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Original poster

Use of prostitutes before relationship

191 replies

Eralc3891 · 05/08/2017 19:14

How would you feel about your DH telling you that he had used prostitutes on two separate occasions on holiday 10 years ago (before we met) when he was single?

So as not to drip feed, this was on holiday with one of his friends in Thailand.

He told me this some time ago but I really am struggling to deal with this still and keep bringing it up, which is obviously annoying him and impacting on our relationship.

I hate the idea of him thinking it is ok to rent a woman's body and not,caring about anything but getting himself off, regardless of whether the woman consented.

I know everyone has something in their past which is less than ideal and if he had expressed genuine remorse about his actions and acknowledged that he had taken part in an abusive and coercive industry I might have found it easier to move on.

However, he maintains that he hasn't really done anything wrong. Whist he says he isn't proud of what he did, he isn't ashamed. Apparently, he treated the two women well Hmm and I don't know anything about them - I can't say they didn't consent and weren't there through choice.

When I pointed out that most women don't choose to become sex workers if they have any other viable choices, he compared use of prostitutes to me buying a drink on holiday from a bar man. Both don't want to be there apparently!

His friend was also vile to one of the women and he just looked on.

Sorry for my ramblings.

Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 06/08/2017 14:19

I could not get past this. Unless he was contrite and had changed as a person, the relationship would be over.

Girlywurly · 06/08/2017 14:22

Just read your update. With no children, I'd be out the door. Flowers

SandyY2K · 06/08/2017 14:22

Why would something that he had done years ago bother you now ?

Is this a serious question?

What people have done in the past is an indication of their character and it's very relevant.

If a man has cheated on past partners, it still matters, even though it was before he met me.

FoxyinherRoxy · 06/08/2017 14:30

OP you really are struggling to accept it, and that is a big issue.

I knew XH had used a prostitute before we met. At first I didn't have an issue with it. He had no problem with it, no regrets, saw it as something that blokes do. I went along with his stance.

But then I grew up. And I became aware of what it actually means, and what it said about him as a man. How would I feel if my sons shared his attitude? Or if my daughters were treated as commodities? I couldn't live with the man any more. I saw him in a whole new light.

Now, if a new partner behaved the same way, it would be an instant deal breaker.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 06/08/2017 14:36

So he goes somewhere poor and exploits women who are desperate for money sexually. Of course you are bringing it up all the time because you cannot accept it because you are a decent human being. He is not. He is filth. Leave him and be glad of your lucky escape. And make sure other women know why you have left him - they deserve the chance to avoid being entangled with this filth too.

TakeThatFuckingDressOffNow · 06/08/2017 14:53

I could in no way accept this.... maybe if he realised the true nature of what he had done and seriously repented...but then no

But to say he did nothing wrong and didn't intervene when his friend was vile - it is revolting behaviour, inexcusable.

Apart from being a reflection of what he truly thinks of women, so a huge misongynist . Iin addition he must be a prize simpleton to say "I treated her nice so nothing wrong" as if it was some sort of equal exchange between two persons on a par.

Not some man, in a patriarchy visiting a developing country, using his western wealth to pay a woman for sex and seeing it as a fair exchange. Not to be able to imagine that she was putting on a show as if she were pretending to enjoy herself. What did he think, yeah she probably enjoyed it? I mean even someone being that simple would send me running for the hills.

I have no words - this does not bode well for your future. Sorry hope I haven't been rude, I don't mean offence. I know this must be hard as you have strong feelings for him. Please don't let those feelings hide the truth you know.... you are too good to be with someone like this!!!

Sorry for typos.... this is upsetting stuff OP

LaArdilla · 06/08/2017 15:10

Bleh. Dealbreaker. Because it shows how he truly views women. Commodities.

Maybe, maaaybe, if he was actually remorseful ("...since then I've educated myself and learned much more about the dangers of the sex industry and how likely they are to have been trafficked, and not part of the 'happy hooker' myth we're sold...") then maybe, I'd let it slide.

But probably not. Really it's a dealbreaker, and moreover, something he should never have told you.

*yeah alright, some are, I get it, but you don't really know when you're getting it cheap in Thailand.

sunfloweras · 06/08/2017 15:18

My ex used a prostitute in Europe on a lads holiday when he was 18 kind of like daring each other to do it. He said she was the most beautiful girl he'd seen (this was before we were together and we were just friends) when we were together we spoke about it and he just didn't understand how the exploitation of women occurs in prostitution and he said yes sure maybe it does happen but not in Europe. I explained yes within Europe it's also rife and he shouldn't have assumed the woman he slept with wasn't exploited. I really think he thought differently after that and didn't bother me at all. I think if he continued to think it was ok and that he may consider to do it again it would have bothered me enough I couldn't have been with him though.

FlyButterflyFly · 06/08/2017 15:22

It doesn't matter if it was 200 years ago, what matters is his view of his actions NOW. And from what you say OP, it sounds like if you was to split up he would be right on the phone to the local brothel. Although, I'm not convinced this happened just the one time, only 10 years ago, but I digress. He isn't "getting it" ....and that's why your gut instinct is going off....

FlowerLikeADaisy · 07/08/2017 08:15

My husband, four years after we were married with two DS- revealed amidst a drunken conversation with friends - that he had slept with a prostitute before we were together. It killed all my sexual feelings for him right then and there, and our sex life still suffers for it. I can not tell him why but I am grossed out with him for it, and I just ....blurgh.
I can not move past it either, though I am aware it was in the past.
I have no solutions, but I do empathise.

DownTownAbbey · 07/08/2017 08:58

Is he still friends with his 'mate ' the rapist? Because in my mind a man who thinks his mate is still a good laugh after he's found out they are a rapist is an enormous shitbag misogynist prick.

JetBoyJetGirl · 07/08/2017 09:11

Flower I don'tunderstand. Why can't you tell him? Why continue to have sex with someone you have no sexual feelings for?

Eralc would be a dealbreaker for me. Wouldn't even need to think about it. I'd have walked immediately.

FlowerLikeADaisy · 07/08/2017 09:45

Well for a start I don't have sex very often, and in almost all other ways, he is an awesome man. We have known each other for thirty years, and I really couldn't cope without him in my life. He is my best friend, and I know I am his.
I was also extremely wild throughout my twenties, so I feel hypocritical about my reaction tbh. Compared to some me of the things I have done, this really pales in comparison. It happened, he told me and it changed things.

Really, if it came down to it- sex is way, way down on my list of things I want to do. I have no interest, just occasionally it'll occur to me.

so? I really don't know. I guess it's like I don't want to drop another rock in a goldfish bowl. And I have no desire to be single or ever date again, or put my kids through that kind of stuff, so why fuck it all up?

Daveygravy · 07/08/2017 11:00

Hi all. Hope you don't mind a guy posting here. I've been to Thailand a few times and thought it may be useful to add a few points.

Thailand has the world's 20th largest economy. There are some poor people, as there are in any country. There is no welfare state, that's the biggest difference compared to the UK. In Thailand the young are expected to provide for their families. The girl's working in the bars have the choice of taking a low paid job instead, but prostitution can pay significantly more than even well respected jobs.

In terms of the girls being forced into it / trafficked, I believe this is the case for some Eastern European girls working in Bangkok to service mainly Arab men. In the bars / gogos the Thai girls choose if they want to go with a customer or not and all the money from the customer goes to the girl. What i take issue with is guys that disrespect the girls in any way, particularly when the try and do things that the girl is not happy to do. Scumbags and they need locking up.

I think going with a prostitute in the UK could well be worse as it's more likely they'll have a pimp or are being controlled in some way.

I've read several of the threads here on the guys cheating on the wives, I've been disgusted by them tbh. Especially when the amazing mother is bringing up their child/children. Selfish, horrible men.

OP, I would at least find it a positive that your husband is being honest with you. If you'd like to pm me about anything, please do.

FuckYouLinda · 07/08/2017 11:22

Davey, I've been to Thailand too and chatted to some local girls about it. Just because they don't have a gun to their head does not mean that they had a choice.

Knowing that if you don't have sex with foreigners means more hardship, more poverty and possibly starvation for your extended family back home is fuck all of a choice. Doing it to afford essential medicines or medical treatment for your gran or your mum is not a free choice.

It does not matter why prostititues 'choose' the life they live - very often it's down to the lack of other choices or supports that drive them into the profession.

To me, a woman prostituting herself to feed her family has fuck all more of a choice than an EE woman trafficked to the UK does.

Original poster
Eralc3891 · 07/08/2017 11:39

This is what I am struggling with - is it really true to say that the women are happy to do this because the alternative is a much lower paid job?

I just cant see how so many women would
willingly choose the option to rent their bodies out if there was a real alternative.

To the PP who asked if he was still friends with the awful friend - yes he is but he rarely sees him now. He acknowledges that the friend is an awful person.

OP posts:
Nainer123 · 07/08/2017 11:51

I was about to ask the same question as downtown
The fact that he is whether he sees him or not would mean my marrige would be over. Theres absolutely no fucking way I'd be staying with someone that was still friends with a rapist. Thats exactly what he is. That woman asked him to stop because it hurt and he kept going. He is absolutely disgusting and why your husband didnt knock him out and tell him to fuck off and never darken his door again would majorly concern me. But he thinks his friend is awful, and what? Why is he still friends with him!
That poor woman.

ulmiedzaavquane · 07/08/2017 12:04

I don't think that "getting over this" is a desirable result here.

You "getting over" this would mean accepting that you are currently with a man who perceives a woman as a thing to be used and rented by the hour, and that the purpose of sex is for his pleasure rather than a special expression of love within an emotional relationship.

Personally I don't think I could be with a man like that and I am glad to hear that you don't have children as that would be the only thing that would give me qualms about saying LTB.

If he were to actually have a change of heart and would never do such a thing again then OK - but I don't think you could ever be sure that such a change of heart was genuine.

If you do decide not to leave him then please for the sake of the next generation do not have any children with him. A man with an attitude like that is totally unsuitable to be a father.

Given that no form of contraception is 100% effective that may mean not having sex with him, but knowing that he perceives the female body as a thing to be used for his pleasure must be a massive turn-off so perhaps that wouldn't be too much of a problem.

Daveygravy · 07/08/2017 12:07

I think it's relatively easy money, especially since the girls can choose which customers they sleep with. They do have a choice of lower paid jobs. I think it's an exaggeration to say their families may starve. Some of them are looking to settle down with a western man who can provide for them and their family. A lot of guys get taken for their life savings as they fall for the illusion of being loved by a bar girl, typically much younger than them. More fool them. Sorry, but i don't think this can be compared to girls that have been trafficked, that's simply not true.

I think prostitution will always be around and surely it's better if it's not driven underground and controlled by pimps and gangsters.

Original poster
Eralc3891 · 07/08/2017 12:14

Thank you all for your input everyone. I'm going to step away from this thread now and take some time to think.

Everybody's advice has been greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Girlywurly · 07/08/2017 12:22

Davey, being exposed to pregnancy, disease, beatings and injuries is not my idea of 'easy money'. You've just read an account of a woman who was beaten for comic effect and forced to continue having sex in spite of crying out in pain. Your point of view on this matter sounds a lot like wishful thinking to me.

Good luck, OP. Flowers

abigcupoffuckyou · 07/08/2017 12:25

I think it's relatively easy money, especially since the girls can choose which customers they sleep with

Don't be so naive Hmm

JetBoyJetGirl · 07/08/2017 12:27

Your point of view on this matter sounds a lot like wishful thinking to me.

Or a case if fingers in the ears and "la la I can't hear you" so that he doesn't have to face the reality of what he's doing.

AnyFucker · 07/08/2017 12:42

Davey, you are a punter, aren't you

Girlywurly · 07/08/2017 12:53

Exactly what I was thinking, AF.