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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

999 replies

Lily007 · 10/07/2018 10:42

Wow need to start a new thread.

The support I’ve had from all the posters has been amazing and very much appreciated and I hope will continue.

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6
tootstastic · 12/07/2018 18:12

Sorry cross-posted lily, I see she did know!

Bluntness100 · 12/07/2018 18:24

Sorry you're not feeling ok today. Don't stress, doesn't matter what country they are in.

Maybe, and I mean this gently, you are actually a little over focused on them, I think a certain amount is to be expected though, but maybe too much focus isn't helping, what do you think?

I wonder if there is a way to try to focus your mind away from them? Maybe even little word changes in your mind

"He's the love of my life"
"He's my ex husband"

Start thinking of him as your ex husband not husband, maybe? I know technically he is still your husband, but you know what I mean.

Original poster
Lily007 · 12/07/2018 19:41

I know what you mean Bluntness but it’s not always that easy.

I really try to focus my mind on something other than the two of them. Some days I do really well, others not so well.

My work involves monthly lists and the documents I’m currently working on are listed on our wedding anniversary! That’s very difficult to put out of my mind, no matter how hard I try.

I’d love nothing more than to be able to switch off but sometimes it’s nigh on impossible.

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Bluntness100 · 12/07/2018 19:45

Yeah, to be fair I know what you mean. And wedding anniversary is s tough one.

Just maybe it occurred to me your moods are often dictated by what they are doing. They shouldn't have that much control over you, they aren't worth it. And it's all, I don't know, a bit pointless. It's only hurting you and I think everyone is keen to help make that stop.

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/07/2018 19:47

Would a friend comment on OWs page that it's a shame the 'love of her life' is married to someone else?
Or would that count as 'head above the parapet'?
I once got a friend to comment on an inaccurate Amazon review of one of my books. Obviously the author has no right of reply but 'another reader' can - even if prompted by the author....

Original poster
Lily007 · 12/07/2018 20:13

Hi Zaph I’d already thought of that but she’d tell him and he’d know it was my friend and that I’d engineered it and I don’t want that.

Although one of OW’s FB friends is also a friend of a colleague of mine who knows what’s gone on. She said she’ll make sure she tells the FB friend the truth about what’s really gone on. The FB friend runs a stall on the same market as OW so, hopefully, word will get around.

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SmellMyBeads · 12/07/2018 20:28

I've followed your other thread from the start. You're getting more and more intense! Wonder if we heard Mr Lilys side would we think different.

Block them. Tell your friends not to tell you anything and move on. Sorry to be blunt but he's moved on.

Original poster
Lily007 · 12/07/2018 20:47

Smell. ”Sorry to be blunt”. I don’t think so.

Your comment was intentionally nasty!

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Dard · 12/07/2018 20:56

Smellmybead

You nasty nasty person.
You obviously have no idea fuck off

Bluntness100 · 12/07/2018 20:58

Wonder if we heard Mr Lilys side would we think different

Well of course he will tell a different story. He isn't going to say "we were incredibly happy and I loved her so much, I just fancied a shag," is he? He will paint a picture of being very unhappy and explain the reasons why and try to justify his affair and subsequent behaviour.

That's natural. In a relationship split there are two sides to the story, then there is the truth. Because both parties will have a different perspective, and will be reticent to see their own part in it.

I see it with a couple I know. They annoy the fuck out of each other . Both unhappy. Both of them have a different perspective and blame the other. Both of them think the other is unreasonable. People watching can see faults on both sides, which neither recognise in themselves. They both genuinely think they are right and faultless.

It doesn't matter though, he's not posting here. Lilly is. And as such, only her view matters.

Original poster
Lily007 · 12/07/2018 21:23

That’s the thing Bluntness we did get on. All our mutual friends and family are gobsmacked at what he’s done.

I know it sounds like a cliche, but everyone has said they can’t believe what’s happened, that we seemed so happy and we were really happy until only a few months before he left. That’s what makes this so difficult to deal with.

I can’t tell you how many people have said they’d never have dreamt he’d have an affair, let alone be so callous.

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SmellMyBeads · 12/07/2018 21:33

I'm not nasty. I'm giving my opinion.

Yes, always 2 sides and the truth normally lies in the middle.

IMHO Lily needs to step away from SM and start her new life, which could be amazing as she seems to have a brilliant family around her for support.

Original poster
Lily007 · 12/07/2018 21:42

Smell. There’s a huge difference between giving your opinion and being tactless.

I see from another of your posts you have an XH. Just out of interest how long were you married and why did you split?

If you were married for a long time, 20 plus years, and was able to “move on” 4 months after splitting, you can’t have loved your husband. Sorry to be blunt but that’s what I think.

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SmellMyBeads · 12/07/2018 21:49

I was married for over 10 years and yes I did move on and not stalk his social media. I'm a lot younger than you, you need to grow up a little. Your ex is gone, not last week, months ago. You refer to him as not even your STBEXH. Time to change that darling.

SmellMyBeads · 12/07/2018 21:51

And the reason we split not that's it any of your business is because he battered me.

MrsVioletBottom · 12/07/2018 21:55

I don't think he set out to have an affair. It was more than likely he just got into a conversation with SK (skanky cow) after a couple of drinks. One thing led to another, basically offered to him on a plate. He was flattered, it was exciting, a bit of fun. Until reality hit, you found out and confronted him. It was just sex. Unfortunately in the heat of the moment he walked out. Sadly neither of you would back down and make contact, time passed. She took advantage of this and got her claws in. Given time you may have reconciled.
He has just literally finished up in a situation, he never intended to be. He probably thinks there is no way back, so he is sticking with her, because it is better than the alternative, on his own.

Angeanon · 12/07/2018 21:57

You do not get over a 20 + year relationship in 4 months, those people saying “move on” clearly have never been truly devastated by a break up like lily says.

Original poster
Lily007 · 12/07/2018 22:00

Well, that’s your side of the story!

As you say, you’re a lot younger than me and it would seem you’ve got a lot of growing up to do, darling

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Bluntness100 · 12/07/2018 22:03

Smell, I think you're being a little out of line here, I'm not sure what's driving you, why kick someone when they are down?

Bluntness100 · 12/07/2018 22:05

Lily what do you mean you were really happy until a few months before he left. What happened in that few months, if it's ok to ask?

Original poster
Lily007 · 12/07/2018 22:06

Jesus! I attract some real weirdos? 🙈

Thanks MrsViolet and Angeanon for your constructive posts 😊

Agatha. I’m going to take your advice. I’ll attend to it over the weekend 👍😘

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tootstastic · 12/07/2018 22:06

I really don't understand the motivation of posters who come onto such a lovely, supportive thread with the seemingly sole intention of being obnoxious and hurtful. There must be something very sadly lacking in their own lives.

butterbeansandbreadcrumbs · 12/07/2018 22:07

The posts on this thread get nastier every day Confused

Bluntness100 · 12/07/2018 22:07

I really don't understand the motivation of posters who come onto such a lovely, supportive thread with the seemingly sole intention of being obnoxious and hurtful

I don't understand it either, it's very odd and this thread has attracted a few recently.

SmellMyBeads · 12/07/2018 22:14

Maybe a reflection of myself and my current relationship.

Please accept my apologies Lily and I wish you the best.