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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

30 days no contact - Thread no 2

999 replies

Mumanddadtoone · 07/10/2017 11:16

As the last thread is almost full, thought I'd start a new one.

This is for all of us who are trying to do at least 30 days without contact with an ex.
So whatever your reasons for instigating no contact please feel free to join in and we can all support each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumanddadtoone · 09/10/2017 22:03

Broken, its no wonder you feel as you do if he was your first love. Don't worry about phoning or texting, like Ami said, we've all done it.

Should have heard me before I blocked him, I sounded like a crazy woman!

You'll be up and down for a while, but, believe me, it DOES get easier.

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MollyWantsACracker · 10/10/2017 01:04

Broken, you will come through this. I know it feels like crawling over broken glass right now. But it really will get better.

MollyWantsACracker · 10/10/2017 01:11

I say that from the memory of my first big break up. I thought I would die from the pain of it. I really did.

But I didn't. And I went on to have lovely and happy times again.
Yes I am here and much older and heartsick again
BUT I know I will recover. Help yourself best you can xx

user1493423934 · 10/10/2017 05:38

oh Broken I hear ya ! feeling the same. Sounds like you're doing really well. But, Molly advice is spot on. (Thanks Molly!)

Original poster
Mumanddadtoone · 10/10/2017 10:01

Good morning everyone, hope you are all doing ok today.

I'm still waiting for my appetite to come back, hardly eaten anything since last Tuesday, but every time I put something in my mouth I struggle to actually swallow it, anyone else feel like this?

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witheringlook · 10/10/2017 10:40

Good morning. My appetite is still rubbish too Mum. I hope everyone is doing ok, especially you Broken.
I'm really struggling today. I think 12 days in reality has really hit me. He doesn't want me and he's moved on. All my hopes for us in ruins. I'm so trying to be all 'his loss' etc, but I just feel so sad. I hate the thought of him going out having fun and forgetting about me whilst I just feel so frozen and forgotten.

LizaJane85 · 10/10/2017 10:53

Morning everyone!! I failed again Sad I just can’t help it! I saw something on his fb and I went mad! Please tell me this gets easier, I need to get some willpower to stay away from social media!!!

Aminuts23 · 10/10/2017 11:11

Withering / Liza - I am also struggling today. I have just seen a mutual friend in the street who said 'I saw your chap the other day out with his mum, he was telling me what a fantastic holiday you had!!' WHAT!!! I was doing so well but now I think how bloody dare he be saying that and not admitting what he did whilst we were there. I feel like messaging him but I am going to busy myself with work. What a fucking cheek! I'm fuming. Must calm down...

Original poster
Mumanddadtoone · 10/10/2017 11:17

I was ok until I heard he'd been in ow's work yesterday, it really does help NOT to hear from him or about him. Told everyone not to tell me what he's doing or who he's doing it with.
Liza, that's why I've unfriended and blocked him on social media, I've also unfollowed but not unfriended all mutual friends just in case something pops up about him, it will only set me off again. It's got to be hard for you though as you still have to see him when you do hand overs, I'm really thankful I have someone to do that for me although he still hasn't contacted my dsis to arrange access to our ds.
Withering, I'm saying the same thing to myself, it doesn't always work though Smile.

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Original poster
Mumanddadtoone · 10/10/2017 11:24

Ami, bet that was hard to hear, hope you manage to maintain nc, you've done really well so far. He probably didn't want to admit what he'd done because then he would have to admit he was a twat, much better to avoid the truth.

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Aminuts23 · 10/10/2017 11:38

Mumanddad, that's exactly it, he's out pretending he's all 'all round top bloke' and failing to mention to anyone what an arsehole he is. I'm so thankful I don't have any ties to him any more. We are still friends on FB and we have several mutual friends. I don't want to unfriend them as I genuinely like them and I will see them other places and events. I have not contacted him and I will not, I shall avoid the wine. (None last night). Mumanddad I hope you are managing to eat something x

BrokenStrings · 10/10/2017 11:46

Hope everyone is going okay today.

Liza, can you 'hide' him so you don't have to see his posts? If so, you may be less likely to actively search him out and see what he's up too, especially when it hurts you more.

It's just the utter unfairness of it all... Do unjust. I hate the lack of autonomy over my own life.

Mum, sounds like a good idea to tell everyone you don't want to hear about him.

I'm feeling sick today. I haven't even managed to have my morning coffees! Have managed a glass of water. I will admit I have messaged him a few times today, whether he gets them or not I don't know. I told him that I miss him, that I'm hurting and I don't know how he could have dumped me over text when we live together! We had only lived together a few months. I still need to get my things. I have had no reply from him but I am waiting for a short, cruel text to tell me to get rid of my things in a few days.
It's not a good day but hopefully tomorrow will be better.

X

Aminuts23 · 10/10/2017 12:37

Hi Broken. Try to have something to eat. Keep trying not to message him any more. Can one of your parents make arrangements with him to collect your stuff?
I've just had another wobble. Was telling another mutual friend I was going to an event tonight, she says 'are you walking there from (ex's) house'. No actually we are not together any more ... Awkward silence. I wanted to rant at her that he's an absolute scumbag but she thinks he's a really nice bloke and they know each other professionally so I just didn't say any more. I wanted to tell her how bloody awful he is but also I wish to retain my dignity. The last thing I want is her seeing him and saying 'Ami is really angry with you, she told me ...' Dignified silence is the way I shall go. I'm absolutely livid today though

LizaJane85 · 10/10/2017 12:40

Thing is, I feel if I block him on social media he will go off on one because to him nothing wrong has been done. I guess our break up was kinda mutual. And also he goes on about how our dd will connect us forever. I’ve unfollowed him on fb so I have to stop actively searching him out. It just makes me miserable! Why do we do it? Why text them, look on their fb etc if in turn it makes you feel ten times worse! I’m determined to stop it, for my dds sake. I guess it’s hard when you were part of someone’s life for 8 years and now your not.
Thanks for everyone’s support. Let’s stay strong. FlowersFlowers

Original poster
Mumanddadtoone · 10/10/2017 12:54

Ami, that's tough, well done for not saying anything, doubt I'd have had the same self control. It's not surprising your livid, anyone would be, he's been callous, selfish and calculating, he had every opportunity to speak to you before you went away but he has chosen to lie and rewrite history.

Broken, as hard as it is, not contacting him will be easier to deal with than having him ignore you, he's a coward and doesn't want to face up to what he's done so is avoiding it altogether. Try and stay busy, talk to your friends and family or post on here.

I've found I start overthinking and go through all the "what ifs" when I'm on my own, I started thinking like that again this morning so called my mum, I felt better speaking to someone. I've also just downloaded 'Planet Heartbreak: Abandoned Wives tell their Stories'. Although my ex and I weren't married we were together over 20 years so some of the stories still resonate with me. I want to hear stories of women who've been in a similar position to me who've gone on to have fantastic lives.

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Original poster
Mumanddadtoone · 10/10/2017 12:57

Liza, you're still allowed to grieve, even if it was a mutual decision, don't worry about any upset it will cause him, you have to think about yourself and what's best for you.

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Aminuts23 · 10/10/2017 13:10

Liza I know exactly what you mean. I know I should block him but I was actually doing quite well at not looking. I still am I suppose. I don't want to look like some hysterical pining ex by blocking him. I'm trying to be the bigger person I suppose. What a twat he is!!!

LizaJane85 · 10/10/2017 13:19

I just read this amazing post about heartbreak and having to be a mum as well. It’s so difficult dealing with both. But one of the things the writer said was that heartbreak and a break up actually turns you into an ‘insane detective’ and social media is to blame!!
Thanks mum and ami, it’s nice to know I’m not alone 😊

witheringlook · 10/10/2017 13:57

Do you have the link for that Liza? It's sounds pretty interesting.
Does anyone else find their brain keeps self-sabotaging them? Like, I'll get myself to a point of being angry with him and feeling yes, I can run with this feeling, but then I'll start thinking about an anniversary that is coming up, or Christmas, or him being with someone else like he was with me, and then I'm right back to being sad and depressed again. It's like that whack-a-mole game, just as I think I've dealt with one set of feelings, another pops up!

Original poster
Mumanddadtoone · 10/10/2017 15:57

Withering, it's completely normal to feel like that, I do too. This will happen for a while yet unfortunately, but it will end at some point. I can't wait till I feel nothing at all, wish I could fast forward till then.

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Autumnskiesarelovely · 10/10/2017 15:59

Yes withering it is very up and down I find. A couple of times I really wanted to phone him, once I was so angry I think I just wanted to tell him how stupid he was being, and the next I had a kid vomiting all night, the other one demanding attention and mess everywhere, and I just wanted help. He texted to say ‘do you need me for anything?’

It was so hard to ignore it.

But we are buying time for ourselves. If at the end of a few weeks, we want to talk to them, we can. After we’ve got a bit of perspective.

Aminuts23 · 10/10/2017 16:54

Withering I get that too. I've been a lot better for a few days and today just that throwaway comment by a mutual friend has really cheesed me off! How dare he sit chatting to MY friend in a pub telling him what an AMAZING HOLIDAY we had! If I am to put this guy right I have to break the news we have split and if asked, explain why, without sounding like a demented bitter ex! Why didn't he just say something to save me the embarrassment. My friend referred to him as 'I saw your chap' so he clearly had not said anything. Utter cock! I'm taking my 10 year old nephew out in a few minutes so I must calm down, but it is an event near to ex's neck of the woods. I know i'll be looking around for him.

Protectingmydaughterfromfilth · 10/10/2017 18:13

Well, my DD's 'Dad' has disappeared again. Changed his number again. I now have no way of contacting him if I wanted to, besides good old Royal Mail. Can't believe I fell for his lies AGAIN!!!!

Original poster
Mumanddadtoone · 10/10/2017 19:17

Welcome protecting, I wouldn't beat yourself up for believing him, I did exactly the same, it just shows them up for who they are. How are you coping? Please feel free to post as much or as little as you like, nobody will judge you here.

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Aminuts23 · 10/10/2017 20:20

Protecting vent here! And welcome. Hope everyone is ok this evening x