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I need to end it don't I?

(321 Posts)
smileygrapefruit Fri 17-Feb-17 20:13:28

So I posted less than a month ago(!) about DH staying out later than he said he would and my anxiety regarding this. I genuinely thought we had gotten through to each other last time. Today he left at 9am for a corporate works do thing, it would involve food and drink and would go on to about 5ish, he said he'd probably go for a beer with the boss after but wouldn't be late. He rang at around 3.30pm saying he'd had a great time, him and the boss were going to pop for a beer and get the train home. He spoke to our 3 year old DD and told her he'd be home for bedtime. Well guess what, both kids are asleep now and he's not home. I've managed not to ring him since 6ish (really hard for me) when i tried to get through to check he'd made the train (he didn't have signal as it tried to connect and then went to voicemail) and my anxiety has been growing and growing since then. I am shaking and feel sick. He's not only lied to me but now to our children. I have locked the door and put a note outside basically telling him I'm done. I'm too angry/hurt/upset to even talk to him right now. I don't think I'm strong enough to end my marriage but I know that's what I need to do. Also didn't mention in my previous post that I am 20 weeks pregnant!! I can't stop crying. Why would he do this???

Holly3434 Fri 17-Feb-17 20:22:09

Does he have keys?

Notagain2017 Fri 17-Feb-17 20:27:26

Do you believe that he is on the train?

smileygrapefruit Fri 17-Feb-17 20:30:17

No his keys are here. Well the train is only a 25 min journey, running every half hour. Kids bed is 7.30....

InTheKitchenAtParties Fri 17-Feb-17 20:34:42

I wouldn't tolerate my OH telling me what time I have to be home. Yes, there should be reasonable boundaries in a relationship. But everyone should have the freedom to go for a drink occasionally.
Why all this anxiety OP? Your DH should not be lying to you. But equally, you are not his parent to tell him what he is allowed to be doing.

BrownEyedLady Fri 17-Feb-17 20:35:31

How much later does he normally stay out? It's quite easy to get carried away at work dos when there is alcohol involved. But he should have at least texted you to let you know, especially as it was getting close to DC's bedtime.

sammyjayneex Fri 17-Feb-17 20:37:10

Has he done anything to break your trust? Because if he had then I understand why you would be feeling the way you are. My husband has done things behind my back and every time he goes out drinking I get really stressed out thinking the worst. Also is he always going out?? I never understand why men think it's ok to go out all day or night and expect the mother to look after the kids 24/7. Some men are just selfish. Staying out all day is just wrong when you have a family.

ShootFruit Fri 17-Feb-17 20:38:52

When you spoke to him at 3.30 was the do over then? You mentioned in your op it would go on until 5. Then update said he was going for a drink with his boss after. If the signal is down he can't get into contact with you. Perhaps his boss has asked him to stay for some reason or another. It is a work do. Try and relax op crying won't make him come home any quicker. Be kind to yourself. Take the note down and unlock the door and speak to him calmly in the morning about how you felt.

JustHereForThePooStories Fri 17-Feb-17 20:39:51

But he hasn't "been out all day". He was at work, told the OP he was getting a drink before taking the train home. It's 8.40pm, not 5am!

OP, I think this is a massive overreaction. Do you generally have such anxiety issues? Are you able to access support?

MichaelSheensNextDW Fri 17-Feb-17 20:40:10

I think you'd be rash, unreasonable and regretful if you actually end your marriage over this.
Have you every had any counselling to explore your anxiety? Any CBT or antidepressants?
Your pain leaps off the page and I really feel for you, but the degree of angst is completely out of proportion to what's happened. Can I suggest you take the note off the front door; I believe if your DH arrived home, read it and walked away you'd actually be devastated.

Pearlmum1 Fri 17-Feb-17 20:40:24

Do you not believe he is out with his boss? I know that feeling you have right now, try not to panic (easier said than done) go and keep occupied until he is home. I imagine he's probably just got carried away and feels like he has to stay because his boss is there? It's so annoying and worrying though I know..why on earth can they not text to let you know what's going on? I think they turn a blind eye and hope you won't notice?! I think they think if they text that they will be later then we will say 'come home now' which is exactly what they don't want to do! So they just don't text and hope for the best! That's my theory anyway

Pinotwoman82 Fri 17-Feb-17 20:41:28

He might be on the train and it may be delayed for some reason?

sammyjayneex Fri 17-Feb-17 20:41:55


According to the OP he was at a works DO not work and then for drinks. Unless I've got it wrong but it's not the point. Maybe the OP has good reason to be angry like I said if he's done things in the past or he's always leaving her with the kids and she has no me time

sammyjayneex Fri 17-Feb-17 20:43:42

I don't think you should end your marriage over this though OP. I think you need to talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel being told one thing and him doing another

FiveGoMadInDorset Fri 17-Feb-17 20:48:04

I don't think you need to end it, what you do need is help to figure out why you feel this way before you drive him away,and I know I come across as harsh but if you don't get it sorted now what are you going to be like when your DC are older and gaining independence?

Happybunny19 Fri 17-Feb-17 20:48:23

I'm always back later than anticipated at work things. My oh generally does too. Neither of us go out often though, so cut each other some slack. I understand if this is a regular occurrence, but unless it gets really late and he hasn't contacted you I think you're overreacting. Try to relax, have a bath, something nice to eat and then your favourite TV in peace.

smileygrapefruit Fri 17-Feb-17 20:50:10

He was at a work do. He told me this morning it would be on til 5ish then he'd go for a drink. He rang at 3.30 saying it was wrapping up and they were heading for a drink, then told DD he'd be home for bedtime. His boss is his mate too, and the 'work' is over so it's not like he needs to stay. He told his daughter he would be home, she was upset and took a while to settle because she wanted to wait for him. No, he doesn't go out all the time but when he does he always gets carried away. Bedtime is 7.30pm, it's now nearly 9. I hate him right now. Of course I'll be devastated if he reads the note and just leaves but I'm devastated already and if he comes home I will just scream at him. I'm trying to stay calm but I'm obviously incapable of that sad

TwitterQueen1 Fri 17-Feb-17 20:51:42

Op, you need to get help for your anxiety. I do not see that you dh has done anything particularly bad at all. You are massively overreacting. This is normal life. OK so he hasn't come home when he said.... He's at a work do. These things happen.

JustHereForThePooStories Fri 17-Feb-17 20:53:02

Hating someone for being an hour late is ridiculous.

InTheKitchenAtParties Fri 17-Feb-17 20:55:40

He's an adult and he has to be home at 7.30pm or he gets screamed at? This is emotional abuse.

BrownEyedLady Fri 17-Feb-17 20:56:28

If he was drinking from 3:30 to 5:00, his drunk brain might have thought you'd be okay with him staying later as that was the original plan. It is so easy for time to slip by without realising. Without more info about what has les to this strong reaction in you, it does sound a bit extreme. I don't think locking him out is the best course of action right now, even if you do end up deciding to leave him. You don't want him banging on the door late at night waking your daughter. Make him sleep on the couch if you must and deal with this when you are in a calmer state of mind.

897654321abcvrufhfgg Fri 17-Feb-17 20:58:03

It's easy in a social situation for time to run away with you. IMO using the kids by saying he has even lied to them is not on. I appreciate you are worried and anxious but remember you are his wife, not his mother and as long as he has not lied about who or where he has been with then I think you are over reacting. Poor yourself a drink, send him a quick text asking for an update on when he will b home and remove the note from the door.

ShootFruit Fri 17-Feb-17 20:59:08

Like Micheal said if he reads the note and walks away you will feel worse. I have to agree with most your anxiety is the problem tonight. Do you have reason to be worried he isn't where he said he is?

You sound stressed! It can't just be over this. He's not been out all night.
Do you get to spend any time alone together? Could you maybe try instead to channel your thoughts into how to make you feel better. If your worked up about him being out a bit late at a works do you will break down if you end the marriage!

smileygrapefruit Fri 17-Feb-17 20:59:32

Why does no one think lying to your child (or wife) is not ok?!

ShootFruit Fri 17-Feb-17 21:00:38

897 op has said she is 20 weeks pregnant. No judgment but alcohol probably is not the answer here

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