Anyone else's dh got more insufferable the more successful they get at work?

[Fitbitironic]

Dh is in a quite well respected and high powered position at work. It means a lot of time away from us (dw+dc) and I knew that would potentially cause problems when he first started on that path, but he went ahead anyway.
He just seems to get more arrogant, self importance and dismissive every year. He gets promoted regularly and has many ppl working under him, so don't think he gets disagreed with often. He's never wrong, and it's like ww3 if I ever try to get him to see when he is wrong about anything (factual, not just my opinion). Tbh, I often feel like he just does his own thing and keeps me around as an unpaid PA/maid etc. Less respected than the women on his level at work. Who are infinitely more interesting, well presented and impressive all round. (I'm a sahm who used to have a good career... )
He didn't use to be like this. He actually used to buy flowers without prompting, be happy to take DC out himself, suggest things for us to do, and I could actually have a discussion without it turning into an argument. Now it really does feel like he thinks he's better and knows better than me (and my parents and siblings)! Needless to say, his parents think the sun shines out of his backside, as they don't get the same treatment and are forever singing his praises. When he speaks to them he mentions things he does for the family, but not anything I do, it's obv they think I'm a loser in comparison from what they say.
I've previously told him I'm proud of him, but don't feel the same anymore because of the effects it's having on us. Anyone else have/had this? Is there any way back from it?

Fitbit -- he is being shitty to you and blaming it on you? I agree that it sounds like an affair, and I suspect that you need a solicitor, not a counseling.

I feel for you OP. My ex was like this. We met young, he got got a good degree, and was earning 50k as a starter salary. This rose rapidly and he started judging people by how much they earned including me. I was a trainee teacher at the time with a part time minimum wage job. He refused to do housework as "his time was more valuable." I left him eventually. He's on his third marriage in just over ten years so I'm assuming he hasn't changed his ways.

My current DP used to be like this. It cost him his marriage and a lot of money. I think the experience changed him. He's now very thoughtful, will go out of his way to please me as he can see the consequences of his prior actions.

@windowSong Are you actually serious? The mother of his children who facilitates this glittering career. A nanny/maid? Fucking Hell.

Ah, I'd ignore that claptrap. Goady McGoadyface

I'm still married to one of these. A lot of people think that being married to one of these high flying men is a a Good Deal when, in fact, it's the opposite. Money means jack sh*t when you have them to deal with. Ironically, he has been splashing the cash while I struggle to get to the end of each month. I've also had the comparisons with work colleagues. FFS - no I don't wear a body con dress and have manicures to run the house!

As I said, I'm still married. Just. I gave up my career to support his, and he became more and more inflated with his own importance. His friends and colleagues have made comments over the years about his behaviour to me. Along the lines of 'How do you put up with it?'

He has started to delegate more work to others, which has meant less stress. That's helped with the shouting (him) and general anger directed at me.

The DC are at uni, so no small ones to think about, luckily.

The reason why I'm still hanging in there is that occasionally I see the old DH that I married. I've had to lay it on the line with him. I now get a household account that stretches further. I have refused to put up with his bulls*t. I think he knows I'm prepared to walk.

I've been seeing a counsellor regularly on my own, which has confirmed some of my feelings and has given me tools to deal with him. He doesn't know.

I've been to see a solicitor and just found out where I stand. He doesn't know this either.

And lastly, I've gone back into education and am retraining to do something else. I've hired help in to deal with cleaning and some gardening, and I'm getting my self respect back.

Not sure if any of this helps. I don't want to give up on this if I can, but I genuinely feel he has more to lose than I do... that's for sure.

SORRY. EPIC POST.

^Maybe draw a diagram of his work hierarchy, ask him who his equals (and his subordinates) are in that hierarchy. Then get him to add his friends on it as well. Then ask him where he puts you.
That might open his eyes a bit.^

I like the idea custard, but he knows the correct answer would be on a level with him, which is where he'll pencil me in...

And then pencil in where you feel he puts you and dc.

windowSong

Window - that is cruel.

Yup happened to me too. On my birthday, he was too busy but he'd make it up to me on our anniversary.
He could only give me time at lunch. He wasn't very hungry, but I could eat if I was, and he was on his phone the whole time.
As we only had 1 car, I had to pick him up from work, he had to work late, so told me to return in an hour, when I did, it was another hour - I went into his office every time, he was sat with his boss. After the third time, he said he needed more time, but I should just go to the mall for a bit, did I need any money? No, I have my own. His F***G boss, laughed and said 'Wow, that's a change, shes got money' then laughed and DH laughed. I thought about tearing the boss a new one then my 'D'H, but went to the mall. Remember, this was our wedding anniversary. When he was finally ready, in the car. I calmly told him to listen to me and not speak at all until we reached home and I told him we were leaving him and why. I didn't get mad or emotional, just laid out his behavior the past few months, I understood his career aspirations, but we always said family first. If he'd changed his mind about that, it was ok, because WE were leaving him. WE - our DC and I - didn't want to live with the man he'd now become.
He was very quiet for a long time, then apologized. He vowed to change and he actually did. Career path stopped as he was no longer one of the boys at work and he quit 9 months later for a less heated work environment.
Every now and again some bloke will ask him how he's become so successful and you know what he says? Because of the woman I married, and he means it too.

I hope things work out for you OP - and anyone else going through this.
for you all.

You gave up your career and a lot of the things about yourself that would have made you driven and interesting and, well, respectable

There in lies the rub. I've relocated for my DH career over and over. I raised our children, one of whom has autism. I ran our home while he traveled for work, had business dinners, and worked long hours. The very things necessary for his success were only possible because of my sacrifices.

Men either figure this out and appreciate it, or they get married 5 times. Women can't fix it by taking on "being more interesting" as another item on their to do list.

My experience is very similar to coyote

I was ready to walk. My dh was so focused on his career. There was definitely some hubris going on, but worse than that we’d always made desicions together but he was blocking me out.

I’d supported his career and travelled the world with our dc and we communicated and made plans together until one day we stopped.

He began to know better. He wasn’t respecting who I was. His job became so much bigger.

My ducks were in a row, I was about to walk.

The thing about these men is, my dh needs me a lot more than I need him. My dh has always known that, he just didn’t realize I knew it.

Things are much different now. We are no 1 priority and I put that 2 year bullshit behaviour down to stupidly. Dh is quite embarrassed that he behaved like such a knob.

He’s also a lot more successful in his career with my coaching and support. (I am currently retracing myself do it’s not just about him)

How much does your dh want to stay married?
Are you prepared to walk op?

What did he lie about?

I would give couples counselling a go, and be clear with him that you will not remain married if he continues like this (as a PP suggests), and get legal and financial advice and prepare to end the relationship. Sounds like it will come to that.

I've been on the other side of this, i.e. worked with someone who became a thoroughgoing arsehole when he took over in the top position. Unfortunately it led to him making some bad judgments because he wouldn't listen to everyone else and the business collapsed; his legacy is a failed marriage and a large number of ex-colleagues who despise him.

Yes. Now divorced. Very unpleasant still is. I do wonder if the very successful people/men do need to be disturbed in someway to get to the top. Dont under estimate the competitive nature - mine totally viewed the divorce as a battle to be won. As I say seriously unpleasant.

I do second other Pp's - you have a bit of time to plan your new life with or without. Getting back to financial independence is very key. Also understanding what all the assets of the relationship are and all incomes/expenses. Do it now. It will save time later if you decide to go down a divorce route.

I suppose I seemed quite harsh there - sorry.

Perhaps approaching it from another angle: are there things that you do that YOU find admirable about yourself/worthy of particular respect? Above and beyond the basic childcare and housework. Perhaps relocating your sense of worth to what YOU think of yourself would lessen how important his opinion of you is. Or if you start doing things that are particularly admirable (for yourself), his respect will follow.

I do think it would be patronising/difficult to pretend that making spag bol was the equivalent of closing a big deal/working on a book/helping at a homeless charity. It might be hard for him to think about things that he respects about you if you're not doing anything particularly admirable. Perhaps you do far more than childcare and housework, in which case I am way off base.

Ffs window

Their is so much wrong with your mindset I don’t know where to begin.
You just don’t get it do you?
Are you a man?

I am frankly shocked to read this thread.

What do we mean by high flyers on here? Is it someone on 100K, 300K or 1 million plus x year? Or just someone at the top.of their profession?

Either way it must be a balance of power issue if it's so common? It sounds horrendous to be in that situation. What a bunch of ruthless men! You all have my sympathy, I would look to move swiftly on.

No “suppose” about it. Your first post was one of the cuntiest I have ever seen on MN and your second not much better.

Wtf window you’re not making it any better there. A husband and wife don’t respect each other because of their respective career achievements. Whatever made them fall in love and respect each other at the beginning of the relationship, before glittering careers or children, is still there, worthy of respect.

I still have a fucking brain, and interests outside of making fucking spaghetti bolognaise you condescending prat. Fgs, if I was required to respect and admire DH because of his career achievements I would be bored out of my mind.

See, if he had lost respect because she's no longer an interesting career woman, but is a 'boring' sham to their dc instead, then the shame is on him for overlooking his DWs investment in their family. Where do his priorities lie right now?

Doing childcare and housework is not admirable? The people that slog away at the chores that keep family life ticking over day in day out for no glory are admirable. Everyone wants to save the world, no one wants to wash the dishes.

helping at a homeless charity

so helping at a homeless charity is interesting and worthwhile, but feeding your own kids dinner and putting them to bed is not. OK.

(I actually do a lot of volunteer work because my kids are young adults, but it annoys me to no end that women who are the primary carers for children are told that all the unpaid work they do isn't enough, they need to do more of it for other people.)

www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/07/power-causes-brain-damage/528711/

Read this recently which seems to be a description of the H's and exH's on this thread!

TBH I'd tell him to leave that he has become a deeply unpleasant person and you no longer wish the DC to see you being treated like shit on his shoe

If the short sharp shock doesn't work then counselling won't either. He either does value you and will realise it or this farce will carry on until an affair happens IMHO.