The Claw....a thread about loneliness

[HopelessWithNumbers]

Combating Loneliness At Weekends

I don’t know if this is 100% appropriate for ‘Relationships’ but a few of us on another thread have been discussing the horrible loneliness that can invade (not exclusively at weekends of course) when you are single or not single but feeling that the rest of the world is enjoying themselves with families, friends or partners.

Of course some people love their own company, but others struggle. My child is an adult so my time is pretty much my own (apart from work), but I have just come out of a relationship and am finding it difficult to keep the sadness and anxiety at bay.

Other people are in relationships but not getting what they need in some way, and so feeling sad and / or lonely.

Could we use this thread for supporting people in that position? Virtually and perhaps meeting in ‘real life’?

@user
Morning! Delurking - have dipped in and out of the thread but not posted before. I know exactly what you mean, for some reason mornings it hits me hardest. What are your plans for later?

Am doing a Meetup coffee and then out for a friend birthday so all nice - it's just that not speaking to anyone until you go out, plus my on off fwb has disappeared again so feeling a bit sorry for myself

Me too! Lonely and not any friends to spend time with. Would never want to impose. I am a single mum. I’m anxious and often very low.

Has anyone ever had any counselling for loneliness and found it helpful?

I really can't go on like this much more but I can't see how counselling might help but I just don't know what other options there are. Because at the end of the day, I am lonely because I am single, have been single for 8 years, haven't had a date in over 7 and I just see this as being it for me now. I lost my grandparents over the last two years, I have no siblings and while my parents and I get on we are not close. I have lots of friends, I am hugely lucky in that respect, but there are almost all coupled and/or with kids. So Sundays I never see or speak to anyone for the most part as everyone is doing family stuff. I am out most evenings a week doing hobbies but it's not about friends. It's about coming home every day to an empty flat, and waking up every morning to an empty flat. Christmas is coming and I am dreading it as usual. I'd love to go on a holiday but haven't for 6 years as it's impossible to find someone to go with; single supplements make things prohibitively expensive and who wants to spend a week somewhere lovely with no one to share it with - I'd feel even lonelier than now. I am a 44-year old man and I just feel I've really had enough now. It's not about sex - though God knows that would be fabulous - but the whole BEING with someone who isn't just a friend, just snuggled up on the sofa, going for a walk holding hands. Feeling loved and giving that love back.

While I have never been actually suicidal I can see myself getting to a point where I just think "yeah, I'm done now". Hope only gets you so far, especially when you've done all the things everyone suggests to try and meet someone. I was ill two years ago and was diagnosed with a condition which isn't life limiting but puts me on drugs for the rest of my life which doesn't bother me but at the time I felt most ill before diagnosis I really hoped it was going to be something serious that would finish me off.

I enjoy my hobbies and friends. I'm not depressed. It just isn't enough.

ShatnersWig, I don't have any solutions, but I didn't want your post to go unacknowledged. I have heard you.

Thanks @Dan89. I've just had a week's holiday - I did days out and walks rather than going away - so I've not done my hobbies and so I've just spent more time than usual on my own and I think it's really got to me. Saw friends last night (of course in my main social group I am now the only singleton) but otherwise that's pretty much been it. I was just sat here wondering if there is any point to counselling as it can't solve the cause. Back to work tomorrow but on Mondays I am there on my own and the rest of the week there's only one or two more depending on the day. It'll be busy - it'll take a week just to get through my emails!

shatner, a big hug from me! Where did you go on holiday, and how come you haven’t given ‘updates from the camp’?!!! I would have loved to hear what you’re up to! I have never done OLD, I wouldn’t dare, but I have met people who were interested, be it at parties, through work/hobbies etc. And I’m not much younger than you, plus, I’m a single mum and not exactly an oil painting 😂. Why haven’t you dated for so long? 20 years of a terrible unhappy marriage made me wary and fed up with relationships, I’m still quite happy to text friends at the weekend: fancy a walk, come for some soup, I made too much etc. But then I have a crazy teenager and a grumpy cat, an open door policy and everybody knows I bake cakes and make good coffees on Sunday afternoons, so they just pop in, and I crave silence and pottering about on my own!
You live in the South too, don’t you?

candymay, I hate this british ‘wouldn’t like to impose! I have learnt that if you want to see people, quite often you need to take the first step. The cakes and the soups have been a terrific icebreaker, I just invite people around, everybody loves cake! And you’ll be surprised to see how many other mums are stumped on rainy Sunday afternoons! Just for an hour or so.

user, retrieve the fwb!!!😂😂😂

noosh, I love my weeknd mornings. I turn on every appliance I own, plus the radio and come back to bed with a coffee 😂, love it! What did you do this weekend?

I worked, extra shifts, I am so tired it’s not even funny! But I went to see a friend who fed us royally, I tried my new slow cooker. I love it. I called it Garry, the ideal man, waiting for me with a hot meal at the end of a long day. Between Garry and the stone buddha, I’ve built my own harem. Lest we forget my favourite appliance, the dishwasher, who was blocked on Friday night, I nearly cried. Then youtubed how to unblock it and now we’re in a relationship again.

Anyway, more work delights await me, I’ll go now. See you all later, have a good one.

I've had counselling a few times over the last 10 or so years, and it can be really helpful. I think a lot has to do with the relationship you build with your counsellor. I had one wonderful counsellor who really helped me change my way of thinking at the time, but I've also had a terrible one who I dreaded going to see.

If you can afford it, it might be worth looking to go privately, as you will be seen much quicker than you would on the NHS, plus you can 'shop around and find a counsellor you get on with.

You can use this website to www.counselling-directory.org.uk

8fencing I didn't go away. I don't. My brain does the "why pay all that money to be on your own - may as well stay at home and be on your own and keep the money!" I just don't enjoy going away by myself aside from the ridiculous cost of a single supplement and the idea of one of those group holidays with people you've never met (and which are still very expensive) is not my idea of fun at all.

As for why I've not dated... I don't want children or to be a step parent. So my dating pool is pretty slim, even on dating websites. People don't quite get it and assume it's not as bad as that, but if I tell you when I was last looking, I did a search of women five years younger and five years older than me, non smoking, didn't want or have kids. No other criteria. Within 25 miles of me there were 7 profiles. Within 50 miles there were 21. I had to go to 100 miles to get over 50. And then you have to hope you find one of them attractive, and with a mutual interest. I did all the sites for ages, paid and unpaid, but I won't go back. It just flags it up even more.

Dan89 I've had a good look at counsellors in my local area but I guess I can't get my head around how they can help. It's pretty hard to change your thinking about being alone when you are, well, alone.

shatner I’m sorry to read you’re so unhappy with your situation. Like you, I can’t see how a counsellor would help to be honest.

I have no words of wisdom, or even suggestions as I’m sure you’ve heard them all before. I do have a question though, why are you so against meeting someone with children? It’s just a question, I’m not judging, just curious to the reasons. Have you witnessed poor relationships involving children? Or you just really don’t like them?

I have just finished my 4th (and probably last ever) relationship, late fifties I have dated two men (long term) in the last 12 years, I had children and so did they. The father of my children also had children when we met. I can quite categorically say, that none of the children were responsible for the breakdown of any of the relationships.

There are many women out there, with adult children they probably don’t see very much, as they have their own lives, who would very much welcome a relationship. My ‘children’ are off doing their own thing (rightly so) and when we get together it’s great, but I wouldn’t live my life through them, and you’ll find plenty of women like that too.

Just a thought Shatner might be worth a try?

Namechanger I guess it's hard for those who've always wanted kids to understand those of us who've always not. I've always known since I was very young that it just wasn't for me. I have a goddaughter so I don't hate children but parenting or step parenting isn't for me and even if someone has adult children, grand children may come along and they live nearby then of course, quite rightly, my potential partner is going to want to spend lots of time with them, want to take them out, babysit, have them stay over and wouldn't be on to keep absenting myself frequently. That's not a relationship/partnership. It's unbalanced.

Believe me, I've given this a lot of thought. As I said, it's probably hard to understand unless you're also a childfree by choice person. Someone once said to me "surely for the right woman you'd have kids with them" and I said "they wouldn't be the right woman, and I would never say to someone who wanted kids 'surely you'd give up the idea of having kids for the right man'". We are who we are, aren't we?

I know life would be simpler if I wasnt wired this way. But I am.

ShatnersWig , have you ever told anyone that you feel lonely? It won't stop the feelings, but sometimes it's just a relief to get it out there

shatner, you do a lot of projecting 😊!
Not all relationships work like you’re assuming. Some women would never allow a new partner to parent their children. It might be different when they are toddlers, but with teens/older children, it’s definitely a no no for most people I know.
Equally, most women wouldn’t want to mother someone else’s child, there is no need, most of the time that child already has a mother.

I was married for 20 years, we had a child together. The amount of time we had for each other was minimal, other stuff took priority. In his case, my exh was his own priority. Demanded the same from me, didn’t happen.
What I am saying is time for each other is carved, thought through and it can’t be 24/7.
What you’re expecting is slightly unrealistic. Yes, you might only see each other at the weekend and meet up for lunch once in the week, or for a cheeky cinq au sept, but surely that’s perfectly acceptable, rather than not having a relationship at all?

That’s a CBT line: worries are realistic or unrealistic. The unrealistic ones are delusions, there are ways of coping/dealing with them, such as setting a specific time to worry. The realistic ones call for a plan of action, a SMART goal.
What are your worries, in effect? That she’s going to love her child more than you?of course she will! That the child is going to trump you? Of course it will! But that’s not all she is. She also needs a partner, someone to grow with and enjoy life.
Childless women I know are far more selfish with their time and love than the mothers I know. Because their whole centre of universe is themselves, not a man. You might find that the cat trumps you 😂.
Be open minded and give it a go.

And another thing, gojng on holiday on your own is fantastic. It doesn’t have to be organised by a company and be charged a singles premium. A long weekend in Prague or Berlin, where you get to experience another way of life, different food, different humour is absolutely fine! You won’t forge long lasting relationships with the bloke you met in the bar, or who gave you directions, but it’s about changing your mental setting, taking a small risk. Every time I go abroad I bring back different experiences, I see different things that challenge ‘the way I’ve always done it’. Even if it’s the topping on a pizza, you might discover something you never knew you loved.
I challenge you to book a long weekend somewhere on your own!

8Fencing It's not projecting at all, but based on plenty of people I have known who have been in that same boat. Of course I expect a woman to love her child more than me! Where have I said otherwise?

What I am expecting isn't unrealistic from a similarly childfree by choice person. I agree it would be unrealistic from someone with children - so that's why I don't go down that road. You say "be open minded and give it a go". You're assuming I haven't already...

One of the things you have picked up on is time. I don't want a weekend-only relationship. I want a full-time relationship. What's unrealistic about that? It's the same with lots of people who don't want or do a long-distance relationship because their chance to spend time together is very limited. They know it isn't for them.

I appreciate what you are saying but you are also suggesting I should fundamentally change who I am and what I want. I'm not sure you would tell someone who desperately wanted children just to stop wanting them. The relationships boards are full of women who want children but don't meet a partner and loads of people suggest sperm donation and doing it alone. No one says "change the way you are wired, just don't have them". As I put earlier, I don't think people who always wanted kids can understand those of us who always knew it wasn't for them. I want to share my life with someone. I would like them to share their life with me. But if they have kids and then grandkids then a significant part of our lives won't be shared.

And please don't do the stuff about childfree people being more selfish than parents. PLEASE. We get that a lot.

I'm glad you enjoy solo holidays. I no longer do. I did use to go on short breaks but I just don't enjoy them in any way as much as I do when I am with someone (doesn't have to be a partner, a friend is also fine; I dare say a brother or sister would be fine, but I don't have either!). I suspect had I only been single a year or two I would still enjoy them, as I did then. But when you've been single eight years and you spend so much time solo, the shine really does come off them. I do appreciate and understand what you are saying but people are different. What works for one person doesn't work for another.

I dare say the fact that I have pretty much no family is also part of it in some way.

*Dan Yes, but without whining about it. I may be whining on here, but I do not go around moping whatsoever. Those friends closest to me are aware but they were always surprised when I told them as they said I don't come across in any way unhappy with life. I don't allow it to define me, as I said earlier I keep busy, have lots of hobbies (which doesn't mean I don't have time for someone if they came along, they can all be scaled back). The weekends but especially Sundays are the worst because everyone is doing family stuff.

Hi all!
shatner, I hope it all works out for you:).
How is everybody? It seems this half term has come around really fast. I’ve got a few days off to serve and obey her majesty the resident teenager, and all her whims 🙄, but she’s been really lovely lately, we got back into our routine.
I have been working too much. I’m also ‘dealing’ with a heavily shedding cat, I’m so fed up with it!!!
I managed to fill one shelf of books who are waiting for me to read, I got the throws out and we’ve got hot chocolate, let the miserable weather begin :)

Sorry just posting/placemarking because I can’t find this thread on the app I’m using but can find it on browser. I’ll post again...

Back again. Hello! I'd like to join too please.
Posted something similar on a different thread earlier but the thing that amazes me is that there are zillions of single parents out there, but you always feel like the only one when you go somewhere with loads of kids and parents at weekends.
I have three kids and been missing them massively this HT.

Shite, I killed the thread

Hi newshoe, don't worry, you can blame me if it does really die :P
I would like to join in. I'm a step mum and work with children and feel like life is a pit of misery and loneliness when I'm not at work or out with my DSS. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my partner and he's my best friend, but honestly, how long can you stare at this same face, repeating the same conversations ...
I moved to a new town, been living here for 2 years and I don't even have one person to go out with, as finding new friends outside of work is difficult (60h+ a week), specially as home life has been extra busy after we bought a house. I treasure every interaction with all people but find it difficult to find anybody to meet up with more than 2 times as first the schedules won't match and then the communication dies. I know it's up to myself to go and put myself out there but a lot of the times loving coffee and wine and stupid humour isn't quite enough to fit in :/

I was thinking about this thread last night. If we feel lonely, how must the old, immobile people feel?
newshoe, welcome! This is the last half term I will take as annual leave, my DD does not need me at home anymore. Seriously. Yesterday I planned something I knew she’d love. She looked at me and said: oh, sorry mum, didn’t I tell you I’m going into town with so and so?
It dawned on me she’s grown. I’m no longer here to keep her company/entertain/feed her. She makes dinner for us, umprompted. She spots stuff we’re running out of and asks for money to go get it. She talks for hours about feminism and unemployment and wants to know about finances and arranges her own ‘playdates’. That’s pretty much it, I’m done with half terms.

You see, I’ve always had holidays just me and DD, since she was a baby. I was married, but we used to split our annual leave to cover childcare. So I’ve always been in my own with her and other mums/parents at all the farms and parties, flying abroad and stuff. Never felt odd about it. Hope you did take some time for yourself, even if you missed them.

Annie (I love that song, btw, you’ve just given me an earworm!), I’ve been in your position this summer. I realised I’ve been here 2 years and I have nobody to call and invite for a coffee. Been busy, I still have my friends from the other place (haven’t moved that far) etc. So in the summer I decided to join a book club. Best thing I ever did, I love it. And I’ve met all sorts of people, all local, and now I go through the market on a Saturday and I stop and talk to people from the club etc. I also found myself a running partner, for some bizarre reason we talk mainly about food, what to cook, how to cook it etc, whilst running, like a pair of middle aged women that we are.
Like you, I spend too much time at work, and my job is pretty intense, not a lot of time to chill. But at least now we’re aware and can do something about it.

Wish me luck, I am about to try and make something in the slow cooker for tonight. I think I fancy a tagine, the couscous only takes 3 minutes to prepare tonight. I bought a small, 1 1/2 L one, I’ll leave it to simmer the whole day. It’s going to stink the whole house, isn’t it?
I’ll also make a lemon drizzle cake and prepare some overnight oats for monday.
Apart from that, I’d like to take DD for a walk in the forest nearby and read my book for the book club. It’s cold out there :)

Hi can I join? I'm a single mum with 5 dc, 20, 18, 16,14 and 11... they're all growing up and leaving the nest. ExH has remarried and has an 11 month old daughter. I've realised I have no life apart from work and children, I work far too much as it's easier than being lonely. Reading your stories has made me see I'm not the only one. Thank you for sharing them.

Hooray! Glad to see it's still going.
8Fencing, my kids are young, but I think about that often too, when they are older and what will I have left? Them going away for longer periods with ex is like an insight into the reality of that. I might have "free" time and loads of people kept telling me to enjoy my freedom but it didn't feel like it. It felt empty and depressing and like filling time rather than enjoying it. All the people I usually meet up with were nowhere to be seen last week, because they were with their families. And I wasn't. Apart from appointments and things, I didn't have a single social interaction last week. Not one.
Annie, you work a lot of hours, is that by choice? Working lots and being busy is a good distraction for loneliness, for me, but the second I stop, it hits me like a ton of bricks.

@newshoe that is exactly what I am finding. The older ones are completely independent, when the younger ones are with my ex I have nothing left.... it's worrying. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life.

Hi wtf. I also think imagine I won the lottery or whatever, and could go anywhere or buy anything. It's all completely meaningless if you have no one to share it with. Or is that just the wrong mindset? I can't help comparing things to how they used to be, I had company in the evenings, I had someone to go out with in the evenings, if we wanted a long weekend away, we could do it, and family holidays were easy. Now I hate holidays. I much prefer "normal" life when I'm busy and too tired to think about what I'm missing. I'm not sure I'm brave enough to go on holiday on my own. I wouldn't even go to the cinema or a restaurant on my own, so a holiday seems a big leap.

Is anyone a member of any single parent groups? It's something I'm thinking about, there are some on meetup.