The Claw....a thread about loneliness

[HopelessWithNumbers]

Combating Loneliness At Weekends

I don’t know if this is 100% appropriate for ‘Relationships’ but a few of us on another thread have been discussing the horrible loneliness that can invade (not exclusively at weekends of course) when you are single or not single but feeling that the rest of the world is enjoying themselves with families, friends or partners.

Of course some people love their own company, but others struggle. My child is an adult so my time is pretty much my own (apart from work), but I have just come out of a relationship and am finding it difficult to keep the sadness and anxiety at bay.

Other people are in relationships but not getting what they need in some way, and so feeling sad and / or lonely.

Could we use this thread for supporting people in that position? Virtually and perhaps meeting in ‘real life’?

Oh my. This is a very emotional experience for me- feeling understood is very powerful, as is knowing others feel the same way I do. I'm genuinely surprised at this, I thought they were my own personal issues! And I'd say I'm a self aware, emotionally intelligent person...
I also feel such empathy for everyone else's pain.
Realising that I'm not alone (!) has just prompted some research on my part. I found this. I think she describes the shame and sense of failure very well:

www.psychologies.co.uk/why-do-we-feel-shame-about-loneliness

Whilst her situation is very different to mine, the feelings described resonate. I'm wondering if it might be worth reading her book.

I feel very lonely. It makes me alternately bereft and furious.

Bereft because I'm still grieving for my relationship being taken away from me against my will and then missing the security and content comfort of of being in love with someone who I thought was equally in love with me for keeps.

Furious because before him, I was happily alone and not lonely. I guess I didn't miss what I'd never have and life was fine! So now I'm angry he showed me what it could feel like, then whipped it away again.

(And also completely worthless because apparently I'm that bloody awful he just couldn't stand being with me at all)

By the way, I totally recommend this book for those of you dealing with a breakup, bereavement or anything else causing you pain. It's a wonderful, kind book. It helped me during some very dark days, and I've gone back to it more than once.

Can I join this thread? I'm married but very lonely.

DH is a workaholic and out of the house easily 80 hours per week. I don't really have any friends. I work for DH but there's only me in the office. I have my mum and two sisters but I don't see them often.

We've also been TTC unsuccessfully for years so I think a big contributor sometimes is missing the children that I don't have, if that makes sense.

I go weeks sometimes not actually speaking to anyone other than DH. I realise I'm lucky to have a DH though as I realise things could be worse if I didn't.

waves at everyone

FolkGirlAtHeart I too feel like life is passing me by- that totally resonated with me. Total freedom to do what I want, beautiful weather, yet I’m a prisoner in my own home as I can’t face watching everyone happy around me. And so the cycle begins..

Thanks Shots I will definitely check out that book.

Comethefuck I think being lonely in a relationship is very common. But probably even more difficult to talk about than being lonely when single.

Littlemiss yes completely get the not being able to go out. And most people here seem to agree it’s much worse in this sunny weather!
The community event I went to yesterday was in a park and I felt so conspicuous being there on my own - trying to join in but being on the fringes of it all.

I’ve been in a relationship and felt very lonely. And I’ve been on my own and felt very lonely. They are two different things.
One isn’t worse than the other. But I was actually thinking today, if you physically have someone in the house you superficially feel less lonely, but deep down you’re loneliness is assuaged.
If that makes sense!
It’s a tough one. I think a lot of people stay in unhappy relationships because of fear of loneliness,
Am I glad I am on my own? Not really, am I glad I am not unhappy and lonely in a relationship, maybe.

Isn’t assuaged!

hopeless yes, that’s just it. And now I sit here angry at myself for being bitter and wasting yet another day!

I also get the poster who said upthread that I really don’t recognise anything that makes me happy anymore.

Even when I’m artificially happy, I’m sitting getting quietly anxious because I know only too well I’ll shortly be back home, by myself, alone.

Hello everyone joining 👋
Ironically, we're turning into one of the most well populated 'common interest' groups out there 🤷‍♀️

Shots that was so painfully beautifully put and the feelings you describe so well are very familiar to me. All I can say is that I got through the rage and bereft feelings specifically linked to my EXP in time. I know it sounds like a standard thing to say and I never believed it was true but going through those feelings is working through them. I wish I had the right words, but they sound trite when I write them here. Just sending you love, it's fucking awful, I know it is.

Littlemiss *And now I sit here angry at myself for being bitter and wasting yet another day!

God, I totally resonate with that. I go to work every Monday trying to shake off that feeling from another weekend wasted.

Joining in. My loneliness is just hitting me - I've never been alone - even School was me and 20 other girls in one dormitory (old style boarding school), then straight to university halls to houseshares. I moved in with my stbxh after one month and now 25 years later am on my own in my house for the very first time in my life.

I hate it. Its destroying me and I haven't a clue how to deal with it. Any tips would be welcome. And any Kentish people out there who fancy a meet up let me know!

Gang!!!! No one has wasted anything.
We are all in similar boats of varying degrees. But even as you all say things I want to simultaneously slap you round the chops and give everyone a hug.
I think we (you) are all too hard on yourselves, life is hard work! You’re all surviving and I bet being brilliant people too.

Can I join too please?!

I've been a single mum for a nearly a year now, weekends are definitely the worst! Everyone seems to be doing things with friends/family and I never seem to have any plans apart from doing things with my ds which I love doing!

I feel like my life is on hold at the moment as I'm concentrating on him, he's only 19 months old. My ex however seems to be having a great social life and I'm pretty sure he is now seeing someone now!

I get lonely now but then again I was lonely in that relationship too!

Thanks for starting the thread

@Hopelesswithnumbers

Just saying hello to everyone. I'm currently living with Exp ( which is no fun at all ) and my DC who are beautiful and I'm extremely proud of.
I feel lonely in the respect that when I'm at home I don't have companionship from another adult. Even though their is another adult in the house . I chat a lot to DC about their day and what will be happening tomorrow e.t.c

I have a handful of fairly good friends and lots of acquaintances but I never truly open up to them.
I always hold back. I think I'm afraid of being talked about . If that makes sense

The community event I went to yesterday was in a park and I felt so conspicuous being there on my own - trying to join in but being on the fringes of it all.

This time last year we went along to a small local charity fun day/dog show close by. We just wandered round in the sun and chatted companionably about nothing. We don't have dogs and didn't even stay that long really, but it was a couple of quid for a good cause, so why not.

The same show was on yesterday too. How weird and sad and odd it would have been for me to go there alone, pay my solitary £1 entry, walk round the field alone/in silence and then leave?

Ditto this to the town summer/Christmas/Easter fairs. Ditto this to wandering round a garden centre. Ditto this to going and then exploring places on holiday. Ditto this to visiting "nice places" on a random weekend day. Ditto this to birthdays and Christmas. Ditto this to just hanging out at home. Ditto this to lying in bed on a hot night unable to sleep...

Thank you so much for this thread: I can't believe so many wonderful and articulate people feel exactly the same as me. Weekends are definitely the worst: my son is my life but he's hitting pre-teen "independent " stage and as I work full time it seems I've lost my way and don't know how to "just be" in my house , IYSWIM. No one at work would have a clue. I have lovely parents, a few close friends but no one local I can just call up and hang out with. I'm in Rickmansworth if anyone is round here.

Hi.

I'm married but DH works away half of the time on a continuous basis. So he's here for 3 weeks and then gone for 3 weeks.

It's very odd in that I'm either with him near 100% of the time, some of which is frustrating as he wants me to minimise the stuff I do in the other 3 weeks to spend time with him. At the same time those are the things that keep me sane. My hobbies are solo affairs, writing, crafting etc.

I have friends and there are a couple I could call at any time of the night in an emergency, but we all have busy lives. I feel that I shouldn't be lonely as I love my solo hobbies; have friends I can drink tea with after the school run; have DH around half of the time; went pokemon go hunting earlier and chatted with other players; 2 primary age DDs who I find delightful (93.99% of the time). There's a cat curled up on me and I'm playing an online game and chatting somewhat on there (same people for years).

But the evenings and weekends drag by and I don't know how to fix it.

A pp said something about the shame of loneliness. I can identify with that. I don't want anyone's pity, so I pretend that I'm having a fabulous time, even making things up sometimes so work colleagues don't know I spent the weekend watching Netflix.

This weekend for example - watched the World Cup by myself but could hear neighbours having parties and barbecues. When a work colleague text me I said I was at a barbecue.

I don't know if it's shame exactly. I just feel like bubbly fun me is already on the fringes just for being single, so whiny moaning poor-me me would be even more on the fringes. I can't explain it properly. I just feel like people will be rolling there eyes at me if I let slip that I'm lonely.

Totally relate to that post Rainy I nearly always say I’ve had a “lovely weekend” because I don’t want to feel I’m bringing others down or want them to feel sorry for me.

Of course, if this thread is anything to go by, they may also have had a shit weekend!

It’s been a real eye opener and I hope the thread will prove helpful to us.

I posted upstream earlier this evening. Why do many of you fear imposing? Just because you are single doesn’t mean you are a burden. However you will not be welcome if you are negative or clingy. I will go along to something with positive stories to tell. I ration my time so people don’t think they are stuck with me, I never stay too long. I only occasionally feel out of place. Please try to put your ‘game face’ on and get out of the house.

“don't know how to "just be" in my house”
I know exactly what you mean by that tartan
I had a very similar thought this afternoon. I’d been out and had a coffee in a cafe I like and read the paper.
I got home, tidied up a bit and then thought ‘now what?’ I just didn’t quite know what to do with myself. And for me, that can be when anxiety sets in.
In the past I have made timetables of activities and chores so that I don’t have time to get lonely and anxious.
I seem to cope a bit better these days because I don’t need to do that at the moment.
And I know some people will be thinking how lucky I am to have all that time to myself...and I completely get that.

Fab thread idea!

I'm a lone parent and do struggle from time to time with loneliness. I can hands down say the BEST thing I did was to stop using Facebook and comparing myself to what I thought were "perfect" families.

I mean, why focus on what we don't have (partner, DD a father) rather than what we do have..

I just found Facebook/ usual social sites to be a real feeder of loneliness really...

I don't feel the same with Mumsnet as it's way to truthful! Haha

#following

Hi all. Not RTFT but I'm in the same boat - me and ex are doing 50/50, all my children are at school. I am broke (no job, work p/t but cr@p money) looking for a full time job. So can't afford much, would like to join a gym, clubs etc when i have the money.
All my friends are married and work full time, so i usually catch up with them weekends I have the DC. Also the suburb I live in is very family oriented. Lots of families - not many single parents! luckily I have some lovely friends here who have been supportive re break up.
Its hard isn't it? I actually meet a few single mums through a facebook group I joined which was good. We do few meet ups, and its great if you can't make it due to child related issues.
I guess it's good having a thread like this to realise theres a lot of us out there in the same boat!