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Original poster

Use of prostitutes before relationship

191 replies

Eralc3891 · 05/08/2017 19:14

How would you feel about your DH telling you that he had used prostitutes on two separate occasions on holiday 10 years ago (before we met) when he was single?

So as not to drip feed, this was on holiday with one of his friends in Thailand.

He told me this some time ago but I really am struggling to deal with this still and keep bringing it up, which is obviously annoying him and impacting on our relationship.

I hate the idea of him thinking it is ok to rent a woman's body and not,caring about anything but getting himself off, regardless of whether the woman consented.

I know everyone has something in their past which is less than ideal and if he had expressed genuine remorse about his actions and acknowledged that he had taken part in an abusive and coercive industry I might have found it easier to move on.

However, he maintains that he hasn't really done anything wrong. Whist he says he isn't proud of what he did, he isn't ashamed. Apparently, he treated the two women well Hmm and I don't know anything about them - I can't say they didn't consent and weren't there through choice.

When I pointed out that most women don't choose to become sex workers if they have any other viable choices, he compared use of prostitutes to me buying a drink on holiday from a bar man. Both don't want to be there apparently!

His friend was also vile to one of the women and he just looked on.

Sorry for my ramblings.

Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
PricklyBall · 08/08/2017 10:48

It might help to look at this from his pov. Just because a guy has paid for sex doesn't necessarily mean he sees women as objects or doesn't respect them. Most men, (and some women) see prostitution in a different way. The vast majority of men, whether they will admit it to you or not, have no moral objection to the concept of prostitution. Why? Because most men would not think it so terrible for women to pay them for sex.

I think those of us critical of OP's partner are perfectly aware of his POV. We understand it, we just think it's a fairly shitty way to think about women, sex and relationships. The old saying "to understand all is to forgive all" is a crock of shit - it is perfectly possible to understand why someone has chosen to behave in a certain way and still think their behaviour was shitty. And several of us have said we would choose not to be with a man who had this point of view. I personally would rather be single for the rest of my life than tie myself to a man with this point of view.

And more importantly - it is entirely the OP's call as to whether she herself wishes to stay with a man who feels this way about women, sex and relationships. She is under no obligation to stay with a crap man simply because a lot of men think it is perfectly okay to be a crap man.

Incidentally, stats on prostitute use across a variety of countries, and with a variety of degrees of legalisation/criminalisation, suggest that it is not a majority of men who feel this way. Even in countries with full decrim, there are still substantial numbers of men who are nice, decent men.

AnyFucker · 08/08/2017 11:32

His POV stinks. That is all.

thewooster · 08/08/2017 12:33

Years ago a man I knew remarked he should have been born a woman cos he'd have made a fortune. He then stated women are sitting on a money maker.

When my mate pointed out that if indeed he'd been born a woman and gone into his chosen profession of prostitution, he'd have to sleep with disgusting, sweaty old men ie like yourself mate, he suddenly shut up.

We could see him thinking about it and I like to think we educated him that day, but probably not.

JetBoyJetGirl · 08/08/2017 12:54

The vast majority of men, whether they will admit it to you or not, have no moral objection to the concept of prostitution.

Bollocks.

bupa · 08/08/2017 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AngelaTwerkel · 08/08/2017 13:08

"Because most men would not think it so terrible for women to pay them for sex."

Actually, "most men" are not like you, @Chosenusername. I'm thankful for that.

JetBoyJetGirl · 08/08/2017 13:13

Because most men would not think it so terrible for women to pay them for sex.

Actually, I have a friend who is very attractive, and quite highly sexed. I know he watches porn, but tends to stick to the stuff 'ordinary' women have posted of themselves so that he knows it's fully consenting stuff.

He will only have sex with a woman with whom he has the "whole package". He isn't interested in ONS or just fucking an attractive woman he has no mental/intellectual/emotional connection with.

He certainly wouldn't want to be paid for it. He'd find that utterly demeaning. As most people would do.

inlectorecumbit · 08/08/2017 14:08

Could l stay with my DH in these circumstances? Paid for sex, probably not. Stood by and did nothing while his friend abused the sex worker-absolutely not.
Much as it would upset me his attitude is so wrong and l would need to walk away.

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 15:02

**Bollocks

So naive. As long as it's consenting adults, nobody with any sense would have a moral objection.

FoxyinherRoxy · 08/08/2017 15:11

The whole 'most men' argument is what 'most men' who think it's acceptable hide behind.

It isn't in fact 'most men'. Most men don't pay for sex or think it's ok to.

Eleanorsummer · 08/08/2017 15:11

I couldn't stay with someone who had paid for, let alone not intervene when he saw his friend treating the woman badly. Just demonstrates how he has no respect for women, and obviously doesn't care about them as a human being.

FoxyinherRoxy · 08/08/2017 15:12

And paying for consent isn't the same as willingly consenting.

Eleanorsummer · 08/08/2017 15:12

*paid for sex ^

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 08/08/2017 15:15

Decent men don't pay for sex because what they value in it can't be bought. You can't purchase willing, enthusiastic participation. The men who enjoy prostitution do so because they get off on the fact that there is not real consent. They're rapists in truth.

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 15:18

But if two adults consent to exchange money for sex then that is their choice and nobody else place to judge. Criticizing that is like criticizing sex before marriage or same sex relationships.

DeannaTroika · 08/08/2017 15:21

But if two adults consent to exchange money for sex then that is their choice and nobody else place to judge. Criticizing that is like criticizing sex before marriage or same sex relationships

You clearly don't understand the first thing about it. It isn't 2 equal consenting adults, it's not a simple business deal. I'm not going to explain it all to you because it would take an essay, but you really should educate yourself before you comment.

blackberrypickinginaugust · 08/08/2017 15:26

I think many people might be shocked if they knew how many men have slept with a prostitute at least once.

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 15:28

**You clearly don't understand the first thing about it. It isn't 2 equal consenting adults, it's not a simple business deal. I'm not going to explain it all to you because it would take an essay, but you really should educate yourself before you comment

The concept of prostitution (which is what I was talking about) is about two consenting adults. If you're talking about something else then you're quoting the wrong person.

CosmicPineapple · 08/08/2017 15:36

Chosen the majority of sex workers are in that position due to:
Addictions.
Lack of money to support their children.
Forced by a partner/pimp.
Abuse.

None of the above makes the sex consensual. They do it because they have no choice. These women are not choosing to have sex with strangers who they are probably not attracted to and are possibily violent. They are forced in to it.

The men that use them do not care. They and people like you will kid themself it is consensual but truth is it never is.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 08/08/2017 15:37

True consent can't be bought. If you can't understand that, I think it's your duty to make that clear, so other people can see what you are and make an informed choice about whether they want you near them or not.
I know what I'd choose.

DeannaTroika · 08/08/2017 15:38

The concept of prostitution (which is what I was talking about) is about two consenting adults

Is it the word consent you are struggling with? Because prostitution almost never consists of 2 equally consenting adults. Unless the consent is free of economic and other pressures it is not real consent.
Is a drug addict working to feed their habit truly consenting? Is a women doing it to feed her kids consenting? What about the ones with pimps who control their work?

blackberrypickinginaugust · 08/08/2017 15:41

Then is removing the need doing more damage? Not sure.

greendale17 · 08/08/2017 15:43

Yuck

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 15:46

**Is it the word consent you are struggling with?

With all do respect, I'm not the one struggling with the definition of the word. You can absolutely consent to do something in exchange for money.

AngelaTwerkel · 08/08/2017 15:46

The concept of prostitution (which is what I was talking about) is about two consenting adults

If we're talking about a hypothetical situation set in a vacuum, then sure. But sadly, real world factors as mentioned by @CosmicPineapple turn your simplistic scenario into something MUCH more complicated.