Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Use of prostitutes before relationship

191 replies

Eralc3891 · 05/08/2017 19:14

How would you feel about your DH telling you that he had used prostitutes on two separate occasions on holiday 10 years ago (before we met) when he was single?

So as not to drip feed, this was on holiday with one of his friends in Thailand.

He told me this some time ago but I really am struggling to deal with this still and keep bringing it up, which is obviously annoying him and impacting on our relationship.

I hate the idea of him thinking it is ok to rent a woman's body and not,caring about anything but getting himself off, regardless of whether the woman consented.

I know everyone has something in their past which is less than ideal and if he had expressed genuine remorse about his actions and acknowledged that he had taken part in an abusive and coercive industry I might have found it easier to move on.

However, he maintains that he hasn't really done anything wrong. Whist he says he isn't proud of what he did, he isn't ashamed. Apparently, he treated the two women well Hmm and I don't know anything about them - I can't say they didn't consent and weren't there through choice.

When I pointed out that most women don't choose to become sex workers if they have any other viable choices, he compared use of prostitutes to me buying a drink on holiday from a bar man. Both don't want to be there apparently!

His friend was also vile to one of the women and he just looked on.

Sorry for my ramblings.

Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 19:40

So the other 49 being rape-for-pay is fine in your books, then?

If that was directed at me, no. Literally never said anything even remotely close to that. I mean seriously, read what was actually written.

CosmicPineapple · 08/08/2017 19:43

So naive. As long as it's consenting adults, nobody with any sense would have a moral objection.

^^Your post Chosen

All anyone else did was point out that consent is not simply a matter of selling your body ut has other factors. You for some reason have dug your heels in and contradicted yourself in your refusal to admit that you were wrong to believe all sex workers fully consent.

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 20:00

All anyone else did was point out that consent is not simply a matter of selling your body ut has other factors. You for some reason have dug your heels in and contradicted yourself in your refusal to admit that you were wrong to believe all sex workers fully consent.

Nowhere did I say I believe all sex workers fully consent.

Yes selling one's body can have other factors but those factors could be any number of things from being forced to loving sex. Therefore I purposely said the "concept" of prostitution, meaning the idea or premise of exchanging sex or sexual favours for financial gain.

You've even quoted where I said "as long as it's consenting adults". If it's not consenting adults ten it's a different thing entirely.

CosmicPineapple · 08/08/2017 20:20

But what is a cobsenting afult? You seem to think that selling their body means they consent. I and others pointed out thats not true.
Plus how many creeps do you think care to find out whether the woman is really truely consenting?
Given the fact that most people involved in selling and buying sex are not millionaires or high class call girls i think its safe to say mist is not between 2 consenting adults and it was not on this thread either.

Batoutahell · 08/08/2017 20:34

Chosen, there is absolutely no way any man walking into a room to have sex with a prostitute can ever know that their particular prostitute has chosen this of their free will and is not coming under the (huge) group of women who are there due to horrific circumstances. So your point is useless about 'consenting adults'. Any man choosing to use a prostitute is choosing to run a huge risk of exploiting a vulnerable individual.

That alone is (should be) more than enough to put any good man off.

Batoutahell · 08/08/2017 20:36

...and is (should be) more than enough to put any woman off a man who has used a prostitute.

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 21:09

But what is a cobsenting afult? You seem to think that selling their body means they consent. I and others pointed out thats not true.
Plus how many creeps do you think care to find out whether the woman is really truely consenting?
Given the fact that most people involved in selling and buying sex are not millionaires or high class call girls i think its safe to say mist is not between 2 consenting adults and it was not on this thread either.

I'm not going to speculate about the circumstances of the girl mention in the OP.

I understand what you and others have pointed out, and it's a good point. I was simply making a separate point about the concept of consenting adults exchanging sex for money as I know people who have chosen to do it for the money and I know people who admittedly would do it if they could (men).

What is consenting adults? 18+, sober, not mentally challenged, choosing to do it of their own free will without being threatened.

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 21:26

Chosen, there is absolutely no way any man walking into a room to have sex with a prostitute can ever know that their particular prostitute has chosen this of their free will and is not coming under the (huge) group of women who are there due to horrific circumstances. So your point is useless about 'consenting adults'. Any man choosing to use a prostitute is choosing to run a huge risk of exploiting a vulnerable individual.

That alone is (should be) more than enough to put any good man off.

I suppose it's difficult to be completely sure but you could say that about a lot of thing.

I don't think that really make my point useless anyway because the fact remains that in principle, if it is between consenting adults then there is nothing wrong with it.

Also just thought I'd mention men can be prostitutes and women can buy prostitutes too.

AngelaTwerkel · 08/08/2017 22:09

Oh here we go, women use prostitutes too. You're now scraping the barrel, clearly because the "principle" of prostitution you keep referring to has been painstakingly refuted several times and you need something else to add.

Although perhaps I should give you the benefit of the doubt, so please furnish us with more information about the endemic problem of trafficked and abused men that have been coerced or driven into prostitution by women.

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 22:38

Oh here we go, women use prostitutes too. You're now scraping the barrel, clearly because the "principle" of prostitution you keep referring to has been painstakingly refuted several times and you need something else to add.

Although perhaps I should give you the benefit of the doubt, so please furnish us with more information about the endemic problem of trafficked and abused men that have been coerced or driven into prostitution by women.

Where has the principle of prostitution been refuted? The principle remains that there should be no moral objection to consenting adults exchanging sexual favours for financial gain if they so wish.

Who said anything about there being an endemic problem of men being trafficked? I mentioned men can also sell sex and women can buy because (as I've said many times now) my point is/was about the concept of prostitution itself not the genders or circumstances of those most commonly involved. Have you missed the point again or just arguing for the sake of it?

CosmicPineapple · 08/08/2017 23:34

You keep pushing this "principle".

Nobody is saying that there are no women who fully consent ever with no outside influences.
What we are saying is that
A) it is very rare
B)99% of men dont ask and dont care
C) This thread is about A and B so what the hell are you going on about?

AnyFucker · 08/08/2017 23:39

"Women do it too"

Bingo Smile

Chosenusername · 09/08/2017 00:21

C) This thread is about A and B so what the hell are you going on about?

This thread isn't just about A and B, it's about people seeing prostitutes in general. I made a simple point about prostitution in general. People then kept commenting to me directly talking about how some prostitutes are pimped, addicts etc. I explained to them that I am aware of that but it's not really relevant to the point I was making. I've attempted to clarified my point when people have questioned or misinterpreted me and it seems to have gone around in circles a bit.

Marinade · 09/08/2017 01:57

@Chosen i resolved not to engage with you but your continual posting has compelled me to now tell you that your 2 brain cells have exhausted their energy and need to retire for the night.

Chosenusername · 09/08/2017 08:32

@Marinade I have only continued to post in reply to posts made to me. Accusing me of only having 2 brain cells is just childish. I have simply given my opinions in this thread respectfully. If you can't handle opinions which do not match your own and make a valid point or counter point in a mature manner, perhaps you should resolve not to post.

Batoutahell · 09/08/2017 08:44

I don't really agree with Chosen but think his comments are important to the debate. I've listened to what he has said and tried on his thoughts for myself but they just don't feel right or fit. So I have disagreed with him and told him why.

His thinking on the topic doesn't take into account reality but I think that he realises that and is debating some higher level points. The rest of us are simply hurt and distressed at the reality of the situation so can't listen to those points easily.

But that doesn't mean he or anyone debating the topic should be shut down.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page