Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

Ah, you have lovely dc onit. There are a credit to you and a reflection of you. Be proud of yourself and of them.

What is the point of mediation if he then gets on your back to confirm stuff? I would ignore that one personally. If he contacts you again about it, tell him to contact the mediator for minutes of the meeting. He's such a knob!

Banging on again. Mediation is for mediation and agreements/arrangements. Or lawyers. Don't reply other than to reiterate that. Even better don't reply.

And get him to fuck out of your head. That's why he mailed. He is raging at how you are all doing. And how happy you clearly all are.

KOKO.

YY MsPavlichenko. Don't reply to his email about mediation. He doesn't need confirmation. He knows what was said. Ignore. He's fucking with you.

I remember your first thread Onit.
You have done amazingly in a year.
Yes whoever brings the divorce pays for it.

Have a look at Richie Howey on fb team RH fitness.
He's getting amazing results and people aren't hungry. Look at what he says about metabolic adaptation.

Good luck from me. Onwards and upwards 😀

Thank you for that everyone.
I will reply but I will say that I can confirm I understand what was discussed at mediation.
And that I can confirm I can't get back to him by the 26th.
I don't want to over plan the entire holidays.

Quite. He doesn't NEED you to confirm what was discussed in mediation that he himself was present at.
He's just trying to mess with you.ignore.

I ballooned in weight when I was anti d's. It was one of the main reasons I came off them-being overweight wasn't helping me feel better at all. (Also I was loopy on them in lots of worse ways than the depression).

Keep going my love

Onit can you describe your depression? Do you think there might be a non medical way through it? Do you think that the cause of your depression might have changed now? I only ask in that so much as changed at the building block level in your life that I wonder if the nature of your depression might have shifted too.

I've suffered from a couple of episodes but not used anti-depressants so presumably I wasn't bad enough. The doctor did say it was an option but thought I'd say no.

I use exercise, just swimming and walking, to deal with issues. Swimming lengths is so dull that it allows me to thrash things out mentally and examine my feelings. The other thing was seeing a very good psychiatrist who gave me huge amounts of homework to do. Books to read between sessions etc.

I find that the counseling I've had in the past where you are expected to naval gaze for 50 minutes is really not for me. Although it did mean I didn't bore my mates with it, because I'd already bored myself to death.

The side effect of the exercise was weight loss and getting toned which had such a positive effect on my self esteem and self confidence that It helped me to come out of my (probably pretty mild) depression.

Anyway just a thought and probably no use to you. And before I get shot I do get that depression is often very serious and life ruining.

I walk for miles wallywobbles-it's the only thing that gets me out of the hole when I feel like I'm starting to get low again as I don't want to go back on meds.

You do seem to have turned a corner & seem stronger now & able to fight your corner, combatting LCB's pressurizing & screwing with your mind.
The depression has always been because of him/his actions/his abuse & domination.
Either the ADs have helped get you to this place, or you have managed to climb that mountain & don't need them ?
How can you know?

My mood is better since last weeks mediation. But that could be the drugs kicking in or just me kicking LCBs arse.
I'm also exercising a fair bit at the gym and with shitloads of weeding in my garden. I zone out in both places and hope that eventually the physical exhaustion will help with my sleep.
If my gp only has citalopram or fluoxetine to offer me, I'm not going to take it.
I've been on both before and I won't suffer the numbness. No sadness is great but no joy? I need the joy. And, shallow or not, I want to be capable of having an orgasm.
As it is, the choice is no choice at all. I'd rather suffer the low moods, occasional black holes and sleep disturbances than be fat again or incapable of having an orgasm . So if those are my choices, I'll do without the drugs.
I've survived this whole year. And only resorted to medication at xmas and round the years anniversary. That's all done now. It's done. I survived. I can survive the rest.

I haven't posted much but I check in on you every now again. Seeing how you've blossomed and how well your children are doing , which is 100% all you, has been a real inspiration. You've got this and you're doing just fine.

You absolutely can!

Thanks goingtobeawesome. What a great username!

Thanks nigel

I've drafted a reply to his second follow up email re what was agreed at mediation. In the hope he just fucks off now.

How's this?

I can confirm I have contacted your mum.
I can also confirm that I said I would keep you in mind if I was in need of childcare.
I have plans in place for the dates you mentioned.
Should I need any ad hoc childcare I will keep you in mind and give as much notice as possible. I can't let you know by Monday. I have no requirements at present.

I note you have accepted an extra overnight on Thursday 17th August and an extra full day on Friday 18th August.

I hope this will conclude communications regarding the holidays. Any further emails will be consulted on a weekly basis and, if necessary, I will reply in due course.
Should it be an urgent matter requiring an immediate reply, you can contact me by text.

Can I trim it further? I'd like it to be shorter.

I confirm I have contacted your mum , as discussed at mediation.

I confirm that I will keep you in mind if I am in need of childcare, as discussed at mediation.

I have plans in place for the dates you mentioned: [put dates].

Should I need any ad hoc childcare I will keep you in mind and give as much notice as possible. I can't let you know by Monday. I have no requirements at present.

I note you have accepted an extra overnight on Thursday 17th August and an extra full day on Friday 18th August.

This will conclude communications regarding the holidays. Any further emails will be consulted on a weekly basis and, if necessary, I will reply in due course.

My username was because I was hoping it would become self fulfilling. I was about to go to court against someone who caused me great harm and it was a mixture of how I was going to be in court and how I was going to feel if he was found guilty. I can report I was awesome in court, so awesome the other side didn't cross examine me and he just pleaded guilty to everything.

As brief as possible if necessary. But, did you agree all this at mediation. If you did you don't need to confirm it. You could be generous if you want and say , all as confirmed at mediation on ..date. I wouldn't say re weekly email, just confirm other issues to be addressed at next mediation, and to contact via text for emergencies. The less you offer, the less for him to be "astounded" at!

I do know it is hard to process, but you do not need to respond to him when he demands it. I found it really difficult to stop jumping/appeasing.

Also, don't let him use his DPs relationship with you/you with them as a way to try to interfere. It is your business, and fuck all to do with him. I had a great relationship with late PIL, both before and after I left XH. He attempted a couple of times to interfere/stop it/tell me what I should be doing re DC but I ignored it, as did they. In fact I saw far more of them with DC than he did.

Less is more. Is there anything new there? Only reply to new stuff. All replies should be the length of a tweet. The more you give him the more he can beat you with.

So more along the lines.

I have noted that you have accepted an extra overnight on Thursday 17th August and an extra full day on Friday 18th August.

Nothing more.

I have gone back to his email and there is nothing in it which wasn't concluded at mediation. I offered him the extra night and thought I was fairly clear with the mediator that I didn't need his help with childcare. I work term time (though I'm not sure he knows this). I don't need him.

This is what I actually want to say to him.

Fuck you asshole. We don't need you.

Why can he still make me feel like I'm being unreasonable for sticking to the agreed schedule?

How's this?

I can confirm my understanding of what was discussed at mediation and agreed there.

I have looked at my calendar and I have no need of additional childcare during the holidays. We have plans in place for the dates you mention.

This will conclude communication regarding the holidays.

Now please fuck off and die.
Yours etc
Onit

Much better.

Can you take out the I have looked at my calendar? Just put I have no need of additional childcare during the holidays.

Except for the end. You need the standard MN mantra.

Fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there fuck off some more!

It's ok magoria. I never actually sign off on his emails anyway.
I did switcher about the calendar but so I will take it out.

He wants an answer by Monday so I'll send it on Monday.
I would ignore it but I honestly think he would just keep pestering me. I want him to know I'm not discussing it again. And the only way to do that is to be specific about it.

So, if anyone can add to it (or subtract from it) I will gladly take more editing advice.

Your amended reply sounds good.

I would ignore it but I honestly think he would just keep pestering me. I want him to know I'm not discussing it again. And the only way to do that is to be specific about it.

This. You are right. He will keep pestering you. And he will/would regardless of what you do/say/don't do/don't say. It is about control. You can step back, and I suggest again looking at the Freedom Programme. He will not change (barring a miracle). Only you can break away from the relationship dynamic. So what if he pesters you via email? Ignore it, set up a new email and don't look at that one other than at your specified time. I know it is very difficult to both consider and do. But, take it from me. It can be done.

Please send at 23.59 Monday night

I spent far too long (post break up) trying to manage/appease. Total waste of time. He would not/will not get it.

Now, I really don't give a fuck. Unless I allow myself to feel enraged about the DC, and his overall crapness (is that a word?)

But, no point. It is what it is. They love him, whilst being aware of his limitations. He loves them.

Only this week, when he wanted to drop in with no notice (severely disabled adult DC he sees here, because he wont get accessible house after 13 years), he asked that when he next called I should be sure to answer my phone immediately! I just ignored and shrugged. Takes time and effort but you can get there!

As an aside, He can probably see when you have read your emails if he uses outlook. So, you can either, not open his emails immediately & he will know it, or open them & not reply for weeks.
I would not reply on Monday, he doesn't need a reply by Monday, or any other day, It's all about him getting what he wants when he wants.
But I am probably petty