Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

"Arrangements for the summer remain as agreed in mediation with no deviations required."

I still advise not replying. He is not the boss of you. You do not need to answer him. It takes a while to "un-learn" your responses to him.

Only contact him when YOU want something.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

He wants an answer on Monday. He doesn't not need an answer on Monday. Send your response on Tuesday, earliest. Personally I'd go with Wednesday morning and ignore any pestering in between.

Yes you need him to know you are not discussing it. You also need him to know that you don't obey his commands any more.

He is also treating you like an idiot, checking that you understood, because obviously you are an idiot and he has to check you understand. Cheeky bastard. Don't confirm that you understand!

"I will stick to the agreements made at mediation. If you are unclear about what was agreed, I suggest you contact the mediator for clarification."

After discussing with my counsellir, I sent the very edited reply.
She pointed out that by ignoring or replying at stroke of midnight (which was so tempting ) was just game playing. And, as he continues to treat me like a child, my best defence is to behave like an adult.

Hopefully he won't reply.

Do you feel relieved?

good point from councillor, it's easy to over think plot but it doesn't mean you have to dance to his tune.
You will respond when it suits you!

I'm not sure rabbit.
I don't think I'll ever feel relief. Which is quite shit really but I definitely don't want to be fretting over the holidays.
If he replies I'll seriously consider changing my email address and giving him the new one to use and only checking it once a week.

Just back from th gp and he's switched my drugs. I now have a script for sertraline? Anyone any experience of it? I know it's the same family as Prozac and citalopram. I couldn't bring myself to mention the lack of orgasm when I was on the citalopram so I suppose I'll just need to see how I get on with it.
I need to wean off the mertazipine for a week. And he gave me a line for another 4 weeks. I didn't have to ask. I think I just looked particularly shit today

Anyway, I've got loads this week. Ds has a hospital appointment this afternoon re his constipation/bed wetting.
Constipation has sorted itself out but his bed wetting has ramped up recently. He wets at his dads at least 50% of the time. Probably at home closer to 10% but last few weeks it's been closer to 20%.
We've been lax with his routine though as he's not been going to sleep as early. And I know his bedtime is considerably later at his fathers.
We chatted last night about it, did everything by the book and he was dry this morning so that's good.

Later folks

I also looked into the freedom programme but the nearest is at least an hour away. I'd hoped there'd be something more local

could you do it en route to seeing bf ?? :o)

Love your thinking mix
You sound like me with the to do list, trying to do everything in the most efficient manner.
Most people think I'm über organised don't tell them it's pure laziness and means I can sit on my arse for longer

You're doing so well onit. Everytime I read your updates you have made more progress. You can do the Freedom Programme online - how's that for organised??

Sertraline has the least side effects of any of the common anti d's, but it might knock your sleep a bit. If you are on one tablet a day, take it in the morning if you can.
Good news is it only affects libido in men if at all!

With my clients it seems to be the one that takes the longest to work however-6-8 weeks seems normal to see an effect, so you have to stick with it.

Take a look at whether it's worth you doing the freedom programme online

Thank you for the info on sertraline, nigel. I feel reassured that it'll have less side effects.
I did ask the doc about weight gain and he said it wasn't indicated on sertraline. Be nice if it went the opposite way for a month or 2 to get this stone back off.
Not so bothered about the sleep issues as I've been so drowsy on the mirtazipine and still only sleeping 5 or so hours, it can't be much worse.

Ds's appointment went well this afternoon too and we had a couple of hours just the 2 of us which was great. It happens so little now. Been nearly a year since we had more than half an hour to play mariokart.

I've just opened and email from LCB which has me shaking.
In itself it's nothing. A reasonable plea to see more of his children and for us to work on communicating better.
I've texted my counsellor to see if she can chat but in the meantime I'm weeding in order that I don't run away.

By "us to work on communicating better", he actually means you to jump to his every email/text/phone request and get an answer back to him pronto.

"A reasonable plea to see more of his children" - well he would see more of them if he didn't dump them with his parents, wouldn't he?

Please ignore it. He's pissed off that you've taken some control back. Don't relinquish it now just because he is trying a different tactic. He wanted mediation, he got it. That's the type of communication he wanted - the type where you are the one jumping through hoops for him. Don't reply - there is noting to reply to.

Carry on with the weeding and keep away from the computer.

Onit, I suspect you're shaking as an learned response to LCB. Hopefully in a little while you'll have stopped shaking and see this email for what it is. If you do have to answer just make it along the lines of, Im happy with our arrangements as they stand.

What agatha said...ignore.
You have a custody agreement in place-done.
You are communicating fine via mediator-and via other means day to day stuff re kids-again done.

This is what he wanted presumably when he fucked off with another woman.not your fault if he doesn't like it now and not inherent in you to improve the situation to his liking.

The weeding has helped me stop shaking.
My counsellor can speak later but I've said only if the dc go out to play.
I'm praying the rain stays off now.

I have only read through it once.
I don't want to read it again.
About him in floods of tears and how I had agreed things last summer and gone back on it.
How he thinks I'm babying my ds and holding them back.
That I didn't tell him about ds's hospital appointment yesterday. (While it's entirely possible I didn't, I'd never have deliberately kept it from him)
That he feels like an uncle to his kids and he wants to be their dad.

He's a grade A cunt. I've been off MN for a while, I'm glad to see how very, very far you've come in the last few months

If you want to look at low carb (I'm going back a few days here!) there's an excellent low carb boot camp thread at the moment, it's 6 weeks in but you can join any time.

I eat low carb and there's LOADS of veg you can eat, as well as berries if you like fruit. I'm eating cauliflower and broccoli cheese right now, followed by raspberries and extra thick double cream

Well for fucks sake, he fucked off with his bint... No he doesn't see DC as much, he left them, he walked out on the "family" he can fucking suck it up.
so what if he didn't know about hospital aptmt? booo hoooo
Pathetic.
what about popping back a mail, saying,
"Oh fucking diddums, poor you, boo fucking hoo".
Tosser

Oh it's tempting mix but I'm seriously sitting here thinking he could sway a judge if it came to it.
I'm worried all over again

onit you could also try 5:2, there's a fantastic and long running support thread.

Don't read the e-mail again. You need to set up your account so everything from him is automatically filtered into a folder you can't see immediately. Then you check it once a week at a pre-determined time, or even better, have a trusted friend check it for you and summarize anything that actually needs dealing with, without his emotive and manipulative language.

It just makes me rage on your behalf that he think it's even an option To go for that sort of emotional blackmail a year on.

Ignore him. Or if you have to reply just say that for every action in life there is a consequence. He sadly chose a different path to the one he was on with you and your children as a family-he is now living the life he chose. And leave it at that.

I get a watered down version of this-exh poor me-Ing and banging on about how he misses the kids.Yes-until you give up your time with them to go away for a week with your mates or fuck off for the weekend with your girlfriend.It just doesn't wash really...

OK, I agree !!! is this better ?
"If you are so bothered, consider spending time with them instead of dumping them on there grandparents" Sob Sob Tosser"
:o)