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The Claw....a thread about loneliness

(880 Posts)
HopelessWithNumbers Sun 08-Jul-18 18:54:06

Combating Loneliness At Weekends

I don’t know if this is 100% appropriate for ‘Relationships’ but a few of us on another thread have been discussing the horrible loneliness that can invade (not exclusively at weekends of course) when you are single or not single but feeling that the rest of the world is enjoying themselves with families, friends or partners.

Of course some people love their own company, but others struggle. My child is an adult so my time is pretty much my own (apart from work), but I have just come out of a relationship and am finding it difficult to keep the sadness and anxiety at bay.

Other people are in relationships but not getting what they need in some way, and so feeling sad and / or lonely.

Could we use this thread for supporting people in that position? Virtually and perhaps meeting in ‘real life’?

BatshitCrazyWoman Sun 08-Jul-18 18:55:08

Good idea for a thread and am place marking smile

nm1989 Sun 08-Jul-18 18:58:47

This is a great idea, I'm glad you made this thread. I feel the loneliness most weekends and sometimes on a weeknight, particularly when the sun is shining and it feels as though I'm the only one enjoying it alone. I've been single for 3 years now. It's lonely. Especially now everyone around me is finally an 'us' rather than a 'me'. I feel as though I've lost the key, missed the memo, unable or unworthy to not be alone.

What have you done this weekend to combat the loneliness? Do you have any pets?flowers

HopelessWithNumbers Sun 08-Jul-18 19:01:44

I would love a pet, especially a dog, but not possible where I live and full time work.

After the discussion on the previous thread I did send messages to two friends I haven’t been in touch with for months. It felt good and one of them replied almost immediately.

shitwithsugaron Sun 08-Jul-18 19:04:07

Hello, can I join? I became a single parent in February but only recently moved into my own home with DD (2yo). She's just come back from her first weekend with my ex, she was only away one night and it was tough.

I have a dog who really does help, especially in the evening when DD is in bed. Luckily I have a bit of housework to catch up on every night when she's in bed but eventually when I do stop the dog is a treasure.

I'm very lucky to have family who are super supportive and always offer to take care of DD. But sometimes this isn't helpful as actually it's very lovely when she's not here. I've tried to throw myself into getting stuff done because I'll miss her otherwise.

JeanLouiseAKAScout Sun 08-Jul-18 19:05:18

Can I join please? Finding my feet post separation with three kidssmile

whiskeysourpuss Sun 08-Jul-18 19:10:45

@shitwithsugaron (((hugs))) it does get easier I promise but those first few weekends are bloody hard

HopelessWithNumbers Sun 08-Jul-18 19:13:39

I was a lone parent (from the beginning) and I used to find weekends very difficult. (This was almost 30 years ago so no MN grin )
I used to push DD through town and feel so isolated and sad. I didn’t really find a way of dealing with it then. Weekdays were ok - toddler groups and going to people’s houses, but at weekends I really struggled.

Moving to London was something that made a huge difference (I lived in a small village on the outskirts of a small town until DD was 4). I met more people in similar situations.

PenelopeChipShop Sun 08-Jul-18 19:18:39

What a great idea for a thread, I definitely feel it sometimes. Been a LP for just over a year and the times when the kids go to their dad - and it’s less than a full day for me so not overnight usually - is still so weird and sad. I feel discombobulated, like i’ve lost something. Logically I know that i’m lucky that we’re relatively amicable and he’s still in their lives, and that I should be enjoying the time to myself, but it isn’t always easy to do. I’ve just been to a yoga class and I find that super helpful in general actually. Exercise, me-time and getting out of the house which is just depressingly empty and messy!

EmmaGoldman1 Sun 08-Jul-18 19:19:28

It's a lovely idea for a thread and I'm in please!

I also live alone (grown up DC) haven't been in a relationship for a number of years and feel this, particularly at weekends.
I have a job, a few friends and family but ultimately do feel alone. Weekends are the worst.
In my case it can be self perpetuating too. Sometimes I've had an invitation to do something, but if the loneliness has its claws in me by then then I just can't face it if that makes sense.
It's funny because I really am one of those people who likes their own company and needs alone time. When I had a partner and DC at home I would crave it. I just feel like I've had too much of it now!
Today I've been home alone, I can hear neighbours having family time, BBQ's etc and it compounds what I feel.
I could go out and do something, visit friends, but they have DP's and family at home, it sometimes feels like if I don't tag onto someone else's life then I don't have one- that makes me sad! I don't have anyone who visits me at home so I can get kind of 'stuck in my own energy' if that makes sense. As a result the house is a real mess so I couldn't have anyone round if I wanted to!
I'm aware I sound really miserable- don't get me wrong, I function and I don't think people would necessarily know how I feel.

It's hard to describe how loneliness can feel but I do know it's insidious and hard to talk about. So thank you for starting this thread flowers

I'm really sorry to hear about your relationship ending too OP, that's a tough grief process to go through and I'm not surprised you find it hard to keep the sadness and anxiety at bay. I think it's often underestimated how hard it is to go through. Be kind to yourself x

Lonelycrab Sun 08-Jul-18 19:27:02

Hi just chiming in with a me too. I’ve even got a relevant user name! Finding weekends tough too- I’m a separated dad for the last 6 months now, been doing eow sleepovers with my ds. Was feeling brutally lonely first few months absorbing it but slightly better now. Am still in the process of moving to near my ex to go towards 50:50 but until then It’s hard not to feel out on a limb.

54321go Sun 08-Jul-18 19:32:09

Great idea for thread, thanks.
Having divorced fairly recently I now live entirely alone (apart from far too many creatures that invade my house). Although I am happy being on my own I just feel I need an excuse to go out and do things and visit places from time to time. There is nothing stopping me doing this anytime of day or night but somehow almost total 'freedom' is overwhelming sometimes.
Having someone over to spend a day or so, drink some wine, eat, go out visiting somewhere would be great. As it is I waste FAR too much time on MN which is not good for me.

HopelessWithNumbers Sun 08-Jul-18 19:33:46

Emma wow this really resonated with me;
“It sometimes feels like if I don't tag onto someone else's life then I don't have one”

I have a horror of imposing myself on other people, so end up doing things alone instead of suggesting an activity.

Summerynights1 Sun 08-Jul-18 19:40:16

I’ve been on my own for five years. I would say in the first year or so I felt very lonely when on my own and children at XHs but these days I hardly ever feel lonely. I’m used to my own company and happy to do everything alone outings, theatre, holidays. I smile a lot, people chat to me. I never turn down any invitations no matter how unsure I am except for formal things where everyone will be in couples. I have worked at being a good companion and this has paid off. I do not want a committed relationship as I still have a house full of teenagers to focus on but now I find that I wouldn’t want to rely on just one person for companionship but have an eclectic mix of friends who like different activities. Sport and hobbies are good. Focus on the benefits of freedom. I sat on a train last night listening to a couple grizzling about their day and I smiled knowing I don’t have that any more.

BatshitCrazyWoman Sun 08-Jul-18 19:45:03

Yes yes to the horror of imposing !

anotherfail Sun 08-Jul-18 19:48:24

Can I join please! I posted a few weeks back on the lone parents section when I was having a particularly miserable and lonely pity party for one.

Horsesforcourses23 Sun 08-Jul-18 19:50:30

I like this thread, and actually mumsnet has helped me with my loneliness. I've always been single, but have had a ropey few tears with things going on (addict sister, having my nephew live with me etc) I've always been very comfortable in my own company. However for the last 6 month's I've really struggled with self esteem and lonliness. I originally posted on here for something totally unrelated but have ended up finding alot of support in general. I found ditching my phone a great way to combat loneliness, I was obsessed with checking it all the time! I've also started,and I know it's a bit naff, but just doing 1 thing a day that makes me happy like walking, drinking a glass of wine etc. I still struggle and nights like tonight I feel miserable that I'm on my own, but then I came on here and saw this post:-) loneliness is rubbish but I like to hold onto the nice things that happen in the day.

esk1mo Sun 08-Jul-18 19:52:04

hello, id like to join smile

im fairly young (20s) and dont have any DC, but i live in a city i didnt grow up in and dont have any friends here.

i know people, theres one or two i chat to when i see and the rest id just wave/say hello but i do everything on my own. work, gym, shopping, eating out, staying home etc.

i try not to dwell on it but it does get to me. i cant phone up a girl friend and go shopping
or go for drinks. i dont have a gym buddy. i see everyone around me my age doing fun things and it makes me sad, especially in the sunny weather when you sit alone in the park. i didnt keep in touch with anyone from uni or people from previous jobs.

i do have a cat though, having a pet does help. i think part of my problem is i need to ~click~ with people. i couldnt be friends with just anyone for the sake of company, so ive ended up alone.

god that sounds depressing! im a surprisingly happy and chirpy person considering. ive found it helpful to have a few women who i look up to who are generally lone wolves but who rock it and dont let it hold them back.

FolkGirlAtHeart Sun 08-Jul-18 19:55:33

I'm in. I've started a 'life is passing me by' thread today, and part of it was weekend loneliness.

I'm 36, almost divorced (unwanted on my part), no dc unfortunately. I do have some friends but all are in couples/have young families, and it's hard finding the time to catch up.

DreamADream Sun 08-Jul-18 20:00:07

Another lonely soul here! Have had a shocking weekend and realised thwt bar the children, I've not spoken to anyone all weekend. Neighbours all having family/friends round.

Also totally get the horror of the thought of imposing on friends! I'm about to turn 30, never expected my life would look like this!

Am Manchester-ish if anyone's local?!

ShotsFired Sun 08-Jul-18 20:00:27

I just found this thread when I came to try and start a similar one of my own. That seems fateful.

I'm unexpectedly single again and it's absolutely knocked me off course (from what I thought was the long haul, grow old together so I am processing that life change in itself).

I don't have a best friend, or really any friends, just "people I know"). I have one friend but she lives quite far away and has a young family, full time job inc travel etc, so I understand her own free time is limited. She also has other friends far more local who self-described as her best friends, so there's not really a place for me. I have nobody I could call at 2am.

My hobbies don't easily translate into a social thing or something multiple people can do in a group. And I am very awkward/awful at small talk and meeting people too.

So I have:
A full time job/financial responsibility for myself.
Solitary hobbies.
No friends.
Introverted personality and serious self-esteem issues.

Where do you go with that? That comment about tagging on to other people's lives really resonated with me too. After the domestic stuff and hobbies, I just wait for hours to pass most days. I'll even go to bed early just to waste time. I should be out with mates, going on trips, seeing the world, having fun....

Oddcat Sun 08-Jul-18 20:05:50

Evening all , another rubbish weekend had here too. I was invited out in Saturday but couldn't be arsed to go. I feel Ive lost the knack of socialising , but I guess it's like all skills, you have to keep at it to improve. It's a vicious circle really.

HopelessWithNumbers Sun 08-Jul-18 20:09:00

Hi Shots

I’m amazed at the number of people already on this thread - it’s good and bad at the same time!
Hopefully a few of us (or all of us) will feel less lonely knowing that there are lots of others in the same situation and maybe some of us will make actual real life contact.

I go to things on my own - exhibitions, theatre, cinema etc but very rarely strike up conversation with anyone. I think it’s the ‘imposing horror’ again.
I went to a community event yesterday, 5 mins from my flat, but couldn’t bring myself to speak to anyone. I seemed to be the only person who didn’t know lots of people already.

I am in London, I know there’s a few others here too.

whiskeysourpuss Sun 08-Jul-18 20:09:22

I started c25k (again) today I didn't see a single solitary soul on my walk/run but it has done me some good to get out in the fresh air sweltering heat

HopelessWithNumbers Sun 08-Jul-18 20:13:23

Yes exercise definitely makes you feel better. The thought of running in this heat though...well done!

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