Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

[Lily007]

Wow need to start a new thread.

The support I’ve had from all the posters has been amazing and very much appreciated and I hope will continue.

I have to ask what real purpose does it serve torturing yourself with the fine details? Do you feel any better knowing or could you go cold turkey for a month and ask your friends to call off their investigations. I am sure they are only trying to help you, but you need to build yourself up and concentrate on you. Dont let them cast you as the victim, forever to be pitied, yes take their encouragement and support but make this about you and your life. Your ex will keep on keeping on, you deserve to be able to do the same.

Hi Lily, I've been away for a few days so just catching up. Hells bells, how awful some posters have been. Hope they all bugger off. Hope you're feeling ok this morning.

Yes I’m okay this morning thank you.

I’m not going to keep repeating myself about SM etc.

Off to work now 😩

I agree that less updates from friends about the going ons in their lives would be kinder to the OP. What the OP doesn't know won't hurt her - I have to disagree with this. Lily didn't have updates until fairly recently, and also asked friends family not to share with her anything they had heard or read. What happened then is that when a tiny piece of information did slip through the net then Lily was absolutely floored by it. Hence not going down the route of not cutting all information out in an attempt to desensitise herself to it. I think it's working relatively well too. It's early days for Lily on this journey. We all need to remember this.
I don't think Lily is torturing herself with the fine details. In fact, many of her posts have been humorous, almost banter-like amongst her online friends here. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just a bit of release and in a safe place. The problem occurs when posters start piling in criticising that because they don't accept it for what it is.
I think Lily has gone past the stage of endless advise from people on here. This place is now more of a place to chat stuff over. I wish some posters would respect that and back off onto other threads if they just want to prod.

Have a good day at work!

I think maybe the heat is making people tetchy. I was feeling a bit niggly myself yesterday (but did get my people down off the cliff, thanks, Lily) so perhaps wasn't as polite as I could have been!

Everyone is viewing the situation through their own lens. Some people stalk their exes, some go cold turkey, some try to stay friends. And of course they think the way they did it is right! But, God willing, it's a situation we would hope to only go through once in life, so nobody really has the handle on how to deal with this sort of thing, you muddle through in your own way, and just hope to feel better at the other end.

But the XH hung in there for damn near a quarter of a century - Lily can't be all bad!

Couldn't agree more with your post, Zaph. Some may believe "ignorance is bliss" and others prefer to "rip off the band-aid". Each individual will have their own coping strategies and mechanisms. We are all different people with different personalities and experiences, after all.

Hope today is better for you, Lily. I'm not sure why so many overly mean posters seem to come out of the woodwork every time you seem to be having a particularly rough day.

I also don't think the social media thing is bad, those of us who have been around, wnd I hope you don't mind me saying Lilly, know that what was happening was in the light of any information she was imagining the worst constantly and making herself very upset over it. In addition as Agatha said, any info she did get belatedly was a killer.

Now the constant worrying and upset has stopped. Lilly may get upset, but she is dusting herself off very quickly and adjusting and getting stronger by the day. Not knowing again would be a huge step back.

I think people need to remember it is only four months and Lilly is doing really well in adjusting to the changes.

As I said on the last thread, knowledge is power. Screenshots of holidays and lifestyle will only make a settlement go in Lily's favour.
if Lily wants to know , she can handle that.
The previous thread was fraught with worry about what might happen so the SM exposes Lily to these images at her own pace.

Lily, keep doing what you are doing. You are absolutely nailing this. To be honest I would have lost my shit by now. You are fantastic. Have a great day at work.

I have to disagree with this.

Ok. Just sharing my thoughts about this topic. If anyone is interested and have a bit of a time, please read Facebook's emotional contagion experiment to understand where I am coming from. :)

I wish you well, OP!

Screenshots of holidays and lifestyle will only make a settlement go in Lily's favour

What? Why? There are no kids involved, and he's allowed to do as he pleases with his disposable income.

A fair division of assets will be done by the court, and not based on holidays, any spousal maintenance, which is rare these days will be based on other factors, not if he went on holiday or out for a drink.

We all do what we can to make the pain stop.

I remember hyperventilating when I saw my XH in a car park (it might not even have been him, it just looked like him) and feeling sick. I had him blocked absolutely everywhere. When a friend told me he'd moved to South America I didn't know whether to vomit at hearing news about him or be relieved that he was no longer in my orbit.

Life is shit sometimes, basically and we all need to vent. This is the Vent Space. (someone open a window please, I'm feeling a bit venty today).

I understand, it's just it seems that there is upset almost daily about what they are posting, so I suppose to those of s seeing that, there is the wonder if it's really any better.

Obviously a few of us are not with those who are longstanding members of this thread, and going along with the general consensus, but maybe we can see things with a fresher set of eyes.

Possibly Lily got upset for a couple of days after finding something out, but is it any worse than being upset every day?

I'll step away from the thread though. there are a lot of people suggesting similar, that it may not be the best thing to see/hear it every day and look at her profiles. It seems as though it's a crushing blow every day.

Also, a lot seems focused on their lives, when it's about the OP starting over, mainly it's posts about what they're doing and/or slagging them of, instead of helping the OP focus on herself and living her life/doing things for herself that she may enjoy.

It is hard not knowing and imagination running wild,it is also heartbreaking and shocking to see loved up pictures and posts of ex with ow and truly unbelievable when u have been with someone half your life.
It is a no win situation for Lily atm only time will help and realising it is him totally and a willing ow with no morals.
I dont understand kicking someone when down,many posters have had this happen to them and understand the utter pain and devastation.
Have a good day lily keep going xxx

@bethy15

Think you've made some good and helpful points. Don't see why you should step away from this thread? Having a 100% consensus may be comforting to the OP short term but isn't healthy in the long run.

As long as people make observations and insights respectfully and not trying to hurt Lily, then there is room for gentle disagreement and probing.

Some subjects seem too raw to explore, so maybe for Lily to think about another day.

Sunflowersforever

I agree. There is a cult of following on MN where unless you 100% agree then you are not being supportive and are told to naff off. This isn't actually being supportive but being an echo chamber.

Lily is navigating her way through a very tough time atm so she is doing the very best she can. Gentle challenging and suggestions help her to evaluate her thinking and work towards those answers she is looking for. She can reject alternative opinions but at least she's had a chance to consider them instead of being stuck in a rut.

That said coming on to justify her ex's behaviour or the OWs are not supportive but antagonistic. There has to be boundaries.

Hello everyone.

Just home from a very long day at work 😩

I’m feeling okay today, up to now 😬

Just to clarify, I don’t deliberately seek out any information as to what XH and OW are doing. I have 2 or 3 very close friends who are privy to his FB and IG accounts and they only ever pass on information they think I should be aware of. If they notified me of every sodding post it’d be a full time job 😂

My thinking behind this is that at least they give me the heads up about any potentially hurtful info whilst I’m at home as opposed to some tactless individual deciding to announce it in public. I don’t really want to be falling apart whilst I’m at a social gathering.

Thanks everyone for the encouraging posts.

Looking forward (and nervous) about the football 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿😬 🤞

Glad you're doing OK today Lily, sorry about Eng-a-land, it's a shame after a such a brilliant first half.

Thread seems to be business as usual though, which is nice to see.

Hi lily, hope you’re doing alright! Just following onto this thread from the last . See your still determined as ever ☺️ Keep going !

You been reading any decent books of late? X

Hi Lily, totally agree that it's better to hear these things from people you trust in the safety of your own home. Much better than hearing from the local gossip in the street and them watching and reporting your reactions.

I think you've taken back some control of a situation you've not chosen and have been thrown into. Now what's bad about that?

Hope work is bearable and if not fake it till you make it!

You have come a long way Lily. And you will continue to feel stronger and more in control of your emotions.

And this is your place to vent and scream

Disappointing result last night, but they did us proud overall.

Rain is forecast for tomorrow. I can't actually imagine that after all these hot, sunny weeks.

Hiya

Feeling a bit anxious today probably because he’s back in the country and also my best friend, who I speak to every day, has gone away for a few days. She’s my comfort blanket.

OW’s comment “he’s the love of my life” is reverberating around my head today!!! I can’t believe anyone would put something like that on an open FB page. I feel like commenting “oh really, and he’s my husband, but don’t let that little detail bother you”. Obviously, I won’t but it has really infuriated me 😡. I bet she hasn’t bothered to inform all her FB friends who are congratulating her on her “new man” how the relationship began. Skanky cow!!

Rant over 🙄

I can understand your fury. It's a stupid, insensitive thing to post. Not true either, since she barely knows him. I wonder if she knew you were still living together at the start of their relationship?

When is your friend back home? Do you have any plans for the weekend?

Hi

Oh yes Agatha she knew we were together when they first met. It apparently didn’t matter to her which says a lot about the type of person she is!

My friend’s back Monday afternoon.

I’m going out with another friend tomorrow evening for something to eat which should be nice.

No other plans for the weekend up to now.

Rant away lily! That Facebook post is ridiculous for a grown woman to post. That's an interesting point from Agatha though, we don't know what he actually told OW about you.

It must feel different knowing he's back in the country. I think you'll have to keep busy without your daily chat with your friend to look forward to. Have you got any plans?

I'm hauling myself to my gym class tonight, but I'm in a very lethargic mood and just feel like flopping on the sofa. My body will thank me for it though and I only do the gentle yoga/Pilates type classes.