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Original poster

Follow on from my AIBU thread 'to be sad about DP spending Christmas at his exes'

731 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 00:03

Had to start a new thread here. I posted in aibu in December as I was 36 weeks pregnant and my partner was spending Xmas at his exes.

I suspected foul play and finally found out today that they slept together on Christmas day, she's now pregnant. He's been lying to us both for months and when I went to speak to his ex in person he's done a runner saying nobody will ever see him again and turned his phone off. He's also fucked me over in not paying the rent.

Currently cradling my 2 week old son wondering wtf I'm going to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 05:31

He may well have pressured her into aborting the others. She said the day before he left her she was pregnant then, and he allegedly told her to get an abortion which she did.

After 7 years of being together it's entirely possible he got into her head in a big way, but she seems more headstrong and sensible than he does. He's weak willed, feeble, no backbone - it must have been her love for him that let him manipulate her choices because if I'm honest, he's thick as shit and I never had him down as somebody capable of manipulating. Well at least not until now.

As irrelevant as it is I really want to know whether he only stayed for our baby and if I meant anything to him at all. He never once told me he loved me, I just thought he was somebody who showed his love rather than declared it. I never doubted his feelings for me until Christmas, he showed me 'love' in many little ways

I realise now it was all false. Pointless even asking him. Everything he says is a lie.

Also found out he was talking to her about very private business of mine such as a miscarriage I had when I was younger. Why the hell he did that I don't know.

He's abnormal.

OP posts:
tomatosalt · 29/01/2018 05:37

Delurking to wish you all the best today OP. I agree with the PP who said his ex may be keeping this pregnancy because she’s finally seen this man for what he is and isn’t interested in obeying him anymore. Alternatively, she may just be trying to get him to move back in with her. Either way, you should keep him out of your life as much as possible. It sounds like he has always been a crappy, unfaithful partner.

DavidBowiesNumber1 · 29/01/2018 05:57

Oh Tumble I am so very sorry that it's turned out this way Sad I hope you are managing to get a little sleep, or to rest, at least. And you must eat!
Please think seriously about naming the cunt as your darling baby's father. It will give him too many rights and to be honest it doesn't give you much of a stronger position with regards to claiming child support. I put my son's father's name on the birth certificate for that very reason. My son is 20 now and the CSA have never managed to get even 1p from his father in all those years (he's always claimed to be unemployed whenever they've bothered to catch up with him, even though he had been working) so it really wasn't worth doing.
Your son will be better off with his lovely mummy's name and no one else's.
Also, as you've fallen in love with your son's shortened version of his name then yes, register him like that. He's your little man now so you can call him what you want to.
Am I right in saying your exP had a gambling problem? Can that be where his money is going now? He's not paying his ex anything more than £40 per month, is usually skint before the end of his pay month, hasn't paid his share of the rent....his wages must be paying for something?
Or can it be that he's not been working as much as you thought, spending time with his ex when he should be at work perhaps?
Please be wary of whatever you tell her, his ex. Ultimately she will have her own welfare at the forefront of her mind, she may pass information on to him if she thinks it will get her the "prize"!
Oh dear lord what an utterly horrible piece of shit he is! Angry
Please look after yourself and little man, you can do this and you will both be much better off away from this toxic situation, no matter how much it can/will hurt at the moment Flowers

Coyoacan · 29/01/2018 06:18

So sorry you are going through this, OP.

I don't he does need to be on the birth cert for you to be able to get child maintenance from him. Personally I would NOT give such a person Parental Responsability.

BumblebeeBum · 29/01/2018 07:24

So sorry you are going through this. I had a very similar experience except my child was a little older (12 months) when I found out and I had no idea the other woman existed.

My son has a half sister 6 months younger than him.

I’m now 6 years past this. The pain has largely gone now but sadly he is still draining when dealing with him for access and I haven’t seen any maintenance since we split.

Be prepared for more lies, him to try to get back with you both and the other woman tell what you tell her to him. Don’t give away too much.

It’s really hard as you need someone to give you a break from baby and that should be him and babies can’t just go off for a weekend, so he’ll need to be around you when he sees the baby and then he’ll start the lies and get in your head. And you try desperately to do the best for the kids but put yourself through misery doing that.

Now mine are older and out of nappies and happy to have a babysitter I now am not reliant on him for ‘time off’ so I feel much more freedom.

I feel for you. It’s hard. Really fucking hard. But I have a lovely life now, and the kids have a great time too. Sending you strength.

CabernetSauvignyoni · 29/01/2018 07:28

I'm not saying she planned it but she must be thinking of this as some sorts of ticket to get him back, she has to be, otherwise it doesn't make sense for her to want this one but not the others. Does it?

'Now just isn't the right time for us to have another child because X/Y/Z. I desperately want to have another and I know you do too, let's try next year' on repeat. If she loved him she may have believed that sort of twaddle and aborted when she actually wanted more children, on the understanding she would have that opportunity later. There's enough posts on here from people who's partners have changed the goalposts in relation to children that it wouldn't surprise me.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this Tumble Thanks He's a pathetic, vile, man child that has caused so much hurt to people around him for no other reason but his own selfishness. You're doing the right thing for your son.

GlitteryFluff · 29/01/2018 07:36

Hope you've managed to get some rest.
Right now this seems massive, but one day you'll be ok again Thanks

Lndnmummy · 29/01/2018 07:38

OP I’m so so sorry, listen, just be a little wary of the ex and her motives. You don’t need to feel sorry for her being pregnant, you have just had a newborn. She has plenty of support it seems in terms of siblings and the wankers mum etc. She will pull through and I also think she might be milking this pregnancy to get what she wants him (?). I just don’t want you to be a bystander to all that drama when you have just had a newborn, when you had non of that attention shown at you when you were pregnant. This is just so awful. I’m so sorry.

Be wary of the ex, she sounds manipulative too.

waterlily200 · 29/01/2018 08:02

only just caught up. So sorry Tumble. But like you said it's good you know now before registering your little boy.

Try to make a list of all the things you need to do like CSA, housing benefit, rent etc and tick them off as you go as this is so very much to take in with a new baby.

I know you feel broken but your a Mum you can do this for your little boy, ppl here will try to help and you have your midwife/health visitor/GP and your Aunt. You are stronger then you know and it's ok to sad/angry just use it to find your strength!
X

Lizzie48 · 29/01/2018 08:09

I'm so sorry, OP, what a horrible discovery. Hope you and his ex can offer each other some support. You were right to stick to your guns about going there.

You're already a great mum so you will be fine on your own. Thanks

MidnightAura · 29/01/2018 08:30

I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are both better off without that waste of oxygen.

I’m glad you got to meet his ex and speak to her. I think you should be careful though as they may get back together.

You sound like a lovely person and you deserve way better than your ex.

DotCottonDotCom · 29/01/2018 08:36

Hope you got some rest OP. This thread hasnt been off my mind and I really feel for you.

This blew up all in the nick of time. Its not your little mans fault, you can stick together and take on life, without this disgusting piece of work.

I too am glad you got to speak to his ex, but I have no doubt in my mind that she will take him back too. She KNEW you existed , she still stuck her claws in. Don't think for a minute she has any of your interests at heart. I'd close the door on her now.

IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed · 29/01/2018 08:41

Ive been following your threads Tumble and echo what others posters have said - what a horrible thing to happen to you and you've been amazing throughout. I'm not sure I could have coped as well as you! Well done!

Personally though I think you need some space to think things through. Block him so he can't get into your head. Go and register your little one (ooh how exciting!) without him. And keep your distance from the ex and her family. This is about you and your little one now. Don't get involved in their mess. You needed the truth and now you've got it. The rest of your life is yours and you've got enough on your plate without the drama from the ex.

Good luck! Thanks

Amilliondreams · 29/01/2018 08:53

I wonder how he thought it was going to all pan out. I think he would have covered it up forever if he thought he could get away with it.

Motoko · 29/01/2018 08:56

I think you should change your appointment at the registry office. You don't want him on the birth certificate and get parental rights, and although you don't think he will bother turning up, I think he might. If he does turn up to register the birth, you'll feel that you have to let him go on the certificate because otherwise he might kick off.
If he's there and insists on being on the BC, I don't know if they'll say he's allowed to, or if it's up to you.

Coastalcommand · 29/01/2018 08:59

Could you talk to his dad about the rent money? Explain that he’s not paid and it will take time for you to get a claim in for housing benefit?
Put your claim in today as it may take a few weeks to come through. You may be entitled to other benefits too.
I hope you’re ok. You sound bright and funny and strong. You’re so much better off without him.

LizardMonitor · 29/01/2018 09:00

Horrible, horrible shock, Tumble, but please do not think of your lovely baby as ‘poor’!

He will have you, and you are now FREE of this man.

Do not, whatever you do, give the baby his surname, and personally I would leave him off the birth certificate if that means he doesn’t get Parental Responsibility. You don’t want a lifetime of being beholden to him every time you want to take your child abroad or choose a school.

You can still give him access and a relationship with your son, if that is the way it works out.

Why did he want his passport and id? Was it because he is going to turn up at the Registry Office?

hellsbellsmelons · 29/01/2018 09:05

Oh OP.
This is awful.
I'm so sorry he's turned out to be such a cunt.
But congratulations on your lovely baby boy.
Keep strong for him.
(((((HUGS))))) and of course Flowers

sillyoldwitch · 29/01/2018 09:08

I'm so sorry things turned out like this, what a scumbag! You're better off without him, just concentrate on building a life for you and your son now.

OliviaBenson · 29/01/2018 09:10

I'm sorry op.

But do not let him register the baby with you. Give him your name. You can still claim child maintenance from him.

harrietm87 · 29/01/2018 09:12

OP I read your first thread over Christmas. The thing that really shone through for me was how kind and reasonable you were being - putting his children first. You are clearly a lovely person, are and will be a fantastic mum, and you don't need this absolute loser in your or your son's life. You will look back on this and be grateful that at least this came out when it did and you weren't strung along longer. You will be fine.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 09:17

Good morning

Just woke up, managed to get a couple of hours but nothing more. I had a message from her this morning asking how I am. I haven't replied yet, how do I answer that? My whole world has just fallen about. Even after Christmas but before things had come clear, I was conviced I would marry that man.

He showed his true self. He came with me to the exes apartment block fully prepared to shout at her and deny paternity knowing full well what he had done, if managed to get into the building he was going to shout at a pregnant woman in front of his three young children. When the younger sister came downstairs to meet me he screamed at her and shoved her backwards before storming off and kicking/punching a car wing mirror. I can't remember which now as it's all a bit of a blur. The sister is 16 years old, barely out of childhood herself.

I wish I could rely on my mum not to drink, I really need her right now :(

He has made me feel so awful, so inadequate and worthless. I knew it would hit me today and god has it hit me

OP posts:
DotCottonDotCom · 29/01/2018 09:18

In fact I would text him, tell him you've changed it for next week, because you feel tired.

And then off you go and do it today. Fuck him.

DotCottonDotCom · 29/01/2018 09:19

Oh Tumble :(

Hold on to the anger where you can. You are your sons voice.

Anothergoodday · 29/01/2018 09:22

I would also be very wary of his Ex, I doubt she has your best interests at heart. What also strikes me is how you felt that he was quite weak and and not very bright when in fact he has been very clever and managed to get away with his lies for such a long time, it takes some effort to be so manipulative.

You seem like such a lovely person, please don’t trust either of them ever!