Anyone else's dh got more insufferable the more successful they get at work?

[Fitbitironic]

Dh is in a quite well respected and high powered position at work. It means a lot of time away from us (dw+dc) and I knew that would potentially cause problems when he first started on that path, but he went ahead anyway.
He just seems to get more arrogant, self importance and dismissive every year. He gets promoted regularly and has many ppl working under him, so don't think he gets disagreed with often. He's never wrong, and it's like ww3 if I ever try to get him to see when he is wrong about anything (factual, not just my opinion). Tbh, I often feel like he just does his own thing and keeps me around as an unpaid PA/maid etc. Less respected than the women on his level at work. Who are infinitely more interesting, well presented and impressive all round. (I'm a sahm who used to have a good career... )
He didn't use to be like this. He actually used to buy flowers without prompting, be happy to take DC out himself, suggest things for us to do, and I could actually have a discussion without it turning into an argument. Now it really does feel like he thinks he's better and knows better than me (and my parents and siblings)! Needless to say, his parents think the sun shines out of his backside, as they don't get the same treatment and are forever singing his praises. When he speaks to them he mentions things he does for the family, but not anything I do, it's obv they think I'm a loser in comparison from what they say.
I've previously told him I'm proud of him, but don't feel the same anymore because of the effects it's having on us. Anyone else have/had this? Is there any way back from it?

Maybe you're just not suited?

Ideologically, it sounds like he'd be more interested in another go-getter, and you'd be more interested in a less ambitious, familiy oriented homebody. That's nobody's fault (not even his!). You just admire/respect different attributes.

Perhaps you'd be happier looking for different partners?

window you sound like a right twat. Also he can't "go and get" without someone supporting that sort of lifestyle at home.

In fact you sound like a 20 something starry-eyed PA who thinks sleeping with a married man who claims his wife doesn't understand him makes her a "career-oriented" and "interesting" woman.

Xh started acting an arse the moment he started being publicly acknowledged for his work. It was the same time that I was struggling with a small baby and attempting to make life comfortable for him and take away stress at home. After all we’d always been a team and I continued to act as a team player.

And then the affair started and his behaviour degenerated significantly.

When I look back and think about it, the strongest analogy is that of a boiling frog - little by little he became worse but I still thought I saw the good in him, and the old him until it had gone completely.

I see the way he is behaving now with dd and with his new girlfriend and I don’t think there has been any shift in his behaviour. In the meantime I have recovered my old self plus some more and finding life as a single parent much easier than living with the ego that he had become.

I only wish I had recognised his behaviour when it first started and nipped it in the bud then - although I think the seeds of the man he has morphed into were always there and so it may not have made a difference.

One thing I will say though is that I felt very powerless for a long time, and that by getting your ducks in a row you can start finding the confidence to consider alternatives and take away the feelings of being trapped.

Yeah right window, we've been completely unsuited for 20 years and never noticed it. Still, ppl do grow apart, so once I've finished raising his children to independence for him, I'll give the house one last clean and make way for the younger, more ambitious model. Who's not worn out wasting her best years on facilitating his career to the heady heights it is now.
How do you know I'm not ambitious? Fucking difficult to fit it in with everything else going on right now. Fuck off. Thx.

"Also he can't "go and get" without someone supporting that sort of lifestyle at home."

Exactly. Nail, meet head.

Nail meet head? That was supposed to say "Hits the nail on the head"!

Window I think you’re missing the point. Some men don’t turn into arrogant shits when they get a pay rise or promotion. Some do. You can be a high flyer without being a wanker.

Mine earns half what I do, and still his personality changed when he became management and he tried talking down to me. He had this ridiculous tucking his thumb into his waist band and rocking back and forth on his toes mannerism that reminded me of dads army while he regaled me with cringeworthy tales of how he had dressed someone down at work.

Interestingly, in common with many posters on the thread, it took a genuine desire and statement of departure on my behalf for him to wake up and realise what a twat he was being.
I still have to snap ‘your not MY boss, don’t talk to ME like that’ at him occasionally.

windowSong your contribution to this thread is priceless. I think you should probably fuck off though.

OP - I have a dh who set foot along this path. We had a chat about three weeks after his last promotion that I could bear his smug, arrogant entitlement at all. It wasn't really aimed at me but the wider world - people he considered to be in "small" jobs. He's much better now, but he's totally invested in making our marriage work, he values me and my contribution and what that means for us as a family. I think he'd quit work instantly if I made him choose (not that I would want it to get that far)

From what you've said, I don't think you can save your marriage alone. And I don't think he really values it so he's not willing to do the leg work. I think you need to walk away and see what he makes of it... Although I suspect you'll be so much happier you won't want him back even if he does sort himself out. Sorry

My ex was like this too.

I worked every weekend for years so he could work through the ranks, go on the necessary residential courses, have a social life etc.

I used to think I was to blame for everything as he had a way of turning things back on me, I had counseling to try and fix myself a few years ago, then I realized I wasn’t the one with the lack of respect and lack of communication. I wasn’t perfect but I was prepared to see my own faults too.

Then we had couples counseling which was awful as everything was turned back on me, and I had to have more counseling after.

Then earlier this year he said we should separate, I was worried about the money but because I’m classed as a carer for my son I’m fortunate I can manage.

It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, yes it’s incredibly hard sometimes but I’m happier, my ex almost broke me.

He barely sees the kids and would rather go to the gym than spend time with them.

If you do go to couples counseling just be aware and stop it if you need too, he’s got to show he’s willing to look at himself and the counselor doesn’t always see through them either.

My DH too started down this road at a very unfortunate time for me, when i was pregnant with dc 3 & then on mat leave with baby, toddler & teenager going through gcses. His boss decided dh would succeed him and it meant travelling abroad for a week out of every month of ds's 1st year and long hours when he was at home.

2 things outside of my control had a huge impact on changing it; 1st was dh realised his boss was a bullshitter and a seedy, shady person. 2nd was the breakdown of bil's marriage, in which his parents played a large part imo.

DH's brother looks to be heading down the same road with family no 2 now. New SIL is great and calls him out every single time, PILs can't stand her as a result, but have learnt enough of a lesson to keep schtum. BIL has not learnt to stop running to them with his tales of woe, despite acknowledging the shit that ex sil put up with from them.
for you. Get some of your own family and friends onside, particularly when your PIL are around, to ask you about yourself and your feeling on whatever latest arse illumination they are discussing.

Zaphod - of course people can go and get without a wife at home! Both me and my husband go and get - we simply pay a nursery and cleaner. Her husband's career would be just fine if OP had her own too. They'd just hire help.

OP, if you're ambitious, then be ambitious! That's great! Lots and lots and lots and lots of couples have two working parents. If you chose to be a SAHM, well yes, I would say you may not be the most ambitious person. Because otherwise you would simply have kept working. Nothing at all wrong with not being ambitious, but you can hardly claim to be ambitious when you are not pursuing your ambitions (perhaps you are though? You may be very active outside the home?).

If you're stuck in a situation you don't like, then change it (easier said than done, I know!). But I wouldn't really blame your husband for the fact that you're fundamentally unsuited. He can't pretend to share your ideology any more than you should try to share his. Surely you'd be happier with someone less ambitious, no?

Kaplan, that's a good point that I hadn't thought of. Perhaps some people get very arrogant even if their wife is also successful! Wouldn't know what to do in that situation.

OP: * Who's not worn out wasting her best years on facilitating his career to the heady heights it is now.*

That's really sad. Why did you do that? I'm sorry that that's your situation. Do you feel that it's his fault that you made those choices? Do you think there's still time for you to retrieve the situation so that your life isn't about facilitating his?

This thread keeps making me think of this .

First two lines:
You're getting way too big for your boots
You're never too big for the boot

window you seem to fundamentally believe that OP doesn’t deserve respect from her DH. This is not a helpful starting point for the OP, so might I respectfully suggest that you sod right off.

From listening to what you're all saying, it sounds like I'm being hurtful. This certainly wasn't my intention! OP, I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings. I'll withdraw from the thread, rather than risk causing any more offence.

OP, good luck! Whether that means getting your husband to change or you changing your own life!

I think the problem is window that you don't value looking after children and don't place any worth in it. You're not unusual in feeling like that, that's really the problem. If the op worked as a nanny for a very wealthy family & was paid £80k as she did everything for them, I suspect you might respect that?

You're probably right, Banana. So I'll go and have a bit of a think about why that is. I value career and success very highly - particularly women's careers and success - so I'll do a bit of evaluation about how that can impact on SAHM's.

I'm with window song. Everyone is attracted to different attributes and for some, it is ambition, independence, and it has to be said, an attraction to the chase, ie. feeling that things are not handed to them on a plate.

At the moment, it sounds like that's what it is for him OP. You're giving him everything, which he selfishly take for granted, but what would really get him interested in you again would be if he felt that he could lose you to someone better than him.

Would you actually like to get back into your career? It's a bit confusing whether you are choosing to be a sahm because you enjoy it and prefer this to going back to your career, or whether you do so because you feel you have no option but to do so to make your OH life easier. If the latter, then it is time to be selfish and do things for yourself. I bet if you do, he'll start looking at you differently again.

I think what you’re both missing is that it isn’t thread isn’t about the OP turning into a dowdy housewife, it’s about her DH turning into an insufferable arse at the first whiff of power. I recommend the article a pp posted earlier on the psychological effects of power, it was very interesting.

I do get why you feel that, window and i want that for my dd, but we are missing a step in valuing women if we continue to disregard the hard and essential graft that been (and still is) done by women. I really believe that sah mums, daughters, grand daughters, daughters in law (and their rarer male counterparts) working as carers for their own children or other family members should be paid a decent salary by the state. I think this is too radical an idea even for mn though. It's easy to denigrate some when they are not being valued financially.

And op's dh has become an over inflated arse who will be deflated rather quickly at some point in his life.

If you chose to be a SAHM, well yes, I would say you may not be the most ambitious person. Because otherwise you would simply have kept working.
With all due respect window, no I wouldn't. My career entailed long and inflexible hours - evening and weekend work on top of the daily grind, keeping up to date professionally, and dh was working abroad for up to 9 months at a time from before the DC were even born. No family on my side close enough to help, PIL occasional weekend help a couple of days a month. Not enough money to hire a nanny or whatever.
So when I say I gave up my career for the family, there was a damn good reason. I sometimes do a tiny bit of consultancy type work, but not enough to live or build a career off.

If you are looking for a way back into your career, OP, I can put your mind at rest that it's not that hard to do with kids. I work most evenings - the kids are in bed by 7.30, so I have 2-3 hours every eve to work. I promise, it's very doable!

However, if you're not looking to get back to work, but rather to feel better about yourself for giving up your career, then that's the wrong thing to say. I think lots of other people here are very supportive of that particular line, though.

The old MN chestnut of "I couldn't possibly have kept working" comes up again and again. Loads of people keep working when they have kids, and nearly everyone works evenings/weekends (that's pretty common in the workplace!). It's very doable. If you want to get back to your career, go for it! Ask yourself whether you're making excuses/hiding behing obstacles because you're scared? This is meant in a supportive way - you can do it!

Nursery is expensive, definitely! Around £1,000 full time for one child under 3, around £600 for a child over 3. I had assumed you were earning more than £1,600 a month as you had said you were quite successful. Sorry about my presumption. I hadn't understood that you made less money than full time childcare would cost, that was insensitive of me.