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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

30 days no contact - Thread no 2

999 replies

Mumanddadtoone · 07/10/2017 11:16

As the last thread is almost full, thought I'd start a new one.

This is for all of us who are trying to do at least 30 days without contact with an ex.
So whatever your reasons for instigating no contact please feel free to join in and we can all support each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumanddadtoone · 08/10/2017 20:45

It DOES get easier, and it happens quicker when you don't have any contact. You'll be up and down for a while but slowly the ups start outweighing the downs.

OP posts:
Autumnskiesarelovely · 08/10/2017 22:51

I’d recommend a weekend away everyone!

I feel so much better. I’m just with friends and family, catching up, not doing anything special, however it’s freed me up from thinking about him all the time.

I find myself not wanting to talk about my relationship either, I’m sick of his cycle of breaking up with me and his lack of commitment, even though we are living together (years!) and have a child. I feel much less angry now. Day 30 and I’ll carry on.

It’s not strict NC because I do reply to questions in messages, and short conversations about the kids, but I don’t initiate anything anymore. That feels good and I don’t even care if he contacts me.

Two weeks ago I was really angry, and wondering what he was doing, really cross with him for not wanting our relationship. Now I’m ready to move on.

Aminuts23 · 09/10/2017 00:47

Broken I’m day 12 and actually I feel better. Truly! Yours might take longer. We were only a year and were not living together. I’ve been out with family and then later met some friends. Tonight is the first time I haven’t been checking my phone, hoping for a message. Tonight I think is the first time I’m glad I don’t have any messages. I feel very positive right now (and I’ve had wine). I don’t feel tempted to check whether he’s been on FB or not because I actually don’t care. I could block him right now but a part of me makes me think that he will take that as me being devastated still when I’m actually not (tonight anyway). I like my life. I have good friends who I value massively and who are always there. Autumn you are dead right, surrounding yourself with people that love you and who have no agenda is absolutely the right thing to do. I’m recovering now. Broken keep posting, I know how you feel you might be inconveniencing friends/family who want you to just get over it. This thread is an absolute godsend. You’re all lovely and brave Flowers

BrokenStrings · 09/10/2017 12:47

Hi everyone, just at work, wishing you all strength.

I have had 3/4 breakdowns today so far but thankfully work are understanding.

I am slowly accepting that the way he treated me towards the end was awful and why would I want to be with someone capable of that.

Aminuts23 · 09/10/2017 13:06

That's the way to do it Broken. Focus on things that make you pissed off with him. It does make it easier, and stay away from messaging him. Glad your work are understanding. Try to find different things to do in the evening such as seeing friends, or luxury bath and early night, walking your dog. If you're like me you might struggle to sleep for a week or two but that also gets better.

Original poster
Mumanddadtoone · 09/10/2017 13:07

Broken, I'm glad your work colleagues are being so understanding. I think the more you talk to people the more you'll see him for the coward he is.
Hope everyone is having a good day.

OP posts:
Strugglinglately · 09/10/2017 13:58

I went 24 hours with no contact and ended up caving in to answering his call. It didn't achieve much so I've started all over again.

LizaJane85 · 09/10/2017 14:27

I’ve gone 24 hours! My worst time is on my days off when dd naps and her bedtime, so I’ve taken to putting my phone on charge in the room she is sleeping in (which is mine too while we are at my sisters) then I don’t want to check it cos I’d be afraid of waking dd. Got my ironing done today! Which I’ve left for 2 weeks. Proud of myself for making it through her nap time! Back at work tomorrow and we aren’t allowed our phones out but do have to see him in the morning to drop off car seat etc cos he can’t be bothered to get his own. Want to make a thing of the fact that he should get his own or he can’t have dd but I don’t want to use her in all this. Still finding things difficult but feel like I’m making progress Smile

Original poster
Mumanddadtoone · 09/10/2017 15:05

Liza, of course he should get another seat for her. Well done on getting through 24 hours.

Struggling at least you didn't instigate contact but I know it makes us feel worse when we've had to speak to them at all.

I'm on day 3/4 now, I spoke to him briefly Friday morning and blocked him after that. He's still not made contact with my dsis regarding access to our ds, I'm sure he thinks I'm just in a mood and we can be friends - deluded comes to mind!

OP posts:
BrokenStrings · 09/10/2017 16:21

It must be so much harder to continue no contact if they are contacting you! I suppose that is why blocking is recommended.

Not looking forward to the evening.
My puppy goes to doggy day care while I'm working so he won't even need a walk tonight, he'll be knackered!

Original poster
Mumanddadtoone · 09/10/2017 16:57

Getting a bit worked up here. Just been told someone saw him going into ow's work this afternoon. I want to phone him, I want to tell him what a lying cheating scumbag he is. I won't though because I'll feel even worse afterwards. He's got time to go to her work but can't make a call to arrange to see ds, god I could punch him!

OP posts:
LizaJane85 · 09/10/2017 17:09

Gosh mum and dad,how awful for him to do that! Often texting them makes us feel worse as we don’t get the response we want!
I get a text a day from stbxh regarding our dd but he has her tomorrow night so hopefully I won’t get anything tomorrow after I’ve seen him.

BrokenStrings · 09/10/2017 17:10

Mum, maybe give yourself 5 minutes of time to type/write a message to him, get everything off your chest and then send it to yourself/throw it in the bin? Then when the time is up have a small treat (chocolate bar, snuggles with your ds)

Original poster
Mumanddadtoone · 09/10/2017 17:16

Thank you both, I've just done that, text myself, no way I'm stroking his ego by sending it to him, I know he'll be in contact eventually (with dsis), wouldn't surprise me if he waited till Friday when he'll see her at a party.
Just a wobble, I'll be fine, going to get on with some work once I've got ds to bed, I've let it slide a bit this last few days.

OP posts:
LizaJane85 · 09/10/2017 17:40

I hate the wobbles! Really wish they didn’t happen. Hopefully before long they get less frequent ConfusedConfused

BrokenStrings · 09/10/2017 18:15

Struggling at the moment as well. I just miss him so much. It hurts.

Aminuts23 · 09/10/2017 18:26

Mumanddad well done for not contacting him. The wobbles are awful aren’t they? I’ve let alsorts go in the last 3 weeks. My house was a mess, no fresh food in, washing/ironing not done, drinking too much. I’ve actually over the weekend got all of this sorted out so I’m feeling a bit more human. Was going to restart the gym tomorrow night but now I’m taking my nephew out. On the plus side I bumped into a friend today and managed to tell her we had split without feeling shit. She also said I was looking trim (side effect of no appetite I suppose). Struggling don’t beat yourself up. Just start again. Mine doesn’t ring/text me so it’s much easier for me x

LizaJane85 · 09/10/2017 18:45

I let the ironing go for 2 weeks! With a 2 year old that is just insane! Got it all done today though and it occupied me enough not to check my phone for a while. Xx

Aminuts23 · 09/10/2017 18:51

Liza I did mine at the weekend. It included all the holiday clothes. I’d been putting it off for weeks. Isn’t it the small things that feel like an achievement? They’re all packed away now. Hopefully much better holidays lie ahead

BrokenStrings · 09/10/2017 20:55

I have caved and emailed him and texted him (from my mums phone!) I really can't do this.

witheringlook · 09/10/2017 20:56

Good to hear that at least some of us are having a good day. It gives me hope :)
Having a major 'why doesn't he love me anymore' moment, but staying strong and nc.

witheringlook · 09/10/2017 20:57

It's ok Broken, we've all been there xxx

Aminuts23 · 09/10/2017 21:00

Withering I was thinking like that earlier but it didn’t last long fortunately. I wonder what it was specifically that caused his feelings to change. I’ll never know I suppose.

Broken never mind. I’m sad for you though, you sound as if you’re really struggling. It’s very raw and you want answers and to vent. He will either ignore you or spout some bull to make himself feel better. Try again tomorrow x

BrokenStrings · 09/10/2017 21:05

I don't want to bring everyone down but I really don't know what to do... I love him and I miss him so much. I cant cope. What do I do?
I have never been heartbroken before. I can't breathe. He's all I want and the only person who can make anything okay again.

Aminuts23 · 09/10/2017 21:10

You’re not bringing anyone down. When you feel like messaging him post here. It seems hard to believe right now but it will get easier. You’re in for a really rough few days. Lean on your family and friends and let them take care of you. They want to x