I need to end it don't I?

[smileygrapefruit]

So I posted less than a month ago(!) about DH staying out later than he said he would and my anxiety regarding this. I genuinely thought we had gotten through to each other last time. Today he left at 9am for a corporate works do thing, it would involve food and drink and would go on to about 5ish, he said he'd probably go for a beer with the boss after but wouldn't be late. He rang at around 3.30pm saying he'd had a great time, him and the boss were going to pop for a beer and get the train home. He spoke to our 3 year old DD and told her he'd be home for bedtime. Well guess what, both kids are asleep now and he's not home. I've managed not to ring him since 6ish (really hard for me) when i tried to get through to check he'd made the train (he didn't have signal as it tried to connect and then went to voicemail) and my anxiety has been growing and growing since then. I am shaking and feel sick. He's not only lied to me but now to our children. I have locked the door and put a note outside basically telling him I'm done. I'm too angry/hurt/upset to even talk to him right now. I don't think I'm strong enough to end my marriage but I know that's what I need to do. Also didn't mention in my previous post that I am 20 weeks pregnant!! I can't stop crying. Why would he do this???

[Inneedofaholiday2017]

Op I'm with you he shouldn't have told your kids and you'd be home and then not be. He's not hugely late but it's the fact he said he's be home and then isn't. If he hasn't had said time then 830 isn't late but he did. There's a spectrum of relationships on here and remember loads are being cheated on or in crap relationships. You are expecting the best from your op and so you should. He should have texted or called at 730 to let your dd know he wS out stlll .

[Inneedofaholiday2017]

Don't think you need to end it tho - that is an overreaction. Maybe just be really pissed at him'!

[Topseyt]

So this is the bloke who gets so drunk that he pisses the bed and cannot seem to find, let alone use, the toilet.

People are actually defending him here?? Unbelievable. OP, I would not put up with his behaviour. I don't think you are being unreasonable.

[ovenchips]

I don't remember him pissing the bed? I remember a previous thread where he was drunk and OP needed to steer him towards loo. But nothing more than that. No vomiting, pissing himself etc.

I also remember in that thread that the OP said her DH going out and getting drunk (as opposed to having a couple of drinks after work) happened every 2-3 months. In all other ways, the OP said her DH acted well and they got on.

OP it's clear you have had an absolutely dreadful evening and have been beside yourself with anxiety. That is really awful for you.

Something about your DH getting drunk and/or being home later than he said he'd be is provoking a massive reaction in you. Out of all seeming proportion, given that it happens infrequently and is not part of a wider picture of problems. Unfortunately, it may also be self-perpetuating. Your anxiety and need for control is making it less likely that your huband will not go out or stay out later than he said he would. He has nothing to lose does he? He already knows he is going to be punished whatever.

I think you need to consider that the reaction you have is a sign of some psychological issue. Your DH is triggering it and you are experiencing really quite profound fear and panic. If it were me, just as I would go to a GP with a physical issue, I would go to a therapist with a psychological issue (pref. psychotherapist) and ask for help with this very specific scenario.

I hope you can find a way forward OP. On the facts you have told us and what I remember from your previous thread it would be a crying shame to end your marriage for this reason.

[smileygrapefruit]

Thanks everyone. I managed some very broken sleep, maybe a couple of hours. Believe me, I don't want to end my marriage. I love the man to pieces and in every other respect he proves he loves me, but the way he acts in these instances is breaking me. Yes, I probably need help but I'm not going on AD's while pregnant as I miscarried last time I did and afterwards found there could be a link. I will take blame but it is not just me. He slept on the sofa last night, kids have just woken up and he's gone to get them so I will try and get another hours rest then I'm thinking I'll maybe write all my feelings down and give him chance to respond? I want to stay calm today, I'm all cried out.

[HarryElephante]

Deal with your anxiety first and foremost. Then you'll probably find that you don't mind when your husband socialises.

[nigelforgotthepassword]

Maybe try and get yourself some talking therapy though-as opposed to ad's.
I often go out for one, and end up staying a bit longer.I am an adult and I'd be annoyed at someone telling me I couldn't, (as long as I wasn't doing it all the time, which it doesn't sound as if he is). It's not a big deal, but I appreciate it feels like one to you right now for whatever reason.
When i first moved in with exh I was like this a bit.I wanted him home when he said he would be and got annoyed when he wasn't. I made a I
Huge deal of it but we didn't even have kids, it was an hour or two hear and there.i see know that it was because I was over reliant on him being around,insecure and couldn't amuse myself.I realise now that he wasn't doing it to spite me, it was just life sometimes. You dont have to be with your spouse at all available times to love them-sometimes you need to be able to be spontaneous and spend time with other people.Both partners need that.
Try and cut him some slack.You've said you love him and that there are no other issues-I would try and focus on that and the fact that actually, what has he really done wrong? He might have dropped you a text to say he'd be another hour-but he probably knew you would go ballistic and couldn't face doing so-and I see why
. I'm not trying to be unkind, and I do have empathy for how you feel, but I'm concerned you will cut your nose off to spite your face over this.

[smileygrapefruit]

I don't mind him socialising! I mind him getting ridiculously drunk, I mind him telling me and the kids he'd be home for bedtime (his choice) then being uncontactable and coming home 3 hours later. For those who asked, yes I go out, when not pregnant but have never ever behaved the way he does...I like to drop him the odd text and let him know when I'll be home. I'm sure he'd be worried about me if I was unreachable for hours and hours past when he thought I might be home.

[SockswithSandals]

I don't know why the OP is getting such a hard time, id be fuming too if DH said he'd be home for 7 and didn't come home for another 3 hours. It's not about the OP being abusive to him or acting like his parent it's about respecting each other and being home when you say you'll be home or at least finding a way to let the other one know you won't be home at that time. Add to that he was uncontactable for that time, personally I would worry something had happened to him, especially as he'd been drinking, and I can see why the OP was so angry! Hope you get the apology you deserve OP

[Inneedofaholiday2017]

I also don't think you need anxiety counselling op!
Just your husband he more considerate in future. Pregnancy hormones can make you prone to mood swings too and that's completely natural.
Explain to him why you were so upset. Let him apologise. Forgive him, make up and move on.
Maybe book yourself a night out too. Obs you are pregnant so can't drink but a nice dinner with your friends somewhere.

[smileygrapefruit]

Thanks Socks I'm glad some people are understanding. Marriage is about respect, love and trust. When he does this I feel he has no respect and I can't trust him. I'm thinking about going to my parents for the weekend, it's about a 2 hour drive and in the middle of nowhere. DH works weekends so I wouldn't just be leaving him at home alone.

[smileygrapefruit]

Thanks holiday

[Shayelle]

for you op. Try and have a nice day.

[Believeitornot]

I used to getlike this with dh.

It was about the time I was not really enjoying life, stuck with the dcs and doing nothing for myself. I didn't have the same freedom.

Dh is much better now at telling me when he's on his way home. I'm much better at not freaking out because I am getting more sleep, I do things just for me and feel mentally better.

[GertrudeBelle]

I think you should actually split up as you just aren't compatible. Most people wouldn't be prepared to live on that short a leash, anxiety or no anxiety. You need to find someone who will do exactly what you they say, every time. good luck with that

[ovenchips]

OP you're choosing to ignore the majority opinion and insist this is your DH's issue, when it is in fact yours. No fair.

Anyway, Imagine saying to your DH next time he goes out 'Have a lovely night. Not sure what time you'll be getting in, so shall catch up with you in morning.' This is what is implicitly/ explicitly agreed between couples all the time.

If you recoil from such a notion, that tells you the problem is coming from you - that you can't deal with your DH being out, drinking and without a set home time. Because of your anxiety and need to control.

I wouldn't be writing down my feelings for my DH on this occasion. I imagine he is already painfully aware of them. I would instead be asking him about his feelings (resentment that coming home at 8.50pm causes a huge problem, frustration, anger at not feeling autonomous?) and trying to work something out between you. But it's you that needs most of the work in changing!

[Inneedofaholiday2017]

My gosh oven chips - lay off the op!
She's not upset he came home at 8.50 - shes upset he said he'd be back to put their daughter to bed then wasn't!!
Most people in normal loving relationships don't mess their partner about like that! If he had just said I'm going out after work and not given a time then yes she'd be unreasonable to be upset at 9pm but it's the saying one thing and doing another she has (rightly) an issue with!

[LooksBetterWithAFilter]

My ex was like this I'll be home at x time and then not bother. If he'd said I'll be home when the pubs shut it wouldn't have been an issue it's the attitude that he could just opt out. Walk out the door and not look back while I was at home with the dc. I started to feel like he was outright lying about when he'd be home to make it sound good then just turned up when he felt like it b
The fact is I never had that option. I still don't because I have responsibilities and I'm now married to a man that sees that he has the same responsibilities. It's not about being controlling it's about showing a bit of respect. I can go out with my friends dh can go out with his but neither of us take it for granted that the other is just going to stay at home minding the dc. Op I get how your feeling. We have all got caught up in the moment and ended up being later than we said we would but to consistently do it every time you go out is just rude.

[smileygrapefruit]

It was 9.45ish he got home after saying he'd be home at 7, with no contact. In what world is that not disrespectful?! I'm working on doing what you say ovenchips when he has a night out. But this wasn't, it was a day out, where he'd been drinking since 12ish, and HE rang to say he'd be home for bedtime. I didn't nag or ask at all, I asked him how it was going and if he was having fun.

[smileygrapefruit]

I'm just so sad because last time, less than a month ago we talked, he apologised, really seemed to understand why I was upset and I genuinely thought next time he would keep his word. I've just tried to talk to him and he was like, well we missed the train so when we got the next one I was too late back for bedtime so we just went for another beer near home. No apology.

[PsychedelicSheep]

Someone asked unthread but I'm not sure you answered - what exactly is it that you feel anxious about when he goes out? What thoughts/worries do you notice running through your mind at these times?

[ovenchips]

Given my two posts on this thread, I don't know how I am laying into OP but I do recognise everyone is entitled to disagree.

Anyway, the crux of the matter is that the OP's husband is not allowed to go out without stating what time he'll be back. He isn't allowed to say he's 'just going out after work'. At all!

If I were the husband, that would not be okay with me. If I was the OP I would recognise that this issue, over this v specific matter, lies within me and would try to address it.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Hi Smiley, hope you are feeling much better today. 😀
You are correct, your DH was disrespectful and selfish. After you had words with him last time, and told him how it makes you feel, he should have taken it on board. One phone call, wouldn't kill him.
But you know the old saying, 'Beer in, wit out ' ! Truer words never spoken.
If, apart from this, he is a good and decent man, then you can afford to sit down and talk about it again, nobody is perfect after all.
You'd pregnancy hormones will also be magnifying your insecurities.
Do go to your parents, that's a great idea, but do hug it out with your DH, before you go.

[smileygrapefruit]

I have said why I'm anxious. It's not him going out, it's him lying and drinking to excess. Sometimes I ask him for a rough idea, sometimes he will freely tell me "I'll be back before such and such a time". Last night I had made tea and we had planned to start a new series on Netflix.

[Trollspoopglitter]

I cannot believe the crap the OP is getting on this thread. This adult man - a father with responsibilities - INFORMED his wife of his schedule and told his child to to expect him home at a particular time.

And fucked off without another text or call because his need for more alcohol trumps everything else.

Again.

Despite knowing the anxiety this would cause his pregnant wife.

He's a selfish dick and no he's not a brilliant daddy. I would think about leaving him, yes. This is repeated behaviour and he's the one conditioning OP to accept his selfishness as the norm.