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Original poster

Follow on from my AIBU thread 'to be sad about DP spending Christmas at his exes'

731 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 00:03

Had to start a new thread here. I posted in aibu in December as I was 36 weeks pregnant and my partner was spending Xmas at his exes.

I suspected foul play and finally found out today that they slept together on Christmas day, she's now pregnant. He's been lying to us both for months and when I went to speak to his ex in person he's done a runner saying nobody will ever see him again and turned his phone off. He's also fucked me over in not paying the rent.

Currently cradling my 2 week old son wondering wtf I'm going to do.

OP posts:
alotalotalot · 29/01/2018 10:25

Be friends with his ex but don't trust her at all. Be wary.

And don't play games or try to get one over him like letting him know about your ex. You shouldn't care about what he thinks. He's a scumbag, not worthy of any thought.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 10:28

I won't be rubbing his face in it personally about my ex coming to see me, there's no point as I did nothing to gloat about, I wouldn't be overly fussed if she told him though. I didn't tell her I was having my ex over just a friend but she could hear a males voice so she will probably relay that if she has hopes they'll reconcile.

I certainly don't want him back anyway, despite the pain I can say that much for sure

OP posts:
LizardMonitor · 29/01/2018 10:28

"When the younger sister came downstairs to meet me he screamed at her and shoved her backwards before storming off and kicking/punching a car wing mirror. "

Tumble: this is not a man who can have a relationship as a father, this is not a man you could have forgiven for having an affair.

Look after yourself and you little one, and I would be cautious and non-committal about a friendship with the ex. You don't have to do anything now. Be careful before you make yourself vulnerable as her ally and confidante.

Once the dust has settled, have a look at the freedom programme, and the Women's Aid website about what constitutes emotional abuse.

Sadly a drinking mother and a former long term abusive relationship will have taken their toll and skewed your radar as to what a good partner and a healthy relationship look like.

But remember - you are NOT worthless, not at all. You will be the heroine on your little boy's life, his rock and his protector. Enjoy him!

LizardMonitor · 29/01/2018 10:33

Tumble: block his number and stop talking to anyone else about him. You don't need to know what he is doing at work or not.

You don't need to communicate with him or about him AT ALL. Until you fill in that CSA form. He doesn't need to know when you are doing that or IF you are doing that.

I think talking to your HV is a good idea.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 10:42

I've actually done the freedom program before which makes me feel all the more stupid for not recognising him as the abuser that he is. If i could arm myself with all that knowledge and still allow somebody as insidious as him to slip through the net then my self esteem must be absolutely fucked

OP posts:
Lndnmummy · 29/01/2018 10:44

You can respond to the ex and tell her that you are devastated. That you have a newborn and your world has fallen apart. You can say this to her. She is pregnant yes but frankly so were you a few weeks ago when she shagged him and now you have a newborn. Sad

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 10:45

I did message her back I said I'm devastated, cannot eat and have barely slept. Hopefully she has something of a conscience and doesn't make the healing process any more painful than it is

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 29/01/2018 11:08

Definitely be wary of the ex, but he sounds like a very good liar and has probably had her fooled just like he did with you. Also make sure to claim everything you can, child benefit, housing benefit, child tax credits. Put in a claim for maintenance but don't rely on it, you already know that he has form for not paying support for his older kids. And give baby your surname only and I wouldn't be letting him on the birth cert either. He sounds like he has the potential to be very aggressive, shoving teenagers, getting into fights, damaging property. Just concentrate on your lovely baby, you'll get through this.

DearMrDilkington · 29/01/2018 11:20

Did the knob mention going with you to register your ds? Please make sure you use your surname!

MidnightAura · 29/01/2018 11:27

I echo the others- please do not give your beautiful baby this rats surname and don’t put him on the birth certificate. He doesn’t deserve it.

The ex may have been fed a pack of shit the same way you have but Surely she just have known about you? If she is close to his Mum who knew you were pregnant?

Just be wary thats all.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 29/01/2018 11:34

He sounds a right catch.

You've had a lucky escape, you probably feel worse that you didn't see it coming. That's not your fault, not all men are lying cheating pieces of shit.

Just be grateful you found out sooner rather than later.Flowers

Bitsandbobsalot · 29/01/2018 13:08

What a scum bag. Your and your son are much better off without this waste of space. The situation between him and his ex sounds very toxic. She’s not all innocent drunk or not she knows he’s a liar and a pathetic excuse of a man and she slept with him. I can’t imagine been so drunk I’d have unprotected sex my a ex on Christmas Day knowing he’s in a relationship with a baby on the way. However at least she’s told you the truth and seems sorry while he’s wallowing in self pity because he’s been caught. He really is disgusting.
If it were me Id want my dc as far out of this situation as possible. You’ve done nothing. They’ve done all this. They’ve created chaos in your life. It probably doesn’t seem like it now but you’ve had a lucky escape. Imagine not finding out till years down the line when you dc is more aware or there is more debt and married to him.
The best revenge is living a good happy and happy life with your little ds. It might not seem like it now but I believe your much stronger than your giving yourself credit for. Flowers

sassymuffin · 29/01/2018 13:14

OP I've just read both threads.

This will be one of the most emotionally fraught times of your life. You have had a baby and been betrayed by your partner.

You sound like a wonderful, caring person and mum. You are articulate,intelligent and very strong. These next few months are going to be tough emotionally and physically but as daunting as it may appear I'm it will be easier on your own than with a untrustworthy, unreliable manchild.

When you are feeling low think of the below qualities your ex possesses:

He is a compulsive liar and cheat. He lives a feckless, irresponsible life barely holding down a job. He "games" all day like a teenager and clearly has personal hygiene issues if your description of his putrid feet are anything to go by. He doesn't financially support his two other children adequately - £40 per month!!! Over a year that is £4.62 per child per week - or 66p per day (but he still smokes cigarettes). He has bouts of temper/violence when confronted with his lies and then invents a story about attempted suicide to try to garner sympathy. He gaslights and manipulates people everyday and is a misogynist.

You and your son are so much better without him, he is a disgusting person. Flowers

sassymuffin · 29/01/2018 13:16

Sorry about my shocking grammar and missing words, but you get the gist Blush

DearMrDilkington · 29/01/2018 13:23

How are you feeling, tumble , have you managed anything to eat yet?

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 13:33

Thank you everyone

I'm on my way to register DS now, alone. I spoke to XP on the phone an hour ago and told him I've rebooked the registration for next week as I'm physically and emotionally drained and need some time to consider whether I want him there.

What the fucker doesn't know is that in an hour's time my son will be registered under my name with no trace of him on the cert. A minute triumph and 'fuck you' given the circumstances I think.

He realised the stonewalling wasn't working so resorted to emotional blackmail. He's so sorry now, he felt more for me than I ever knew and was scared to admit it to himself. Swears blind that when he told his ex he was unhappy it was about his job and not seeing his kids - he was very happy with me he says. He deserves everything he gets he says, then asks if there's anything left between us (my ex narc used to do this - well of course he did they're all the same aren't they)

Then came more texts about how beautiful I looked. Beautiful? I was a furious mess.

His ex has been speaking throughout the day, she suspects he won't want anything to do with her new baby but he says to me he will "have to be a dad"

He needs castrating. I've welcomed his ex to accompany me for an STI check as god knows what else he's been up to.

OP posts:
Tighnabruaich · 29/01/2018 13:36

Just a thought. If they only slept together on December 25, would she even know she was pregnant yet?
So sorry for all this shit this twat is putting you through.

catlover97 · 29/01/2018 13:37

Well done Op, so glad you're going on your own to the appointment.
You are doing so well Flowers

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 13:38

I've had a nice hot bath, done my hair and make up and listened to some good old angry break up music. I'm feeling ok for now. Better than this morning. I know it's going to come in waves but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. He was never good enough for me

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 13:40

Good question about whether she knew i was pregnant. She said she found out about me and bump at Christmas. I'll have to ask her and get back on that part.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 29/01/2018 13:41

Your self-esteem has been strong enough to get rid of him, when you learnt the truth. Do not put him on the birth cert. This does not mean that you will never let your son know his father, just that you will be able to control the situation.

My dd didn't put her violent ex on my dgd's birth certificate but otherwise facilitated him seeing their dd. A couple of months ago he came round and attacked her in front of the child, which was horrible, but at least she can now cut him completely out of their lives without having to convince a judge first of all.

SherbertLemon2011 · 29/01/2018 13:46

Please consider not giving your son the long version of his name. You said that your ex chose it and you do not like it. You would hear it every time at the doctor's or not his exam certificates, thinking ahead I know! Lots of people only have a short version

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 13:55

He's not going on the cert and my son isn't having the long version of his name or his fsthers surname, ever. I hope it's ok to post this as don't know the rules but the father picked Tobias and I'm naming him toby. I always called him by Toby since before he was born, never tobias. I didn't really like the sound of it so shortened it to my taste. I stupidly let dad pick his name at first as it seemed a nice thing to do. Very glad I found this out now for that reason.

Outside the registry office now with my little cherub.

Had a read back to the list of things wrong with him. The putrid feed hygiene comment is making me smile lol

OP posts:
harrietm87 · 29/01/2018 13:56

Toby is a lovely name. Well done you for registering him alone.

DotCottonDotCom · 29/01/2018 14:00

Well done Tumble! And love Tobys name.
Time take take you back!