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Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

(408 Posts)
Lily007 Tue 10-Jul-18 10:42:13

Wow need to start a new thread.

The support I’ve had from all the posters has been amazing and very much appreciated and I hope will continue.

Zaphodsotherhead Tue 10-Jul-18 11:39:19

Reporting for duty - Sah! <salutes>

Lily007 Tue 10-Jul-18 12:05:18

Thanks Zaph 😊

Just been to doctors for medication review. She asked me how I’ve been doing and I just fell apart 😭

When will this torture end? I’m feeling, yet again, as though I just can’t do this any longer, although I don’t know what alternative I’ve got.

Since I got back I’ve just been sitting going over our life together and I still can’t believe he can go from loving me so much to not giving a toss. That really hurts.

beeefcake Tue 10-Jul-18 14:00:46

It's good for you to let your feelings out Lily xxxx

Zaphodsotherhead Tue 10-Jul-18 14:01:42

There will still be days like this. It's still very recent and raw.

But if you look back, see how much less frequent these days are now. You might not yet be at the stage of finding pleasure in things, but that will also come back. You're allowed to grieve, he still did a terrible, awful thing to you, but as your new normal becomes more 'normal' and you make new memories that don't include him, it will get easier.

I can't believe they are all over Insta and FB with their loved up crap though. That shows an utter lack of class and empathy. But, then again, anyone can be madly in love after 16 weeks. It's when real life really starts to dig its toes in (as I said before, D&V and an unpaid bill will do it) that the cracks start to show.

Sunflowersforever Tue 10-Jul-18 14:35:09

For whatever reason, he does seem able to cut people out of his life. You, children. Not a good side of his nature.

Bluntness100 Tue 10-Jul-18 14:55:47

Hmmm, what did doc say?

And you know not to just sit and think about it, it just makes you upset. Get up and do something to take your mind off it.,go shopping, read a book, watch something on tv,, something,,,anything to force your mind off it.

Lily007 Tue 10-Jul-18 15:03:27

I’d really appreciate if we could drop the whole subject of DD’s. They truly have no bearing on the break up of my marriage but I would just say, XH was devastated at the estrangement and tried his very best to avoid it.

As I’ve said previously XH had a very close relationship with my DS, speaking to him most days. After XH left, he tried to contact him but my DS was so disgusted and, out of loyalty to me, refused to speak with him.

Thanks Zaph. I know you’re right in that my bad days are getting fewer but they still make me feel so shitty and hopeless.

I need to stop moping, I know 🙄

Zaphodsotherhead Tue 10-Jul-18 15:05:33

Any chance (and I almost hate to say this, because it's such a 'Mumsnet cliche and it's a bit 'faddy' to diagnose every twat) that he's on the spectrum?

I only say that because my XH (deffo Aspergers) could do this 'cutting people out' thing. There was a whole list of people who'd 'stopped talking to him' who, on closer analysis, he had actually just stopped contacting and expected them to get in touch with him first. Something in his mindset told him that he was right to stop talking to anyone who displeased him and to just ignore them as if they'd never existed. If they made the first move, he'd go back to chatting to them as if nothing had happened. If they didn't - well, they stopped being.

Just cutting contact with his children made me wonder...

fannycraddock72 Tue 10-Jul-18 15:06:53

Have you thought about blocking them on all forms of social media? I did the same, it’s natural, I think someone once phrased it as “pain shopping” but eventually I blocked them, anything me I spent focusing on them the less I focussed on myself and moving on with my life.

He sounds like he has all the typical narcissistic traits that most cheaters do..lack of empathy, discard, wearing a mask, mirroring.

fannycraddock72 Tue 10-Jul-18 15:09:01

@Zaphodsotherhead

If he’s not on the spectrum then as I mentioned he definitely sounds like he’s got some sort of personality disorder... narcissistic, borderline or Dickhead-itis!

Zaphodsotherhead Tue 10-Jul-18 15:09:18

I think he's already blocked on everything fanny. It's other people seeing the posts and telling Lily about it, that's how she knows what's going on.

bluetrampolines Tue 10-Jul-18 15:19:46

Hello. I'm new to this thread! smile I agree, 'on the spectrum' seems to be an excuse for being totally self absorbed. My stbxh has loads of spectrum traits but he is quite simply a vindictive bastard.

Being strong is exhausting.

bethy15 Tue 10-Jul-18 15:20:26

I posted this in the old thread.

I would say it's probably not in your best interests to see and look at every post he or now she makes. Maybe looking at her facebook, even if it isn't private may not be the best thing. But even so, he blocked you on SM, so he's not necessarily posting it to hurt you, maybe he really is just living his life.
I know you said his friends asked him not to post due to upsetting you, but if he's blocked you, to him you won't see them anyway. And if you are finding out through other people, if they think it upsets you they could always stop sharing it with you.

I also think his adult daughters not having any contact at all rings alarm bells. For both to have none at all seems off. People are never NC with truly loving and caring parents. Even if they had wayward teenage years, they usually realise where the love is. Things are very rarely only one way, so it cannot all be the daughters fault, even more so as there are two of them. As you don't want to talk about it, I suspect there's very big issues there and as I said, things are very rarely one way, and no one side is 100% right or wrong. Things happen both ways, and clearly the daughters see things very differently.

MsPavlichenko Tue 10-Jul-18 15:33:26

He is a bastard as I have said before. I don't know or want to get into anything relating to his other relationships with his DC or anybody else.

What I will say is that he is unlikely to have had a complete personality change overnight. The selfish and entitled part of him may well have been hidden from you in the main but I suspect it has always been there.

I am not suggesting that he didn't love you at all. He did ( may still ). But like many lovely, kind and often well liked men when push comes to shove they put themselves first. I have seen it before. They love their partners, they love their DC etc but their own needs/ wants and desires are always paramount. This may be who he is fundamentally.

KOKO.

Lily007 Tue 10-Jul-18 15:56:06

Mmm. I don’t think he’s on the ‘spectrum’. I do feel he has some narcissistic traits though.

He absolutely hates it when people fall out with him. It’s really important to him to be liked and popular.

My DIL trained as a clinical psychologist and she says he has a very impulsive and obsessive personality. Whatever he does, he throws himself at it full on, he also does things without thinking them through.

If he does fall out with anyone and they apologise, he’ll forgive easily, he doesn’t really hold a grudge.

He’s not too keen on having to deal with the consequences of his actions though. He seems to think that if he says sorry anything should be forgiven. If only 🙄

This is why I know the fact that all my family and our mutual friends are ostracising him will be hurting him terribly.

Bluntness100 Tue 10-Jul-18 16:13:41

I don't see anything here to say he's on the spectrum, he's not routinely cutting people out and can clearly maintain friendships for years.

And I can do it. It's the result of an abusive childhood. I simply force myself not to think about a certain person and situation. I don't do it often but I can walk away from people with relative ease if required and protect myself emotionally, it's a self preservation tactic.

I'm not sure trying to diagnose him with some mental health disorder is really helpful here. Or what benefit it serves.

My opinion would be he is no contact with you Lilly due to guilt and because it's easier for him. It's that simple. With his social circle he probably realised there was no way back.

For the house , He is probably giving you a period of grace to live in the house unbothered and with his financial support , to enable you to have time to move on, so a court cannot say he behaved unreasonably and didn't give you time. In addition it maintains his ownership and prevents repossession.

As said, I do think he will probably look to buy you out as settlement when it comes to it, as you cannot maintain their on your own and It's the only valid financial option he has on the table. Equity is low, he would struggle with getting another mortgage, so taking over the house would be the only sensible option for him whilst giving you a lump sum.

Looking at rhe practicalities of what stunt he will pull next is probably more beneficial, but I'm more action based. You've already got legal advice so, should hopefully be prepared what ever he does, because he will do something, it's really just a question of when.

Zaphodsotherhead Tue 10-Jul-18 16:40:02

I'm not 'trying to diagnose' anyone. My XH was Aspergers and had no difficulty at all in cutting the entire family out of his life and I wondered if it was something particular to the syndrome. If Lilys XH had any traits it might go some way to explain how he's managed so easily to forget she, and his children, ever existed.

Okay, so he's just a twat.

kaitlinktm Tue 10-Jul-18 16:40:33

I'm Lily's clicky link monitor grin

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3253611-Starting-over-after-25-years?watched=1&msgid=79315033#79315033

Lizzie48 Tue 10-Jul-18 16:45:35

No way should we be diagnosing MH disorders in a discussion forum. FWIW, though, I don't really see from the OP's posts any evidence that her XH is on the spectrum. He's just behaved like a middle aged man having a midlife crisis.

Zaphodsotherhead Tue 10-Jul-18 16:52:09

ASD isn't a mental health disorder though, Lizzie is it? It's a syndrome.

To be pedantic about it.

And I was only fucking wondering ffs. Not trying to diagnose him.

Bluntness100 Tue 10-Jul-18 16:52:50

I don't think he's forgotten that Lilly or his kids exist to be honest. His kids have a back story and we don't know it and I'm not sure why he would be contacting Lilly. What's to say?

Let's be honest when you've behaved like a piece of shit towards someone it's much easier to stay out of their way.

I'm not sure why the pair of them are doing all the social media crap though, other than the fact they feel they have nothing to hide or reason to hide it anymore. Lilly is aware they are Together, so it's not a secret but it does seem deliberately cruel as it appears to be flaunting it, and I don't understand why he would wish to do that.

Sunflowersforever Tue 10-Jul-18 17:08:43

Ladies, @MsPavlichenko has got it spot on, and is something we overlook.

Really nice, kind and lovely men are still men who put themselves first when push comes to shove.

Stbxh wanted something and prioritised him

tootstastic Tue 10-Jul-18 17:27:53

Hey Lily and the gang, love what you've done with the place grin

Sorry you had such a tough time at the docs Lily, you've had a difficult couple of days and probably needed to let it all out. Did it help?

It's hard not knowing what the future holds with the house and how long he'll keep paying and I'm sure that must add to your worry, not helped by the odd couple's cringeworthy antics, of course.

We can speculate about his personality disorders, narcissism does sound quite fitting, but I think it's worth mentioning that lots men (including my own DF) seem to choose to completely close down each chapter of their lives when moving on to the next. So I don't think his behaviour, although horrid, is particularly unusual. Men like this are also not good at being on their own, so there is always a partner, often literally any port in a storm.

Do you have anything nice planned to look forward to Lily, to help take your mind off all this?

AcrossthePond55 Tue 10-Jul-18 17:28:59

Do you think it's time to tell all and sundry that you no longer want to know what the rat bastard and/or his fuck-mate are doing? At this point, you know what their SM is going to show, perhaps it's time that ignorance will truly be bliss.

If it were me, I'd tell them that I only want to know things that may directly impact me financially (i.e. talk about stopping paying expenses, moving money, huge purchases, court filings, etc). Or is there a way you can set up an email account specifically for friends to email the screen shots of SM? They can just sit there unseen.

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