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Original poster

Use of prostitutes before relationship

191 replies

Eralc3891 · 05/08/2017 19:14

How would you feel about your DH telling you that he had used prostitutes on two separate occasions on holiday 10 years ago (before we met) when he was single?

So as not to drip feed, this was on holiday with one of his friends in Thailand.

He told me this some time ago but I really am struggling to deal with this still and keep bringing it up, which is obviously annoying him and impacting on our relationship.

I hate the idea of him thinking it is ok to rent a woman's body and not,caring about anything but getting himself off, regardless of whether the woman consented.

I know everyone has something in their past which is less than ideal and if he had expressed genuine remorse about his actions and acknowledged that he had taken part in an abusive and coercive industry I might have found it easier to move on.

However, he maintains that he hasn't really done anything wrong. Whist he says he isn't proud of what he did, he isn't ashamed. Apparently, he treated the two women well Hmm and I don't know anything about them - I can't say they didn't consent and weren't there through choice.

When I pointed out that most women don't choose to become sex workers if they have any other viable choices, he compared use of prostitutes to me buying a drink on holiday from a bar man. Both don't want to be there apparently!

His friend was also vile to one of the women and he just looked on.

Sorry for my ramblings.

Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
DeannaTroika · 08/08/2017 16:08

With all do respect, I'm not the one struggling with the definition of the word. You can absolutely consent to do something in exchange for money

You CAN but thats not how prostitution works in the real world. Bought consent is not consent. Forced consent is not consent. Don't be an apologist.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 08/08/2017 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 16:16

the majority of sex workers are in that position due to:
Addictions.
Lack of money to support their children.
Forced by a partner/pimp.
Abuse.

I have no doubt that this is often the case. But I also have no doubt that people often choose that line of work as it can be very lucrative. It's pretty easy to find the evidence on the internet. Some people don't mind doing what they do for the amounts that they can charge. Denying that is the same as denying there is trafficking, pimping etc.

Btw at no point did I condone the actions of the OPs other half. I simply made a point about prostitution as a concept and how men can view it.

CosmicPineapple · 08/08/2017 16:28

This is not Belle de Jour Chosen prositution is rarely a glamorous affair where call girls charge thousands and live in Kensington.

Truth is your average punter is just that. They are not rich and pay for sex from women whos circumstances and safety is of no concern.
Dont kid yourself.

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 16:33

In the strict legal consent you may be right, chosen. But when it comes to sex, if that satisfies you, then as I said, I think you've a duty to the rest of the world to make very clear that's who you are, so other people can exercise their right to informed consent about whether they want anything to do with a warped little arse wipe

I'm not sure why you find it so difficult to accept that consenting adults should have the right do what they want in private. Your body, your choice. You have no right to judge what goes on between consenting adults.

Marinade · 08/08/2017 16:37

@Chosen if you seriously believe that a woman in Thailand who exchanges her body for sex because she is young, poor and vulnerable amounts to a fully consenting scenario then you need your head examining. If you further believe that the sexual assault that was played out is further evidence of such consent then your definition of consent is seriously worrying.

CosmicPineapple · 08/08/2017 16:46

You have no right to judge what goes on between consenting adults.

Nobody is judging what 2 consenting adults do.
We are trying to point out the the circumstances that surround the huge majority of women selling themselves for sex means it is not fully consenting. They are only consenting because of
Addiction drives them to sell their body for sex.
The need to feed their family means selling their body equals food on the table.
Their boyfriend/pimp threatens them with violence/death or emotionally abuses them in to thinking he cares about her so to please him she must sell her body.

This is not consent in the true sense. That is where you are confusing it Chosen.

AnyFucker · 08/08/2017 16:54

MN is chock full of punters these days. It's like fucking Punter*net in here.

blackberrypickinginaugust · 08/08/2017 16:56

I know mine uses escorts. He thinks I don't know but I do.

AnyFucker · 08/08/2017 16:58

Seriously, black ?

FoxyinherRoxy · 08/08/2017 17:02

You are frighteningly naive Chosen. Still, I imagine it helps you justify choices you may or may not make.

blackberrypickinginaugust · 08/08/2017 17:02

Yeah Sad Has them go to a hotel.

Ages ago he wanted a threesome with me and an escort but I really didn't like it.

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 17:09

@Chosen if you seriously believe that a woman in Thailand who exchanges her body for sex because she is young, poor and vulnerable amounts to a fully consenting scenario then you need your head examining. If you further believe that the sexual assault that was played out is further evidence of such consent then your definition of consent is seriously worrying

I haven't given an opinion on the OPs boyfriend. I have no idea about the background of the girl in question or how consensual this situation was. I made a point about prostitution as a general concept.

FoxyinherRoxy · 08/08/2017 17:12

Why do you put up with that shit blackberry?

Marinade · 08/08/2017 17:26

@Chosen I do not find anything you say to be remotely credible. Probably best that we leave it at that.

blackberrypickinginaugust · 08/08/2017 17:29

If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't foxy

Basically because I can't protect the children if I am not with him.

CosmicPineapple · 08/08/2017 17:29

prostitution as a general concept.

Whats the point in that?
Prostitution if you remove the humanity is a transaction. Payment for a service.
How can you remove the humanity when prostitution is the sale of a persons body?

I suppose the creeps that use prostitutes do remove the humanity so it is easier to justify their actions.

FoxyinherRoxy · 08/08/2017 17:37

I'm genuinely very sorry Blackberry.

I put up with a lot of shit, but it was the final straw for me. I get it though. Sad

AnyFucker · 08/08/2017 18:21

black you are in an abusive relationship relationship. Please try to seek help.

DonaldStott · 08/08/2017 18:24

But I also have no doubt that people often choose that line of work as it can be very lucrative.

Oh my word. You are so thick.

It's not 'Pretty Woman' ffs

Chosenusername · 08/08/2017 18:37

Whats the point in that?

Because Its kind of pertinent to the topic.

Prostitution if you remove the humanity is a transaction. Payment for a service.
How can you remove the humanity when prostitution is the sale of a persons body?

I suppose the creeps that use prostitutes do remove the humanity so it is easier to justify their actions.

The only thing I've removed is assumptions that prostitutes cannot consent. I do not know the life of the people involved, I do not know if they chose the job and like it or are forced and hate it, therefore I can only really comment on the principle of prostitution. I don't like to make assumptions and generalisations.

blackberrypickinginaugust · 08/08/2017 18:39

I've tried AF honestly but I'm so so worried about the children. He scares me so what must they feel if left alone with him? Sorry for thread diversion!

CosmicPineapple · 08/08/2017 18:44

Given the main reasons they sell their body I think that actual consent cannot be assumed. Which is what you are advocating they choose to sell their body therefore it is consent so it assumed consent not actual consent.

I refuse to believe you are as ignorant as you are coming across on this thread Chosen you refuse to accept that the vast majority of women who sell their body are doing so under force. Whether that be because of their circumstances or because another person is forcing them.

Girlywurly · 08/08/2017 18:44

Men who pay for sex are completely lacking in self-respect. They've given up on themselves. The men in my life scorn your kind, chosen, as do I.

I can't imagine what it'd be like to have to pay someone to have sex with me.

PricklyBall · 08/08/2017 18:45

blackberry - hugs. What a truly grim situation to be in. Do you think he would actually want contact with the children if you split, or do you think he'd just want as much time as possible to pursue pay for as many women as he wanted? It is such a nightmare, and one of the reasons LTB is not always advice that can be followed easily if at all.