I need to end it don't I?

[smileygrapefruit]

So I posted less than a month ago(!) about DH staying out later than he said he would and my anxiety regarding this. I genuinely thought we had gotten through to each other last time. Today he left at 9am for a corporate works do thing, it would involve food and drink and would go on to about 5ish, he said he'd probably go for a beer with the boss after but wouldn't be late. He rang at around 3.30pm saying he'd had a great time, him and the boss were going to pop for a beer and get the train home. He spoke to our 3 year old DD and told her he'd be home for bedtime. Well guess what, both kids are asleep now and he's not home. I've managed not to ring him since 6ish (really hard for me) when i tried to get through to check he'd made the train (he didn't have signal as it tried to connect and then went to voicemail) and my anxiety has been growing and growing since then. I am shaking and feel sick. He's not only lied to me but now to our children. I have locked the door and put a note outside basically telling him I'm done. I'm too angry/hurt/upset to even talk to him right now. I don't think I'm strong enough to end my marriage but I know that's what I need to do. Also didn't mention in my previous post that I am 20 weeks pregnant!! I can't stop crying. Why would he do this???

[garlicandsapphire]

Its okay. You and he need a life and to let your hair down now and again. He didnt lie - thats what he thought at the time but it went on longer than expected. Fair enough. Its not 5am. Relax.

[sammyjayneex]

Why do ppl in here think it's ok they men expect woman to stay at home with the children whilst they are out having fun???

[sammyjayneex]

I mean why do you all think that it's ok for men to have fun and have a life whilst the woman has to stay at home and be babysitter all
The time.

[theoracleofdelphi]

OP - would your DH mind you going out while he stays home with the kids???

[glassspider]

Hi OP, I remember your previous post and I do think you overreact to him staying out. I remember being checked up on quite a lot in a previous relationship whenever I went out and it made me want to stay out later. I certainly didn't want to rush home. If you're going to give your DH a hard time, acknowledge you also have an issue and get some help for your anxiety.

[nancy75]

9.45 on a Friday night is hardly worth this stress, if dp goes out he comes home when he is ready, as do I. If Dp told me off for being kate I would tell him where to go.

[AgentProvocateur]

sammyjayneex I don't think it's ok for men to have fun and have a life. I think everyone should have fun and a life.

[JeffJarrett]

If you're treating him like a child, effectively giving him a curfew and raising holy hell when he's late home, harassing him with messages and phone calls whilst he's out it's honestly no wonder he gives you radio silence and stays out later, he knows he'll get a dogs life when he arrives home so he might as well enjoy the freedom whilst he has it. It's exactly what I'd do in his position. He's rebelling against being controlled.

I would hate it if my DP would go mental if I were out enjoying myself and lost track of a few hours. I'd honestly not want to go home at all and in that case, I'd be the one re-evaluating the relationship.

Your anxiety is way too much given that he doesn't do this multiple times a week and there are no underlying reasons (cheating etc) why you should be concerned whenever he's out. Everyone is entitled to their own life within a relationship. It's not like he's staying out all night and ignoring your calls from the moment he leaves home. Maybe his boss asked him to stay out and have a few more drinks as they were having a good time. Was he supposed to say "Sorry. I have to be home by x or I'll be on the couch"? What if he's missed his train or it was late and his battery was dead? Would you still read him the riot act?

You really do need to relax your grip on him. I don't feel he's disrespectful for being two and a bit hours late home after a work do. It would be disrespectful if he was two hours late home every night stinking of perfume and covered in lipstick.

[Wishforsnow]

Op you sound really controlling. I would stay out too as I know I would get shit either way. To have a note outside by 8PM is extreme. Is he ok with you going out and does he take turns with the kids?

[GladysKnight]

Sorry to thse who say OP is 'overreacting', but husband coming home so out of it he pisses the bed would not be acceptable to me. He can't control his drinking. That's not 'having fun' - and indeed, he regrets it himself. ven he doesn't want to behave the way some posters here think should be tolerated.

I'd be a nervous wreck too if this was in prospect very time he went out, and actually happened several times a year. I'd be frickin' furious, too.

OP, he needs help with his drinking. If he was out enjoying his mates' company and relaxing, but not pissed, I have little doubt he would come home when he said. Because he actually wanted to see the kids, I'm willing to bet.

Yes, maybe you getting angry is making him defensive, but he knows he's in the wrong. He can only fix this if he gets help with his drinking IMO.

[LifeAsWeKnowIt]

I was once like you OP, I was irrational and a control freak. I hate to admit it but I was abusive, I used to say you can go out but you can only have 2 drinks and be home for 9pm. He then started going out and getting so smashed just because he knew he would get shit either way. I was a f*cking idiot, why did I think I was entitled to say anything at all??
It made me feel anxious and worry like hell but that is my problem to deal with. I got help, I still felt the same but as a couple we were happier and now I don't even text him when he's out, he tells me a date, sometimes even on the day but doesn't take the piss and is often home by midnight now as he likes the freedom but wants to feel fresh in the morning.

I vaguely remember your other post but I know this is something you need to work on, not him.
Don't let your anxiety ruin your marriage.

I often breakdown crying because of the way I treated him and wondered why the hell he stayed through it all, but he always tells me it's because I helped myself, I put my feelings aside and thought about his, and because of this we are so strong now.

I imagine I will probably get some negative feedback on this but I couldn't not say it because if I seeked help sooner it would have made our relationship better a lot quicker.

[Writerwannabe83]

I think I recall your last thread OP and isn't it that he has form for going out, telling you he'll be home at a certain time but then be uncontactable and then turn up hours later and usually be really drunk?

From what I've read on this thread you didn't give him a curfew and he said when he'd be home and yet again went off radar and came home hours later.

I can see why some people may think YABU if this was a one-off incident but I got the impression from your last thread that he does this frequently and doesn't really care about how it makes you feel.

[TitaniasCloset]

Well if he does have a drink problem shouting at him and trying to control him won't make any difference.

[TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder]

Sammy at least one other person has said what I'm thinking. OP, do you ever get to go out or spend time on your own? I know you're pregnant now so maybe you don't want to be on nights out, but ordinarily do you get some down time too? Or is it just your DH who gets to go out while you stay at home and take care of the children all the time?

If you never get the opportunity to go out then I can 100% understand why this is getting you down. The combination of his free time being more important than yours, along with the fact that he tells you he'll be home at a certain time and then doesn't show without even a text to give you a heads up just seems like he has no respect for you at all. Yes he has a right to go out, but it's just common courtesy to let someone know if you're going to be later than you said. You wouldn't be so rude and disrespectful to a friend or work colleague time after time, so why is it OK to do it to your partner?

That said, I think it sounds like something that can be worked on rather than marriage-ending stuff. You need to calmly and clearly tell him how this makes you feel and both of you agree on ways that you can both have free time with friends etc whilst still having some boundaries. I.e. don't turn up so steaming drunk at 3am, after telling me you'll be in at 9pm, that you need me to show you where the toilet is (I think that was your previous thread?). I think you do also need to work on your anxiety (apologies if you are already getting help for this) because the level of anxiety that this is causing you sounds extreme. I would be thoroughly pissed off in your shoes but I would be angry rather than devastated I think.

I hope you can both sort it OP. Try not to make any rash decisions tonight

[garlicandsapphire]

I'm all in favour of both men and women having a life after children. I did. went out and stayed out after 7.40pm! I went out more than boring XH.

Women - you dont have to be fuckin martrs! Its your choice. Get off the cross we need the wood!

[Thinkingofausername1]

Hi op. Do you have much of a social life yourself? Are you resenting him for having a life outside of work and feel he isn't thinking about you??

[TiredBum]

Poor guy, I imagine going out with work may give him the break he needs from you, you sound hard work :(

I don't think it's worth breaking a marriage over him staying out late, yes he said he would be home, but honestly these things happen. You said yourself it's not that often.

Let the guy let his hair down, in the morning you can have him back, and you can both go back to making life all about you and your problems x

Please get help Hun, you know the problems not him, it's you x

[socialengineering]

I'm so shocked by the unsupportive comments!

Pregnancy messes with our hormones and makes mountains out of mole hills. Not one person commenting on this thread will have escaped that, so maybe try remembering that. This is OPs life, and she is upset.

OP, I get it. He has constantly failed to be back when said and not contacted you to at least update. That's not being controlling or expecting him not to have a life, that's common courtesy!

I too would be pissed, I am not pregnant but a mum of two who expects my husband to treat me with respect.

Tell him you find his attitude disrespectful and expect that to change. Otherwise there will be consequences.

[SparklingRaspberry]

Titanias - me too! There is nothing attractive about possessiveness and this is all it is.

She clearly begrudges him an evening out and gives him grief, so when he does get the odd night out he takes full advantage of it - which leads to more grief! It's a viscious circle and I'm afraid the OP only has herself to blame.

I'm not condoning lying, but I can see why he does it. Sounds like the poor guy wants an easy life with the odd night out with his mates to let of steam, only he doesn't get to do that because the OP is constantly ringing him, and he knows he's gunna go home to a load of ear ache.

[SparklingRaspberry]

Social - it's not because she's pregnant. She's admitted in her first thread that she's never liked him going out, constantly rings him, panics and rows with him when he gets in due to her anxiety.

That's not healthy. And nor is it his fault. Stop blaming pregnancy hormones on her unnacceptable behaviour.

[socialengineering]

Because she has anxiety. I'm not sure there is such a thing as being reasonable during a panic attack! Though your clearly an expert!

Pregnancy does play a part, your emotions are heightened therefore her anxiety will be worse...common sense !

Her husband, though no doubt pisses him off/makes him feel trapped. Which is completely justifiable, is playing silly begets with her emotions.

Clear communication is what is needed. I.e she tells him again it makes her upset. They agree that he must keep her informed of changes, so she can manage her emotions and prevent a row when he gets home.

THEY both are creating a difficult situation, not just her.

[user1486956786]

I'm afraid to say I agree with the others, you need to relax. From what you've told us, he hasn't done anything wrong.

He hasn't lied to you and your children, that's dramatic. Lying involves thought and being calculating. His night has got away from him that's all, let him enjoy it and be happy.

Do you know how much he would have loved to come home to you being friendly and asking if he had a great night??? Now he's got to wake up to an argument, great start to his weekend.

[Luna4689]

I'm exactly the same as you. Myself an DP ended having a huge row this evening because he was later than supposed to be.
I don't think it's overreacting at all, it's lying to you and your child.
If he says he will be home at a certain time and doesn't show, yes be annoyed!!! I'm the same as you, if DP is late and doesn't tell me and doesn't call (and is then also drunk) we argue a lot.

[Luna4689]

Anxiety is not easy to deal with and many people who don't have it don't understand fully.
Anxiety causes paranoia, stress and a whole range of emotions which are heightened when pregnant!
Just sit and have a chat with him and explain your anxiety because otherwise nothing will be resolved. Me and my DP sat and spoke and aired out issues. He hasn't changed at all but I've tried to not get so wound up by it.
Ignore the people who are basically saying you're crazy, this is your marriage and family.

[TitaniasCloset]

Oh please. I know all about anxiety and mental illness thanks but I don't use my mental illness as a stick to beat people with and I try to take responsibility for my own actions and actively seek out the help I need. I don't expect people ti fanny around after me as if I'm the princess.