30 days no contact

[Songbird86]

Hi all!

Just want to share this because it might be helpful to some of you also experiencing a break up. I have nearly completed 30 days no contact post-break up. (I didn't even know this was a thing until I frantically Googled "how to get your ex back" the minute we'd split)

Not texting or calling him to beg and plead, say "I miss you" and "let's make this work" has, for the first time, left me with my dignity in tact. I gracefully bowed out. And whilst I think of him almost 24 hours a day, I don't act on it. I miss him, but have realised through this process that we were not right for each other and I was hanging onto what the relationship could have been, not what it actually was.

I kept a journal of this experience over the past month and what a ride it's been. It's been really tough to say the least but I am so proud of myself for getting through this. Next 30 days: here I come!

I recommend no contacting for anyone struggling with a break up, no matter which if you ended it.
Xx

Yeah I'd like to know that too! I've only been up an hour and a half and I'm struggling already!

Ladies - it does get better, it takes time and lots of emotions. Just let yourself feel them knowing it's one day at a time
I was with my ex husband for 30 years and he just walked away as if I never existed and I'm dead and buried
I'm in a much better place, I'm bored with thinking about him 24/7

Today I return to work after 23 yrs as a SAHM, I never thought I would be going back at 60 but I'm happy
Tomorrow is another day xxx

Good luck in your new job smokedglass
I'm so glad you've come out the other side!!

Thank you for your inspiration Smokedglass and good luck in your new job/life. I hope your day gets better numbandlost. My relationship was less than a year but I feel worse than when I left my 20 year marriage. I'm glad we can support each other on here, I think I've bored all my real life friends to death with this.

I'm sure one day we won't think about them all the time
Day 4.

So...........a confession.

I lasted 60 hours, until first thing this morning when I couldn't go on any longer and emailed him saying I was sorry/would do things on his terms if it meant having him in my life/valued what we had etc etc. I've not had a reply so far.

I am pathetic aren't I?

Time to restart the clock as at 0800 today. 2 hours in.......

Jx

Aww fallen I hope you are ok because I know how much worse you will feel for him not responding!
We have all been there, next time you feel like contacting him post here and we will try talk you out of it and I will do the same if I'm tempted!
We can all be here for each other

I really miss mine too, no contact is hard but I realised this morning that it's best to think of it as a kind of slow- release medication

I just had to have an email conversation about work. Someone else started the email exchange and I couldn't ignore the reply I needed to give.
Feel rubbish. I'm not counting it though
I had no choice. Just feel shit

Don't feel bad Gin I wouldn't count that as it was work related.
I'm struggling feel really lonely just want to ring for a chat!

Following this thread with interest! I knew I had to go NC with my last partner but miss him so much. Checking my phone a lot and every time it beeps I'm hoping it's him!

Lonliness is without a doubt the hardest part for me too. There's a huge whole in my life where he used to be. I feel it at night the most when I'm in bed aline and I think of him, my heart breaks. I journal at night and right down my feelings and talk to anyone who'll listen! I'm reading a book too called "It's Called a Breakup because it's Broken" which is really helpful!

Hi Songbird. It is the loneliness that is the undoing of me so you have my total sympathy. Despite falling off the wagon so to speak this morning, I have started a journal like you recommended. To begin, I am journaling the answers to the 7 Healing Questions that I found on this website

www.marsvenus.com/blog/lauren-gray/how-to-get-closure-in-8-simple-steps

I have done it this afternoon and it has been a HUGE help to try to sort the wood from the trees.

Jx

I broke and responded to a text message and now I feel awful.
In tears and a mess again!
How am I going to get through 30 days when I can't get through 1

I know Numb. I'm the same. I only lasted 60 hours. It's cr*p isn't it? I just feel completely useless, and not in control.

I did find starting a journal a big help. Question 6 of the 7 question thingy is "What do you understand about what HE’s going through?". And of course in my case he's not that bothered. He just shrugged his shoulders and said "fine". So when I wrote this down earlier I was actually p*ssed off about that. He is very arrogant so the email I sent this morning will have him thinking “I told you so” and he’ll not reply – or if he does he will make me sweat for a few days. Again when I wrote this down and read it back to myself I was annoyed. Hopefully the beginning of starting realise that he wasn't that great after all. Which he was of course :-((. I need a good kicking don't I. Jx

Thanks fallen. I'll check that out later tonight! Lauren grey is fab though, seen her site before!

I responded to his message today that he went yesterday, which marks the 30 days. I gave him my new address to forward my post to and was polite but didn't ask him questions. He responded back to me when, quite frankly, a response wasn't needed. And if it was needed a short "thanks I'll post it on" would suffice, but he said he was pleased I'd found somewhere to live and that he hoped things were still on track for my masters in September. With a smiley face! I haven't replied.

Argh! So annoying when they do this. Like they're testing the waters to make sure they've still got you hanging there!
That's how I feel when I get responses like that anyway

This is what I need to do, been with H for 9'years but the marriage broke down 2 months ago due to many reasons. We have a DS 4 so no contact isn't really an option. Today I've spent most of the day crying and to top it off I'm 3 months pregnant. I've never felt such pain and miss him terribly. I have my 12 week scan tomorrow, I'll be on my own. Not sure if he'll even ask how it goes.

You see Songbird, I see his message completely differently to you.
It was all positive and nicey nicey, which says to me that he is trying to prove a point to you that he is fine when actually he's not! - it's just a cover up!

I'm doing this too. Day 7 today. Mine was barely even a FWB but his horrible behaviour just pushed me over the edge. My last message to him was to say I thought we should stop and that I want something better than this. Now I have to stick to it. I can't backtrack now or I will lose all
self respect (again).

My main worry is that he will text me just to get me hooked again and I will fall for it because I'm feeling so lonely 😬

Also, I've been listening to some of Alan Robarge's videos on youtube. I find them really helpful.

How's everyone getting on today? I'm failing. I've got to see him later when he comes for the children.
Songbird I think that was him trying to get a response from you, trying to get into a conversation. I think you've done really well if you haven't replied.
Hope I can get to that stage.

I'm really impressed with your 30 days songbird. Do you feel different about him yet?

I remember reading a good book - I hated it at the time - but just kept on reading and reading - every time I thought of him and felt sad I just read - its called 'if it hurts, it isn't love'. I can see this now but I couldn't at time time.

Mostly our pain is caused by our thoughts - why do we choose to punish ourselves in this way?

Going 30 days though is a positive way to help break free from old punishing patterns of behaviour. Are you going to try another 30?

30 days for me today, here's to next 30! It will be good to see how long the process actually takes.

Well done guys!! It's an amazing achievement to get to any amount of days, let alone 30 days, you should all be super proud and keep pushing through, it gets easier!

it got easier for me. In some ways he made it easier because he didn't contact me at all until day 29, so I just waited 24 hours before a reply. It might have been a very different story had he been contacting me when I was going 30 days NC. I feel stronger now and I haven't replied back. My mind keeps going there, thinking I should engage in conversation and maybe we can make it work. But I suspect he hasnt worked on himself or his part in why things fell apart at all. Why would he when he saw me as the problem? What would be different this time around? He didn't want to make it work no matter what so I have to stay away from him no matter what.

*Thought for the day ladies:
Play that movie through, fast forward and see how things will play out if you make contact or respond to him. Don't repeat the same things and expect a different result, if nothing changes then nothing changes.