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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to end it don't I?

320 replies

smileygrapefruit · 17/02/2017 20:13

So I posted less than a month ago(!) about DH staying out later than he said he would and my anxiety regarding this. I genuinely thought we had gotten through to each other last time. Today he left at 9am for a corporate works do thing, it would involve food and drink and would go on to about 5ish, he said he'd probably go for a beer with the boss after but wouldn't be late. He rang at around 3.30pm saying he'd had a great time, him and the boss were going to pop for a beer and get the train home. He spoke to our 3 year old DD and told her he'd be home for bedtime. Well guess what, both kids are asleep now and he's not home. I've managed not to ring him since 6ish (really hard for me) when i tried to get through to check he'd made the train (he didn't have signal as it tried to connect and then went to voicemail) and my anxiety has been growing and growing since then. I am shaking and feel sick. He's not only lied to me but now to our children. I have locked the door and put a note outside basically telling him I'm done. I'm too angry/hurt/upset to even talk to him right now. I don't think I'm strong enough to end my marriage but I know that's what I need to do. Also didn't mention in my previous post that I am 20 weeks pregnant!! I can't stop crying. Why would he do this???

OP posts:
SaltBae · 19/02/2017 11:13

Why haven't you gotten help for it? I vaguely remember your last post & it was quite a while ago...

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 19/02/2017 11:19

I wasn't agreeing with her that you were the same person. I thanked her for being kind when I did feel there were some hurtful things.

Salt read the full thread if you're that bothered. I have been on and off antidepressants and they have helped but I also miscarried while on them and will not take that risk again. I have had lots of counselling previously and never found it helpful however I am willing to try again. My last thread was a month ago.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 19/02/2017 11:19

Your blatant insecurities are the cause of your anxieties. You think you out of sight out of mind to him and that very thought is terrifying to you. You can't view him autonomously as a person who can make his own decisions because that means he might decide to not be with you, if he has enough thinking time and space to himself he might decide he wants out... so you self sabotage (the note) to keep control. This is chronic insecurity quite apart from any anxiety. Only you can address it.

0hCrepe · 19/02/2017 11:23

Smiley I would hide this thread now if I were you. If you're already feeling crap it isn't going to help.

ocelot7 · 19/02/2017 11:25

Could it be he needs time to chill when out with friends as a way of coping with your anxiety & the demands it makes on him? Self-medicating with alcohol ain't great but I've also done that myself on occasion... :( Perhaps he is not talking to the OP about all this because it degenerates into a row.

I know there is an instinct to be supportive on MN but confirming someone is not always that. So they continue to think they are 'right' and their DP all wrong...The OPs marriage could suffer more/breakup over this so respectfully challenging could be of more assistance.

ocelot7 · 19/02/2017 11:29

With the passage of time, a different counsellor and you being open to make something of it, counselling could be of benefit now. If you are willing to tackle difficult stuff in yourself.

Guitargirl · 19/02/2017 11:39

You sound so unhappy OP. Life doesn't have to be this difficult, it really doesn't. I would agree with everyone else who has suggested looking for a different counsellor.

JeffJarrett · 19/02/2017 11:39

I think Les has hit the nail on the head.

OP, many people are trying to help you here. I know you prefer to listen to the people agreeing that your DH is in the wrong and you're right and think that they're the kind ones, but that isn't going to help you solve your issues at the end of the day.

Until you realise that the problem is in your head, take responsibility for it and decide you're going to address it and not brush it under the carpet/ignore it until the baby arrives, then you're going to have the same issues every time your DH goes out.

The troll hunting on here is ridiculous too when posters have taken the time to give solid advice.

ClashCityRocker · 19/02/2017 11:49

I wonder if there's not an element of 'might as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb' going on with your dh.

I agree totally it's unfair to leave you with false expectations, btw and he's out of order for doing that. But your response was out of proportion - which I've think you've acknowledged.

If he'd text you at seven saying 'actually, I'm having a really good time so going to stop out for a while longer' what would have been your response? (Or what would he have anticipated your response being?)

If he thinks either way, he's going to get a bollocking regardless I can see why he might feel that he might as well have a good few hours before the bollocking.

Which in turn makes you all the more anxious, so it becomes something of a vicious cycle.

Ultimately, there's only one persons behaviour you can change - and that's your own. His behaviour may change over the course of time, it may not - I'd tend towards the latter if you've already been together a long time, which it sounds like you have. Is it a deal breaker for you or can you learn how to handle it better?

Inneedofaholiday2017 · 19/02/2017 11:51

The poor op has lost a baby in the last 20 weeks and is pregnant - I just think people should be easier on her- who wouldn't be a bit anxious in that instance?!

Inneedofaholiday2017 · 19/02/2017 11:52

Her oh said he'd be home and then wasn't - the op did nothing wrong and wasn't anxious in my book - just expected her oh to keep his word and be reliable.

GertrudeBelle · 19/02/2017 11:57

Ineed the problem with your approach apart from the rudeness and trollhunting is that the OP is using your assurances to revert to thinking that she is in the right. And to move away from recognising that she has serious issues, instead putting the blame back on her husband.

You are effectively encouraging her to continue behaving in a controlling and emotionally abusive way which will damage her marriage.

She has said that she doesn't want that. So please stop pushing her in that direction. You think you are helping but you are inhibiting her progress.

Inneedofaholiday2017 · 19/02/2017 12:00

What serious issues does she have?!
I can only see low self esteem which is allowing her to be talked to/bullied by the posters on here and constantly doubt herself.
You have a miscarriage, be pregnant with young children, and then your husbanc not keep his word over something - think how you would Feel. If she had phrased the original question in a different way (Aibu to expect my oh to keep his word?) then no way would everyone be jumping on her telling her it's only her issue.

Inneedofaholiday2017 · 19/02/2017 12:02

you all seemed to overlook the fact she didn't ask him to come home by a certain time, wasn't telling him to come home etc - he said he'd be home and then wasn't with no further explanation.

ClashCityRocker · 19/02/2017 12:02

I think she's 20 weeks pregnant Inneed.

And yes, her dh was out of order. But locking the door and putting a note on it telling him the marriage was over an hour after the time he was due back (so 8pm) is something of an overreaction.

Inneedofaholiday2017 · 19/02/2017 12:03

And I have reported this thread to hq so if there is any name changing then they will see.

Inneedofaholiday2017 · 19/02/2017 12:03

No she said she lost this babies twin early in this pregnancy

HarryElephante · 19/02/2017 12:13

And I have reported this thread to hq so if there is any name changing then they will see

There is no name changing going on. There are just posters who disagree you who you are determined to lump together.

ovenchips · 19/02/2017 12:16

OP I wasn't agreeing with her that you were the same person. I thanked her for being kind when I did feel there were some hurtful things.

That is simply not true. Look back to your post of Sunday at 22.01 and the preceding ones. As I said, I don't think it's on to thank someone for their troll-hunting posts. That is encouraging it and IMO very much against the spirit of Mumsnet and how threads operate.

GertrudeBelle · 19/02/2017 12:17

Today 12:03 Inneedofaholiday2017 And I have reported this thread to hq so if there is any name changing then they will see.

Ha. Good luck with that. At least it will stop you bleating on - I hope - when they confirm that your conspiracy theory is nonsense.

I am out. You and OP carry on winding each other up into a state of high dudgeon, persuading each other that it is everyone else who is wrong, and that she is entirely justified in behaving and continuing to behave so appallingly.

I can't see how that is better for her pregnancy, health and her marriage than getting help for her mental health issues, but ignore me, I'm just a malicious sock puppet.

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 19/02/2017 12:32

If you ignore harry, oven chips and Gertrude bells then you have a balanced response from people. These 3 posters have ganged up on you (and TBH seem like the same person) - just ignore them.

I said thank you because I did feel a little ganged up on. Once again you've chosen one part of a post to decide what I'm saying/feeling.

And inneed is right in sticking up for me in the fact that everyone is ignoring that it was totally his choice to say when he was coming home (which I have reiterated throughout but it seems irrelevant).

OP posts:
Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 19/02/2017 12:35

Oh and sorry just feel I should clear up the pregnancy/loss thing. Dd1 (3.5) healthy baby, then a 12 week miscarriage, then a twin pregnancy (lost one at 16 weeks, dd2 (14 months healthy baby)), now 20 weeks pregnant.

OP posts:
BrownEyedLady · 19/02/2017 12:35

I really think you should step away from this thread. It seems to be winding you up and is stuck in a loop.

ovenchips · 19/02/2017 12:36

Yes, you have quoted the post in its entirety. That's the post I referred you to look at. It is a troll hunting post. Which you thanked her for.

Userr123 · 19/02/2017 12:37

I think you are being insane.
I'm so stunned how much some people overreact by the littlest things.