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Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

(966 Posts)
onitlikeacarbonnet Sun 18-Jun-17 01:20:22

This is thread 4 shock

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

Mix56 Sun 18-Jun-17 06:54:56

Birthday party then a sleep over, Yee Gods, you are superhuman !
I could only fall onto the sofa & swear there would never be any more birthday parties, as I waved the last departing kid off with a rictus of a smile !!
So LCB didn't want to come to the party ? (I jest)
He will be saying, next year it's my turn to have them on their birthdays, oh but wait, I only have a one bedroom flat in a town too far away to do it in, & the OW would have to go out, because she doesn't even have an iota of nouse around children because he can't stand you having all the fun. tosser

thethoughtfox Sun 18-Jun-17 09:02:44

I followed your previous threads. You sound amazing. flowers

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour Sun 18-Jun-17 09:57:19

You still rock. Love the new thread title. Thanks for starting another one x

ProseccoBitch Sun 18-Jun-17 10:05:30

I've watched all your threads but don't usually comment, so do keep posting as I'm sure there's lots of people like me who are silently cheering you on. Tough time with all the anniversaries but the first ones are the worst and you're doing really well.

onitlikeacarbonnet Sun 18-Jun-17 10:07:04

He did want to come.
Apparently he has organised a family BBQ for next weekend. I wonder if I'd be welcome if I asked? (I jest)
Ow is a guide leader (hmm) so presumably can organise plenty of fun. And obviously has plenty of time in which to do it.
He's asked to see her on her birthday but it's not his day so tough. He's seeing them today as it's Father's Day.

onitlikeacarbonnet Sun 18-Jun-17 10:20:02

Sorry xposted.

Thanks for the cheerleading. I'm very happy to know that what's happened to me and my dc can have some positive effect on others.
These threads and all the amazing people who've posted have helped me move through this feeling hope for the future.

And the ones who said I'd look back and feel happier were right.
There's still uncertainty in the future but I feel much more capable of coping with what is to come because I've coped (or at least survived) what's already gone and that's been the worst that could ever happen. And, barring the unspeakable, there's not a huge amount of disaster that hasn't already happened.

AgathaF Mon 19-Jun-17 10:10:08

So many people cheering you on onit. I'm glad you've started a new thread, and love the sassy thread title grin.

You've come a long way, your dc are doing fine, LCB is learning that you are a kick ass sort of a woman (which must piss him off no end grin). All good stuff.

onitlikeacarbonnet Mon 19-Jun-17 13:09:36

I have counselling in an hour or so.

I do feel I've turned a corner with the custody stuff but I have a lawyers appointment tomorrow and I still have an ominous feeling of the calm before another storm.

I have been binging though. I need to get a handle on it. Dd's birthday has meant lots of junk in the house. But after Wednesday (her actual birthday) there should be no more in the house.
The ad's have increased appetite and weight gain as side effects and I guess that could be why but I feel like that's just an excuse.
I feel awful because I've put on a stone and my clothes are getting tight. I'm still trying to get to the gym a couple of times a week but I can't outrun the 18 blush packets of crisps and litre of mint choc chip blushblush I ate last week!

I need a kick up my not inconsiderable arse!

nigelsbigface Mon 19-Jun-17 23:47:47

Me too-this is the biggest I've been for a long time sad.
Lovely new thread- I remember your first one Very clearly-my word what a journey you have been on. And how brilliantly you are (still) doing.

onitlikeacarbonnet Tue 20-Jun-17 07:40:05

Did better food wise yesterday. And my meal plan and shop has been done. Though there will be a bit of cake tomorrow for dd's birthday.

I did something silly on Sunday. But I did glean some satisfaction from it.
Handover of the dc happened at their class. They have bags of stuff to take with them whic were by the door along with his gift and card(which I had bought halo) when we were rushing out, I told them to grab their stuff. Of course, they took bags but not the gift.
So, when I returned home after handover, I did a few things round the house, went to the gym and, halfway through my workout, I texted him to say I'd left it on his front step.

I knew he'd not be at the flat, but it gave me great satisfaction to know that the chocolates would spend the afternoon melting in the 25° heat.
It did cross my mind when I was dropping them off on the way to the gym that ow might be in the flat waiting for the dc to finish their classes. But, if she was there, I don't know as the curtains were all closed. Presumably he does that because he's not there most of the time.

BF is going away with work again so it'll be probably 3 weeks till we can meet again sad.
It'll also be the school holidays by then so I'll not have daytimes like I do now. So could be even longer.
I guess the holidays could be make or break time.

Anyway, lawyers today to discuss finances, mortgage, legal aid etc.
I'll update after.

Mix56 Tue 20-Jun-17 10:16:37

You could always organise to go to a friends !!! or maybe someone could baby sit ???
Good Luck for rdv

Mix56 Tue 20-Jun-17 10:17:02

organise DC to go to friends I mean.

onitlikeacarbonnet Tue 20-Jun-17 17:07:59

My lawyer has sent a letter to LCB's lawyer stating that any interim payment would require an agreement to be drafted and, as we are only waiting on the dwp, my preference would be to wait and draft a full and final settlement agreement.

I'd suggested to my lawyer he'd balk at having to pay.

I asked about legal aid and was reassured that the money I have saved would likely be seen as part of what I owe LCB so would not count towards the LA threshold but that, if it turns out I'm not eligible, I can pay my bill by installments.
I certainly don't want to be applying for a mortgage when I have no idea how much I need to borrow.

I'm thinking I might go and upgrade my car though. As when this is all done, I will be much poorer and less able to afford it.
A car is an allowable expense regardless of it being worth £500 or £50,000.

I will also contact a roofer to give me an estimate for repairs and/or maintenance as it will need doing at some point.
I might even splash out on someone to finish my kitchen. It's all new units but the walls still have bare brick in places and I still have polystyrene tiles as a suspended ceiling.

I've been syphoning money over the last year but I need to do some more of that. Better to have it under the mattress than in the bank.

I also asked about getting a divorce and it is usually the case that whoever brings the action pays for it so I guess I'll see how desperate he is to divorce me once the finances are sorted.

I discussed with my counsellor yesterday that he might try to punish me for what happened at mediation. So I'm on guard for hearing about their engagement or a baby or the massive big house they're going to buy.
I couldn't give a shit frankly other than I think any of those things might have an impact on the dc. Especially if they have a baby. How do these men explain to their dc they have a new child that they live with after they chose to leave them? I just can't comprehend.

I am so hungry I want to chew my own arm off sad
But, apart from lots of coffee, I've resisted the temptation.
Eggs and beans for tea should fill a hole. But I'll be up late waiting for BF to call after he finishes work.
I have humous, oatcakes and, if necessary, strawberries to snack on later.

Can't get to the gym because my back is killing me sad

AgathaF Tue 20-Jun-17 19:37:42

Sounds like a productive appointment with your lawyer.

Have you tried low-carbing to lose weight? Tends to work pretty quickly, and it's much easier in the hot weather too.

onitlikeacarbonnet Tue 20-Jun-17 20:54:11

I've been toying with the idea of low carb but I honestly don't think I can live without vegetables.
I know I can have some, and the FB fat club I'm on has a couple of women who've done really well. But, so have I.
I've got my gp appointment in a week to discuss how I'm getting on with these ad's. I will ask about the weight gain. TBH, the other side effects are shit too but, after all my hard work losing nearly 7 stone, it's devastating that in just over six weeks I've put over a stone back on sad.

Wallywobbles Tue 20-Jun-17 21:51:22

There's always slim and save as a quick alternative for the weight loss. I lost 4.5 Stone with it. And I actually like It. Today I went to court for the 5th time in 9 years against my ex and it went well all considered. So I'm cheering for you and me.

AgathaF Tue 20-Jun-17 22:02:46

I miss veg too when I low carb, but that's why I think it's easier in hot weather, because I don't really want veg etc at the moment, just lovely big salads with my meals.

You really have done fantastically well to lose 7 stone.

Glad today went well for you Wally.

nigelsbigface Tue 20-Jun-17 22:46:27

What's slim and save?
Sounds good re the lawyer onit.keep on truckin'

Wallywobbles Wed 21-Jun-17 06:38:10

@nigelsbigface it's a VLCD. It sort of works because it takes all the choices away from you beyond which packet or bar you are going to have. You can add in 200g of veg which is a lot of lettuce! I have IBS and it's been a game changer for that. Not for everyone though and it means no alcohol for 12 weeks.

Onit you seem to be doing well overall I think. The point I was making is that it can be really slow progress. We were divorced in 5 weeks which was very quick but 9 years later still in court. Our case is different in that it's now about the kids cutting contact through their choice following abusive alcohol fueled behavior on his part which reached such a bad point 3 years ago that the girls were scared to go back.

Anyway I digress. Congrats on moving forwards.

Mix56 Wed 21-Jun-17 07:54:36

Low carb diet allows all sorts of veg. other than pots, & various tubers. (go lightly on toms/onions/beans/peas
the one I do has a 3 day start period, then I eat typically meat/fish/omelette & veg, salads, cheese (small amounts)
the hard part is the booze, but I can pretend with diet tonic & ice & lemon ! LCD works for me, as I simply am not hungry.
As a starter, if I don't eat bread/anything with flour basically, & pots, I deflate like a stuck balloon.

onitlikeacarbonnet Wed 21-Jun-17 10:50:52

Wally I'm pleased for you. I can't imagine having this drag in for 9 years shock though I guess as my youngest is just 6, it has potential for that.
I'm sure LCB won't ever get the message to leave me the fuck alone.
Unless I have a man in my life.
LCB is a coward before much else and if/when I have a new partner out in the open, it might make him back off a little.

Dd has had a lovely morning opening her cards and presents and we had a family karaoke session after breakfast.
She's gone to school with lots of sweets to share, and a birthday girl badge.
She wants fish and chips from the chippy for tea and obviously lots of cake.
And I see how things are better for all of us as they were at school before I realised that no one had really mentioned daddy.
Because this is their normal, our normal. He's not missed anymore. Probably not been for a long time but today I properly, consciously noticed it.

I've deliberately not made plans today. I need to rest and relax. Despite not working, I rarely have any time for doing nothing. I usually have BF to visit or meet friends or stuff to do.
I'm not doing that today. I'm off for a mid morning bath now and maybe a nap.
I might put a wash on but then again, maybe not.
Later lovely ladies brew

MsPavlichenko Wed 21-Jun-17 12:57:26

No plan sounds like one. Great you all enjoyed this morning, though with my DD always tears later on! Nothing to do with XH not being there, just her thing!

You are doing so well, I'm in awe. I think that not only is this the "new" normal, it is in fact a far better one. Regardless of what house, less "stuff" whatever, you're all happier in this unit. Of course they love their Dad, and will miss him (you might sometimes), but as you are realising it was a toxic, controlling relationship and you are all so much better out of it.

onitlikeacarbonnet Wed 21-Jun-17 20:15:59

I've searched mn for info on mirtazapine and it appears that weight gain is a massive issue with it sad
It's not the only side effect that's bothering me but after doing so well, it's very upsetting to think I'm going to go so far back.
I think I need to discuss other options anyway but I think this will be the deal breaker. How shallow of me blush

AgathaF Wed 21-Jun-17 20:27:51

It's not shallow at all. How we look and how we feel about ourselves is very important to our mental health and self-esteem. If this medication is causing you to put weight on at that rate then you are absolutely right to discuss it with your gp and see if there is something else you could take instead. There will be alternatives, but gps tend to use the cheapest and most popular options first, then change them if they don't suit.

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