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Use of prostitutes before relationship(192 Posts)
How would you feel about your DH telling you that he had used prostitutes on two separate occasions on holiday 10 years ago (before we met) when he was single?
So as not to drip feed, this was on holiday with one of his friends in Thailand.
He told me this some time ago but I really am struggling to deal with this still and keep bringing it up, which is obviously annoying him and impacting on our relationship.
I hate the idea of him thinking it is ok to rent a woman's body and not,caring about anything but getting himself off, regardless of whether the woman consented.
I know everyone has something in their past which is less than ideal and if he had expressed genuine remorse about his actions and acknowledged that he had taken part in an abusive and coercive industry I might have found it easier to move on.
However, he maintains that he hasn't really done anything wrong. Whist he says he isn't proud of what he did, he isn't ashamed. Apparently, he treated the two women well and I don't know anything about them - I can't say they didn't consent and weren't there through choice.
When I pointed out that most women don't choose to become sex workers if they have any other viable choices, he compared use of prostitutes to me buying a drink on holiday from a bar man. Both don't want to be there apparently!
His friend was also vile to one of the women and he just looked on.
Sorry for my ramblings.
Am I overthinking this?
It wouldn't bother me personally. Aslong as he wasn't using them while in a relationship with me, its in his past, we all have a past.
Actions speak louder than words. He looked on......
Would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid I couldn't commit my life with someone who considered a woman so little then she bought her body for an hour.
Yuk . Deal breaker for me I'm afraid . I couldn't be with someone who went with a prostitute . Single or otherwise I find it awful
I would be absolutely horrified. I don't give a fuck what anyone says, this says everything about his true character. And the prostitutes were in Thailand! A hotbed for forced prostitution of young girls who are powerless to free themselves. Did you know this before you married or after? If my husband told me this I would never be able to feel the same way about him again.
If my DH told me this before we married I wouldn't have married him.
If he told me this after we'd married I'd struggle to come to terms with this because of the above.
As for "looking on" while his friend was "vile" to another prostitute - WTF?? - like he stood by watching while the friend sexually abused her, beat her, hurt her? What exactly was the friend doing?
It sounds seedy.
However if you are married to him and you have kids and there are no other problems I might be able to overlook it.
I feel for you.
It's over the line for me, I'm afraid.
It would be even in a developed country but the fact that in a third worls country like that, they're so shit poor, exploited, have so few options etc. ... (and how does anyone who has a brain and uses it not realise that).
I think he thought saying his friend was horrible (how) to one was supposed to make him look good in comparison ("and I was even nice to them .. plenty of others are not).
His bar/barstaff comparison is pathetically ridiculous .. maybe they're prefer to be doing something else, but they're not entering into intimate, explicit acts with complete strangers, are they?
As I say I really feel for you cause you (presumably) found out after you married him (and he shows zero regret/remorse).
I would struggle with this too especially the fact that he thinks it is acceptable behaviour. The facts that he watch his friend be 'vile' is worry. What does this actually mean?
I wish it didn't bother me. I don't want to split up but it's affecting our relationship because I just can't move on from it. As I said, if he had acknowledged what he had done and said he was now a different person and would not dream of doing it now then I think I would be able to move on from this. However he says that he couldn't promise he wouldn't do,it again if single.
How can I get over this?
chrisrock I can't really give too much detail but the friend apparently was hitting one of the women in an intimate area with a foam stick. The friend also continued to have sex with another when she had told him he was hurting her due to his size.
(I should add explicit, intimate acts that involve being penetrated, risk of pregnancy (if female sex workers), a risk of std's etc. Yes that's really like selling someone a drink while wishing you could do something else, isn't it.
If he really believes that (as opposed to just refusing to say there could be anything wrong with what he did and arguing black is white with grasping at straws, shaky arguments as some people do) .. that's worrying in itself.
I couldnt get past the allowing his friend to be vile. Actually i couldnt get past the whole paying for sex. He uses his friends vile treatment of a woman and his good treatment to wash over the fact he paid to use a person for his own sexual gratification. Not good in my eyes.
He paid for sex.
He'd do it again if single.
He friend abused a woman and he did nothing to stop him.
If those things are deal-breakers for you then you can't marry him.
fWIW those things would probably be deal-breakers for most people.
I had a male friend years ago that went on holiday to Thailand.
We were chatting about his trip when he returned and he told me about visiting a prostitute. He didn't treat her particularly well - thought it was fine to tell me so.
I was repulsed and gave him a dressing down - I think my first response was "but she's a human being - how could you do that!".
The friendship was over. I couldn't be friends with a man who thought it was perfectly acceptable to do that.
I just honestly think that men who use prostitutes have some horrible attitudes to women - they might not be obvious on the surface - but underneath, it can't be good, can it? Either that, or they're just exceptionally thick and it doesn't occur to them to question it as an ethical thing to do.
The friend also continued to have sex with another when she had told him he was hurting her due to his size
So essentially your husband stood by and watched as his friend raped a sex worker.
Fucking disgusting, how can you even stand to be in the same room as him? Your husband is a vile disgusting creep.
chicrock he wasn't there when the friend was having sex. He was there though when the friend was hitting the woman with a foam pipe though.
Your instinct is absolutely right. That he sees nothing wrong with this is a massive red flag.
It's ok for women to be bought? But that's what blokes do isn't it? And that's why they go to Thailand, so that's ok?
It's not just about paying for consent, using women for their own pleasure, telling themselves this is all ok, 'boys will be boys', it's his whole attitude to women.
We really need to start sending the message that it really is not ok. I'd run to the hills personally.
He views it as something that has happened in a different phase of his life and has moved on into a relationships. He's not ruling it out if he were single again - is he saying prostitute in Thailand again or escot in a city in the UK? He's been honest. Plenty of guys would just lie based on what they think you want to hear.
What do you gain bringing it up all the time? What are you wanting him to do? Break down and weep over it? Get himself wound up so that he is shackled by it?
If it's a deal breaker for you then end it. If not, then drop it and stop using it as a stick to eat him with.
I couldn't forgive this. Your husband sounds vile.
Mmmm ok if my DH told me before me married I wouldn't of married him. If I found out now with to beautiful children and an complete bloody devotion to my husband. Well I'm not sure. I would HATE it, I would judge him severely on it. And tbh it would put me off him. But I think I would hopefully accept it's his past.
The no remorse though, that's not good.
Maisypops - I wouldn't imagine she wants him to do any of those things
I'd imagine she wants him to say he's realised it was shitty, and wouldn't do it again.
I don't think she's using it as a stick to beat him with - she just (understandably) can't get past it yet (understandably) is struggling to end her marriage over it.
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