I need to end it don't I?

[smileygrapefruit]

So I posted less than a month ago(!) about DH staying out later than he said he would and my anxiety regarding this. I genuinely thought we had gotten through to each other last time. Today he left at 9am for a corporate works do thing, it would involve food and drink and would go on to about 5ish, he said he'd probably go for a beer with the boss after but wouldn't be late. He rang at around 3.30pm saying he'd had a great time, him and the boss were going to pop for a beer and get the train home. He spoke to our 3 year old DD and told her he'd be home for bedtime. Well guess what, both kids are asleep now and he's not home. I've managed not to ring him since 6ish (really hard for me) when i tried to get through to check he'd made the train (he didn't have signal as it tried to connect and then went to voicemail) and my anxiety has been growing and growing since then. I am shaking and feel sick. He's not only lied to me but now to our children. I have locked the door and put a note outside basically telling him I'm done. I'm too angry/hurt/upset to even talk to him right now. I don't think I'm strong enough to end my marriage but I know that's what I need to do. Also didn't mention in my previous post that I am 20 weeks pregnant!! I can't stop crying. Why would he do this???

[HarryElephante]

And inneed is right in sticking up for me in the fact that everyone is ignoring that it was totally his choice to say when he was coming home

But why is he making that choice?! That's the question you need answering. And that will take some self exploration. I can tell you now that he is probably making that choice because of your reactions.

[ButtMuncher]

OP - straight up here; are you worried your husband will cheat on you or has he been unfaithful in the past (either to you or previous gf)?

I understand anxiety, truly I do - but what screams to me is exactly what LesMis posted - you really seem afraid not just of the lying and lack of respect but of him leaving the house at all in the evening. I doubt you'd be this anxious for a normal work day when he may come home half hour later, so it seems that the combo of alcohol and being out and about really stirs something inside of you. That seems more insecurities than anxieties although the two often go hand in hand. Dealing with the insecurity would go a long way to dealing with the anxiety, I think.

[Userr123]

Agree probably another pint and bit of mindless banter is more appealing than coming home for a bollocking.

Agree it's wrong to let your children down, but in perspective, he's probably just glad of the opportunity to let his hair down.

[CussingQuim]

Hello smiley, how was last night?

inneed, of course - anyone who says "see you at x time" and then vanishes is a bit of a prick. But this type of anxious overreaction isn't healthy for anyone; it's terrifying when it happens and easy (and comforting and natural) to minimise afterwards. It's damaging. It leads to partners "treading on eggshells" and can damage kids too.

It would be so much better to tackle it (and probably through good talking therapy, though that's not easy to find) than to keep burying and having cycles of arguments.

I hope you don't mind me mentioning this but something I was thinking about earlier smiley was about you showing him the note afterwards.

Now, I've done this sort of thing too ("haha everything's fine now but just so you know, I wanted to do x, or I did x"). The thing is, it's another form of manipulative behaviour I've had to cut out (again, not easy).

It's a sort of "I'm not actually doing this to you but look what I wanted to and could have done" thing.

It feels good because you get your point across, you "punish" them, and they're apologetic, but it also used to make me feel a bit sick afterwards too. I don't know how you felt of course but it's something to ask yourself - why did you tell him about the note?

(Sorry if this isn't useful - tell me and I'll stop posting. I also agree a bit with browneyedlady that you might need to step away from the thread now, and look for some support offline, as often people come in and post to the original question and don't read subsequent posts, which can be annoying!)

[Oddsockspissmeoff]

You sound a lot like my husband Op.

My husband displayed behaviour like this at the start of our marriage. If I wasn't back when I said I would be there'd be hell to pay. I'm not talking about a week in Vegas but a simple shopping trip or seeing a friend. I had to clockwatch ,refuse a second coffee, or tiptoe round him when I got in. Eventually enough was enough and I told him to fuck off out.

We got back together and although he doesn't dare do it anymore I know he feels the same way about it .He would revert back if he thought he could get away with it. I don't know what caused this behaviour and i don't care.(He claimed he would get worried). Tough shit. What's to worry about? Why should I have to constantly text and update him? Even if I did, there is still anger. Why didn't I text earlier?

I've never forgiven him for it. I wonder how he was that arrogant he thought he was going to be in charge of me, and that I should give up basic human rights to keep him happy or stop him worrying. My marriage is dead in the water due to his entitled beliefs(or worrying). And it doesn't matter which because the effects on me are the same. It's not up to me to give up my life to manage someone else's worrys.

I'll probably divorce soon. My family and friends can't stand him due to this. There's no love in this sort of behaviour. It's not loving to treat someone like a child and punish them for having the audacity to decide they're going to socialize a bit longer. I can really sympathize with your husband. It's utterly shit to have to feel you have to text with updates just so you can have one more drink. It's shit to have to cut evenings out short in fear of what will happen when you get back.

You really should listen to what people are telling you about stopping this immediately. This is a deal breaker for most people.

[LesisMiserable]

OP, you're splitting hairs.

[LesisMiserable]

And in answer to your original thread title - yes you need to end this behaviour and if you dont he needs to end this relationship. You are driving him to be appease you and ultimately you will kill any love or respect he has for you. You're doing this. Dont project. Own it. He has a perfect right to change his mind without your permission, he has a perfect right to fuck up occasionally even - you're his wife not his owner.

[zaffa87]

Sadly I think everyone here trying to help OP is wasting their time. Her husband will no doubt leave her if he has any sense of self worth or self respect and I imagine her children will have a terrible time as they grow up and try to have any independence.

OP - if you really want to save your marriage and your family you need to own your behavior. You're going to drive your husband away with your excessive need for control and you need to get real help. The posters on here that are validating your behavior may make you feel better now, but where will they be when he finally says enough is enough? You have a choice - you can live in your bubble thinking you have a right to control someone else, or you can get help for yourself and have a real relationship. No one can cope with your need for control long term. Are you trying to drive him away or make him leave you, or are you trying to break him?

[LesisMiserable]

There's a saying that all actions and reactions are motivated by only two factors - either fear or love. Switch your perception to love, quickly.

[smileygrapefruit]

Thanks for all the comments. Really. The ones who have seen my side of it and made me feel I'm not completely mad. And the ones who have given me more 'constructive' advice. I AM going to get help. My DH and I have a wonderful relationship besides this issue, we really do, so of course I don't want to drive him away. I'm going to leave this thread now as some have suggested as it's gone round in circles a little bit. But thanks for all responses.

[ocelot7]

OP pls read what Oddsock says which is an insight into how it can feel from the other person in a relationship.

You have yourself mentioned having MH issues & an anonymous internet forum is really not the best place to address this.

I hope you can one day look back on this time & know that you are in a better place having addressed yr anxiety.

[LesisMiserable]

Even putting 'constructive' shows you're still resistant. I suspect you've calmed down because your DH is under your nose where you can see him, suitably chastened, so all is rosy in the garden again. I really do hope you don't repeat this. Good luck.

[smileygrapefruit]

I have read every post and taken on board. I also plan to come back to this thread and re read when I'm feeling like it again. I put 'constructive' because I'm not sure that's quite the word I wanted to use but couldn't think of a better one...sorry. and no, he's not back under my nose, he's at work.

[LesisMiserable]

Good luck OP

[Janet80]

Hey OP, another one to say I think you massively over reacted. Next time he goes out, don't ask what time he'll be home then you won't get mad if that time passes! I just expect my OH home when he's home and vice versa. Sometimes it's 2 a.m, sometimes it's 10:30. I enjoy my evening alone, paint my nails, watch whatever I want in Tv and eat rubbish. You really need to relax a bit.

[Oddsockspissmeoff]

My DH and I have a wonderful relationship besides this issue,

You are completely deluded Op. It's impossible to have a wonderful relationship with someone who is this controlling, or someone who threatens to end the marriage when they can't have their own way. Showing him that note was particularly manipulative and again, controlling. Again my husband used to do this sort of thing.

When people threaten to end marriages over minor stuff like this they are so desperate to be in control they don't understand the message they're actually sending. Really listen to this bit Op. They clearly tell you that yesterday they DID love you, but now you've committed whatever crime they DONT LOVE YOU ANY MORE and they'll divorce you. Therefore their love is conditional on you kissing their arse and keeping them happy.

I've warned my husband repeatedly to stop this shit. I've explained it's hurtful and I don't feel safe. Makes no difference. At some point last year the divorce suggestion came up again. I had probably committed some minor crime. I called his bluff and Funnily enough he didn't take it any further. But I haven't had sex with him since and I won't do again. I don't believe that he loves me. How could he, when he is constantly willing to end the marriage over minor incidents?

I'm not pissing my life into a marriage that's so flimsy it might end over being a few hours "late".

[LesisMiserable]

Well said Oddsocks

[CussingQuim]

Oddsocks. I'm sorry he hasn't tackled it. I'm ashamed to say it took me a good few years to stop it completely in the early days (although luckily the 10 subsequent ones have been fine!).

It all comes from a place of deep-seated insecurity but it doesn't make it any easier to handle, and you're not a therapist. You don't owe anyone a life of walking on eggshells.

Whether that's the OP's husband's experience or not, only he can tell for sure (and he might not be able to articulate it like that), but for you certainly, you deserve better.

[Mrsdraper1]

Just to add, I have been on the receiving end of a partner with this type of anxiety and it's not much fun for anyone involved.
My hubby would always want to know what time I was going to be home. I tried saying I don't know and then would get texts asking, are you leaving yet?
It really made me so uncomfortable. He would sit up waiting for me and then complain that he was then really tired because he "had to wait up" and obviously in a mood-punishing me for going out.
I am not a big drinker and certainly not got the energy for all night partying so it's not like I am over demanding in the going out stakes. I don't have a track record of getting shit faced and coming home at 5am. Not that there is anything wrong with doing that btw.
This made it all the more baffling to me, why he behaved like this. What reason had I ever given to make him like this?
Then I realised I hadn't done anything and it was his problem not mine.
So I told him that in future he was to go to bed and go to sleep and expect me when he sees me. I am a big girl, I always share a taxi with friends so no need to worry about my safety. If he chooses to sit up waiting he shouldn't blame me for being tired. He should not text me unless there's a problem and that I was not happy with him keep pestering me and he was spoiling the few times I did go out.
He was really apologetic, he actually broke down and said he doesn't know why he was like that but mainly he was worried about me (rather than not trusting me). He has a tendency to worry about personal safety a lot.
Anyway, I know he still worries but he doesn't text me anymore and although I still sometimes sense a mood as punishment, I ignore it and be really nice and jolly so he can't keep it going.
Anyway, what I wanted to say is OP that you know your anxiety is a problem. You know you need to work on it.
You should be honest with your husband and tell him how you feel and he will help you to work on your issue.
I wish you all the best, sincerely. Remember that all this anxiety is not good for you or baby so you need to make it top priority to work on it. Your health is paramount at this time. Don't delay, do what you can.
Don't let your illness wreck your marriage, there is more than 2 people involved in all this.
All the best

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

wow, i think you're getting a really hard time over this, considering you've already acknowledged you have a lot of anxiety over his going out at all.

this particular incident would set me off like a firecracker too - calling to give a rough time he'd be home and then deciding not to show up and not bothering to even send a quick text saying so.

to me it sounded like you maybe could have managed your reaction better if he had sent you that text.

my H did/does this all the time. it is completely infuriating. you get a phone call saying, i'm leaving work now. commute is 15 mins. 2 hours later he shows up, you've waited dinner on him etc, and turns out he decided to get a haircut/go window browsing/etc etc and didn't even think of sending a text to update he'd not be home in the usual timeframe (also never answers calls or texts even if phone isn't dead).

without any other anxiety issues, it's bad enough wondering if they've gotten into a car accident/run over etc (we lived and still do in areas where car accidents on his commuting route are extremely high - there are warning signs on the highways near us). he continues to do this even though he knows it will upset me, and even though there's absolutely nothing stopping him from typing a couple words on his phone to let me know as a common courtesy.

recently i went to a friends house in the evening so our DC could play when H had a work do in the evening. he called a few times, i told him what the rough plan was for staying out. started getting late and i stayed longer than i planned, then texted him when i thought i was about to leave. ended up not leaving right away because i ended up telling her about OW (note this behaviour predated OW), and didn't bother texting him. went home less than an hour later than i should have been. he met me at home with his sad hurt face telling me "he was worried as he didn't know if i'd been in a car accident or something". i laughed in his face and said "oh i wonder how that feels". (this was the first time i've ever not given an update on timing so he didn't worry i wasn't dead in a ditch etc).