Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

You’re right of course.

I don’t want to be right Onit. Our two are kindred spirits. It just doesn’t take a lot to work LCB out.

What Teisan said. It's annoying that he did it but it's not unacceptable iyswim? You friend can just say no if she wants to-she doesn't have to give a reason. According to MN 'no' is a complete sentence

OK, I am with you that he should be able to have a quick look to see there is nothing "untoward", but we know LCB, & he will be looking to see if there are any msgs from Onit to DS, what they say, & what he can glean.
I still maintain that DS should turn the phone off when he isn't using it.. If LCB wants to look he will have to ask !

Hi onit just catching up. I liked what you said about them sensing our reaction even if our response is calm. That is so true. And I suspect that the less we show them the more they up the ante to try to get a response. They crave that. As we get stronger and more in control, they get more and more extreme in their knobishness. Just my theory. But eventually we really will not care and they will have lost the ability to influence us at all and they will look pathetic. Do not feed the narcissist!

Also, very exciting about meeting BF and his DC. Less is more with most teen boys!!

As for going to court to explain that he chose to move miles away and chose to have a baby with the OW, but oh dear, poor him, it's not so convenient for him to see his DC as agreed.... hahahah... how embarrassing to admit in public that he is THAT stupid and entitled.

I still maintain that DS should turn the phone off when he isn't using it.. If LCB wants to look he will have to ask !

Presumably he did ask the lad if he could have the phone number or if he could look himself for the phone number because the lad knew LCB had had the phone. He mentioned it to Onit.

To put anything in place with regards to the phone when the lad is with LCB is to going to put him in a horrible position. It’s using him against his dad. It would also have LCB laughing his socks off at what he’ll see as Onits paranoia.

If the phone really is an issue all that’s necessary is for any messages on it to be deleted before the kids go to their dads. Or for it not to be taken to their dads at all.

One way or another LCB will make contact with other parents if that’s what he wants to do. The phone is small fry and putting a child bang slap in the middle of what’s going on by way of the phone isn’t fair on him.

It sounds like he is trying to start to play the role of a Good Parent who does things like normal parents do - like enabling sleepovers. I'd wonder what was in it for him (given his form). Perhaps part of the public persona of someone who wants to be seen in a certain way. But, by whom, and what for? Is he trying to reduce maintenance by increasing time with him? Is he trying to impress OW and her family with his Good Dad actions?

I think you’ve got it in a nutshell SlowDown.

when the friend asks him back, who's w/e will it be on ?

I spoke to bf about it last night to get a dads perspective and he asked for a minute to think about it before going “nah! That’s weird”
However he then asked his ds. Gave him the scenario and his ds made a valid point (and one which may have been missed given these are 8yr old boys), as he said my dad texting my friends Mum is fine but my friend would need to tell his mum to expect a text from my dad. So it wouldn’t be a surprise to the Mum. If that makes sense I’ll be amazed .
I’m not used to benefit of the doubt when lcbs concerned but in this case perhaps it’s ok.
He’s still a gigantic asshat though

Onit i have followed your threads and think you are amazing with what you are going through.

My DS is the same age as yours, we often have his friend over and can have mum drop off and Dad pick up which is fine. I’m not sure how I’d feel though about DS having a sleepover at the dads I guess ultimately if my DS was happy to go I would give it a go and see how he got on (bearing in mind I know the dad so he’s not a stranger) but I’d also want to make sure my friend (DS friend mum) was ok with it too otherwise I’d happily say no to it. Maybe something you and your friend need to work out and make sure you are both comfortable with it.

A pp also makes a good point about what happens when friend invites DS back and it’s his weekend.

Maybe its me, but I wonder if on the return invitation,
If its your w/e LCB will say he doesn't pay you maintenance on the those days as DS wasn't there, & (will he only have DD ?)
or, he will say you have to suck up the return visit, therefore look the meanie if you say "no I want to see my DC at the w/e"
or, is he inviting a friend for DD also the same w/e, then he can maybe organise them to go on the return invite on the same w/e & therefore use it against you in some way.

If that makes sense I’ll be amazed

It makes perfect sense to me because its a version of whats happens here with added cultural aspects.

If I was your friend Onit, I would reply to the text with 'Do not text this number again'. Then I would arrange a sleepover with you for our DC to enjoy.

But I am a little biased

Simply if she is your friend, she can say "They have sleepovers at Onits."

Just back from visiting the bf with the dc.
Did changeover with lcb on the way home.
I didn’t make an idiot of myself with his dc and my dc like him.

Once I’ve calmed myself down I will have more to say maybe but it’s good I think.

Thank l really pleased it went well Onit. And aren’t you the foxy one doing the changeover on the way back. 😂

I offered because it’d save the dc an extra hour in the car as bf lives 90 minutes away.
Dickhead lcb took my offer and suggested I drive them straight to his flat.
Bear in mind it’s been over a year since I stopped doing any drop offs or pick ups on the advice of ladies here.
I reiterated my offer last night and got no reply so this morning I said I’ll assume you’ll collect from home as you’ve not replied.
He very quickly replies if I won’t take them to him obviously he’ll take the offer.

When will I learn to stop offering him an inch?
It seems even when it’s for the dcs benefit he wants more and more.

I think I’m slow.
I just don’t learn.

I said I’ll assume you’ll collect from home as you’ve not replied - that got the desired result though, so well done on that.

Really glad the meet went well. I expect the DC will tell lcb a bit about it. Just imagining how that's going to make him feel .

I think I’m slow.
I just don’t learn

Trust me Onit. You’re not alone in this and I sincerely believe it’s part and parcel of being married to these men.

I’m further down the road than you in regards to dealing with this kind of mind but just a few days ago I did something that left me feeling stupid till I put my ‘he is a psychopath’ head on and I very soon sorted it out in my mind.

It’s a complete and utter headfuck even when your well on the way to sticking two fingers up in the air and saying - you do of course know you’re a psychopath.

To be honest I now don’t feel very bad for very long when I’ve been human. I’m allowed that.

And to echo Agatha - didn’t you do well.

You’ve introduced the children to your BF and drove straight into the lions den all on the same day.

LCB won’t know his arse from his elbow.

And yes you’ll probably be punished for it but don’t forget you now know him and he doesn’t.

I still find it hard to get out of the mindset of trying to appease mine. Made harder still that his reactions when I don't make life extremely hard work. We'll all get there in the end, but there's a fine line between being the bigger person and being a doormat, and I get it blurred too often I think.

Most importantly the meet up went well! Excellent news

They don’t realise maybe that we were putting our own wants aside during our relationship and now that they’re not our priority anymore they just can’t understand why we’re now so difficult?
Or they thought their wants were the same as ours and now they can’t understand why our opinions have changed maybe?

I wonder if their new gf’s are not quite at the doing everything their way stage yet and so they still feel the need to get satisfaction from us?
Maybe when the poor bitches get there the wankers will leave us be

Yay, great news Onit, Glad it all went well & bf's DC didn't shun you !

Will he use this & expect more drops now though ? ( it may be if he does take this to court that he will demand 50/50 drop offs. ?)

All of the above I'd say...
The new gf's will still be in the appeasing stage and the men will be keeping the fact that they are selfish twats on the downlow...it will be a real shame when the act inevitably gets dropped and they realise what sort of man they actually have...though I don't think I'll be spending too much time feeling sorry for the woman in my case tbh...