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30 days no contact - Thread no 2

(1000 Posts)
Mumanddadtoone Sat 07-Oct-17 11:16:48

As the last thread is almost full, thought I'd start a new one.

This is for all of us who are trying to do at least 30 days without contact with an ex.
So whatever your reasons for instigating no contact please feel free to join in and we can all support each other.

Aminuts23 Sat 07-Oct-17 11:19:59

Hey well done mumanddad! Definitely a good idea

Aminuts23 Sat 07-Oct-17 11:38:01

I’m still struggling today. Friday nights and Saturday afternoons were ‘our’ time. I’m ok most of the time but struggle with this end of the week. Normally I’d be just in from his house and getting ready to meet him later. I’m trying not to think about it but I miss him/it. This is the 3rd weekend apart now. I’m tired, I’m lonely, I’m sad. This is day 11 of NC and even though it’s right and he treat me badly at the end I miss him, or who I thought he was anyway. I’m sick of putting on a happy face. I feel like I bore my friends to death. My dad asked me yesterday if I was meeting ex last night, I don’t know why he asked that as I told him last week it was over. He kept asking me if I was ok and I was snappy with him which isn’t like me. My friends call my ex a shit and they’re right but then again they didn’t know him like I did (until he cruelly dumped me) and I find myself defending him sometimes. I’m just so sad inside and I hate it. I just want to be me again, normal and happy

witheringlook Sat 07-Oct-17 12:04:09

Oh Ami it's so tough isn't it? Well done on getting through last night though. I know what you mean about just wanting to feel normal again. I just want to erase him from my mind. Instead I'm up and down and obsessing about him and his new gf and how easily I've been replaced. What you said about missing my him, or at least who you thought he was, really resonates.

I read something yesterday about 'needing to achieve an unemotional response to his existence.' That is what I need, I just don't know how to get there. I try to focus on how badly he has treated me to try and stop caring for and about him, but it's not working.

Aminuts23 Sat 07-Oct-17 12:09:56

Withering I can’t do it either. Thinking about him (which I’m doing constantly), is evoking all manner of emotions, sadness, anger, loneliness, despair, wondering how he is even? I still care about him. I don’t think he has another woman but I can’t think about that as it takes my breath away. His excuse for ending things (one of anyway) was that he didn’t want a relationship with anyone even though I’m ‘awesome’. I feel hungover and crap today

Aminuts23 Sat 07-Oct-17 12:13:26

Withering it must be absolutely awful that he has a new GF. What a punch in the guts. I don’t know how I’d cope with that at all. My ex would normally be out running to my village now and I’d meet him at the end. Arghhh just fuck!!!!!

witheringlook Sat 07-Oct-17 12:22:00

Well that there was a connection forming with someone else (who lives in his city and is at the same life stage) was one of the several reasons put forward for ending it, but then downplayed. Plus I can see he's been out overnight several times this week so ...

This is the man who a week and a half ago was saying he was so happy we were each other's, that I was perfect for him, that he loved me. Oh and even when we broke up that he still loved me, will miss me, will find this so hard, but he just can't make it work anymore ... it's like flipping a switch for some people, isn't it?

Aminuts23 Sat 07-Oct-17 12:26:25

Totally. My ex was holding hands, kissing etc on our holiday. Just prior to that ‘life was getting better every day’, on a night out with his best friends the week before he was overly affectionate which was not like him really. It’s just shit. I feel like if been duped. I supported him through thick and thin with everything. I feel used. My anger is returning today, mixed with complete devastation really. I’m dreading weekends now. I want to drink myself into oblivion and make it all go away but that won’t help either

witheringlook Sat 07-Oct-17 12:36:18

Why do they do this to us? If it was fizzling out I'd understand more. Like you say it's that feeling of being duped, that all of this stuff was going on in their head whilst we're obliviously going about our lives supporting them and loving them. Total users.

witheringlook Sat 07-Oct-17 12:37:53

I'm trying to resist the drinking, but I love falling asleep and just not having to think about it anymore. Then that moment where you wake up and you have a few seconds before you remember that it's all gone to shit. We're not bad people, we don't deserve this xxx

Aminuts23 Sat 07-Oct-17 12:44:26

It’s the dishonesty that I struggle to cope with. I get myself into knots thinking about when his feelings actually changed because I can’t pinpoint it. When I left my abusive ex I was honest with him. I actively withheld affection because I couldn’t do it to him. I go over and over in my head ‘why would he...’ (hold hands, kissing, suggest another holiday whilst we were away!!!!!!) all the time KNOWING that it was over. I don’t understand any of it. I want an honest conversation with him but I won’t get that opportunity and to be honest I think I’d get so angry it would be undignified. I feel stupid and pathetic. I know this isn’t my fault but I feel like it is. I don’t want to speak to him but I do! Sorry I’m venting today but better here than at him I suppose. Why can’t they just be honest?? I’d have so much more respect and a shred of dignity left

Mumanddadtoone Sat 07-Oct-17 13:00:07

I'm not even a drinker and feel like having a drink, will try not to though because I will definitely contact him if I do. I'm worried that I'm not dealing with it because I feel ok but I can't eat at all, this is day 4 of barely eating anything (I'm over a stone overweight so not wasting away), I hope I'm not burying my feelings because when they surface it will be so hard. Dsis called earlier and asked if I'd heard anything and it took all my willpower not to ask if she knew anything (ex very good friends with her dp), I've told her not to tell me anything. She will probably see him next week at a party so I've just said that if he talks to you just tell him I'm disgusted with his treatment of me and I don't want anything to do with him, he can go through her for access to ds. I don't want her to make a scene and I don't want him to know how much he's affected me (it will only boost his ego).
I think of him as a sort of succubus, he's sucked everything he could from me and when he drained me he moved on. I'm such an idiot for allowing him back in the first place, I should know better at my age.
He actually admitted he'd stayed at ow house a month or so ago (but nothing happened, just wanted to see dd - yeah right!). He'd been telling me how happy he was he got me back and he wouldn't do anything to jeopardise us, then after he'd stayed there he started being awkward to me to make me end things, he's such a coward.

withering it's exactly like being duped, they pretend to be one thing but are actually something else. How long have you managed to go without contact so far? Please try not to look st social media, it only causes you pain. It's only when we distance ourselves completely that we start healing. Also, if he's in a new relationship I doubt it will last, they rarely do, once the excitement dies down.

Ami was it you who posted the pic on the previous thread about how men and women deal with breakups? It is so accurate.

LizaJane85 Sat 07-Oct-17 13:01:54

Thanks for starting this thread again! My stbxh told me not two nights before he ended it how much he loved me and he was sorry about how stressed he was lately. That’s what makes things so hard to understand. But my dd and I will be just fine! I keep consoling myself with the fact that it’s his loss sad

Mumanddadtoone Sat 07-Oct-17 13:06:43

Ami I think the reason they can't be honest is because they are cowards, much easier to rewrite history and make out you got it wrong.
Have you read any of the stuff on Baggage Reclaim? I've found it really helpful

Aminuts23 Sat 07-Oct-17 13:07:44

This picture yes! Liza it’s awful isn’t it. How they change overnight. Mumanddad I get it. My friend told me the other day she’d seen ex. I wanted to ask how he was, did he ask after me etc but then I didn’t really want to know. I’m hurting today! I also think he’s actively avoiding FB. He normally spouts loads on there but he’s gone silent. His last post was the self pitying late night one that he took off the next morning. I hope he’s struggling, he bloody deserves it

Aminuts23 Sat 07-Oct-17 13:08:10

No I haven’t. Will take a look x

Mumanddadtoone Sat 07-Oct-17 13:10:35

It definitely IS his loss Liza, and the thing is, once you do properly get over him, he won't be able to handle it. Concentrate on you and your dd, is there anyone who could facilitate hand overs for you regarding dd so you don't have to see him?

witheringlook Sat 07-Oct-17 13:48:09

I've been reading baggage reclaim and he's definitely my Mr Unavailable* Mum*!

You know, this will sound awful, but I am a bit envious of those of you who are struggling not to reply when they contact you. For all his fine words about how hard this is for him, I think what he really wants is for me to quietly fade away so he can move on guilt free. I'd love for him to be messaging me because it would suggest that he still cares. It's gone silent now. I'm trying to be dignified and not make contact, but I feel like that's giving him what he wants, a guilt free break up without having to deal with my messy, inconvenient emotions.

Aminuts23 Sat 07-Oct-17 14:09:08

Withering mine isn’t contacting me either. I’m not struggling not to reply because there’s nothing to reply to. His FB post the other night suggested he was struggling with being ignored but he has since removed it. I totally get you, I want him to message me because that would suggest he at least gives a shit. But then I know I’d fail at the NC. Double edged sword. I want him to message me to apologise, tell me he’s made a mistake, he wants me back etc... but only because I would then get the opportunity to hurt him right back. It sounds childish and petty and I’m not like that IRL at all. I guess you know how I feel x

witheringlook Sat 07-Oct-17 14:20:16

I question why I'm doing no contact. I know it's in part because I'm pathetic enough to hope that it makes him miss me, but I know it won't. I want to hate him and harness my anger to get me through this, but I can't. I just want him to realise what he's lost and to not feel so completely used and powerless.

Aminuts23 Sat 07-Oct-17 14:26:10

That is partly why I’m doing NC too but also remember if you are in touch with him it will just hurt you more. You and me both feel used and powerless BUT by going NC you are taking some of your power back. Slowly we will get better. There will come a day I’m sure when they will realise what they lost. That day may not be today, it may not be for ages. But when that day comes we will have moved on and we will be fabulous again. Don’t contact him, he’ll get right back into your head. He isn’t going to say what you (we) want him to say and that will hurt you all over again.

LizaJane85 Sat 07-Oct-17 14:52:34

Well said ami! By the time they realise what they’ve lost we will be so over them we will almost find them pathetic! And mumandadtoone, there is no one I can ask, basically because of logistics. I wish I could ask someone. But I literally see him for 2 minutes then I’m gone smile

Mumanddadtoone Sat 07-Oct-17 16:52:59

I understand totally what you mean about wanting something to ignore. The first time I went no contact with him, I didn't block him for a month or so and he never tried to contact me at all (and we had a son together), too busy with the ow at the time. I think hes only trying to contact me now so he doesn't look like a bad person because several people called him out publicly last time and he won't want that again, its not because he gives a shit about me, he just wants me to say I believe his lies so others don't see how badly he's treated me. That's what's stopping me unblocking him. He actually said to me a few days ago that he didn't lie to me, he deceived me - wtf? Isnt that the same thing! I won't stop him seeing ds but whilst he's out drinking every night and god knows what else I won't have him taking ds out so he can see him at my sisters. Also ow has made it clear in the past she doesn't like ds (never met him) and did everything she could to stop him seeing ds.
Liza well done to even manage a couple of minutes in his company, I don't know what I'd do if I had to see him.

Aminuts23 Sat 07-Oct-17 17:08:23

It’s all about image isn’t it? Pathetic. Don’t want to make themselves look bad, when bad is exactly what they are. I’m starting to think that I totally flummoxed my ex. I didn’t want to live with him, have children etc so all the usual lines he would use to dump women wouldn’t work on me. I wasn’t clingy, needy. I didn’t ever need to be in a relationship. I told him that from day 1. I also told him that if he ever wanted to end things to talk to me as I hate games. Maybe he panicked because his usual ‘lines’ wouldn’t work. Maybe that’s the reason he made an absolute dogs dinner of ending things and blew any chance of friendship out of the water. My horrible abusive longer term ex once told me that he’d strung a girl along once because they had a holiday booked and he didn’t want to lose his money. I thought at the time that was rubbish and nobody would be so callous. When I left him we had a holiday booked but I never bloody went on it. Just wrong. Yet now I’ve had it done to me. What an utter cock. Can’t believe I’ve been so gullible

Aminuts23 Sat 07-Oct-17 17:11:16

Ex also told me he’d ended things with his last GF because he knew ‘she wasn’t happy’. How bloody dare he assume to know how she felt. She was devastated apparently. Poor woman. He’d actually moved her in and introduced her to his DC too. She’d moved towns to be with him. What a manipulative twat he is

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