The Claw....a thread about loneliness

[HopelessWithNumbers]

Combating Loneliness At Weekends

I don’t know if this is 100% appropriate for ‘Relationships’ but a few of us on another thread have been discussing the horrible loneliness that can invade (not exclusively at weekends of course) when you are single or not single but feeling that the rest of the world is enjoying themselves with families, friends or partners.

Of course some people love their own company, but others struggle. My child is an adult so my time is pretty much my own (apart from work), but I have just come out of a relationship and am finding it difficult to keep the sadness and anxiety at bay.

Other people are in relationships but not getting what they need in some way, and so feeling sad and / or lonely.

Could we use this thread for supporting people in that position? Virtually and perhaps meeting in ‘real life’?

This thread is great. I too am a single parent so my dcs are lovely but at times it gets frustrating not having any adult company. I am also a bit of an odd bod and find it hard to click with some people. I don’t like meaningless small talk and I wonder if I might be austitic. I have a job that’s busy but I find really unfulfilling. My family have a lot of issues and don’t communicate well at all. So I am a bit of a big mess.

I do see people on Facebook and real life who seem to have such a lovely relationship with their family or friends and I would love that. Not just for my sake but for my dcs. I do find shame in loneliness and also after a hard days work week I need down time.

Shots

What you refer to happened to me once. A number of acquaintances from a hobby told me they’d be at a large music event in the park and I should definitely come

When I got there, I couldn’t find anyone I knew and wandered around alone for hours.

I rang and rang this girls number and she didn’t pick up and I didn’t want to drain my battery.
I ended up sitting alone and feeling both invisible and conspicuous simultaneously before just leaving and going to eat alone

The situation repeated itself just weeks later, except this time I found a friend just there was a downpour and I got soaked to the skin and needed to leave. I vowed never again.

Both days I’d told DM I was setting out for a lovely day with friends

There's a mumsnet spin-off group on Facebook called chuMNs for people in similar situations, it's really friendly

Morning all, so much of what people are saying is resonating with me. It’s so good to feel understood; the friends I have are super but they struggle to understand my situation. In addition to their partners, they also have other family nearby so always a brother, nephew, mum to see or spend the day with. My parents are not around anymore and I’m also not British so have no natural support network here in country.

One thing I’ve found is that loneliness makes me very passive. When I feel like this, I hardly ever leave the house or push myself to do stuff, which then feels even more of a waste.

When I was in my angry phase after the breakup, I did loads. Angry painting of walls, angry going for a run, angry saying yes to every invitation and making sure I didn’t spend an evening on my own. It was a great motivator actually but I seem to have lost that (which in a way is good as I’m not an angry person).

Have a good day everyone.

I’m in!
Some weekends are really lonely. I am making myself go out, but sometimes going out just exacerbates the loneliness.

It’s friggin’ July and I was thinking with dread about Christmas!!!

I’m going to try and join a book club, or set one up on meetup for September.

Anyway, I took myself to the beach with a book, swam in the sea, discovered how cool it is to meditate (mindfulness) whilst looking at the sea and hearing it.

I went to a village fete on my own, I just saw tat and overpriced icecreams. I met a friend who was there with the family, exacerbated the feeling of loneliness. So came home for a nap. There was a free event in the evening so I called a friend in the off chance, she said yes, called another friend, she said yes, we ended up having a wonderful time.
Yesterday I was like a lion in a cage. Couln’t think of anything, so I took a book and my coffee to the park next to my house, a cushion and a blanket. I leaned against a tree and got sniffed by every dog that went past, I must have been leaning against their usual pee spot or something. I’d love a dog, but I work 10h a day.

Came back to see my very sad (for now) house, exDP is moving his stuff out. I am glad of the space (and that he’s gone), but there are empty shelves in the bookcase and empty spaces where his paintings used to hang. So I plan to redecorate once all the stuff is gone.
I was feeling quite low, I made myself go out, back to the beach again. The sea is so warm!!!
Then the kid came back from my ex and we binge watched Netflix.
We go on holiday next weekend, just the two of us, bonding time, ie: the teen will be glued to instagram and I’ll read books :)

But it’s all good :)

I'm married but very lonely no one ever texts me to ask how I am or pops in to see me. I have recently been trying to make arrangements with various friends who I've not seen for ages and I know they have seen my messages but for whatever reason have not replied. They all have families whereas I and my husband do not have children. I have always been on the periphery, never felt fully included but that's how it is. I'm in Hampshire if anyone's interested. 😊

I've been reading the posts, recognising myself, but the difference being that I am married. H and myself don't do anything together, no hobbies that we both like, and we don't go out. He, for example, wouldn't go out for a drink unless it's arranged with his mates.

We have twin boys who are off to university in September, and I'm dreading it.

@FolkGirlAtHeart
I totally feel the same. Very passive about doing anything, and I have to push myself to get out and then I feel even more crap, because why is it so hard for me to just go to a meetup group or join a club.

Someone else said about not wanting to impose, so even when I do make an effort to go out and meet up with people I am highly aware that I might be imposing, I try not to boTher people too much. That feeling when you try to arrange something and other people are booked up for months, so you start to feel they just don’t want to hang out with you!

This time last year was peak loneliness. On holiday on my own. I genuinely didn’t want to go on anymore.

It’s funny how we are all lonely, but presume everyone else is fine.

Anyway! I hope everyone has an ok day ! I wonder if there is a dating type site for meeting friends!

gavinsStacey, I want to go to Hamble, they have a little art gallery there, do you want to come with me at the beginning of August?

All alone in this country. DC are grown with families of their own. Both my parents have passed.

I moved here to be with my H at the time but he cheated and left me for some online fantasy he's never met.

I tried returning to my home country and things have changed so much, it would take awhile to fit in again.

I have no motivation to do anything. I'm being treated for depression but it's more than that. I have a good career thankfully.

I avoid friendships as I fear I would be too disappointing and flaky.

In my 50s, I never thought this is how things would be.

@8Fencingwire that would be nice! Gamble is lovely

Hamble that Is!

Something I am currently worrying about (there is always something!).....

My busiest time at work is end of Sept / Oct / Nov so I have usually has at least a week off at the end of Aug / beginning of Sept.

This year I cannot afford to go away and of comfort have no one to go with (previous years I have gone with a partner or my daughter- DD & family are doing their own thing this year which is absolutely right).

I definitely need a break but the thought of being at home for a week on my own and forcing myself to go out and ‘enjoy’ things fills me with horror!

nicky yes the going to university time will be hard I imagine. Our children take up so much of our time and headspace and then they go, which is the right thing of course, but difficult for the parents.

Is it something you could talk to your husband about?

Thanks for starting this thread, it's good to feel like it's not just me and so many of the PP could've been written by me. I've been a single parent for 12 years and DD about to leave home. Had one relationship in that time and it was bruising and ended badly 5 years ago. On the face of it people would assume I am 'a success' good job, nice house etc. But I think my 25 year old self wouldn't believe how lonely I have become. I used to be the party hoster, outgoing social butterfly and over the years my world has just shrunk, it's like I've just lost my mojo. It resonates with me so much that feeling of shame and how hard it is to be honest - like if I tell you really what my life is like I'll never be invited again am rarely invited to anything now. Have lied at Xmas several times about being with people when I've been alone because tagging along to other families Xmas makes me feel so keenly what I am missing. Ditto holidays, going away alone also exacerbated the loneliness somehow, I do force myself from time to time but not really enjoyable. The worst are school events alone, am proud I didn't miss any and always made it but was hard to choke back the lump in my throat at times that came from having no-one to clap along with me. I find that my motivation is super low to get anything done - house chores, life admin when I'm alone. Most weekends I don't see or speak to anybody and hen smile and say 'yes it was lovely thanks, you?' When asked on Monday am how my weekend was. Really must get out of this rut.

gavins, I am going away till the beginning of August, we’ll keep in touch! Who else fancies a trip to Hamble?

To the OP, I've just skimmed the thread but noticed that you said you'd love to have a dog but can't. How about "borrow my doggy" you can walk other people's dogs which would give you a focus in the park, so you're not just wandering along aimlessly.

I would also suggest "meet up" groups to people. They have groups for all sorts of things. Sometimes voluntary work can be a good way of meeting new people.

From my experience, I'd say a lot of the feeling of loneliness when you split with someone comes from suddenly feeling like you have a lot of time to fill with no way of doing it. There was definitely an adjustment period for me. Hobbies definitely help.

I think a lot depends on the type of work you do too. I was working in a busy office where I saw clients, spoke to colleagues etc and actually loved that it was peaceful and quiet when I got home! But if your job is more solitary I can see why it's harder then.

Another thing I think to consider is your home environment. If you love your home you will want to spend more time there. When me and my ex split, I redecorated almost every room! That's maybe a bit drastic but even something simple like rearranging furniture, buying some little bits and pieces you like, can make your home feel nicer.

Hello. Joining too! 3dc, when they are at my ex husbands house every other weekend I am initially excited at the thought of a mental break, but its evening that I find so lonely. I can keep myself v occupied during the Saturday doing jobs around the house and running the errands that I don't get to do with 3 boys in tow. But Friday evening I drop the boys off and come back to an empty (invariably messy!) house which once tidied is boring as fuck. And Saturday evenings? I feel like the world is having a life and I'm just not invited to it. Everything is designed for couples.

This weekend it was worse because I wanted to watch the football but everyone i know (all in couples!) seemed to have a family thing planned to watch it. I didn't want to go to a pub and sit there like a saddo. I don't want people thinking I'm on the pull! But I do want some social connection.

So I didn't watch it all. It was the social bit about watching it I was missing, I don't really give two hoots about the result! (Well that's a lie, I obvs want England to win but I'm not so interested that I'd watch it at home alone)

Its so frustrating! I feel like I'm an observer of life rather than a participator in it.

I feel exactly the same about the football Semi I'm one of those people who only watches it every 4 years - but then I really enjoy it.
I watched it on a screen at the local event I went to on Saturday - but still felt incredibly lonely, despite being in a crowd. I smiled and made a few comments to people but they didn't turn in to a conversation.

I really want to watch the game on Wednesday - I'm going to try to find some people at work who are going to watch it but the 'Horror of Imposing' (HoI) means that I might ask one or two people and will give up if there's not a positive response.

I have a flatmate but we don't socialise together, we get on well but just have very different lives. And he's not the slightest bit interested in football!

Storm I think you make some really good points. I tried Borrow My Doggy a few years ago but couldn't find one that fitted in with me (most people wanted someone during the weekday whereas I was looking for evenings / weekends) but I should give it another go.

I second Meet Ups. I went to some good events with meet up groups - concerts, exhibitions etc.

I used to like going to National Trust properties at the weekend with my husband and children. Now I don't have my children eow I can't bear to go to beautiful gardens and see everyone enjoying it with their children when I don't have mine.

When I do have them, there's still something missing somehow on family days out. They are getting older now and don't want to do family visits to gardens with me. But I do miss it

May I join in please?
I'm single most of my friends are busy with their families.
I understand how a PP feels about dreading going home and it does feel exacerbated in the summer.
I spend many a weekend not seeing or speaking to anyone.
Bank holidays, Easter and in particular, Christmas are really hard to spend alone.

Yes, as a PP said it's only July but I've been thinking about Christmas (in a negative way) already.

It's not just the day itself it's the whole period before and after........but we've got plenty of time to worry about that!

Hopeless I know exactly what you mean.
It's like there's a constant reminder from October that I'll be alone, I'm not part of a family etc.
I have done the whole thing of buying my favourite treats/ food, watching what I want on tv. Thing is, I always get to watch what I want, because it's just me!