Anyone else's dh got more insufferable the more successful they get at work?

[Fitbitironic]

Dh is in a quite well respected and high powered position at work. It means a lot of time away from us (dw+dc) and I knew that would potentially cause problems when he first started on that path, but he went ahead anyway.
He just seems to get more arrogant, self importance and dismissive every year. He gets promoted regularly and has many ppl working under him, so don't think he gets disagreed with often. He's never wrong, and it's like ww3 if I ever try to get him to see when he is wrong about anything (factual, not just my opinion). Tbh, I often feel like he just does his own thing and keeps me around as an unpaid PA/maid etc. Less respected than the women on his level at work. Who are infinitely more interesting, well presented and impressive all round. (I'm a sahm who used to have a good career... )
He didn't use to be like this. He actually used to buy flowers without prompting, be happy to take DC out himself, suggest things for us to do, and I could actually have a discussion without it turning into an argument. Now it really does feel like he thinks he's better and knows better than me (and my parents and siblings)! Needless to say, his parents think the sun shines out of his backside, as they don't get the same treatment and are forever singing his praises. When he speaks to them he mentions things he does for the family, but not anything I do, it's obv they think I'm a loser in comparison from what they say.
I've previously told him I'm proud of him, but don't feel the same anymore because of the effects it's having on us. Anyone else have/had this? Is there any way back from it?

Although I agree with Windows sentiments I think I could have put it better...

Just... Wow. Did you miss the bit about dh being away full time? I did actually go back to work with both DC, so, could afford childcare through the day, thx (and why would I have had to use my wages alone to pay this?). It wasn't sustainable having to work evenings and nearly a full weekend day too. I didn't say I'd never go back to work, I said I wouldn't go back to my old career. Why is this difficult to understand? DC now go to bed much later, anyhow, so I'll thank you not to be so patronizing. Someone might mistake you for a GF.

Oh my god, window, if you genuinely mean not to be offensive, please, please stop.

Passive aggressive much windowsong ?

If the op had carried on working then there would have been a full time nanny looking after the children and they would have seen neither parent day to day. What an ideal situation for the children!

Ok, sorry for offence! Was trying to say that you can go back to work, it's doable! Sometimes women hide behind excuses when they're not feeling very confident in their own abilities - was trying to offer encouragement that careers are obviously possible with kids (as so many of us do it!). I think I'm phrasing things wrong. OP, perhaps read what I've said with the intention meant (if possible!) and know that you can do it! Lots of us manage, and are successful in our own rights. I'm sad for you that you feel you've given your husband your best years. I think the situation is still salvagable - be brave! Like you'd encourage your daughter to be (if you gave a daughter)!

Of course you wouldn't use your wages alone to fund childcare! But you mentioned that you guys couldn't afford childcare, which obviously means that one of you earns less than childcare costs (so one person quitting work would make financial sense to the joint pot). Otherwise, you guys would obviously be able to afford childcare!

I have been fortunate enough to be able to work part-time. For my family, it wouldn't have worked to have both of us in full-time jobs because we decided, together, that we didn't want to have the children in childcare for long hours every day and wanted them to be able to access some extracurricular activities. Families make decisions together on what works best for them. There are some jobs where there simply isn't the flexibility to work around childcare.

In this case, it sounds like OP and her husband decided together that her being at home would work best for their family. This has benefitted his career - he can work what hours he likes without having to worry about leaving to do nursery pick ups etc.

I have a friend in a similar position. She has recently separated from her husband. He encouraged her to be a SAHM. He did virtually nothing in terms of childcare and worked long hours, becoming very successful. However, he decided it was fine to start criticising how she parented, despite the fact he wasn't interested in doing any parenting himself, belittled her role and then eventually left for another woman. I expect he will treat the new woman in the same way when she wants to settle down and have a family.

Oh, sorry OP, I've just seen that you can afford childcare. I thought you'd said otherwise earlier, but I must have mis-read! My apologies!

It's not easy to be in your position. But I think we are each responsible for our own happiness, and trying to get your partner to change so that you'll be happy rarely works.

I'm sorry that my phrasing is coming across as so clunky! Is there a particular way that I'm phrasing things that's coming across as mean/hurtful? Genuine question, because I'm really sorry that I seem to be hurting everyone's feelings!

Childcare out of core hours, which the OP would have needed, is hard to find and expensive.

I see this happening in the husbands of some of my friends, FitBit, and I honestly don't know why some of them and not others. I know that a couple of my friends have had frank conversations which have had some result, although it hasn't entirely resolved things from what I can see, but others are just ignoring it I guess. I've seen threads on here a few times about many men growing grumpier as they age, and maybe this is another facet of it. They start taking themselves too seriously.

Oh my god, window, if you genuinely mean not to be offensive, please, please stop.

This, exactly.

Totally fair enough window if that is what works for you but please do stop suggesting the OP should do exactly the same as you (you do not know her exact situation and every family has to make a choice that is right for them).

I'm genuinely dumbfounded that "tie yourself in knots to prove your worth" is being suggested to OP. That will not work with a man like this! OP has already said he wasn't interested in her when hse was working pre-children.

OP, I'd get your ducks in a row, maybe start thinking about a new career to enable you to leave him, if necessary. And telling him straight he needs to start valuing what you do, outlining the alternative to him (divorce, split house, kids time etc). Maybe retrain now either way - not to try and get H to respect you but so that you have a more child friendly job option available whether you stay together or not.

I thought you were leaving window? Your faux naïf act is starting to get tiresome. These are hardly new issues to anyone that has ever talked to other mums about working/not working/balancing career and family.

and the fact if OP was working she would most probably be doubly working as all the house/children things would fall upon her! not just the cleaning and parenting but the mental load of remembering birthday parties, activities, school staff, parents evenings.

If you don't have a supportive partner than I really don't think being "ambitious" or more "interesting" would have helped one iota

How old are you children window?

I went back to work. It's an interesting professional career and I built it up until I was earning the same as my ex. My in-laws said it was good that I was earning some pocket money for myself and my ex agreed. My FIL gave me advice on how to do my job based on one year of a degree in a vaguely similar subject which he then dropped. I have a full degree in the subject and a postdoc qualification at the highest level in this field. My ex could not see why his father's "help" was patronising.

Ex's sister (a lawyer) must have made some similar complaints this week and ex was explaining how angry she was. I told him that she was probably fed up with getting the shit tasks (Xmas organisation) dropped in her lap by her brother and father just because she's a woman. (Her dh is less of a dick I think.) Ex laughed merrily.

I worked evenings and so on while I still took care of housework and kids to enable ex to do his "high-flying" job. Ex never appreciated any of this or saw me as his equal. Also got worse the more responsibiity he took on. In the end he found himself a more exciting OW at work.

It's not because you're not interesting and high-flying that they look down on you. It's because they don't see you as interesting and high-flying.

Yep, also now divorced.
Supported him to qualify whilst I was working full time, supported him to put The hours in at work to get promoted whilst I was working full time and having two small kids.
Somewhere along the line his work seemed to become more important than us, and his ego expanded so that he couldn't see even slightly how that was affecting me. The world started to revolve around him
And any requests made for a bit of compromise (an early finish from Work so I could go out, or for help with the kids occasionally were rarely given consideration). He had an emotional (at least) affair with a woman at work that was very obvious-can't/couldn't see how that affected me.
Bizarrely in his head he has rewritten history and was apparently a very hands on husband and dad. I'm not sure when, as I certainly was on my own with the girls a lot.he was an hour late for our wedding. Anniversary date once, and didn't accept that I had Reason to be cross. It was like he developed tunnel vision and all he could see was his life on his own terms.I've known him since we were 17-he is a massively different person at 37 and at the top of the pole, and in no way the nicer for it, (though he is adept at pretending to be, you wouldn't see through it if you didn't know him very well).It's very sad.

Not insufferable but I've noticed changes as my DH has moved up the ladder. Apparently he is a really good leader and manager. However this has translated into telling us what to do at home and delegating things for us to do. I just laugh in his face and tell him to sling his hook.

Undercoverbanana-the lunch hours resonates. I would run round like an idiot on in line getting whatever we needed so I wouldn't have to stop on the way home and be late for the girls. Occasionally I would ask him to get something I couldn't during his lunch hour. He could never manage it. Too busy and important, or too. It's having lunch (where was my time to have a leisurely lunch?) or would get it on the way back, thus being even later than he was going to be already. It seems so small but it used to make me so upset-I needed him home to help (we had a small age gap with our kids and I found it tough to manage bedtime and week day organising on top of full time work on my own every day). He literally could not get his head round that. And if came down to him valuing his time and time at work more than he valued me and time with our kids.

To be honest I take it back agreeing with window actually having thoroughly read the thread! Regardless of all issues raised this is simply about respect... people should just treat others how they wish to be treated and there really is no excuse for OPs DH behaviour regardless... that's basically it
If I was OP I stand up fir myself and threaten to leave

OP, perhaps read what I've said with the intention meant (if possible!) and know that you can do it!
Not in my old career, which is what you were insisting on.

Anyway, moving on.

This thread is sadly comforting in a way, really scary in others. I so wish I'd had this wealth of information back when I was starting out in a new career, with a devoted dp by my side. We felt like a team. Now I realise I've been putting effort in as if this were still true, when actually I think it hasn't been for a long time.

I think we've possibly got a chance of getting back on track, although I have to admit to being VERY worried about being given the boot in favour of a more exciting model (to him). What he doesn't seem to see is that, just as he probably finds my life and conversation boring (it can be!), I also find his pretty dull most of the time. But you don't see me looking out for a more exciting school dad friend when on the school run! Sometimes I do think men are from Mars. Bastards.

Window is taking the piss.

op people who grow together stay together.

What was acceptable to me at the start of our marriage is not what I want now and vice versa.
Peoples wants and needs change.
What is important is recognizing this, communicating it to each other and then reavaluating your positions.

The problems arise when someone isn’t listening.
I’m nobodies little wife’.
I have needs and I am valuable.
So are you.
Don’t be afraid to ask for respect.
You deserve it.

But you don't see me looking out for a more exciting school dad friend when on the school run! Sometimes I do think men are from Mars. Bastards.
No, not you, but not unheard of some sahm. I don't think you can generalise.

It's still not very clear what is pushing your OH away from you. It really can be two things. He has always been a self-centered man, now totally self-absorbed in his exciting life and is totally oblivious to the fact that he is neglecting you because he just doesn't even consider it.

Or is he purposely keeping away from you because he does reflect on your marriage and concludes that it is not fulfilling or rewarding anymore because he misses the person you used to be.

If it is the first, then there isn't much you can do about it as he probably wouldn't realise what he's got until he list it. If it is the second, then you do need to work together as to what you both aspire to. If you yourself miss the person you used to be, then you should be supported to think more about you and what would make you fulfilled as a person. If however you are happy with your life as a sahm but that impacts on how he feels about you, then again, maybe there isn't much left to save?

*nobody’s

No, not you, but not unheard of some sahm. I don't think you can generalise.
I'm not generalizing, but saying that even if we don't find each other brilliantly exciting anymore, if I don't allow myself to have a wandering eye, why should he? We are in the same relationship together. All comes down to respect, doesn't it? (thx beer)

Maybe because you have more to lose if you were to separate than he does? Ultimately, you both need to be honest with yourselves, are you still happy to be married to each other even if there are some issues that need sorting out, or are you staying together because neither of you want to lose what you would lose if accepting the marriage is over?

I remember saying to o a counsellor that DH (although hardly around due to demanding job) had photos of the DCs on his desk, meaning that that is proof he cares.
She said these can be trophies to flatter his image of himself.
I realised he had to keep the correct image up at work.