Anyone else's dh got more insufferable the more successful they get at work?

[Fitbitironic]

Dh is in a quite well respected and high powered position at work. It means a lot of time away from us (dw+dc) and I knew that would potentially cause problems when he first started on that path, but he went ahead anyway.
He just seems to get more arrogant, self importance and dismissive every year. He gets promoted regularly and has many ppl working under him, so don't think he gets disagreed with often. He's never wrong, and it's like ww3 if I ever try to get him to see when he is wrong about anything (factual, not just my opinion). Tbh, I often feel like he just does his own thing and keeps me around as an unpaid PA/maid etc. Less respected than the women on his level at work. Who are infinitely more interesting, well presented and impressive all round. (I'm a sahm who used to have a good career... )
He didn't use to be like this. He actually used to buy flowers without prompting, be happy to take DC out himself, suggest things for us to do, and I could actually have a discussion without it turning into an argument. Now it really does feel like he thinks he's better and knows better than me (and my parents and siblings)! Needless to say, his parents think the sun shines out of his backside, as they don't get the same treatment and are forever singing his praises. When he speaks to them he mentions things he does for the family, but not anything I do, it's obv they think I'm a loser in comparison from what they say.
I've previously told him I'm proud of him, but don't feel the same anymore because of the effects it's having on us. Anyone else have/had this? Is there any way back from it?

Thank you greenlanes. Afaik, my DH has never cut any jobs, but he has made companies more efficient and saved them lots of money!
Maybe we should be looking at why people in demanding jobs handle stress by taking it out on their nearest and dearest.

I’m another one who could have written OPs post though I stupidly didn’t even wait to get into a career, I was made redundant at 26 and had the ridiculous idea to start a family ASAP and work in a low paid but child friendly job (no family help and not earning enough for paid childcare, only 4 years out of Uni) and I honestly thought my child would be in comprehensive before I was 40 and I could concentrate on a career then. Needless to say this idea all went to pot, first child had lifelong disability and I live in quite a deprived industrial northern city, the sort where when you search for local part time job the result are literally just cleaner or Carer, god what I wouldn’t do different if I had my time again !!!

So should I be grateful that my husband has rose through the ranks in automotive manufacturing (another child friendly industry,not!!) I don’t know, all I do know is i feel worthless everyday doing my shitty minimum wage little job which works fantastically for the family

My husband became very successful recently and I have to say he’s still the same lovely person he was.

How on earth is it relevant whether his job does any good for people or not? he could be solving world hunger and it still isn't acceptable to be an arrogant plonker at home.

I agree with previous posters that becoming like this - believing that the value a random workplace assigns you is also your value in life and then treating those you love most dreadfully on the back of it - generally comes from a place of deep insecurity, coupled with a reinforcing work-place culture (and a big dollop of nasty personality).

argh

me not management consultant

me stop reading and go wipe surface in slow way ( I like do slow because make nice and shiny but maybe big clever man who work at ak - soo - en - sure and have black berry tell me be more efficient)

then read my maily paper.

lot pictures and simple words.

All the single people I know have support from relatives and/or an ex who will have the kids for a couple of days each week.

Being the main carer, doing the night wakes, running the house and working lots of hours with zero down time to exercise or relax month to month is far from healthy or balanced.

I think it's also interesting to note the impact of this sort of behaviour on wider families. My DB was a MC and extremely successful very quickly from very early on in his career. My DParents have for years fawned over his achievements and all family gatherings had to suit his diary / commitments over anything else because of course he worked so hard blah blah blah. Once I had DC I truly couldn't be bothered with it anymore. He like a PP above thinks he is the gospel on anything, drones on about himself or politics incessantly and is genuinely put out that I am no longer prepared to dance to his tune. The consequence is that we now have a very strained relationship. He shows zero interest in my DC which makes me sad as we had no extended family growing up and I'd hoped it would be different for my DC. I certainly have no influence or bargaining power to change his behaviour - all I can do is withdraw. I genuinely fear for the day our DP's both pass away as I can't imagine him being anything other than horrific and dictatorial over their estate

My DB isn't a MC but otherwise, you are describing my family too. It has made me really sad in the past but actually, this thread has been quite a revelation and really helped me realise that this situation is not my fault and there is nothing I can do about it.

Actually, my DPs don't fawn, they try to keep things level but they are wary and saddened by his behaviour and attitudes. And it drives my DB mad that they would rather visit our welcoming, shambolic house rather then his pristine stately home complete with ballroom.

I'm always confused by what jobs are considered important and get the kudos. I remember I used to commute over a toll road- big BMWs, range rivers, jags etc with private registrations (one tosser had R1CH) all suited and booted driving to their very important jobs. But if the bloke on minimum wage who took the toll money didn't turn up and one booth was down, we were all late for work. Most people get stressed out by their work at some point- you don't get to be an abusive arse just because you get a big salary.

Could have written this myself.
I’m a WAHM (evenings when DCs are sleeping) and doing a distance learning degree so I can get a better job when both DCs are at school. Last week DH told me that my CV is crap and I have no chance of a career even if I get my degree.
What he doesn’t realise is that I’m at home looking after the DCs, working from home, doing a degree from home, doing the housework etc etc when he’s away 2-3 nights a week on average and was away working 6 nights in a row this week. I’m doing the best I can!

Last week DH told me that my CV is crap and I have no chance of a career even if I get my degree.
What he doesn’t realise is that I’m at home looking after the DCs, working from home, doing a degree from home, doing the housework etc etc when he’s away 2-3 nights a week on average and was away working 6 nights in a row this week. I’m doing the best I can!

What a complete prick.

If you have no chance of a career it's because all your energy is channeled in to facilitating his career
You are doing all the unpaid work without which he would be unable to do his work

Going back to the ‘what is success’ question - this is a great article about death bed regrets. Yeah OP’s ‘d’h, how is the Big Job going to comfort you when death is knocking?

www.bronnieware.com/blog/regrets-of-the-dying

Very poignant, JT

What's so damaging nowadays, and quite frankly creates an impoverished family experience is the hierarchy, the notion of "important work" (big deals in Board rooms, spreadsheets and budgets) versus "menial work" (stuff that the "important person earning the income" won't deign to do because they're waaaay too busy doing the important work).

I don't have much to add other than the maxim, what goes around comes around. They'd better watch out, those "important" people, because the very company at whose altar they worship won't think twice about throwing them on the trash heap the minute they are forced to take time off for stress induced illness because of long hours and adrenaline pumping round their body day after day. They'll suddenly find that some bright young thing will be coming in to take their place. Then they won't be quite so important anymore.

Fitbit, you're an amazing woman to have put up with his arseholery for as long as you have. We all wake up in the morning and choose our attitude. I hope he changes his, or he'll risk losing you forever.

You need to turn that around on him OP. He's worked out he could only have contributed a fraction of the entire time you've been married has he? Surely the obvious question is what is the point of him in your life and marriage then. He totally fails to even try to see your viewpoint so there's no respect there. I'm an mc by the way

snooty - What he doesn’t realise is that I’m at home looking after the DCs
--> What he knows full well, as he is entirely complicit in the arrangement, is that I’m at home looking after the DCs

Corrected that for you there.

Ha, management consultants. Charge you a million quid to state the bleedin' obvious. If you want to find out what's wrong with an organisation, ask the people at the bottom, they'll tell you for free. And I have not been reading the Daily Mail.

Has anyone watched “the Posh Frock” episode of the Good Life?

Husband persuades wife to never get a new dress, to stay in and be all “homely” and thrifty. He loves her that way, you see It’s what works for them as a family

Friends girlfriend comes to dinner, all dressed up and sophisticated and husband spends all dinner staring at her and ignoring his wife.

I’m cheerfully single but I have noticed (sometimes) after starting to date guys they try to shoehorn me into the domestic / home based role even though I’m anything but?

I’m not saying I necessarily want to go out and party all the time (am of age when I fall asleep on two units) and I’m not hugely financially or social status ambitious, but of course I like being intellectually challenged and going out and working out and dancing .

I have absolutely no innate desire to spend my weekends doing domestic tasks and playing house and hosting a man just because I have a cunt.

but there seems to be an unconscious “drive” in some men to (1) turn their partner into safe, homely type (2) five years down the line, castigate her for “not being interesting enough” Germaine Greer actually spells out this dynamic in the Female Eunuch.

Me.

16 months post divorce.

It’s not that he became nasty, it’s more that he was stressed that he became impossible to live with.

Now we get on very well and co parent brilliantly together. That’s because I don’t have to live with the constant stress of him being highly stressed.

It was better when he was in £80k. Once he hit £150k, the pressure was too much.

I’ve only read the title but yes, yes, yes. Always a little prone to arrogance but it was mostly attractive confidence when we first met but now he can be really condescending.

@daisychain your post implies that there will be a some sort career set back that meets out justice or karma. While sometimes high achievers have set backs, they tend, as a group, to be people who can turn things around. There really are people who succeed, take early retirement, and spend winters where it is sunny and warm.

The karma pay out is that if they f*uck up their home life, they can end up trading off their nice wife for a user who only wants their money, and children who won’t speak to them.

Many people struggle financially, so I think it can be hard to accept the degree to which some one can be very successful financially and yet have a miserable life, nothing to really live for, and no one that can go “home” to.

Can’t believe the amount of familiar stories on here! My ex was the same- the more successful he became, the more dismissive he was of me and my increasingly part-time career (due to kids). I felt more like his PA than his wife. When I discovered his affair and kicked him out he said “you’re just a mum, that’s all you are. She’s a career woman”

These stories are so sad, these horrible entitled men who know nothing... I know a young man who has gone into MC. Unfortunately, for most of his life he has been a horrible entitled little shit, treating his mum in particular like dirt, and I cant see him changing now.
OP, you sound so nice and caring, dont let the rest of your life be like this.

What he doesn’t realise is that I’m at home looking after the DCs
--> What he knows full well, as he is entirely complicit in the arrangement, is that I’m at home looking after the DCs

I don't think they think of the family at home tbh. Too busy being the star of the show, the admired high flyer at work, the one the minions can turn to.