Anyone else's dh got more insufferable the more successful they get at work?

[Fitbitironic]

Dh is in a quite well respected and high powered position at work. It means a lot of time away from us (dw+dc) and I knew that would potentially cause problems when he first started on that path, but he went ahead anyway.
He just seems to get more arrogant, self importance and dismissive every year. He gets promoted regularly and has many ppl working under him, so don't think he gets disagreed with often. He's never wrong, and it's like ww3 if I ever try to get him to see when he is wrong about anything (factual, not just my opinion). Tbh, I often feel like he just does his own thing and keeps me around as an unpaid PA/maid etc. Less respected than the women on his level at work. Who are infinitely more interesting, well presented and impressive all round. (I'm a sahm who used to have a good career... )
He didn't use to be like this. He actually used to buy flowers without prompting, be happy to take DC out himself, suggest things for us to do, and I could actually have a discussion without it turning into an argument. Now it really does feel like he thinks he's better and knows better than me (and my parents and siblings)! Needless to say, his parents think the sun shines out of his backside, as they don't get the same treatment and are forever singing his praises. When he speaks to them he mentions things he does for the family, but not anything I do, it's obv they think I'm a loser in comparison from what they say.
I've previously told him I'm proud of him, but don't feel the same anymore because of the effects it's having on us. Anyone else have/had this? Is there any way back from it?

I've been watching your thread Fitbitironic and really feeling for you, your latest post about your dh reading the thread are so depressing.

He really doesn't want to change his attitude towards you, how old are your children? I only ask because I couldn't stay on this relationship and if possible I would take the kids and go. If they are young I understand this would be very difficult but it sounds like he has no respect for you and I think you'd be mentally and emotionally better off without him. I think you could see clearer without his arguments try to make you question yourself.

Oh, he's just not very nice, is he?

Think about how this will pan out.
My DH is retired now and was a workaholic whose job gave him his identity - successful, clever, capable, with minions to run around after him.
Have to say he hasn't changed much now he's retired. So give your future some thought if he refuses to change.

I doubt very much if your PILs think you're a loser in comparison with your DH. Im sure they've got more insight than that. After all, behind every successful man/woman there is often a partner doing everything other jolly thing else!

Dp works with management consultants and interviews then, basically the more successful they are, the more fuckwitish. Of both sexes.

This is a very interesting thread. OP unless your dp is willing to see another view point then it is over. So ducks in a row for you!

To younger readers who are starting on this path, I have an alternative vision. Dp and I do 50:50. He is freelance and this affects his earnings. I am in banking but as people have said, I am not promoted / high flying. I am just surviving. We both earn a fair amount 70k +, for a strict 40 hours a week each.

We both do loads of parenting and the kids have a lovely life. As we all do as a family and our marriage is stellar.

I could have flogged myself to death in banking and be earning ££££££ travelling, stress, 70 hours weeks. Etc with dp at home.

But what would have been the point? After a certain amount of money, it’s just money. £££ or £££££££ so what? You aren’t happier. If one’s self esteem rests on their career then what happened in retirement/ redundancies? Both partners need to choose what success looks like to them. Hopefully it’s the same! And make choices.

It sounds like the OP and her shitty wanker of a husband have different ideas of what success is. And therefore Are not even talking the same language !

So many people have not thought what success Is, so they internalise the capitalist assumption that it’s money. But what if it’s not?

Anyway this is long and on my phone and I am dyslexic as hell and bad at explaining myself. It’s not meant to be a stealth boast or annoying, just to say that there is another way, not stay at home versus high flying. That middle of the road is allowed and really really nice.

Wow Japanese your life sounds lovely! I do feel my ex and I could have had the life you describe but he wasn't interested in not putting himself first. Sad really as in the life you have built everyone wins.

If one’s self esteem rests on their career then what happened in retirement/ redundancies?

That's a question I wish more would ask of themselves (men as well as women)

Why is having a successful career the be-all and end-all of life?

Fitbit - if he's read the thread and counter-argued it, it doesn't sound like he sees your PoV.

How important is having a loving wife/family and comfortable home to him anyway, as he pays no attention to it?

What an entitled, facilitated wanker. As he’s away much of the time would it make much difference if you split anyway? I wonder how he’ll manage to keep his high powered career going once he needs to pull his weight with childcare, which he will if you’ll be working

Baked beans- not neccesarily. Mine didn't. He just arranged it when he had them but didn't give a shit the rest of the time and basically said "that's what school clubs were set up for"

Much of his maintainable went to pre and post school clubs

I am divorcing H for very similar reasons.He became arrogant to the point of abusiveness. It seemed to relate directly to his earnings increasing and the culture of his work which is highly self centred.He no longer felt a weekend of dc duties or routine stuff befitted his image at work.
His company enouraged self promotion and as he presented to ever larger audiences his ego grew.I started to dislike him as I would not have had a 2nd date with him in his new form, let alone marry him.

In addition to Lundys book I would recommend Patricia Evans "the verbally abusive relationship" as she describes the childhood factors that contribute to these traits later in life.

I think some people, due to insecure childhood, struggle with money or power.They are shape shifters, changing who they are according to their environments.
I have a highly successful family member but he is very secure and has great insight.He uses his power and money to the benefit of others and isn't at all arrogant.

I hope he does wake up but be preared for greater hostility if you stand up to him.

What is a "management consultant". How do they contribute to the world ? How do they improve lives and make people feel better about themselves ?

Anything? Anything at all ?

"What is a "management consultant". How do they contribute to the world ? How do they improve lives and make people feel better about themselves ?

Anything? Anything at all ?"

It's not the job of a management consultant or any professional to make people feel better about themselves. Many consultants contribute by making processes or companies more efficient, ensuring companies are in full compliance with the law or new regulations; ensuring that standards are consistent across locations or countries etc etc. None of which is particularly interesting to the man in the street but is important to ensure that companies operate in the best way for all of our benefit - taxes, employment, community, environment.

What is a "management consultant". How do they contribute to the world ?

It does sound a bit wanky and made up doesn’t it. And nowhere near as important as the OP’s Husband and other puffed up men think.

That sounds pretty unimpressive to me. Certainly nothing to get ideas about being any "better" than your spouse or the person thst serves you a glass of WankVino at the end of a particularly high faluting day.

Yes, I'm NO genius, very average IQ, not educated (formally) and I remember reading something in one of x's books and thinking omg, who wouldn't see through that, who would see that as anything other than manipulation. It was something about getting staff to embrace changes for the worse basically!! Weird that my next bf was a more straightforwardly controlling man than the intellectual mindfuck manipulation that had gone before. Im better now

But, I bet women who are MCs don't behave like this. I know one and I don't think she expected her husband to capitulate to her wisdom and wishes and quietly serve her peeled grapes arranged nicely on a plate.

NannyOgg indeed, good questions for everybody to answer. (privately, internally I mean - not in terms of being answerable).

Being a single parent I feel more susceptible to judgement I think. I don't have a husband to earn money and make our household acceptably financially successful. And I used to feel if every I chose not to buy something it reflected on my single parent status rather than just a sensible decision that I had the power to make, 100% my decision. Two really good books I read over the summer didn't change my views on work+ identity but they have given me permission finally to just do things my way. My own half -measures! My own balance. I recommend Tom Hodgkinson's ''how to be free'' which is a very practical look at money and how to not be a slave to the need for more and more money. And also Sharon Blackies ''If women rose rooted'' and before that the Heroine's journey to an extent. But I think this year was the year I finally detached my identity absolutely from how much money I have managed to generate or not generate in periods of unemployment.

I think women are far better at grappling with these issues of identity. Men will just coast on their work status until they realise they are going in to work every morning trying to pretend their wife and children aren't living three counties away. ime

Management consultant is a wanky career that basically involves going into companies to work out how to manipulate people into accepting shite working conditions.

Their job is to “cut costs” and “increase efficiencies”. Never mind the whole “work smart not hard ethos” : often the best way to do this is to see how to create systems to manipulate staff into being done over.

Did anyone see the Tesco “paid by pocket money card” thread?

It’s that kind of shite that represents the brilliant “ideas” of management consultants : not technically illegal, but just sneaky low level bullying of people in a vulnerable position: nothing whatsoever innovative or “clever” about it.

Ugh. Even worse. It's a job thst makes people's lives worse

Nothing to aspire to at all. I wonder where these people get such an inflated sense of their own importance.

They

Honestly AF and devil - just a load of rubbish. It so pisses me off when people spout ignorant nonsense. It sounds like you've both been reading the daily fail too much this week. During my time as an MC I never cut jobs. But we helped businesses be more efficient so they wouldnt have to cut jobs. Can you see the difference? My old boss (who was a total tosser and could be the OP in this thread) used to say that any fool could cut jobs, the skill was working out how to keep your trained workforce employed no matter what was going on. It was about the only thing I respected him for.

But back to this thread = it doesnt matter what job anyone does it doesnt give them the right to come home and be wanky. And yes sadly it does seem to be mostly men who behave like this. I believe that surgeons and other senior doctors can be like this as well.

Have never tead the Daily Mail in my life

And I agree that folk from all walks of life can be ignorant and arrogant twats. I am happy to burst anyone's bubble on that score.

When I left University, it was unimaginative types who went into MT. Dullards with no life experience who wanted to earn a lot of money.