Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

30 days no contact

(989 Posts)
Songbird86 Sun 16-Jul-17 09:46:09

Hi all!

Just want to share this because it might be helpful to some of you also experiencing a break up. I have nearly completed 30 days no contact post-break up. (I didn't even know this was a thing until I frantically Googled "how to get your ex back" the minute we'd split)

Not texting or calling him to beg and plead, say "I miss you" and "let's make this work" has, for the first time, left me with my dignity in tact. I gracefully bowed out. And whilst I think of him almost 24 hours a day, I don't act on it. I miss him, but have realised through this process that we were not right for each other and I was hanging onto what the relationship could have been, not what it actually was.

I kept a journal of this experience over the past month and what a ride it's been. It's been really tough to say the least but I am so proud of myself for getting through this. Next 30 days: here I come!

I recommend no contacting for anyone struggling with a break up, no matter which if you ended it.

SmokedGlass Sun 16-Jul-17 10:01:25

Morning Songbird
You have done exactly what I did 5 months ago, in this time I have received a change of address card from him and a birthday card but I have ignored both - I destroyed them without even opening them
NC is hard and like you I miss him and think of him often but it's something I had to do for self preservation

Songbird86 Sun 16-Jul-17 10:30:07

Wow SmokedGlass well done! I'm not sure how I'd have handled a birthday card...we both had our birthdays this month which was very shortly after we split. His was first and I obviously didn't wish him HB and then mine was 9 days later and I didn't hear from either. It made me sad but at the same time it's necessary.

falleninlove Sun 16-Jul-17 10:33:51

Hi Songbird.

Well done on your 30 days. I so hope I am able to do the same as you. At the moment it feels impossible.

I have just added a post earlier this morning "Even though I ended it, why am I completely devastated?" - I drew a line on something that was essentially a FWB thing on Friday night. I have been SO tempted to get in touch over the last 36 hours and say that I have made a mistake/changed my mind/am sorry etc etc. He has not contacted me and I don't expect he will, but even so I am checking my phone every 2 minutes just in case........Madness or obsession? I'm not sure which. Your suggestion about a journal is a good one.


Ginlovinglady Sun 16-Jul-17 10:34:55

I was thinking someone should start up a thread about 30 days no contact again.
There have been a few posters on here, myself included that either are doing it or need to do it.
I've been on and off trying to go no contact for a year and I'm on day 3! Again!

MrsMozart Sun 16-Jul-17 10:45:17

Very well done.

Songbird86 Sun 16-Jul-17 11:01:30

Falleninlove - just read your post and I think you made the right decision. If you were able to compromise then you would have done, but you wanted and needed more so you put yourself first. It's painful now for sure, you've lost someone you cared about and it hurts that he didn't fight for you. But you have to put your needs first, otherwise you'd be shutting a part of yourself off and be half dead. 36 hours is amazing! Keep hanging in there and remember it's a withdrawal period, it's really crappy but there's a long term gain!

I would love to hear about others no contact - let's support each other in this! smile

Ginlovinglady Sun 16-Jul-17 11:46:08

Yes I think we need to give strength to each other.
I think I've definitely been done a number on and am emotionally trying to stay strong.
Feel annoyed that I wasted a year repeating and repeating the same bloody mistake of letting him back in my life.
I think he's a proper narcissistic and I now know it's up to me to move on
Blocked him, we work in the same industry so the summer is good as there is no need for much contact. But I'm going to have to see him at somepoint and I am dreading it.

Every time that's happened before I have crumbled

Christinedonna Sun 16-Jul-17 11:51:04

Going through a break up and I feel empowered by this

CaseStudyResearch Sun 16-Jul-17 12:25:30

Attempting to go through similar as I realised I could be on the brink of an EA. Asked him on Friday night not to message me and have said I will do the same.

Battling with my head at the moment.

Songbird86 Sun 16-Jul-17 12:32:04

I posted on here last week about my ex and was really struggling. But time and no contact is really helping.

It was highlighted by other posters on that thread that my ex was abusive. It got me thinking about his behaviour which was always "trying to help me". I think at worst a narcissistic abuser, at best manipulative and ignorant. I am yet to work out which one.

I think with these types of people the no contact rule is even more crucial because you can completely lose yourself in these relationships. I completely lost myself with him and this time has allowed me to see things without my love goggles. If I sent have forced myself no contact I think I'd be begging him to see a therapist and losing myself more and more.

Remember: you broke up because it was broken.

Ginlovinglady Sun 16-Jul-17 12:46:59

I think the push and pull of an narcissist is the hardest thing
It makes you feel like a drug addict.
I feel quite often I am an addict getting the small hit and then feeling the massive low after
Mine "wants me to be happy"
If he truly did he wouldn't treat me like this!
It destroys your self worth and I am determined not to let him take anymore of me.
Narcissists cannot bear you to let go. They can't handle rejection
So we have to be extra strong if we thing they have those traits

noego Sun 16-Jul-17 14:25:32

flowers to all.

5 years NC here and don't regret one second of those 5 years

Movedout Sun 16-Jul-17 17:12:10

28 days today, I still feel terrible. Absolutely no contact, but I do stalk him on WhatsApp, does that count?

Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Sun 16-Jul-17 17:17:31

I've reached 90 days no contact (roughly j stopped counting) I'm at a point where I have no urge to contact him even if I see him. It still hurts at times but it's the best decision I've ever made.
No contact truly is the best way to go, it took a few tries for it to stick but now I'm strong in it. I don't know why I thought sticking to this the first time would cause any harm.
Well done for getting to 30 days!

Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Sun 16-Jul-17 17:19:09

Incidentally moved it started to hurt a lot less and became easier for me when I stopped checking up on him.

Beautifulbutterfly82 Sun 16-Jul-17 17:37:45

This is helping me quite a lot. I feel so lonely going through this break up and it helps to know there are others going through the same thing. No contact for 30 days sounds so hard but I'm going to do it and write a journal every day. Thank you x

Ginlovinglady Sun 16-Jul-17 17:55:19

Checking social media is a killer
I am trying to wean myself off it
I'm not on Facebook that helped
Instagram and twitter just take willpower


Songbird86 Sun 16-Jul-17 17:56:44

So I can't believe this but I just got a message from him saying he needs my address to forward some post on. I changed my address on everything so I don't know how that happened. I haven't replied yet. Tomorrow is day 30, he can wait.

Angelf1sh Sun 16-Jul-17 18:04:05

How could he need you to tell him your address? Surely you lived there 31 days ago? Such an obvious attempt to control.

Christinedonna Sun 16-Jul-17 18:05:33

We have a child together so he asks how she is every few days, I reply. 4 messages back and fourth at most. But we don't tak about anything but her. Day 24

Angelf1sh Sun 16-Jul-17 18:05:58

(Although actually I've just realised I'd confused you with SmokedGlass and was thinking he'd already sent you stuff, but he hadn't. Still obviously a control thing though.)

FindingJessica Sun 16-Jul-17 18:13:13

I've gone no contact before and at first it was absolute hell as he said he'd have me back anytime (for more of the same rubbish of course). I downloaded a No Contact app which I read everyday as I left work (which was our catch up phone \message time). That really helped. I found a journal I wrote everyday about it the other day and I was amazed at how I now feel nothing for him. I've bumped in to him since and he's emailed me but I felt no need to respond. It is fascinating how you can go from such pain to indifference in time. I'm hopeful I'll feel the same about the shitty guy who ghosted me too in time.

Songbird86 Sun 16-Jul-17 18:23:27

Oh the no contact app sounds great! I'll have to look for that. I feel like I jinxed myself, i posted saying it was 30 days but it's not, it's 29! It's 30 tomorrow. Therefore I will reply tomorrow. It seems silly to wait but it's such an important step for me to take some control and not just jump the moment he messages me.

numbandlost Sun 16-Jul-17 21:43:24

I definitely need to join this thread.
I do have to have some contact as we have children together but I need to keep it to a minimum.
Fresh start tomorrow then that will be day one.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: