Follow on from my AIBU thread 'to be sad about DP spending Christmas at his exes'

[Tumbleweeds24]

Had to start a new thread here. I posted in aibu in December as I was 36 weeks pregnant and my partner was spending Xmas at his exes.

I suspected foul play and finally found out today that they slept together on Christmas day, she's now pregnant. He's been lying to us both for months and when I went to speak to his ex in person he's done a runner saying nobody will ever see him again and turned his phone off. He's also fucked me over in not paying the rent.

Currently cradling my 2 week old son wondering wtf I'm going to do.

[BarbraDear]

Hi Tumble, I read your thread when you first posted and kept up to date with your posts, not sure if I posted on but I was shocked to see your updates.

What an utter, spineless cunt of a man. I did think at the time of the first thread that you would get a whole different story if you had contacted the ex but I really didn't think it would be this bad.

You and your son will be ok without him.......really you will. He would bring you nothing but misery if you stayed.

Oh and change the baby's name as it's a slap in the face to you and him.

[alphajuliet123]

You are going to be ok. You might even find some sort of support in the form of the ex, your children are half brothers after all.

[ManchesterGin]

I've just read your whole thread. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Be strong for your little one, I'm sure it will be tough but you can get things in place to ensure he doesn't suffer.
As for that bellend, you are well rid.

[alphajuliet123]

Original thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3120724-To-feel-sad-about-DP-spending-Xmas-at-his-exes?watched=1&msgid=75192196#75192196

[Tumbleweeds24]

Baby is due to be registered at 2pm tomorrow and I've no doubt about the fact he won't turn up. He's cowering at his father's place ignoring both me and his ex by keeping his phone switched off.

I spent an hour talking to his ex in her flat, she said she feels horrible for sleeping with him at Christmas, I'm not even mad at her. It's him who made promises to me and she owed me nothing. She is nothing like he made her out to be, and she told me he made me out to be quite the bitch aswell. Playing us both off against one another. She said we need to stick together now and I agreed. It's going to be hard but at least now our children will know one another and won't miss out on a sibling relationship.

Do I suspect he will end up back there? Maybe. If she would take him back. They were together a long time and although he cheated repeatedly he was the love of her life. He told her he only commited to me because I fell pregnant. Well she's pregnant now..

For months he's told me not to talk to her because she's unreasonable and unstable. Today I found out he's been begging her not to speak to me because I'm the sort to kick off and then take his son away from him. Ironic that he's the one who's now ran away because he's been caught out.

I can't believe he would put his newborn sons home in jeopardy. I'm going to talk to the landlord tomorrow and then go down the council.

[Keepingupwiththejonesys]

I'd also change babies name. It will be a reminded of what a shit his dad is forever. You and your baby deserve better. Sorry all this is happening but I'm glad you and his ex are able to be civil

[AcrossthePond55]

I'm so sorry things have turned out like this.

I'm glad you and the ex seem to have formed some sort of supportive relationship. But do remember that if you have any feeling, even an inkling, that she will take him back, don't tell her anything you wouldn't want him to know. If she wants to get back together with him, she'll be sure to tell him. So sympathize, support, but keep any plans and thoughts to yourself.

[Tumbleweeds24]

I only ever call my son a shortened version of the name his dad picked anyway, I never liked the full thing all that much but the short version I like and fell in love with. It's who he is now, his identity, my take on it and not his father's. I'll be changing the middle name he gave him though and obviously he won't be taking his surname now

[ConfusedButInLove]

Ok I am so so sorry
I would think about changing baby's name. Do you really want the name they 2 chose for their child?
I hope in time you manage to work things out between all the siblings. As for hi. The ex can have him.
I feel gutted for you. You were so lovely when it came to his children. You thought about them more han he did

[ConfusedButInLove]

Sorry x post. You can register him with just the short part not the full name. Your and your wee guy will be okay in time.

[DonnyAndVladSittingInATree]

I’m a bit shocked that she slept with him just after finding out about you and your baby. Wasn’t she furious with him? Did he tell her you were separated or what? Its weird that would make her want to get with him.

FWIW OP I would be wary of getting too close to her. He has form for lying to her and like you say he is the love of her life, she is now pregnant with his child, it’s entirely possible they will get back together. Don’t trust her too easily. Keep your wits about you.

[Tumbleweeds24]

I saw his youngest when I was there tonight, he came in and said hiya. The poor little darling had no idea what was going on around him and thank god for that.

I wonder what the arsehole actually feels. Whether he was as unhappy with me as he was telling her he was. Whether he wants to be back there or here with me. I'm just curious what he feels and for who.

He told her I stopped having sex through the pregnancy, unlike her who had a big libido. The evil bastard forgot to mention the part where I had placenta previa though.

[Tumbleweeds24]

She told me she was drunk when she slept with him at Christmas and he was sober, that she called his mum in the morning in tears saying she regretted it and had made a mistake.

She even said she paid for his taxi home Xmas day, then he rang me making out he had been asleep on the sofa with a headache the cheap lying bastard

[HeebieJeebies456]

i wouldn't be naming him on the birth certificate either

[HeebieJeebies456]

don't be a fool and fall for her Little Miss Innocent i-was-so-drunk- act - she knew exactly what she was doing.

Afterall.....if it was truly a mistake she would have taken the MAP
She wanted him back and this is her way of achieving that

[Graphista]

Sorry you're going through this but all you're saying, I'm not surprised.

Hate to add more but I think you need to be prepared to find he has yet more children with other women and you need sti screening ASAP. Doesn't sound like he's exactly a conscientious condom wearer. And especially as you've just given birth you're vulnerable to infections.

Yes you can claim csa without him being on the birth certificate

Lack of tears - you're understandably in shock plus still dealing with raging hormones.

You do need to be very careful what you tell her too, she is no more your friend than he is. She has her own interests to consider (which is fair enough as he's such a shit!) careful too what you say to his family.

He's been spinning a hell of a web!

[Tumbleweeds24]

I don't think you're far off when you said this is maybe her way of getting him back. She kept reiterating tonight how she wouldn't keep him from seeing his kids, is close to his mum etc. If she could over look everything he's done just to have him back then I'm sure he would jump at the chance given how miserable he apparently was with me.

[Tumbleweeds24]

Haven't eaten at all today and I'm exhausted but won't be able to sleep. I feel utterly spaced out, that's the shock I think. I hope this doesn't tip me over the edge when reality sinks in. My midwife already said I'm at heightened risk of PND due to past anxiety issues

[DonnyAndVladSittingInATree]

Don’t hesitate to see your GP if you are struggling. Take all the support that’s available. I’ve been on my own with a newborn and a toddler and it’s tough but actually, you just fall into a routine and go on autopilot and you realise you’re getting through the days one by one. But if you need help, get it, seriously. Don’t be a martyr to exhaustion or depression.

[Tumbleweeds24]

If i get to the point where I feel I need to see a GP I will. I need to be okay for my son's sake.

His ex told me that when he left her he kept his phone off for 4-5 days then got in touch asking to see the kids, but telling her he wasn't prepared to discuss him walking out. He just wanted to see the kids.

How do I handle it when he does the same with me? I'm expecting days of ghosting, then a tail between the legs message asking about his son. I don't know what I'm going to do/be comfortable with.

I hope he's suffering tonight. I hope he loses his job due the fact he hasn't gone in. His work ethic has gotten just as slack as his moral compass as of late. He's nothing but a deadbeat in all senses.

[DonnyAndVladSittingInATree]

If he can turn his phone off for 4/5 days then so can you. Or don’t, but you don’t have to dance to his beat. You don’t have to answer his calls or texts when they do come. Take your time. Answer when you are ready. Don’t let him call the shots, you’ve let him do that for far too long and look where it got you. No, take some time to process all of this and think about what you want to happen going forwards. Personally this guy is flakey as fuck and wouldnt know a straight answer if it kicked him in the balls. If I was arranging contact with him I wouldn’t leave it up to him to decide when he was coming, I would work out a suitable schedule for my baby (not him!) and I would tell him “this is when you can come to see the baby.” And make it the same days/time every week. Then I would leave it up to him to turn up, don’t chase him when he is late or ask him if he is coming. Just be there at the right time, allow contact and tell him to leave when time is up. Don’t get drawn into any discussion with him about your relationship. That’s down. It’s over. There is nothing to discuss other than child support payments and contact for your child.

[Mxyzptlk]

I've just caught up on all your updates, Tumbleweed.
Congratulations on your lovely little son.
I'm so sorry your P turned out to be such a selfish, lying jerk. If his ex wants to get back with someone like that, more fool her.
I'd say tell him to keep away, if he gets in contact. It's not as if your son will want to see him at the moment, is it.

[Tumbleweeds24]

His cowardice is infuriating.

I text him saying he's being registered tomorrow does he have any intention of being a father or not now this has come out.

He replied finally with

"I do want to b the shittess dad of the year unless u can find a dad better
I aint nothing but a fake fony old cunt

Im not at work nor am i at home im in a park in the woods"


Wow.

[Tumbleweeds24]

He's just text again saying he will still pay half the rent. That's fucking rich isn't it considering he hasn't bothered this month for whatever reason. I would love to know what he spends his money on. He doesn't pay CSA. I lied to save him looking like the deadbeat he is when I posted before. He gives his children's mum 40 quid a month max. Yep he really is that much of a shit.

[PastaOfMuppets]

Holy shit @TumbleWeed what a nasty waste of oxygen this man is ... you poor woman ... I hope the registration goes well and that you're doing ok