The Claw....a thread about loneliness

[HopelessWithNumbers]

Combating Loneliness At Weekends

I don’t know if this is 100% appropriate for ‘Relationships’ but a few of us on another thread have been discussing the horrible loneliness that can invade (not exclusively at weekends of course) when you are single or not single but feeling that the rest of the world is enjoying themselves with families, friends or partners.

Of course some people love their own company, but others struggle. My child is an adult so my time is pretty much my own (apart from work), but I have just come out of a relationship and am finding it difficult to keep the sadness and anxiety at bay.

Other people are in relationships but not getting what they need in some way, and so feeling sad and / or lonely.

Could we use this thread for supporting people in that position? Virtually and perhaps meeting in ‘real life’?

Whereabouts is everyone from? Have seen a couple of people meeting up in Hamble. Anyone in the North Wales / Chester area?

Many of the messages on this thread resonate so I thought I'd join in.
Separated from h after nearly 20 years together and going through divorce. Dcs spend 50% of the time with their dad. The house is so big, empty and quiet when they are not there 😢
I can totally relate to those saying they don't feel like tagging along to someone's life when they don't have any. I have felt only worse after socialising with my lovely friend as her life is picture perfect and makes me realise how much I have lost over the last year and a half.

For those wanting to watch the football on Wednesday with other people - you won't get many more than this.....

www.bst-hydepark.com/events/detail/croatia-v-england/

Oh Missillusioned I know just that feeling, going off and doing stuff with just dc isn't the same is it. It's that participating in family life bit for me that is missing. I know dc and I are family, but at the end of a day when they are in bed, there just isn't anyone who loves me for me. I'm dc's mum they are programmed to love me without question. And me them. I don't suppose I am necessarily lonely, I don't think its doing the social activities I miss it's having a husband :(

Just not my ex he was rubbish at it hence he's ex! Maybe I am just an incurable romantic and want to love and be loved and will feel this way until I am in a relationship again. There really isn't any hurry and I'm not actively looking for one- think I should learn to deal with the feeling of emptiness before I embark on another!

Hello evereyone.
Found you. Am reading with sorrow and empathy at the posts on here and utterly amazed at how quickly the posts are wracking up as well as the support people are getting.
I love MN

Hi lola I'm amazed too at the number of posts. All these people we tell on a Monday morning that we had a 'lovely weekend'......are they also covering up a sad and empty Saturday?
I'm pretty sure some will be. It feels like a taboo that needs to be broken. Maybe I'll try it next week! Am I brave enough?

I have gone in on monday mornings and occasionally said "drank tea and binge watched crap on netflix, so it was lovely thank you, and you?"
But u cannot say that too often or you'll be pitied.

Why is pity so bad??

I am very lonely. 38 year old guy, no kids, live alone in London. It's got to the point where it effects my mental health and I feel like a failure and an embarrassment. I know what women are attracted to - confidence being the main one but I just seem to have lost any I had so feel I have no chance.

Throughout my youth, late teens and early 20s I never had a girlfriend, every girl I ever had a crush on rejected me - I always got the usual 'you're so sweet' type response and women have never seen me as a friend. This continued pretty much up to now, I had one FWB thing in my mid-20s which lasted a few months and dated a couple of girls for a month or so but nothing much more than that. The last few years have been characterised by going on first dates from dating apps but then inevitably getting a rejection message the next day.

I somehow managed to meet someone through an app back in January who was a few years older than me, had kids and was going through a divorce. We saw each other pretty intensely for about 4 months and it was amazing, she seemed to see beyond my flaws and I genuinely felt she loved me back. It was the first time I ever experienced what it was like to have I guess what you would call a girlfriend. I fell completely in love with her and would have happily done the whole LTR thing with her but she ended it as she felt she was holding me back from finding someone my own age and having kids of my own which ironically is something I feel I will never find. We had a small break of no contact and I tried to win her back by telling her how I felt but I guess she has moved on.

Anyway, I used to be ok about it all but hitting my late 30s and seeing pretty much every friend I have get together with someone, married, kids, etc is quite soul destroying. I put up a shield to my friends & family and if you were to meet me you would think I was a happy go lucky type person who had everything together but in truth coming home from work to an empty flat and sometimes going entire weekends without speaking to another person really gets me down especially having experienced recently and briefly what it was like to love.

So sorry that many people are in the same boat.

@Dancer12345

I'm from the north west area

Hi rich Thanks for your open and honest contribution. It's clear that loneliness can affect people whatever their circumstances.

I know some people assume, because I can appear quite outgoing and confident, that I am having a whale of a time. They'd be amazed if they saw the anxious wreck that I can be when I'm on my own.

But what can we do to change things? I think in part, it's don't give up, keep going, try to be optimistic. But this can be difficult when faced with what often feels like rejection. Maybe we need to try to encourage each other not to give up and post ideas about activities and events and strategies that have worked when trying to rebuild a (social) life.

Once when I was a LP with my 2ye old DD1 I was out for a stroll one day with Her, to make the hours pass and I stood in front if a shop wi dow just to make sure I hadn't stopped existing. My reflection reassured me I was indeed alive. But only just.
That was 23byears ago.
I am still not out and about as I was in my 20s. I drew away from the world out of shame. Despair and fear and as years have passed it is now my auto pilot.
I don't know whether I've missed out on great wonders or if my own interior life is just as rich and satisfying?
I know people who can't survive their own company and I don't think that's much use. But a balance is good

Hopeless, I feel the same: I definitely come across as independent, smiley and engaged. One colleague always says she wishes to be more like me. It’s hard to make them see that the independence is a necessity for me and forced upon me, but not always nice. I am proud of it though. A lot of people would be surprised to find out how much I struggle at times. My best friends know but I tend to tell them I’m ‘bored with my life’ or that I ‘feel stuck’.

Definitely don’t give up. I sing in a few choirs which I love. People there are mostly older and not friends but it’s quite social. I help out with organising concerts. It does feel like a community, and singing is good for the soul. I recommend it.

I would love to find an active hobby.

Sorry your going through that 8fencing* it sounds like nature is healing you - I really turn towards the outdoors in times of need to.

Let the sea air wash the pain away! It will pass xx

So many lonely people, this is such a sad thread.

I can empathise with so many people on here, interestingly being lonely isn’t just not having friends though is it. I am so fortunate to have a lot of amazing friends who I see often, however, I have no family, I was an only child as was my Dad, my Mum was Dutch, my parents are no longer with us so the only family I have are an Uncle in Holland. I have two amazing grown up kids but they are living in London so I have the friends but feel so lonely when I see family get together etc.

I was with my partner 13 years (after my divorce in the early 2000s) when he finished it last year I was devastated, his family had become my family and I never thought we’d end.

Loneliness is subjective isn’t it? You can be surrounded by friends and family but still feel alone.

BTW I’m in the Hampshire area too!

@Dancer12345 @Turnedovernewleaf I'm North West too

@Folkgirlatheart I’m in a choir too and I love it! I totally agree - whilst I haven’t yet met people there who I see outside of the choir, it’s still very social and it helps to have a common interest with others. Definitely recommend finding a hobby to everyone - not the same as a partner / kids but it does get you out and keep you busy.

@Missillusioned and @turnedovernewleaf maybe we need a North West meet up group!

nofilter, thank you, it’s very kind of you. The stars have aligned and sent this amazing weather for me to bask in, I love it!
halfdutch, join us in Hamble, I’ll bring you some hagelslag, I promise!

This thread has made me think of what loneliness actually is, that was my meditation for tonight. We are social beings, when did it become shameful to say: I need some company? And isn’t recognising you’re weak a sign of being strong?

Checking back in and reading everyone's story... I can't believe how many of us are gathering here.

I agree, maybe so many more we think are ok are 'putting in a front'

Yes, I think the taboo needs to be broken. We need not to give up and I think we can encourage each other with that. It's often so much easier to do that with others than for ourselves isn't it?

'i feel like an observer rather than a participant in life I say that too!

What I thought was interesting in the article I read last night (posted UT) was the way loneliness changes the way we perceive interactions with others over time. I see this in myself and hear it in other people's stories here. I think we end up focusing on the negative or abrasive interactions we have with others and then retreat more into our shells. If we could somehow re-frame to focus on the more friendly interactions we have then I think we'd feel more hopeful. I can do this when I'm in a better place.

I wonder if we need to to make a commitment to ourselves (and I realise everyone's at different stages here) to make small steps towards building some sort of life we can call our own (albeit alone to start with) then we'd feel less HoI, less like we're pitiable, less shame, failure etc.

Some of us will have these feelings ingrained in us for a long time so it will take time but I can't resign myself to feeling that this is all there is for me and all the other wonderful people on this thread.

I think there's power in numbers and we can help each other set small goals to building a life we'd be happy to share. That's certainly a block for me currently- 'what have I got to offer?'

I actually started thinking about this a while ago, and concluded that if I don't change anything then nothing will change.

Small things I can think of to feel like I've got a life myself are:
Brave it to do things alone, e.g swimming, going to the beach.
Start reading again. I'm a big reader but have got in such a rut I don't bother/can't focus for long enough
Sort out my house. Someone once told me to practice 'treating yourself as though you're your own best friend' which would include tidying up like someone is coming round etc.
They are small things that don't actually involve others but the aim is to feel more like I have a life, less like a saddo or a fraud when I pretend not to be and combat some of the shame I feel about my situation.

That way, I think the HoI would be less as I'd feel like I had a life and therefore less like I was tagging along when I did connect with other people.

Sorry for the ramble, I hope it makes some sense. Now can anyone lend me some motivation/courage to start my baby steps?!

Hamble makes me think of the weird looking doll in PlaySchool

Yes 8FencingWire!
Completely agree. Wise words

I think you've written our manifesto, Emma !

I happily hand over some courage to you @EmmaGoldman1. Haven’t got much but am happy to share

A while ago I’ve made a conscious decision to value smaller interactions with others more. I used to think only proper meetings with friends were ‘worthy’ and when those didn’t happen I felt low. I realised though that often there’s lots of small interactions though during a Saturday for example: a chat with my lovely neighbours over the fence and she giving me a jar of homemade jam in return for me looking after her garden when they are away, a quick hello to the bloke who walks his dog past the house every day, someone waving when I pull into my street, the old lady in the shop etc. Sorry this probably sounds really cheesy but I do value these things a lot more now and actively foster them. I guess I’m lucky though that i live in a small village.

emma, have you read ‘The unlikely pilgrimage of Harold Fry? It might motivate you to read. A bit. Ok, you’ll get hooked. I’ve got a copy 😊

😂 Oh dear. I'm sorry to go on!!
I should really re-read my ramblings before I post!