Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

After going through the email paragraph by paragraph with my counsellor, I've decided not to reply other than to forward the info I received regarding afterschool clubs which he'd suggested a month or so ago.
He'd complained I was excluding him from parenting decisions.
I had told him I would research the clubs and let him know what I'd decided.
I contacted the various places (or got info from mums at school) and, as the summer holidays were imminent, all the clubs were closing till the autumn term.
I did not feel it necessary to communicate this info as it had no bearing on him or, well, anyone really.
But I will forward the email.

There is nothing in the rest of the email which is relevant. Why does he need to know how upset I am, or how angry I am? Does he assume I'm still grieving for him?
He asked me to put myself in his position and understand how he feels about how little he sees his dc. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

ME. Put MYSELF in HIS position?!?!?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Wise plan onit...
You owe him nothing but practicality...
I'm going to try and take my own advice too, because I've let mine rattle me the last few days and I can't and won't sink back down to where I was.

There are consequences. My parents divorced, my DM behaved like a saint given the provocation, looked after us, received no maintenance from DF but we got given lavish presents by him which DM could not afford. DM never badmouthed him, DF did so constantly. Guess who has the better relationship with her DC and GDC now?

I've seen an email he's sent his solicitor basically saying if he doesn't get any joy with custody negotiations, he'll rethink the "extras" he offered to pay for; school uniforms, activities etc.
How things change. I'm sure his mother would love to know I'm claiming school clothing grants and free school meals because her £50k a year earning son doesn't want to pay for his dc. He'd rather the rest of the country did
I've got my tax credit award notice through from HMRC and it's more than last year (when I wasn't earning for most of it), so it'll give me some wiggle room, esp if he cuts what he's paying.
And at the lawyers last week I asked if he could give me an up to date figure for paying LCB back and it's at least £5k less than I'd been budgeting for.
I'll start the mortgage application as soon as I have a figure.

Difficulties with work, kids, distance have become amplified because of the holidays (started last week here) where the BF is concerned. Discussions had put mid August as our next available date. I had a "what's the fucking point, then?" moment (not with him; with a friend)
She suggested various things, I shot her down. But talking through the ridiculous notions of asking him outright how he feels , suggestions of maybe introducing the kids or moving to be closer , calmed me down to a panic.
I managed to text him "where's there's a will, there's a way" to which he replied "there is and will be"
So it's all still good.
And we've managed one spur of the moment visit since then and have another planned for this week.

The separation agreement is being drafted and, when that's signed, I'm hoping I'll finally feel free.
The divorce is largely irrelevant.
If he wants it, let him pay for it.
I'll save my money and take my dc to Blackpool or butlins.
We're off on holiday next weekend and I haven't even begun to think about what we all need.
I need to start planning/organising packing or I'll be throwing stuff in a bin bag on Friday.
First week of holidays are over already. Hope you're all good

He had a face like thunder this afternoon when he came to pick up because the dc were with their friends at the park, saw him arrive and pretended they hadn't seen him.
He was livid. Got back in his car. And waited.
I'm dogsitting and took my sweet time about getting the dogs lead on, my shoes etc, before crossing the street to go and tell the dc their dad was here.
I swear his face was puce
It was at least 20 minutes after he got here that they left. The dc had to be dragged from their pals and had to say bye to me and the dog.
No doubt he'll be late on Sunday to make up for it.

hahaha !

- I'm guessing that sort of thing will happen more and more often as they get older.

Ouch! Hahahaha hahahaha poor poor mr bastard might be starting to learn about the consequences of his actions (and I'd tell his mother about his pay per view policy and the uniform)

As I have said previously it's scary how similar our exs are. Mine has also refused to help pay for activities unless he gets more contact with DC. I haven't even asked him to pay it all. I suggested we split it 50/50. So far he has refused.

Hope you get organised for your holiday and enjoy some quality time with your DC. The break away from everything will do you good!

I got another email.
He is pleased that we've agreed the finances and the separation agreement is being drafted.

But he wants a formal contact agreement because the arrangement we have now is not something he has ever been happy with.

He is only attempting to try and open more direct, honest dialogue.
He wants to do this directly with me or face to face at mediation and not through solicitors.
He wants to know if I can see a way of communicating with him about the issues he raised in the last email.

I didn't list everything he mentioned in the last email mainly because it went on and on.

The only reply I sent was a forwarded email from a group leader regarding an activity I'd looked into at his suggestion, with the response from me to her that I'd leave it for now as the time was later than I thought.
He replied that he'd help facilitate it. Obviously disregarding my decision that the class was unsuitable because of the timings.

In other news, I might be getting a cat. Still thinking about it but it's a definite maybe. A friend of my dcousin has a one year old cat that she needs to rehome. She's trained and dressed.

I'm seeing the bf on Thursday before we go away on Saturday.
I'm a little worried as the sertraline is having the numbing effect I'd hoped would not happen.

It would've been my mums 75th birthday today (well, yesterday).
It pisses me off that my grief has to take a backseat yet again to this asshole.

What is your current contact arrangements and what does he want?
Also don't let your grief take a back seat. Take the time to remember your mum, remember the happy times. He can wait.

I'd tell him you will only discuss contact via solicitors.

Yep-contact to be discussed only via solicitors.

And your grief doesn't have to take a back seat.thats the beauty of him not being around anymore.You can put him back in his metaphorical drawer and do what you want to do.

Yes to the Cat. Aside from meds and about 5k's worth of therapy (had to pay because NHS list was loooong) I would say the thing that has got me through some of my darkest hours was getting our Dog. He is a collossal Dick head at times but he honestly contributed to saving my life I think. ( that said I'm going off to give him a little pat now, and I feel a bit guilty for giving him a volley of abuse last night when he chewed one of my new slippers )

I had thought I'd ask my lawyer to send him a letter.
I'm not prepared to sit down with him face to face. Not now. Maybe not ever.
I know he thinks I'm being awkward and bitter and petty but it's honestly to preserve my strength.
It kills me that I have to see him as much as I do. It's knackering putting the armour on for it. I have to steel myself for pickups. Just so I can make him see that I'm strong. I'm dismissive. So I can basically ignore him.
When I'm crumbling inside. Weak and sad. Terrified of this monster who lived in my house. Who fathered my children. Who takes them away from me to do god knows what with them. Knowing the damage he did to me and worrying that he'll do the same to my dc. Knowing my dc are spending time with a woman who is morally bankrupt but who can impress my dd because she can do the splits .

I've gone back to not sleeping but the sedating meds have totally worn off now. Woke after 5ish hours this morning feeling tired but rested. I no longer feel like a space cadet. I can cope with tired. I've done it for a year. And my mood is better than it has been for a while.
Still haven't packed a thing for holidays. Procrastination is my superpower

I totally recognise all you have said in your first paragraph there. I'm told
I will get to the point where I am so enured to it all that it will become easy. I wish that point would hurry up and arrive....
I am getting less and less bothered about what mine thinks of me.Im ware that He goes round talking utter rubbish about me anyway-however nice I am to him-nothing I do will stop him doing that.It really doesn't matter how he perceives my behaviour then I guess...that's quite liberating in itself.

I think I would give you a run for your money on the procrastination. I can't be bothered with anything at all at the moment...

I just keep telling myself that I only need to stay this strong until he gives up expecting me to dance to his tune.
When will that happen?
I've learned the hard way that if I give him an inch he will take a mile. That's why things are the way they are. And why things will stay this way.
He thinks my behaviour damages the dc. That they've picked up on the fact that we don't talk.
That might be true but I want them to know that they don't need to speak to people who are nasty to them. And we've talked about how ow was my friend and, because she did something to hurt me, I'm not friends with her now.

In my experience, his need to control wont go away (unless he recognises it himself, and seeks help !).

You will keep on ignoring, detaching, putting on a face, pretending you don't care, and, one of these days you'll realise it's all true. You really won't give a fuck. He will pick up on this of course, but he'll still be an arsehole.

You are being strong btw. That's what it is, what we show on the outside, not what's going on inside our heads. And remember your Mum, and grieve /celebrate how you want. Don't let him dictate anymore.

I think I'm in a bit of trouble.
I have been fighting my feelings for a while now. I think I've fallen for the bf which is utterly ridiculous and monumentally stupid.
I haven't told him but he knows. He already asked me a few weeks ago and, when I refused to answer he said he could see it in my eyes.
Last night he asked me again and it hit me. I didn't say anything and he said it was ok, I didn't have to tell him.
A while later he asked me to tell him what I was thinking and all I was thinking was how the fuck did I get in this position. I'm not ready for this emotion. I told him I wasn't going to tell him (why couldn't I just say I was thinking about ). He asked me again and I said no. He said "Tell me! No secrets" and I felt the tears well in my eyes like they're doing now, and I said I can't tell you. He knew. He held me really tight and said it was ok. He understood.
He made me a cup of tea .

So now, here I am, at home alone, trying to pack for a holiday we go on tomorrow morning, while fretting about my fucking feelings and how the fuck I got myself into this.

What are you worried about? That he doesn't feel the same? He seems really lovely onit from what you've said...dont be scared-it's nothing but a good thing...
Bon voyage x

Thanks nigel
You know, I spent years being told I said it too much so it had lost all meaning to him.
The last time I said it was when I was begging the bastard to stay with me.
I obviously say it to the dc all the time but you know what I mean.

I know he's not there yet. Otherwise he wouldn't be asking me, he'd be telling me, wouldn't he?
He's said he could fall for me. He's said he adores me, that he'll look after me, that I'm so special to him. But there's so much I don't know about him. Or him about me. How can it be love? I don't trust myself.

And, it's pointless. Neither of us are in a position to be together. I don't even know when I'll see him again.
Talking with a friend the other day and she picked up on the fact I don't ask him questions. Like what he's said about me to his friends and family. Or about his past. She says it's because I've been programmed not to ask. That it doesn't matter what I think. As long as I make him happy. And I've done that again. I'm discounting my feelings because I'm worried about his reaction. That I'll make it awkward or change the dynamic.

Ah, fuck it! I don't have time for this now. My case isn't fully packed and we need to leave in 2 hours. No ones washed or dressed or breakfasted.

I'll check back later though. I'm very interested in people's thoughts about how to proceed.

It's OK to fall in love again

He seems to want to hear you say how much you feel for him, but doesn't say how he feels about you..... :o(
That sounds difficult. While there is no problem falling in love again,
I would say though, that you are bound to fall deep for anyone who appears to care & be kind after the misery LCB has dealt out.
The problem is going head first too soon. Please take your time Onit, it doesn't sound like he is ready now, maybe never, for declarations or moving things forward.
I would try asking all those things that you have avoided asking, how can you love someone who has not talked about his history, on the reverse of this, you should be able to talk about LCB & how he broke your life, & you are just piecing back together.
In the mean time, have a fun holiday !

That's just it mix. He does tell me how he feels. I'm the one who's quieter.
Maybe he's asking me how I feel because I'm not forthcoming.

Well, I think you should be yourself, without making yourself vulnerable,
Maybe he is waiting for some kind of declaration of your feelings.
You can tell him you are not ready to jump in the deep end & why...
Logically you don't live in the same town, if this moves forward, how could this be resolved? would you be prepared to move?
Would just LOVE to see LCB's face if you told him you were moving in with new bf in another town... it would make my day.
He has moved himself, , so not a thing he could do to stop it !