Anyone else's dh got more insufferable the more successful they get at work?

[Fitbitironic]

Dh is in a quite well respected and high powered position at work. It means a lot of time away from us (dw+dc) and I knew that would potentially cause problems when he first started on that path, but he went ahead anyway.
He just seems to get more arrogant, self importance and dismissive every year. He gets promoted regularly and has many ppl working under him, so don't think he gets disagreed with often. He's never wrong, and it's like ww3 if I ever try to get him to see when he is wrong about anything (factual, not just my opinion). Tbh, I often feel like he just does his own thing and keeps me around as an unpaid PA/maid etc. Less respected than the women on his level at work. Who are infinitely more interesting, well presented and impressive all round. (I'm a sahm who used to have a good career... )
He didn't use to be like this. He actually used to buy flowers without prompting, be happy to take DC out himself, suggest things for us to do, and I could actually have a discussion without it turning into an argument. Now it really does feel like he thinks he's better and knows better than me (and my parents and siblings)! Needless to say, his parents think the sun shines out of his backside, as they don't get the same treatment and are forever singing his praises. When he speaks to them he mentions things he does for the family, but not anything I do, it's obv they think I'm a loser in comparison from what they say.
I've previously told him I'm proud of him, but don't feel the same anymore because of the effects it's having on us. Anyone else have/had this? Is there any way back from it?

From what you are saying, he has been deceitful about women at work. You don't think he's been up to anything physical yet but you obviously thought he was heading that way. It was bad enough that you made him go to a counsellor. He did. It didn't change anything. He's been a twat to you for a while now.

I hate to say it but that sounds awfully like The Script.

Assume he is already planning to move on to one of his younger adoring fans at work when the opportunity presents. Get your ducks in a row: work, finances, knowledge of divorce law. It's coming.

They should teach this sadly typical scenario in NCT classes so more couples might go into being SAHP with their eyes open about the effects that one person sacrificing their career can have on long term dynamics.

swing, so that's okay, because I stand to lose more if we separate? Are you saying that means I should put up with more crap from him?

Would you lose more if you separate? Are you sure? Are you thinking only of material things?

Fitbitronic, no, the opposite. You shouldn't accept the way he is treating you at all. The question is whether there is something you can do about it because ultimately, things changed on both sides so it's not just his fault that he feels he way he does, or his attitude is not going to change at all in which case, I agree that you might need to consider doing things for yourself.

I don’t even have kids yet and I think it’s ridiculous to assume a sahm can be easily replaced by paying a nursery and a cleaner. Not entirely sure where you work or what cushy job you have window but the nursery near us in the city of London with the longest hours runs 7.30-5.30. DH easily works much much longer than that. So one of us then needs to sign up to doing all the pickups and dropoffs. Or at the very least to be out of the office every single day at 5.05 max in order to be there for pickup. Similarly he travels often and at the last minute, part of the job. If the baby is sick, needs a GP, needs to stay home from nursery etc one of us needs to do it - who do you think will be able to? Of course we could hire a nanny but that’s a lot more expensive than a nursery and not everyone is equally happy to leave a tiny baby with a nanny. The fact that you didn’t mention a nanny makes me suspect either your jobs aren’t actually that high powered (allowing flexibility) or you’re making it up. Because every 2 year old I know has somehow managed to fall sick for 2-3 days at a stretch and need mummy or daddy at home.

So please explain how someone can truly “get up and go” without a supportive partner at home. Or point me to any senior person in any organisation - and trust me I’ve worked in banks, consulting firms and in academia, who doesn’t have a partner who is either on a PT job or stays at home.

Your fake naïveté is insulting tbh. So if you’re genuinely being truthful then reflect on who picks up the slack when things go wrong, or be honest that you have no idea.

Zaphod, I have a (very) senior academic post, as does my husband. Our nursery operates 7.30 am- 6.30 pm. If a DC is ill, either me or DH will take a day's annual leave to cover it.

My experience is the opposite of yours - all of our friends are high-powered couples. Nobody I know quit their job when they had DC. It's really not that hard to manage.

So if you’re genuinely being truthful then reflect on who picks up the slack when things go wrong, or be honest that you have no idea.

We pick up the slack 50/50 - why wouldn't we? Why on earth would I agree to pick up more than 50% of the slack? More fool me if I did that!

But there is no way my DH finishes at 6.30pm. I don’t know anyone other than academics who can leave work that early. He comes home at 8.30-9pm most nights as does everyone else I know in banking and consulting. My senior academic colleagues - professors and above in STEM almost universally have a partner who works from home and pickup all the daytime slack. And it’s the one industry where people can actually leave at a reasonable time. But even then I see women professors regularly missing out on conferences etc because they’re scheduled for the weekend etc or having partners who pick up all the slack there.

I think we've possibly got a chance of getting back on track

OP if this is true, then you have to call him on it. You need to know either way. You have Xmas coming up so maybe after Xmas day, lay your cards on the table & broach the subject.
It's going to go one of 2 ways, He'll get a wake up call and will want to work with you to save your marriage or he will be even more insufferable and you will have your answer.

If you do have time before the kids break up, I would try and see a lawyer, (They are notoriously busy in January).

Organise finances, & be prepared. It won't hurt to know where you stand financially, so if fingers crossed it all goes well you have a good negotiating place as to how you wish your relationship to evolve to the next level.

I guess you just think that it's impossible for two people to have successful careers and also have kids. I know loads of people who do this. I think it's a bit sad that you're do resigned to one person giving up their career.

It's really not that hard to manage.
Just get lost window. I told you why. You've got your dh around, and all your friends are high powered couples. I'm frankly surprised you're so successful, when you don't seem to understand the difference in situations. It's really not that hard.

That’s exactly what I mean - you can pick up 50-50. Many many people cannot. DH earns a mid six figure salary, which comes with not being able to just pick up the slack. Obviously we could rejig our lives so he works a much less demanding career, but that still doesn’t mean that people can have those careers without having someone else facilitate it. And the same goes for women in his team as well btw. Similar salaries, similar sahp who does the other bits and bobs.

Also it’s like you’re deliberately refusing to see my point so dropping this now. As a senior academic I’m sure you’ve seen enough of the corporate world to not need me to explain it to you. So again with the faux naïveté and insistence that a setup that works for your highly unique circumstances should work for others.

I don't have any friends who work in banking. But lots who are academics, solicitors, senior IT professionals, architects, doctors - everyone seems to manage just fine without a SAHP. Perhaps banking is unique?

Sorry to be blunt - but two senior professors who earn £120k each and can leave work at 6.15 every day and take annual leave at short notice for childcare does not constitute a couple with two high powered careers in the way I meant it. Perhaps that’s the fundamental misunderstanding.

I’m sure it’s a lovely life that works very well for you. But your prescription that we should all have gotten into a cushy academic career 12 years ago when it was still possible to get tenure and salaries like yours is beyond useless. If you supervise any post docs and phds you’ll also know how precarious our lives are.

You know solicitors and doctors who can clock off at a regular time every single day?

Zaphod, why are you so disbelieving? If one person needs to work late one evening, the other person covers, and vice versa. I don't know anyone who works until 9 pm every night - most folks I know work until around 6, then again when the kids are in bed. Why are you so determined to think that a couple can't both work?

Taking annual leave if your child is sick is very similar to when you have to take a sick day. Sometimes it just happens. That's life. People don't get fired for taking a sick day if they're ill or an annual leave day if their child is ill.

You're very pessemistic, but really - I promise you - you don't need a SAHP to have a career!

Just, wow at Window's posts. You clearly can't teach emotional intelligence and nuance.

I really do think this is a problem, with quite s few husbands I know who are in their 40's and 50's.

All of this self-obstacling and insistance that women HAD to quit work because their husbands work flies in the face of the reality of working couples. A days a year where a DC is ill and covering each other when working late is no big deal. Certainly nothing to quit your career for!

Zaphod - I wish you well in your academic career. There are plenty of full-time lectureships. Ths is fairly discipline-dependent though, as I'm sure you're aware! I hope you find one soon. Unless you are in the US (you speak of tenure)?

My situation was very similar to yours Fitbitironic, although without the issues with female colleagues and port. H has his own company, we have moved countries, he often worked abroad for up to six months at a time, he was doing a doctorate. He had no time at all to give to family life. He treated me as his employee, an underperforming employee. He kept talking about my 'performance issues'. He firmly believed that his happiness was my responsibility but my happiness was something for me to sort out in my 'own time' (I'm not quite sure when my 'own time' was supposed to be for a mother of 2, one of whom is autistic with complicated severe behavioural problems, and a husband working away). He was ALWAYS right, and if I ever turned out to be right about something he would either claim that he had said the right thing and I was the one who said the other thing (gaslighting) or he would find 10 things to aggressively point out that I was wrong about. He blamed me for everything, the state of the house, my bad parenting causing autism , the fact that he wasn't as happy as he deserved. He would bring me weird presents from airports and then complain for weeks that I wasn't grateful enough, but every single Christmas or birthday present that I gave him was not good enough and showed my lack of respect for him. He was forever comparing me to other wives, with the implication that I should have the housekeeping skills of one, the budgeting of another, the figure of another, the cooking ability of another, the managing of the husband's social life of another. He even said that I wasn't funny, I AM FUCKING HILARIOUS.

Anyway, we went for counselling. I think he honestly thought that he would tell the counsellor how I was 'wrong' and the counsellor would somehow make me change. I went in with the attitude that I didn't blame him for anything but we were both unhappy and that was probably because he was married to the wrong person. It was a good position for me because when he complained about specific issues I wasn't defensive, I could just say that what he wanted wasn't me. I didn't really accuse him of anything, I just pointed out where his expectations and mine didn't meet. The counsellor was excellent, anytime he said that something was my fault, or I didn't do something right, or didn't put his feelings first, she would make him explain and justify his position.

Anyway, the upshot of months of counselling is that he realised that he was being an arse and that he really, really didn't want to get divorced. He spends more time with the family. He pulls his weight a bit more doing things with the DC and cooking meals at the weekend. I don't get it in the neck when things are difficult at his work. He listens to me when I tell him something, he has a better understanding of likes and dislikes. We are still in separate bedrooms, because I found that I slept better that way anyway, but we do have sex when we didn't at all for four years. We have banter, and he laughs at my jokes. The DC don't have to clamour for his attention. He seems so much happier now than he used to be, so life is easier for everyone.

I really recommend that you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It was hugely helpful to me in pinpointing where our relationship dynamic was going so wrong.

Come back in 20 years window if anything you’re saying is actually the truth
Remember this conversation

Beer, I don't understand what you mean about coming back in 20 years? I'm in my 40's in an established career, what do you think will have changed in 20 years?

Is sexism so ingrained that women genuinely cannot believe that other women can have successful careers and children? That's a sad state of affairs. We do exist!

Assuming you are not just a troll, window, I'll address your latest gem.

All of this self-obstacling and insistance that women HAD to quit work because their husbands work flies in the face of the reality of working couples. A days a year where a DC is ill and covering each other when working late is no big deal. Certainly nothing to quit your career for!
Those "unimportant few" days looking after sick kids and the fact that I was not able to work evenings as my ex was not physically present lost me my original job (I did not leave voluntarily) and I had to quickly get qualifications for a new one. Fortunately that route was open to me.

Your idea that women create their own obstacles is pure nonsense.

I'm reallysorry that happened to you, Ravenmum. If neither you nor your husband was able to take on that extra slack, why was it you who decided to do it? It lost you your job! I would not accept my husband not doing 50/50 - why on earth was it you who had to do it, rather than him, if it wasn't doable for either of you?