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Original poster

Use of prostitutes before relationship

191 replies

Eralc3891 · 05/08/2017 19:14

How would you feel about your DH telling you that he had used prostitutes on two separate occasions on holiday 10 years ago (before we met) when he was single?

So as not to drip feed, this was on holiday with one of his friends in Thailand.

He told me this some time ago but I really am struggling to deal with this still and keep bringing it up, which is obviously annoying him and impacting on our relationship.

I hate the idea of him thinking it is ok to rent a woman's body and not,caring about anything but getting himself off, regardless of whether the woman consented.

I know everyone has something in their past which is less than ideal and if he had expressed genuine remorse about his actions and acknowledged that he had taken part in an abusive and coercive industry I might have found it easier to move on.

However, he maintains that he hasn't really done anything wrong. Whist he says he isn't proud of what he did, he isn't ashamed. Apparently, he treated the two women well Hmm and I don't know anything about them - I can't say they didn't consent and weren't there through choice.

When I pointed out that most women don't choose to become sex workers if they have any other viable choices, he compared use of prostitutes to me buying a drink on holiday from a bar man. Both don't want to be there apparently!

His friend was also vile to one of the women and he just looked on.

Sorry for my ramblings.

Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 05/08/2017 20:25

I think it's a crappy thing for him to have done it in my opinion. I'd feel differently if it was an escort in the UK though. He can't be held responsible for his friends actions.

He's said that he would consider sleeping with a prostitute again if he were single.

She's admitted to bringing it up multiple times. Maybe you're right and she wants him to say it's shitty and he'd not do it again. He's made his feelings on it clear. He's not interested in it but could guarantee 100% that he'd never do it if he were single.

All I'm saying is either it's a deal breaker or it's not.

lostprince · 05/08/2017 20:34

It would be a deal breaker for me Hmm

Cheekyfuckerneighbour · 05/08/2017 20:49

I'm afraid I'd not see dh the same and I'd be ending our marriage.

another20 · 05/08/2017 21:03

I'd feel differently if it was an escort in the UK though. Why?

MaisyPops · 05/08/2017 21:08

another
Because whilst the idea of paying for sex is grim to me, there a greater chance of it being a woman's choice is she is opting to do higher end escorting than someone in a poorer country with a reputation for.ongoing exploitation.

Girlywurly · 05/08/2017 21:10

I wouldn't be able to get past this. He exploited an impoverished woman for his sexual gratification, and stood by while his friend sexually humiliated another vulnerable girl. It's horrible.

KickthewallonSalthillprom · 05/08/2017 21:16

You said he told you some time ago and you keep bringing it up.
Clearly you are uncomfortable with his previous sexual experiences. You have a choice, accept it happened and move on together. Accept it happened and decide it was an unacceptable indicator of his character and end your relationship.
I have an opinion but it is totally irrelevant to your position.
How do you feel? Can you move on?
Don't live a half life, hating him for what he did but shuffling into a future together because you are not brave enough to end it.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2017 21:28

Another thing about this that I find very troubling is WHY did he tell you this? Any man with one fucking brain cell should know to NEVER tell their wife about ever using a prostitute. What's the point of even telling you? I find it very hard to believe that a man who goes to Thailand to use prostitutes and sits there while his friend is abusing one hasn't displayed some shitty behaviour to you during your relationship. This is not a man who respects women.

MaisyPops · 05/08/2017 21:36

KickthewallonSalthillprom
You've put it better than I could in any of my posts.

It's either a deal breaker or it's not. Continually bringing it up and expecting a different outcome doesn't change the situation.

BirdBandit · 05/08/2017 21:36

Deal breaker for me.

It might be different if he said that he had used it once, all his mates were doing it, and he feels ashamed, that his behaviour and attitudes were abhorrent, that he felt so awful that he didn't have the guts to help one of the women who was being abused by his "mate".

But he didn't say that, did he? He, from your description seems completely OK and gloried by it.

I guess he is testing your boundaries, it is up to you where they lie.

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 05/08/2017 21:51

I wouldn't be happy about it. I guess you either accept it and move on, or you end it. There's no other option. It's the description of what his friend did that I find particularly chilling.

Original poster
Eralc3891 · 06/08/2017 11:43

To the PPs who have said what I want is an acknowledgement that it was wrong and that he wouldn't do it again - that's exactly what I want. But I'm realising that I am not going to get this. Ever.

I know I can't keep using it as a stick to beat him with every couple of weeks. I realised that on Friday after our latest argument. Its hurting him to talk about it all the time, as he gets defensive and won't answer many of my questions.

It's just his stance is so contrary to mine that I keep hoping he will come around to my way of thinking. I'm realising more and more that that isn't going to happen.

Ive got a lot of thinking to do. Thankfully we don't have children.

Thanks

OP posts:
JK1773 · 06/08/2017 12:55

I couldn't stay with someone who'd done this. Sorry

Isetan · 06/08/2017 13:27

I think you are struggling with who he is and you might have been able to put the blinkers on to suit an earlier convenience but this particular unapologetic truth about his character, is becoming harder to ignore/ compartmentalise.

This is how he feels deep down about women, more so, women he's 'paid for'. His view is that paid for sex is a transaction and the customer is king, why should he give a fuck about the feelings of the orifice he's hired. Prostitutes are a female sub species, there for his self gratification and are as disposable as the condom (I hope he uses) during his 'transaction'.

I can understand your desperation for him to say 'the right things' but it wouldn't be the truth and maybe the greater anxiety here is, that his beliefs says something about the woman who chose to ignore this information and married him anyway.

abigcupoffuckyou · 06/08/2017 13:31

It's be a big no from me. IF he were ashamed of himself then I could get over it, but with that attitude? That speaks to his real attitude to women, and therefore to you as well.
I couldn't touch him.

TheStoic · 06/08/2017 13:40

Dealbreaker.

Now you know how he views women. You can't un-know it.

Piratesandpants · 06/08/2017 13:46

This is a genuine question. How could he treat a prostitute well? Does that mean not abusing her??

weatherbomb · 06/08/2017 13:49

I wonder if he's feel differently if the sex worker bring exploited was his daughter or if you had been a sex worker before meeting him? I bet he'd have a stance more akin to yours.

WombOfOnesOwn · 06/08/2017 13:53

He certainly has a great reason to tell you: now you know that if you don't make him sexually happy as much as he'd like, he has alternatives and doesn't really have a problem with using them. There's no other reason for him to actually tell you this about his earlier life. None. He is doing it as a tactic to keep you right where he wants you.

thewooster · 06/08/2017 13:58

It would be a dealbreaker for me. His attitude speaks volumes.

AnyFucker · 06/08/2017 13:58

Your husband is no better than the pig that hit a woman in a vile, demeaning way. I bet he stroked his cock extra hard over thoughts of that.

Good luck in your marriage. You will need it.

YouRat · 06/08/2017 14:04

Why would something that he had done years ago bother you now ?

SandyY2K · 06/08/2017 14:08

I'm afraid I'm like you and don't think I could get past it. It's not even about the prostitutes choosing to do the job, but it honestly repulses me.

Why did he tell you?

abigcupoffuckyou · 06/08/2017 14:09

Why would something that he had done years ago bother you now

For all the reasons stated in the thread?

Just because its in the past doesn't mean it's ok.

SandyY2K · 06/08/2017 14:13

I just couldn't respect a man who used the services of a prostitute. I wouldn't use the words 'vile or pig', and I wouldn't say it's a sign of how he treats all women.

I just couldn't be married to a man who I knew had been a prostitute. Many prostitutes choose that lifestyle... That's another argument... But I want a husband I respect. With no kids.. I'd be gone.