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Original poster

Use of prostitutes before relationship

191 replies

Eralc3891 · 05/08/2017 19:14

How would you feel about your DH telling you that he had used prostitutes on two separate occasions on holiday 10 years ago (before we met) when he was single?

So as not to drip feed, this was on holiday with one of his friends in Thailand.

He told me this some time ago but I really am struggling to deal with this still and keep bringing it up, which is obviously annoying him and impacting on our relationship.

I hate the idea of him thinking it is ok to rent a woman's body and not,caring about anything but getting himself off, regardless of whether the woman consented.

I know everyone has something in their past which is less than ideal and if he had expressed genuine remorse about his actions and acknowledged that he had taken part in an abusive and coercive industry I might have found it easier to move on.

However, he maintains that he hasn't really done anything wrong. Whist he says he isn't proud of what he did, he isn't ashamed. Apparently, he treated the two women well Hmm and I don't know anything about them - I can't say they didn't consent and weren't there through choice.

When I pointed out that most women don't choose to become sex workers if they have any other viable choices, he compared use of prostitutes to me buying a drink on holiday from a bar man. Both don't want to be there apparently!

His friend was also vile to one of the women and he just looked on.

Sorry for my ramblings.

Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
CosmicPineapple · 08/08/2017 18:46

Does Chosen pay for sex? Confused

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 18:46

We are trying to point out the the circumstances that surround the huge majority of women selling themselves for sex means it is not fully consenting. They are only consenting because of
Addiction drives them to sell their body for sex.
The need to feed their family means selling their body equals food on the table.
Their boyfriend/pimp threatens them with violence/death or emotionally abuses them in to thinking he cares about her so to please him she must sell her body.

This is not consent in the true sense. That is where you are confusing it Chosen.*

Well I don't really disagree with much of that. As I stated at the beginning, my point was simply about the principle.

Girlywurly · 08/08/2017 18:46

blackberry, would you consider starting a thread of your own to get advice and support? Your situation sounds so very difficult. Flowers

Girlywurly · 08/08/2017 18:48

Oops, blundered... Cooking and mumsnetting simultaneously!! Blush

IfNot · 08/08/2017 18:50

Fuck no. Dealbreaker. Get rid.
A male friends of mine did some work with a charity in a 3rd world country that helped girls after prostitution. He is still traumatised by the experience of meeting girls who had been repeatedly raped and abused, because they had to make money for their families. Anyone who thinks prostitution is "easy money" wants their head examined.

CosmicPineapple · 08/08/2017 18:51

my point was simply about the principle.

What principle is that?
1 in 50 sex workers sells her body completly through choice with no other influences?
Given that is so rare the principle means very little.

JetBoyJetGirl · 08/08/2017 18:58

In that case, chosen are you arguing the principle of consent from a philosophical/academic perspective?

Because that is very different from a real world perspective.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 08/08/2017 19:04

you appear to be confusing the right to stop activity with the right to judge it, chosen. I may not have the former but I absolutely have the latter, and will exercise it. If a man is prepared to have sex with a woman having procured the ability to do so financially, I have a perfect right to think he's a shitbag. As do most people, actually, hence the fact that views such as you express are rarely expressed in RL - because few of these men have the courage to own what they are.

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 19:08

Oh my word. You are so thick.

It's not 'Pretty Woman' ffs

Do some research. I personally know one ex prostitute and one ex porn star who chose those jobs for the money.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 08/08/2017 19:11

Do you dear? That's nice.

JetBoyJetGirl · 08/08/2017 19:14

I personally know one ex prostitute and one ex porn star who chose those jobs for the money

The plural of anecdote is not data.

CosmicPineapple · 08/08/2017 19:17

I know at least 10 working and ex working girls who do/did sell their bodies due to desperation and need but not choice. So doesthat cancel out yours then? Hmm

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 19:17

In that case, chosen are you arguing the principle of consent from a philosophical/academic perspective?

Yes! exactly. I thought I made that clear by using the words "concept" and "principle in almost all of my posts. Maybe some people have missed my point (or simply disagree which is fair enough).

There can be any number of reasons why someone would do that job and different people will have different reasons so I was talking solely about the concept of sex for financial gain itself. And I was looking at it from a personal perspective. In principle I see no problem with consenting adults doing that if that is their wish.

AnyFucker · 08/08/2017 19:19

black please start your own thread in the Relationships topic and get some support x

pudding21 · 08/08/2017 19:21

From an ethical point of view, true consent in any situation, not just prostitution needs several factors. Autonomy (right to self determination), to be free from coersion, time to consider the risks/ benefits etc, and competence/ capacity to consent.

There are arguments many prostitutes do not "consent" in the ethical definition of the word.

Coercion could be in the form of a pimp, but arguable could also be the threat of losing your house, owing money to someone or a drug addiction. Having no other option could be argued as a form of coercion

There are many women who work as prostitutes, and do so with full consent. There are also many many more that do not. i am not anti prostitution per se, and wish it was regulated and treated as a form of employment as such. It is after all cited as being the oldest profession in the world.

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 19:22

What principle is that?

The simple principle that if two consenting adults want to exchange sex for financial gain then that is their choice and there is nothing wrong with that.

blackberrypickinginaugust · 08/08/2017 19:23

Have done. Thanks x Flowers

CosmicPineapple · 08/08/2017 19:24

But thats not in the context of this thread Chosen it happened in Thailand which is not know for it protection of sex workers and the friend abused the women he paid which the H did not protest to.

So why bother with 20 posts where you basically say you believe all working girls consent to sex and nobody judge Hmm

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 19:27

1 in 50 sex workers sells her body completly through choice with no other influences?
Given that is so rare the principle means very little.

1 in 50 isn't really that rare.

Even if it were super rare, it obviously still matters, especially if it were the case in the situation in the OP. Just because you're in the minority, doesn't mean you don't count

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 08/08/2017 19:27

There is everything wrong with a human being who cares so little about mutuality in sex that they are interested in having it on the basis they have paid for it. The fact that this particular personality disorder is common in no way makes it less noxious. The men who suffer from it in my experience tend to cause harm to women in numerous other ways, because they hate them.

PricklyBall · 08/08/2017 19:31

Anyone else getting the feeling we're being mansplained to by a p**nter who mistakenly thinks he possesses the "testicles of objectivity" (TM)?

So the other 49 being rape-for-pay is fine in your books, then? Okay. Righty-ho. You trot on. I'll continue thinking men who pay for sex are the scum of the earth.

JetBoyJetGirl · 08/08/2017 19:35

chosen the problem with arguing on from an academic perspective is that, theoretically, you can argue, for example, that a crime is ok if the criminal benefits more from having committed it than the victim suffers. So, a rape is ok if the rapist benefits more from committing the rape than the victim suffers from it.

It just doesn't work in real life though because, even if you were able to prove that, rape is still wrong.

CosmicPineapple · 08/08/2017 19:35

I picked a number Chosen to highlight how many women do not consent to how many do. I would imagine its actually much higher for those that do not consent.

You attitude on this thread is concerning and your posts tiresome. You have no real point to prove and I wonder if you are trying to justify your own actions maybe?

JetBoyJetGirl · 08/08/2017 19:36

Most of the men I know want to be found attractive and desireable by the woman they are having sex with. Most of them would not want to feel that they were only being tolerated because money had exchanged hands.

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 19:37

But thats not in the context of this thread Chosen it happened in Thailand which is not know for it protection of sex workers and the friend abused the women he paid which the H did not protest to.

So why bother with 20 posts where you basically say you believe all working girls consent to sex and nobody judge

Yes it happened in Thailand but as I said in an earlier post, I don't know that particular girl's situation so I can't comment on that one way or the other.

I agree that not protesting about the friends behaviour is bad. I have never actually said I condone or condemn what the OP's OH did.

I never said or implied that all prostitutes consent. I made a simple point about prostitution itself and I only replied so many times to clarify my point and refute false allegation about what I wrote. Tbh I don't think my point was really that outlandish, I think people must have been misinterpreting it.