Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

their !

On it, I haven't commented before but I've been following from the beginning.

LCB has seen his control and ability to manipulate you slip from his grasp. You stood firm at mediation which he didn't like so he tried again with his email a few days ago. You reiterated YOUR control by sending your non-engaging reply to him.

So now he's switched tact that he sees the bullying won't work he's going to tug on the heart strings and try his emotional blackmail.

Please don't fall for it. His email is all about him, how he feels and what he wants nothing about the kids best interests. He highlights that by saying you are babying DS. You said yourself your DS wets his bed less when he is at home with you. What does that tell you? That he feels safe and secure with you and that you are so in tune to your DS and his feelings and needs.

I can't say the same about that low life cumstain LCB.

See this latest email for what it is. Another ploy to get what HE wants.

A judge isn't going to see this any differently and if your DH or his lawyer thought so then they would have had you in court by now.

Chin up don't let that sleekit rat get you down

Agree with minime.

He's twigged that he's not getting anywhere with his bullying tactics so done a complete 360 and now pulling the heartstrings.

Stand firm. We're all behind you

About him in floods of tears and how I had agreed things last summer and gone back on it.
How he thinks I'm babying my ds and holding them back.
That I didn't tell him about ds's hospital appointment yesterday. (While it's entirely possible I didn't, I'd never have deliberately kept it from him)
That he feels like an uncle to his kids and he wants to be their dad

Oh FFS. He chose the path that he then willingly and knowingly put you all on. He now needs to fucking live with that choice, just like you and the dc have been having to do for the last year. You didn't get that choice.

If he's not managing to engage properly with the dc, he needs to work on that, not expect you to solve that for him.

If he wants to go to court he can. He wont because, 1. no good lawyer will suggest he does, especially where you live and 2. it's not about the DC. It is about you taking back control of your own life, and him sensing this.

This is why I am wary of any contact via email. You are at mediation for a good reason, and that is where discussions/arrangements are made. I suggest again, reading Living with the Dominator, and the Freedom Programme online. It is so hard to break the relationship dynamic, I know, despite what has happened. And it's natural to want to think as well as you can about the father of your DC.

Your Counsellor seems excellent. But if she's not had a lot of experience of controlling abusers she may be suggesting solutions that just don't work with these type of people. Not replying to his (unnecessary) emails is not game playing. It is you protecting yourself, and the DC from this type of manipulative bullshit that is designed only to unsettle you, and get back inside your head. Where he thinks you should be!

Ignore, ignore, ignore. And I know that's not the easiest option, but in the longer term it's the best. If he was really concerned he'd have made these points last week at mediation. And, he'd realise that it's just early days and that as time goes on communication may well improve, and as the DC get older, and IF they feel secure in the new circumstances arrangements may well be more flexible.

He's a prick. You are so well shot.

I have looked at the freedom programme MsPav but the nearest course is an hour away. And the online course says it's £120
I will have a look for the book too. I've not been ignoring your suggestions, I just forget if I don't do things immediately.

I've forwarded LCB's email to my counsellor but spoke to her a little about some of the bits I could remember.
She's aware he is a psychopath and at first even suggested not going to mediation to avoid his manipulation.

And yes, he's is a prick.

The book itself was like an epiphany and I know you're not ignoring!

You are doing amazingly well, I struggled for far longer believe me. This too will pass. Onwards and upwards!

onit may I gently suggest you look at the pricing of the online course again? I paid £10 for it last week.

I've downloaded the book for free on kindle unlimited. I'll take a look over the weekend.

Spent a day with bf basically ignoring everything. Need to phone my boss tomorrow. And probably my lawyer too. Had a letter from him with LCBs letter from the dwp saying his additional state pension has no value. This is the second letter he's had like this. I've had one now awaiting this one too.
His lawyer wants to give up on the dwp and draft the separation agreement without it.
My lawyer wants to know what I think.

Any of you pension specialists?

Not a pension specialist, but we just did our legal separation agreement without state pension- didn't seem to worth dragging it all out for.

Thanks stormsurfer I just don't want to be shortchanged.
Also I searched again and found the proper link to the freedom programme.
£10. Cha-Ching.
I think it's £120 if you want to buy the resources to teach it.

Ah that's good news. I'm just starting it online too. I'm hoping it helps me unlearn my reactionary responses to STBXH. I did wonder whether I was being shortchanged on the pension- but compared to the 100K of his he "forgot" and the extra 50K he tried to claim I had even though it was a completely distinct pension clearly from before marriage, state pension was small potatoes and I wanted it all over.

Chances are it'll be small potatoes in my case too. It's 9 years. I had 2 maternity leaves and went from full time management to part time management to part time minimum wage.
But it's unlikely to make much difference. It didn't in the case of our work pensions and he'd had as many promotions as I'd had backward steps.

In your case it might balance a wee bit out of the chunk he is trying to make you pay him back so may be worth waiting for? I'm not sure, but you've waited this long anyway...

I didn't even think about state pension as I too just wanted it all over... my stbexh's is probably quite a bit... but tbh like storm it was enough faff to get him to admit the rest of his assets, shares etc...

Mine like yours Onit seems to be dragging on interminably... where are you re applying for divorce, I can't remember if you have or not? I think I will feel much better mentally when my divorce comes through.

I decided after speaking to my lawyer to let him bring the divorce action if he wants it so badly.
It matters not one jot to me.
Plus, if he does it he has to pay.
I want the separation agreement signed as that's us finally uncoupled. That'll be my breakthrough I think. Because it will stop all negotiations. At least the big ones.
I'm only concerned about my financial situation and my dcs future happiness and, if I'm married to the cunt or not, it doesn't affect us either way.

Me too onit the other parts were more important to me to sort out. And also worth spending the Monday on solicitors. I must have paid about 6-8K out in total, but to me that was worth it as I got the house for the children's stability. I told him he could divorce me. Costs about £1000 in Scotland when you have DC under 16, so as it wasn't so important to me, better in my pocket than his!!

Hi Onit posted before but under different username. I too have been told not to worry about state pension. Did request valuation but was also told there was no value for both mine and STBXH. Think it is something to do with a change in how they do it now. Was told by my lawyer it wasn't worth worrying about it in the grand scheme of things. I have also been told that unless I am in hurry to do so that I should let him raise the divorce since then he will have to pay it. It does seem like the main thing is as long as you have the separation agreement sorted then that is most important part for Scottish divorces. It sounds like we are both at very similar stages of our separation agreements. Mine feels so close yet somehow so far away. My solicitor has some brilliant ideas as to how I can keep my house but has admitted it will be a hard sell to STBXH. But when it is now all 'no fault' divorces I feel it is the least he can accept when he chose to leave me and his kids for OW. It is amazing how entitled they feel despite all the disruption and heartache they have caused. Surely there must be some consequences for their selfishness? Just need to keep telling ourselves we are almost there and then we will be free!

ontobigger it is amazing how many of us are in similar positions and at roughly the same stage. I got my separation agreement signed 2 months ago but the details of it are still being sorted out. I am so happy I eventually kept the house, but it took so long and so many solicitors letters and expense and I agree with you- surely they must have thought about what would happen to the kids and been prepared to provide a roof over their heads? We will soon be free though.

Yes! The consequences!
None whatsoever apparently for lying, cheating and being a total cunt.

Thanks stormsurfer I am concerned at how much it is costing me. I have already spent close to double what I was told was their estimate of how much a separation agreement should cost. All because of his delays. He started the legal process (quite underhandedly too!!) yet it is my solicitor who has been the one who has constantly had to chase things up. Even he has commented how my STBXH keeps saying he wants it all sorted quickly yet STBXH is the one that is continually delaying it. I am already a good 6 months past the date they said it should be completed by and nothing has been agreed yet for an agreement to be written.
Definitely Onit no consequences at all for anything they have done. It always feels like I am being the unreasonable one. I get the impression from quite lot of your posts that your STBXH thinks the same of you. I am genuinely freaked out at times when you post some of the things your STBXH says. It is quite often the same or very similar to some of what my STBXH says. Maybe their distantly related!

betterthings, maybe there is some forum for total wankers where they are seeking advice and support from other, more experienced wankers in how to be unutterable cunts to the women they cheated on who grew a pair and didn't lie down to their demands when they left them.
Called netcunts or something.
It wouldn't surprise me if there was some secret LCB handshake. Some exclusive gentlemens club. So many of them seem to do so well.

Netcunts! Maybe they go to CuntCamp and learn "The Script".

Love it onit !! Think you are right they must be somewhere they are getting it from. It is scary how they all follow the same script.

re sobbing,
I would reply with pp words above, texto You chose the path that you then willingly and knowingly put us all on. You now need to fucking live with that choice, just like I and the dc have been having to do for the last year. I didn't get that choice.