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Original poster

Use of prostitutes before relationship

191 replies

Eralc3891 · 05/08/2017 19:14

How would you feel about your DH telling you that he had used prostitutes on two separate occasions on holiday 10 years ago (before we met) when he was single?

So as not to drip feed, this was on holiday with one of his friends in Thailand.

He told me this some time ago but I really am struggling to deal with this still and keep bringing it up, which is obviously annoying him and impacting on our relationship.

I hate the idea of him thinking it is ok to rent a woman's body and not,caring about anything but getting himself off, regardless of whether the woman consented.

I know everyone has something in their past which is less than ideal and if he had expressed genuine remorse about his actions and acknowledged that he had taken part in an abusive and coercive industry I might have found it easier to move on.

However, he maintains that he hasn't really done anything wrong. Whist he says he isn't proud of what he did, he isn't ashamed. Apparently, he treated the two women well Hmm and I don't know anything about them - I can't say they didn't consent and weren't there through choice.

When I pointed out that most women don't choose to become sex workers if they have any other viable choices, he compared use of prostitutes to me buying a drink on holiday from a bar man. Both don't want to be there apparently!

His friend was also vile to one of the women and he just looked on.

Sorry for my ramblings.

Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 07/08/2017 12:55

Op, does your H show remorse ever? I realised late in my marriage that ex rarely or ever shows remorse, it's a massive red flag and something that reveals his true character.

If you have a normal conscious it's challenging to even think that people without remorse or guilt exist, but they do.

This could be part of a bigger issue so take this as a trigger to see if he is capable of ever regretting his actions.If he isn't capable of remorse then I would definitely leave.

PricklyBall · 07/08/2017 12:56

OP - I'd be totally gutted by this revelation, as you are. I honestly don't see how men can do this to women without seeing women as subhuman, as less of a person than they are. Add to that the fact that he stood by and watched while his friend raped a prostitute - bleurgh.

You say you have no children together - I'd say "get out now".

Note that it's not true that "all men are like this". Even in countries where prostitution is fully legalised (Germany, with its mega brothels, and billboard hoardings, for e.g.), less than half of men use prositutes. Bin this guy and find a decent man.

Holz657 · 07/08/2017 12:56

I would look at it as he was honest with you.

TheSparrowhawk · 07/08/2017 13:06

Davey, why don't you and your fellow punters save some money and just give each other blow jobs/use each others' arseholes?

Trills · 07/08/2017 13:06

I would not want to be with someone who thought that women could be bought.

I agree that it's an indication of his character.

I could perhaps understand doing it once, under pressure, and regretting it.

But he did it more than once and still doesn't think that it was wrong.

So, that's how he thinks. That's who he is.

Notmyrealname85 · 07/08/2017 13:22

OP - your partner has tested the boundaries of what he thinks another person is worth. He'll do the same to you - if he thinks a human, their body and emotions and time can be bought for himself, he'll never respect you. To be honest (and this is really judgy, I'm sorry) if I knew you personally and knew all this I'd just feel you were condoning it somehow by staying with him.

How many prostitutes do you think sell their bodies willingly? With or without a pimp there's a lack of true consent and you know it full well, so should he then and now.

He can apologise to you (and should) but he can never fully do so to the girl in question, and that leaves an ongoing assault and a lie in my eyes. Tbh he doesn't even sound racked with guilt

In being honest about it he's done the bare minimum - no prizes for that.

FYI his friend is a rapist and psychopath. I wouldn't feel safe around either of them - the lack of trust alone is a killing punch.

No DC? Then move on

WellThisIsShit · 07/08/2017 13:28

It's not actually what happened in the past that you are struggling with is it? It's the views he holds in the present that are so worrying and repugnant.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 07/08/2017 14:47

Of course Davey is a punter and what is almost worse, has to make these whiney excuses about why it's all ok because he hasn't got the courage to acknowledge what he is and the reality of what he does.
I've often noted how misogyny and the inclination to exploit women go hand in hand with cowardice. Here is another example.

Bibbitybobbitybollocks · 07/08/2017 16:33

In your OP you ask how would we feel and are you over thinking this. The short answer is utterly disgusted with him and I think you're over thinking in comparison to my thought process which would be "errgh get the fuck away from me you slime bag, we're done, goodbye, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out".
However if you're considering staying with him and working through this, then you do need to think long and hard about whether you can truly put it behind you and not bring it up when you row.
IMO I couldn't be with someone who a) believes cash equals consent, b) thinks that paying and not "abusing"Hmm a woman is treating them well, c) admits that he would possibly do it again if he was single (does that include if you were to separate temporarily?)
Nope I'd be gone so fast I'd leave burn marks on the driveway.
But that's me, only you know what your dealbreakers are. Good luck Flowers

Mayhemmumma · 07/08/2017 16:39

I'd be horrified if DH confessed this to me. The whole Thailand thing I don't know, maybe a one off experiment would disgust me but ok fine. More than once and making a point to tell you he stood by and did nothing about horrid friend? Yuck.

We have a DD and I'd hate the idea that a man who values women so little could be parenting her.

I'm not surprised you are struggling.

Timefortea99 · 07/08/2017 16:50

What an awful dilemma to face.

This would also put me right off. The going to Thailand in the first place - doubt it was for the temples and the food. Buying sex. Justifying it like it was a service like one you would get from a bar man. The abusive friend who he still sees, he does not feel he is doing anything wrong. His skewed way of thinking suggests a lack of morality - and a wedding certificate may not be enough for him to not do it again.

FuckYouLinda · 07/08/2017 20:38

AF, Davey probably goes to Thailand on an annual basis to get his rocks off. So us telling him that she's actually not as into it as he's convinced himself, or that she actually does not choose to fuck him would bite into the fragile fantasy he's created for himself that these young girls are some sort of self-employed independent contractors who do this job because sunburnt sweaty faranags three times their age are such a turn on.

It's only the money that makes it barely palatable to them.

AnyFucker · 07/08/2017 21:11

I can imagine , Linda but I would really rather not

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 07/08/2017 21:42

It would be a massive deal breaker for me, and I would be gone.

AngelaTwerkel · 07/08/2017 21:54

Dealbreaker for me, too.

And Davey you ate deluded, mate. Your inside knowledge Hmm of Thailand's economy is woefully lacking. But I'm sure the women you pay won't care to enlighten you and you can go on living in your delusion that you're improving lives or however it is you rationalise it.

BlackJesus · 08/08/2017 07:16

we all have a past

Birdchangedname · 08/08/2017 08:11

I honestly knew a guy who went on a stags to Amsterdam, came back convinced this prostitute (eastern European) was in love with him. His shagging was so amazing apparently, not like all the others! He was so cock sure of himself. The moron kept in touch, but she dropped him like a stone when she worked out he was skint. The deluded idiot, flattery mushed his brain .

Birdchangedname · 08/08/2017 08:12

Ditto to fuckyoulinda

Birdchangedname · 08/08/2017 08:18

Sorry I didn't mean that as a derail, but as an example of how users of prostitutes (waves at Dave) are not exactly a reliable witness, they believe whatever suits their cock.

diodati · 08/08/2017 08:24

Wow. I've only just seen this but wanted to add that my XH visited prostitutes before we met. I was shocked when he told me about it but to be honest, it never occurred to me to judge him for doing so. I was young and naive, believing that prostitution was a profession that most women chose to do because they enjoyed sex. Stupid, I know.

If I met and fell in love with someone now who admitted the same, it might not be a deal breaker but I would certainly lose respect for him and question his integrity and morals.

Huskylover1 · 08/08/2017 09:40

I realise this isn't the main point....BUT...why on earth was he watching his mate getting his rocks off? I never, ever understand this?? What straight guy, would ever want to see his mates erect penis, let alone see his cum face? Eww.

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 09:52

It might help to look at this from his pov. Just because a guy has paid for sex doesn't necessarily mean he sees women as objects or doesn't respect them. Most men, (and some women) see prostitution in a different way. The vast majority of men, whether they will admit it to you or not, have no moral objection to the concept of prostitution. Why? Because most men would not think it so terrible for women to pay them for sex.

Take this into consideration as well as what you know about him overall as a person.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 08/08/2017 09:53

I would be truly and utterly horrified and he would never be seeing me again. The idea that I could be sharing my life with someone who thinks he can buy consent and that women are just a commodity and a hole to be fucked would be repulsive to me.

Batoutahell · 08/08/2017 09:59

Oh god OP, this is really tough. Because he can be a good guy but an ignorant one at the same time. I think it's more worrying that he's resisting being educated about what an awful thing he has done but:

I can see how easily it happens to do this sort of thing when young and discovering sex and all the exciting aspects to getting turned on etc.

I can also see why he's reluctant to think properly about this topic as it makes him stupid, disgusting and a bad person for what he did.

I'm not sure I could ever live with this issue without a great deal of ongoing upset.

AnyFucker · 08/08/2017 10:16

Husky...for the same reason that gangs of men watch lapdancers and strippers together and just loooove double penetration porn. Sexual display to other men. For the cocks. Barely repressed homosexuality.

They explode with fury when you suggest that to them though. < strokes chin >