Anyone else's dh got more insufferable the more successful they get at work?

[Fitbitironic]

Dh is in a quite well respected and high powered position at work. It means a lot of time away from us (dw+dc) and I knew that would potentially cause problems when he first started on that path, but he went ahead anyway.
He just seems to get more arrogant, self importance and dismissive every year. He gets promoted regularly and has many ppl working under him, so don't think he gets disagreed with often. He's never wrong, and it's like ww3 if I ever try to get him to see when he is wrong about anything (factual, not just my opinion). Tbh, I often feel like he just does his own thing and keeps me around as an unpaid PA/maid etc. Less respected than the women on his level at work. Who are infinitely more interesting, well presented and impressive all round. (I'm a sahm who used to have a good career... )
He didn't use to be like this. He actually used to buy flowers without prompting, be happy to take DC out himself, suggest things for us to do, and I could actually have a discussion without it turning into an argument. Now it really does feel like he thinks he's better and knows better than me (and my parents and siblings)! Needless to say, his parents think the sun shines out of his backside, as they don't get the same treatment and are forever singing his praises. When he speaks to them he mentions things he does for the family, but not anything I do, it's obv they think I'm a loser in comparison from what they say.
I've previously told him I'm proud of him, but don't feel the same anymore because of the effects it's having on us. Anyone else have/had this? Is there any way back from it?

*There

Yes. We split up.

Is it someone on 100K, 300K or 1 million plus x year? Or just someone at the top.of their profession?

I think it is the attitude more than income. My DH's income has doubled since we went through our "adjustment." So more money, more people beneath him on the org chart, but he values me, wants me to be happy, and makes an effort with things like dates.

You could take comfort in the fact that when you get divorced you'll get half of everything. More if you have young children. You could end up much better off, in many ways.

I wouldn’t stay in a relationship like that.

My Dh had the potential to be a knob, when he started to be successful, he really did start to behave differently. (Probably due to his father being the same)
I laid it on the line that I respected his ambition and his successs but he had no right whatsoever to behave as he did. I actually said that whilst his job gave us a lovely life, in the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t that important. He wasn’t a brain surgeon saving people’s lives! I know that sounds very harsh but it made him realise what a dick he was being.

The look of realisation was quite a thing! He apologised profusely and went back to being the supportive H he was before.

Is he paying into a pension for you. My DH did. so I get a monthly income now we're retired.

Get some help in the house. Whatever makes you happy. Work to a career.
It is crap being an unappreciated single parent virtually, but it's your life, what do you want. Use what you have financially to get yourself a life you enjoy.
Even at the highest level there is no guarantee of security, the world changes, companies merge - it may not last for ever but I would def secure some financial arrangement which benefits you.
And leave him to wallow - meanwhile get a good life for yourself. It's always difficult with small DCs regardless.

from the Atlantic article: "...when he put the heads of the powerful and the not-so-powerful under a transcranial-magnetic-stimulation machine, he found that power, in fact, impairs a specific neural process, “mirroring,” that may be a cornerstone of empathy."

This is funny to me because at one point, I made my Dh a sign with the definition of "empathy" on it. I laminated it and everything. I made him hang it up in his office and refer to it when we spoke on the phone.

@Fitbitironic yep same, mine ended in divorce. 💐

I think people - even good people - easily start to take help and assistance they are receiving for granted. It's like they are pre-programmed not to see or understand the ways in which their success is built on someone else's sacrifice. I think the key is not to be the martyr who soldiers on, regardless of this. Get your own career back! Get your own life back! And don't take the crap tone of voice or the put-downs. Let him pick up some of the work that goes with having kids.

Ok I understand now.

They will all end up falling flat on their faces. If they are in corporate land they will inevitably at some point face demotion, sidelining and redundancy or forced resignation.

It's just the way industry is and you need a good emotional backup when that happens as it is tough.

I am going to go back to work now and look at colleagues in a different light after reading this. Men and their power trips - awful!

I think this is v common.

DH is now a Deputy Head in a secondary school - as I was before I became SAHM when DS and DD were born. He needs reminding very bluntly every so often about his ego and self-importance. Not very often but it does happen. You’d think no one had ever had to deal with it all the way he goes on at times. There are more important things in our life than the trivia that happens daily at his job. It doesn’t make him Governor of the Bank of England because he has to produce 3 year budget forecasts and has to spend less. This weekend when he was ‘patiently’ explaining something he is ‘dealing with’ to me, I made a suggestion that might work that I could see him dismissing immediately. Tonight he re-worded it and told me about it as if it was his idea and rocket-science!
It is the only thing we ever argue over and he always ends up upset with himself after an initial stubborn ‘I’m right, you’re wrong’ huff followed by, eventually the realisation he was wrong. It’s ridiculous behaviour and I never give in to it. I hate it.
And he should know by now I am never wrong. 😉

I’ve seen this over and over again amongst my parents generation - and just wondering how many of us (late 20s / early 30s) will end up in similar situations as we start having children etc. Noting down Coyote’s wise advice!

What I find fascinating is that most of the time these arrogant twats turn out to be having affairs. Why do OWs fall for men like this? Why would any woman want to be involved with a smug git, especially a married one, or do they manage to be different at work?

I know Window got some people's backs up - but there is a bit of truth to her words.

You gave up your career and a lot of the things about yourself that would have made you driven and interesting and, well, respectable

When (invariably) the woman makes sacrifices for the children and to fuehrer the mans career becase it is too difficult to have both working in busy job, or you have to move location, or you just want to - whatever. There is a danger that you en up being chief cook and bottle washer which the high flying high earning Mr Big Man sees as actually quite replaceable.

I guess people either fall into two types in this situation - those who aren't so self absorbed and you manage to keep a good relationship with, and those who think the above and end up going through several wives!

We can sometimes put ourselves in really vulnerable places when we have children. I do wish more women would give an equal importance to their own career after having children, and make sure their partners are the kind of people who will do 50/50 of the house and child related work and thinking.

he'll find a way to blame his behaviour on me..

Op I think you know the reality is that you are on a path to divorce. Start preparing yourself now, Solicitor, retraining, get help in the house, so that you are in a stronger position when you finally split. Sorry to be so harsh

What I find fascinating is that most of the time these arrogant twats turn out to be having affairs. Why do OWs fall for men like this? Why would any woman want to be involved with a smug git, especially a married one, or do they manage to be different at work?

It is relatively well recognized that power is extremely attractive. And the smug arrogance twatery around the house is probably smooth charming confidence in social/work situations!

I could have written this OP. However, thanks to mumsnet I realised underneath the whole 'the big I am' he was essentially being EA & FA. I told him simply that if it carried on I would divorce him, it wasn't an empty threat. Thankfully the man he used to be (caring, selfless etc) re-surfaced & things have been ok for a few months. Though he does regress into arsehole mode when he's been away for sometime or the company/someone have praised him etc.

For anyone who thinks windows is on to something..., I’m quoting Coyote again:

The very things necessary for his success were only possible because of my sacrifices. Men either figure this out and appreciate it, or they get married 5 times. Women can't fix it by taking on "being more interesting" as another item on their to do list.

Part of the problem is they are surrounded by sycophants at work. They expect the same at home.

It is a fragile existence, they just aren't aware of it.

My dh did this, and lost his job, got so stressed he couldn’t do it any more. Now all that agreesion from work is being purely directed at me. Ironically I’m doing well at work but he can’t recognise or acknowledge that or that I might be under some stress.

I stay because he’s still in there somewhere.

Time for a clear statement OP.

My ex would slump into the sofa every evening, put the football on and work on his laptop. He never spoke. If I tried to start a conversation he was too busy. I would ask if I could watch something else and he would say he was watching it. I got very, very lonely. The weekend hobby became golf with the boys - all day. I took up running because it was flexible around his hours, golf, football etc. Made new friends with like-minded people.

When we got together we did all the work around the house, new bathroom, new kitchen etc ourselves because we were struggling and pregnant. We had so much fun! Before we split, we were having a new kitchen in a new house and he refused to do any of the work himself because his hourly rate meant "someone else can do it for me". I had been looking forward to all the fun and laughter we used to have when things went wrong or we had to learn something new - all the chaos and the mess!

We used to love camping. He started to say that he had worked hard and wanted some luxury now. I didn't. I find "luxury" really uncomfortable and embarrassing. Making my bed? No - I'm a able bodied human. Cook my food? No - I can take responsibility for my own survival.

So many examples ........

If you think you’ve got problems now with how he values you as ‘just’ a nanny and cleaner, it’ll get a whole lot worse the older your kids get and the less direct parenting (immediate care) they need.

Personally I’d be looking at ways to kick start your career or do things to achieve for yourself outside of the family.

I think the biggest bugbear was lunch hours. It sounds so silly.

We were both working and I would say "can you pick up a wedding card for x in your lunch hour?" He would smirk and say "oh, I simply can't do that. I have back to back meetings blah blah blah." Every time. Guess who did all the running around - in my lunch hour.

I kept telling him that he was entitled to a break like everyone else but no. He is above all that.

It actually drove me to tears in the end.

Women can't fix it by taking on "being more interesting" as another item on their to do list.
I agree with this very strongly, esp as we don't actually have many things in common which he would find interesting, and historically (when I worked and pre DC) he wasn't actually that interested in what I was doing. He wouldn't ask q to keep a convo going about it, whereas I would try to show an interest in some of his.
Also agree it's attitude rather than money - would be great if he was on a million! Sadly not.
Wrt the blame comment, his lies involve the usual - intentions and interaction with women at work, and porn. Wrt the last, it's more the dishonesty and secrecy surrounding it which is the problem rather than the content. And from discussions we have had so far he attributed the first to us going through a bad patch each time (news to me), which is what I meant by blaming me. We have very recently spoken about counseling, I'm def not going to take anything from it if I'm told its my fault. He says that doesn't matter and we need ways of moving forward.
It does matter to me though, as I need to feel he has/will change and can be trusted not to be a disrespectful arse again.

I do think I'm almost at the point of bailing if he doesn't change though. Don't know how I'd manage it, but one of the first things I'd do is let IL know about all his tatty behaviour. Mind you, they'd find a way to blame me for it too!
to all in the same position, or having gone through it! Some seriously disrespectful dh stories on here.