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Anyone else's dh got more insufferable the more successful they get at work?

(351 Posts)
Fitbitironic Mon 27-Nov-17 23:12:59

Dh is in a quite well respected and high powered position at work. It means a lot of time away from us (dw+dc) and I knew that would potentially cause problems when he first started on that path, but he went ahead anyway.
He just seems to get more arrogant, self importance and dismissive every year. He gets promoted regularly and has many ppl working under him, so don't think he gets disagreed with often. He's never wrong, and it's like ww3 if I ever try to get him to see when he is wrong about anything (factual, not just my opinion). Tbh, I often feel like he just does his own thing and keeps me around as an unpaid PA/maid etc. Less respected than the women on his level at work. Who are infinitely more interesting, well presented and impressive all round. (I'm a sahm who used to have a good career... )
He didn't use to be like this. He actually used to buy flowers without prompting, be happy to take DC out himself, suggest things for us to do, and I could actually have a discussion without it turning into an argument. Now it really does feel like he thinks he's better and knows better than me (and my parents and siblings)! Needless to say, his parents think the sun shines out of his backside, as they don't get the same treatment and are forever singing his praises. When he speaks to them he mentions things he does for the family, but not anything I do, it's obv they think I'm a loser in comparison from what they say.
I've previously told him I'm proud of him, but don't feel the same anymore because of the effects it's having on us. Anyone else have/had this? Is there any way back from it?

oldfatandtired1 Mon 27-Nov-17 23:20:48

Sounds just like me and my ex. The further he got up the ladder the more entitled he became. He left me for his PA, we’re now divorced, I got a great settlement and am very happy! (Don’t want to sound glib, it’s horrible and for us there was no way back - not helpful, I know!)

gottodoapresentationthough Mon 27-Nov-17 23:35:43

No advice but worried I'm starting on this path also confused

Allconsumingshitstorm Mon 27-Nov-17 23:38:58

Could have written this. Yep. Ended in divorce.

WeWillNeverBeRoyals Mon 27-Nov-17 23:39:42

Watching with interest, OP.

timeisnotaline Mon 27-Nov-17 23:42:43

I guess if you're just starting on this path it's time for counselling? And some serious telling him off.

Areallmencheats Mon 27-Nov-17 23:43:14

Sorry to say but as my husband progressed up the career ladder he became more and more arrogant and entitled. I don't think there is any way of turning it around.
He eventually left me and our two DC's (after 25 years) to live with a woman who works in his team.
Apparently it's all going pear shaped for him now though.
Quelle surprise!!

Fitbitironic Tue 28-Nov-17 00:33:53

time the serious telling off works for a short time, a bit of remorse, then back to his natural setting. We've been seriously fighting for over a year now, after I realised how generally dismissive he has (and can) be, and how much he has taken all my facilitation of his shiny career for granted. At the expense of mine, I might add.
Counselling is in the pipeline, but tbh don't see how talking it through will help him change his core values.
old glad you got a good settlement!!!

Mrskeats Tue 28-Nov-17 00:38:04

First husband was like this. Insufferable
Second husband is actually more successful but is the opposite. He’s very supportive of my job and not in the least arrogant even though he’s a Vice President of a fairly large company.

Fitbitironic Tue 28-Nov-17 00:42:09

He’s very supportive of my job
Strangely don't remember dh ever showing an interest in mine. Obviously wasn't as impressive as his or his colleagues'...

Mrskeats Tue 28-Nov-17 00:47:27

I’m a teacher and he always says I may not earn what he does but I do something valuable with my time.
I believe we use the wrong scale to measure people with. Money and power is not the be all and end all. Being a good person I’d becoming underrated imo.
In my first marriage differences in values were what led to most of the conflict.

custarddinosaur Tue 28-Nov-17 01:07:23

Maybe draw a diagram of his work hierarchy, ask him who his equals (and his subordinates) are in that hierarchy. Then get him to add his friends on it as well. Then ask him where he puts you.
That might open his eyes a bit.

YerAWizardHarry Tue 28-Nov-17 01:18:26

My ex (son's dad) is fairly high up in the police. Was just a PC when we met, now been promoted 3 times and has gotten more narcissist and intolerable with each promotion- hence why he's now an ex. My solicitor and our mediator said it's very common for men in positions of power to have an inflated sense of self. Judge saw right through his BS grin

yamadori Tue 28-Nov-17 01:18:42

A friend of my DH was rather high up in his job. Occasionally he would ring our house to speak to DH. If he wasn't in, this 'friend' would then demand that I took messages, and would insist that I get DH to do this and that, answer his emails pronto, you name it.

One day I had enough of it and told this bloke that I wasn't his effing secretary, he had no right to order me about, and he could go and jump in a lake (or words to that effect). Arsehole.

His marriage broke up eventually - can't imagine why. He did stop ringing our house though.

Neverexpected2 Tue 28-Nov-17 02:35:58

Sounds familiar. He's left me and 3 young kids after 20 years for someone at work. I'm divorcing the shit

PaintingByNumbers Tue 28-Nov-17 02:36:24

Yup, mine was also massively unfaithful, partly a work affair, sense of entitlement and ego the size of the moon. Intolerable.

Fitbitironic Tue 28-Nov-17 02:38:22

Maybe draw a diagram of his work hierarchy, ask him who his equals (and his subordinates) are in that hierarchy. Then get him to add his friends on it as well. Then ask him where he puts you.
That might open his eyes a bit.

I like the idea custard, but he knows the correct answer would be on a level with him, which is where he'll pencil me in...

nowt Tue 28-Nov-17 02:49:30

DH isn’t getting insufferable, but it is affecting our relationship in ways I wasn’t expecting. I have sacrificied things for his career, only temporarily (I hope hmm). We have come overseas and it feels like the dcs have their school life and he is doing really well at work and I am just going backwards.

Recently we had were talking and he misunderstood something I said, but instead of realising he had, he assumed I didn’t know what I was talking about and tried to correct me, a number of times. It was the first time he has ever talked down to me like that (we met at university, equals in every way) and I was furious. And terrified it was the start of something. I made my feeling pretty clear though, so I hope I have nipped it in the bud.

Doesn’t help with the building resentment and feelings of stagnation though.

TheVirgin Tue 28-Nov-17 02:59:27

My exH is exactly the same. He used to say things like ‘you can’t afford my time, don’t you know what my hourly rate is’ when I suggested he spend any time at home. Worked abroad constantly, just became more and more arrogant. His parents thought the sun shone out of his ass because the only thing they value is money and the size of your house. Eventually his various affairs came to light, he’s gone now and life is much better. He’s still trying to bully me through the divorce process now but we will get there in the end. We did meet at university and have exactly the same degree but he got worse the more he earned and looked down on me with contempt because I had to be around for the kids (no way would he lower himself to doing parent work)! So glad he’s gone.

hevonbu Tue 28-Nov-17 03:59:09

TheVirgin wrote: "My exH is exactly the same. He used to say things like ‘you can’t afford my time, don’t you know what my hourly rate is’ when I suggested he spend any time at home." and "(no way would he lower himself to doing parent work)"

I'm not surprised it says "exH" there. As if he were a hired consultant to his own family.

CoyoteCafe Tue 28-Nov-17 05:28:10

My DH went through a phase where he was like this but we turned it around. A couple of things helped:

1. I explained that I would not stay married to him unless he pulled his head out of his arse. He has to care about how I feel and how things effect me, or the gig is up. Stop fighting and nagging, and just be very cut and dry about it. Also, start getting your ducks in a row.

2. All of his friends went through divorces. For my DH, part of the acting entitled was related to totally taking it for granted that I would always be here. The number of successful men he knows whose wives moved out while the men were on a business trip is bizarre. I swear he becomes an even better husband every time one of his friends goes through another divorce.

3. He wants to make it work. He was being a dick because he hadn't bothered to think through the fact that it would end things. Once he cottoned on that he couldn't act that way and stay married to me, he changed his behavior.

My advice is to start getting your ducks in a row. Make a plan, even if it is a long term plan. Hire people do to part of what you are currently doing around the home, and use the time to develop your own life (whatever that means for you). Your marriage might work, or it might not. The only reason mine did is because I was ready to walk away.

StarWarsFanatic Tue 28-Nov-17 05:34:26

He sounds like an arse but if you love him it may be worth trying to work things out.

If I were you I would have a very open discussion about this with him, or if you feel like he wouldn't listen or it would cause confrontation write it all down for him and then when he has had time to process it talk about it. If you do spell it out for him you have something to refer back to if he reverts back to his old ways.

I don't see the sense in walking away from a committed relationship without making a concerted effort to work things out first. Have you considered therapy?

StarWarsFanatic Tue 28-Nov-17 05:36:49

Sorry, cross post Coyote I wasn't talking about you when I said about walking away. I think everything you said makes sense.

CoyoteCafe Tue 28-Nov-17 06:12:14

I don't see the sense in walking away from a committed relationship without making a concerted effort to work things out first

I agree with you, especially when there are children involved. One thing that is bizarre to me is how many men don't realize that their marriages are on the line when their wives leave. They can't tell the difference between a woman being "whiny and bitchy" and a woman being done putting up wit their nonsense. I think the only hope for these relationships is to break through that.

I'm not sure that marriage counseling is always a good idea. Some of these relationships really have deteriorated to the point of emotional abuse, and in those cases I think it is better to skip joint counseling because it can serve to make the man even more abusive. The only answer is to leave.

Fitbitironic Tue 28-Nov-17 06:20:17

star yes, just getting round to it, also largely for shitty behaviour (from him) which I believe is at least partially due to his entitled attitude. I'm not convinced that's going to do much to solve anything though, he's recently seen someone individually, despite the fact he was there to try and get to the root of his lies and poor behaviour, she had no strategies or advice beyond going to a couples counselor. Which I thought was pretty crap, we never had a problem until he did something shitty within the relationship, totally on him, and the behaviour continues... So how is this not a problem for him to solve? Nothing I say can change how he behaves, and his crap behaviour came out of nowhere, not as a consequence of me being a shitty wife or anything.
Guess that's a long winded way of saying I think he'll find a way to blame his behaviour on me..

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