sick of everything being my fault, and criticized no matter what I do. I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength.

The things that is keeping me going is that I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this. On top of this, I know the only way it will get 'better' is if he succeeds in making it so unpleasant that I give up my hobby, which I won't do.

So now to where I need help...as this is my first relationship ever, I have no idea how to actually go about ending things. Do I just ask him to move out, how does that talk go, what do I say? I'm so confused, and don't know where to start, and I'm scared and anxious.

I should add the before we got married he was sometimes physically abusive, however this has not happened in about 10 years now (I still get scared when he gets angry though).

Thanks for any help and advice

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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woolduvet · 08/10/2018 12:40

Well done and what an idiot! At least he's confirmed you're well rid.

Moffa · 08/10/2018 12:57

Well done! Under a month to go! Sending hugs Flowers

BlueNeighbourhood · 08/10/2018 13:02

Are you in the least bit surprised he's not speaking to you?

His plans have failed, the begging and pleading haven't worked so now he's going silent in the vain hope you'll miss him and beg him to come back to you. When that doesn't work he'll probably start to get angry.

I'm so happy for you that it's all gone so well and it looks like you're nearing the end. Have you found a kitten yet??

Catlover97 · 08/10/2018 13:27

HelpMe I've just read your entire thread. You have done amazingly well achieving so much in such a short space of time. Flowers Fingers crossed for your move date, will your mum and sister be able to help?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/10/2018 15:11

Brilliant news - please do not tell him in case he gets angry/violent or puts you and the DC at risk.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 09/10/2018 17:07

Great news just under a month to go Grin

mammynowanauntyIRL · 11/10/2018 20:11

How are things now?

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 12/10/2018 11:27

Things are going ok. Still no contact from him regarding the children apart from that 1 phone call with them...

Starting to work through my list of things to switch over to the new place. It's getting there! Will be glad when I'm moved and in - hate packing and all the stress with it!

Everyone is saying it's amazing how much happier I am! It really feels like a mountain has been lifted off my shoulders! My anxiety is a lot more manageable at the moment too!

OP posts:
PaleRider1 · 12/10/2018 11:58

Well done. onwards and upwards. Glad you are feeling a lot better in yourself.

BlueNeighbourhood · 12/10/2018 12:45

I'm so pleased for you, and that you've taken on board all of the advice given previously in the post and are now about to embark on a brand new journey with your girls, and a great chance to find happiness.

I hope the drama is still going well and it's nearly time for that performance. Good luck! Keep us updated, this really was an inspiring thread.

Can't believe you're going to have a kitten at Christmas!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/10/2018 16:02

So happy to hear things are moving forward for you, I hope they continue to improve.

Fantastic to hear you feel happier and less anxious already. You can do this. You ARE going this! Flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/10/2018 16:02

*doing not going! Stupid autocorrect (or stupid fingers)

mammynowanauntyIRL · 12/10/2018 16:25

@helpmedothis
It's a chance to declutter your possessions - did he take any of his stuff to his parents when he went there or have you to pack that up too?

Delighted for you

Mix56 · 12/10/2018 16:55

He is playing his last cards, by refusing to see the DC he assumes you will back down. idiot

carly2803 · 12/10/2018 20:08

Just read this thread from start to finish - your doing amazing OP :)

Have a lovely christmas in your new home with your kids and kitten!!

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 25/10/2018 10:51

Just thought I'd update everyone as it's been a while!

I move house in a week! I am nowhere near ready with packing - there is so much to do. The ex has cleared out the few bits he wanted, but has left the disposal of what he doesn't to me....

He's only seeing the kids on Saturdays during the day.... I asked him if he would like to have them this Sunday as well and got told by him that 'while it is agonizing being ejected from the kids lives, he cannot facilitate me living a single life and that I have to sort my problems out myself'.... Basically being petty and making things harder for me is more important to him than a relationship with his kids... he's such a twat.

On that note, when he saw the kids for the first time on Saturday, it turns out he's been telling them that he misses me, that he'd love for us all to live together again etc... completely frigging screwing with their heads...

Got a meeting for universal credit on Monday, which I'm anxious about as it won't let me put in my new address as I've not moved there yet, so not sure how that will be handled...

But I'm feeling so much better at the moment...my anxiety has improved greatly, I'm seeing friends and family so much more. My sister can come over for a film and bring her dogs with no moodiness from the ex or me feeling on edge the whole time!

OP posts:
BlueNeighbourhood · 25/10/2018 14:58

It sounds like it's a lot better than it ever has been for you - and it's great news that it's only one week to go now!

Of course he is going to speak to the children and try and twist things in their heads, but just remember it isn't going to work, and can't change anything and it's also just a sign of his desperation. Has he found a new place to stay or is he staying with his parents? Have his parents interfered anymore with the whole thing?

It's staggering he's using the kids as a weapon against you and hasn't seen them for so long. It shows that it's all about him and how he feels and trying to be awkward for the sake of it.

Mix56 · 25/10/2018 15:07

on the up, well done.
Re kids, his attitude can only reenforce your decision to continue without him... Idiot

woolduvet · 25/10/2018 15:41

Does he realise his refusal to have the kids overnights impacts on his maintenance.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 25/10/2018 21:07

Great to see such a positive update! Very excited for you, it's the simple things we crave like film with your sister

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 26/10/2018 14:27

He does realize this, however as he is living with his sister at the moment, he can't easily have them overnight, which I get - but I offered him every Saturday or Sunday and then every other Sunday or Saturday, but he won't do that as apparently that is facilitating me living a single life!

He then had the cheek to tell me, after he's refusing to pay his half of the left over rent, that we need to be amicable for the children! He has also sent me an email telling me that I should be thinking very carefully before throwing away all of our time together.... he's an absolute tosser...

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 26/10/2018 14:40

He hasn't been ejected from their lives, he's ejecting himself. Whether for selfish or spiteful reasons is irrelevant.

Might be an idea to keep note of what he's saying to your children and when. Parental alienation is usually taken very seriously, which is what he's doing.

Olderbyaminute · 26/10/2018 23:52

Your last post is unsettling to me-is his email a subtly veiled threat? Be very careful! I’d bring it to attention of your solicitor at minimum and/or the police.
Your stbex is a real mf sob! Where’s his mommy now? I thought she saw herself as his marriage/life coach?!
Enjoy your freedom from that asshole and good luck to anyone else who ends up with him

Moffa · 28/10/2018 20:41

Hi OP, well done! You are so brave! Not long to go now! I just re-read your first post & you say he has autism. Does he have a diagnosis? I’m just asking because I’ve been reading & posting on a thread about Aspergers and it’s been like a thunderbolt - my H is definitely on the spectrum (cold, unemotional, obsessive about work etc). My H would never agree to getting an official diagnosis. If we have ‘the chat’ about separating I think he will get nasty.

I think I envy that you are actually doing this - I don’t want my kids growing up thinking this is normal either. But am I brave enough?! X

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 31/10/2018 10:42

Hi Moffa, he does have an actual diagnosis, but as people on this thread and family and friends have pointed out, that is no excuse to be abusive or a reason why I have to stay if I'm not happy!

I would suggest starting a thread here if you want to separate, it was my lifeline and sanity check! The strength every here gave me was amazing, I'm not sure I could have done it without it!

2 days to go until I get the keys to my new place! I'm so excited for a fresh start! Already I'm becoming more confident in making decisions, learning that I don't have to second guess someone else's reactions now (not that there was ever a right decision and answer, as no matter what I did it was wrong to him!).

I'm starting to enjoy life again, and feel energized and alive. The black cloud that was always there at home has gone, and I can now relax and be happy! I just wish I'd done it sooner tbh!

OP posts: