30 days no contact

[Songbird86]

Hi all!

Just want to share this because it might be helpful to some of you also experiencing a break up. I have nearly completed 30 days no contact post-break up. (I didn't even know this was a thing until I frantically Googled "how to get your ex back" the minute we'd split)

Not texting or calling him to beg and plead, say "I miss you" and "let's make this work" has, for the first time, left me with my dignity in tact. I gracefully bowed out. And whilst I think of him almost 24 hours a day, I don't act on it. I miss him, but have realised through this process that we were not right for each other and I was hanging onto what the relationship could have been, not what it actually was.

I kept a journal of this experience over the past month and what a ride it's been. It's been really tough to say the least but I am so proud of myself for getting through this. Next 30 days: here I come!

I recommend no contacting for anyone struggling with a break up, no matter which if you ended it.
Xx

Good for you Ami, it's always nice when you get a new hairdo (and a glass of wine , most I get offered at my hairdressers is a cup of tea!)

Anger is a lot easier to deal with than heartbreak, right now I don't feel anything but angry but I know as the days go on I'll start feeling sad. But, once I get through all that, I'll come out the other side and get annoyed at myself for wasting any tears on him, he really isn't worth it. You will too, try to keep that in mind, you won't feel like this forever, the pain lessens in time and the less contact you have the easier it gets.

I'm so glad I found this thread, it's good to know we are not on our own, but shit that so many of us are going through it, if that makes sense.
I know weekends will be hardest for me so I've made plans for Saturday and Sunday day. (Difficult to do anything at night with my Ds.)
There is a silver lining to all this though, my appetite has gone so I may finally shift some of the weight I've put on this last couple of years

I know it will pass. I just have the odd time when it gets overwhelming. Like tonight. My work best friend leaves tomorrow and she’s probably the person I confide in the most. It’s another massive loss. I was thinking about it tonight and just broke down. Everything is changing. She’s seen me through some very very dark times. She’s brilliant and I will miss her so much. She was helping through this and she’ll be gone as well after tomorrow 😢😢

Ami, I get that, my best friend moved 350 miles away last year and I miss her so much. Will you still be in contact with her? I still speak to my friend all the time and although it's not the same as her actually being here, it is nice to have support, even it is through texts and phone calls.

It's horrible when one part of your life falls apart and then other parts of your life change at the same time, it's a lot to deal with.

We’ll stay in touch but she’s retiring (at younger than 50!!) and she has a lot of family stuff going on so I don’t expect to hear from her much. Very sad on top of everything else. I’m going to sleep and think about how I just got through day 9. Friday tomorrow though, always the worst day. Bracing myself xx

Well done on reaching day 9, hope you get the rl support you need, you'll always find support on here.

Hope you sleep well, I'll be around most of tomorrow if you need to talk, either on here or pm x

I made contact today! Why, why, why!

What happened withering, hope you aren't feeling too bad

Well, my counselling wasn't particularly helpful - he's an immature and narcissistic, which I already knew.
I don't know why I did it, but I sent him a link to something he'd like, he replied saying he'd been thinking about me, which made me feel good. I said 'nice things?' and he was just like, thanks for the link I really hope you're ok. Such a slap back. Why did I do it???
I sent back an 'I'm doing great' message but I can see it hasn't gone through, which means he's gone out.
Why couldn't I just live in ignorance?!

Don't beat yourself up, we've all done it. It's awful when you don't get the response you want. It is a lot easier to live in ignorance but it's really hard in the early days. I've been spending a lot of time on the Baggage Reclaim site, the author really puts things in a way that makes me feel better.
If you don't like your counsellor could you try a different one? When I had counselling (first time we split), it was the third one I saw that I seemed to gel with.

His actual words were 'is it inappropriate to say that I've been thinking about you today?' Why make it sound suggestive when you don't mean it like that?
Yes, I think I'll change counsellor. She was s but, 'that's sad, I think you need to work on yourself' but no direction as to what that should look like. I think I need a more feisty, 'you go girl' counsellor

He's messing with your head, it's hard at the minute but try to keep in mind that when you do get over him, he will not be happy about it, it will hurt his ego. and you can laugh (just made me think of that Lily Allen song then, think it's called smile) . That text was pretty cruel of him, it IS suggestive, it sounds like his ego wanted stroking.

Your counsellor seems to be reading a script rather than trying to help you move forward, hope your next ones much better.

Withering just start again. Don’t beat yourself up, post here whenever you feel like contacting him. We’ll read your links x

Thanks mum and ami. I felt awful when I woke up but a bit better now in my going to work routine. I can't believe I did it and then got so happy at his text. Day one again I guess ...
Ami I'm so sorry to hear that your work colleague is leaving. I have one that has been very supportive too so I completely get how you feel. It's funny how colleagues are sometimes easier to confide in than family and friends. Not that they're not friends, iyswim!
Let's try and all have a good day xxx

Hope everyone is having a good day- especially withering and ami I feel for you both.
I bloody well cried in front of my ex today - to be fair I was feeling emotional and have bad PMS which doesn't help. But I'm cringing as he's so business like and cold and is totally over me. Arghh!!

I know that feeling user, they look like the person you had a relationship with but it's like it's their evil twin. I really don't understand how they can go from loving and caring to stone cold seemingly overnight.

My ex is meant to be coming round today to pick up his stuff, I told him I'd leave it by the back gate and to come whilst I'm on school run (takes an hour and half), but ds hasn't been well, we've both only had 2 1/2 hours sleep, poor thing is totally blocked up and can't breathe through his nose. So looks like I'll be here when/if he turns up. I hope he doesn't knock though, I'll have to open it if he does as ds can't cope with someone knocking (autism). He probably won't even come. He sent me a text last night saying he knows we will sort things out, he just wants to see his dd, thinks he can stay here and look after ds a couple of times a week and go back to ow a few times a week, he says it's only to see dd but why stay there when dd isn't even there, he really thinks I'm that stupid to believe his lies. I know I shouldn't but I sent a text back, told him I couldn't do that, he doesn't seem to realise that by doing what he's done it's reopened all the old wounds from before, I didn't get a response back.

Hi x

I have plenty of things to keep me occupied. I just can't seem to go NC.

Most I have gone is probably 2 days. I feel I have to respond to every message no matter how irrelevant.

Saw my ex this morning as he needed the car seat to pick up dd later, wish he would buy his own! He says he is finding things tough but I’m pretty certain he is over me. He was an arsehole who didn’t do barely anything for me and my daughter- why am I so sad the relationship is over??? I cried in front of him also.
Have to see him again later as I have to pick dd up after I’ve finished work. Gonna try and keep it together!!

Ex just called me, I answered because he's coming to collect his stuff today. Conversation went like this:
Me - yes
Him - got your money, will leave it with neighbour over road.
Me -right
Him - bye

No mention of him coming to collecting his stuff (he owes me the money), no mention of ds. It's time to block his number isn't it? I feel a bit sick, although I've hardly eaten anything for the past 3 days so that might have something to do with it as well. Could cry but trying not too. Want to text him but know it will make me feel worse, doesn't help I've had hardly any sleep due to ds being ill.

I've blocked him on everything, I don't even want my money back (wasn't a large amount), it's worth the money never to have to hear from him. If he starts turning up at my door I'll call the police.

Mumanddad well done on blocking him. I've not been able to do that. But mine has not contacted me for 10 days either so I don't feel the need to block. Another flashpoint for us is coming tonight as it is the dreaded Friday again. The night we would always be together. He messaged me 2 Friday's ago all apologetic and self pitying but tlast Friday nothing but I think that's because he was travelling so will not have been drunk and miserable. I'm going to have to be strong tonight if anything arrives. I'm going out so the chances of ignoring anything that arrives are slim (after a drink I mean).

User1493423934 why did you cry in front of him? It's not something to feel bad about, I get that it shows the vulnerable side of you but on the flipside he's a cold and unfeeling twerp.

I really like this thread. The support of others going through the same in a non-judgemental (and not boring our friends to death) way is really good. We can all get through this together x

Agreed, this thread has been a god send.
Decided that every time I feel the urge to contact him, I'll post here or call a friend (still haven't told anyone in rl we were properly back together - still too ashamed), they know how much I've done for him though (as a friend), and all think he's disgusting.

I feel better right now because I've taken control and blocked him from everything (he has my email address but has never sent me an email before so I doubt he'll start now). Sister is being great, she's agreed to be the third party for ds so I don't ever have to see or speak to him.
She will see him next week at a family party (her dp's family and ex is good friends with dsis dp), told her I don't want to know what he said or who he's with. I know he'll try talking to her, telling her I've got it all wrong and how hard everything is for him, she will put him straight I'm sure.

Feeling quite proud of myself, he called from another number, I answered, soon as I heard his voice, I said "I don't want to talk to you", I put the phone down and then blocked that number

Well done mumanddad. It must be harder when you have DC together, at least I don't have that I suppose. I don't know how you can manage NC with that long term.

I'm going to have to try hard tonight not to keep checking my phone. I know i'll be cross if he messages me and he might get a response if I've had a vino. Then again the other painful side is that if I see I don't have a message that will make me a bit sad and down too. It's such a difficult situation. I want him to be sad and sorry, but I don't want to hear from him either, in equal measures. It might even be an idea not to take the phone out but I never do that in case I need a taxi later. Ah well, my friend is an absolute hoot so hopefully I won't be thinking about it anyway

Ami could you give your friend your phone and tell her not to give it back till the end of the night?
Really hope you have a great night having a laugh with your friend.

That's the reason I blocked him, I was waiting to see if he'd text or call and I'd be upset if he did or if he didn't, so upset either way, if he can't contact me then I don't ever have to know if he's tried or not. Having a ds together particularly one that is non verbal and has autism is difficult. When I went nc for a year with him, he saw ds at my sisters, because of his lifestyle at the time I wouldn't let him take ds out, as previously when I had allowed him to take ds out, he took him to a working men's club and told me they went to the park. As my ds can't tell me any problems or upsets I have to safeguard him. Right now I never want to see or hear from him again and I hope this feeling continues. Just need to remind myself I got through it last time and I was in a much worse place emotionally than I am this time. He never turned up to collect his stuff, not sure what to do with it really, think I'll give it a week or two and then ask my sisters dp to drop it off if he doesn't mind.

I made it, day 10 done. 👊🏻