I need to end it don't I?

[smileygrapefruit]

So I posted less than a month ago(!) about DH staying out later than he said he would and my anxiety regarding this. I genuinely thought we had gotten through to each other last time. Today he left at 9am for a corporate works do thing, it would involve food and drink and would go on to about 5ish, he said he'd probably go for a beer with the boss after but wouldn't be late. He rang at around 3.30pm saying he'd had a great time, him and the boss were going to pop for a beer and get the train home. He spoke to our 3 year old DD and told her he'd be home for bedtime. Well guess what, both kids are asleep now and he's not home. I've managed not to ring him since 6ish (really hard for me) when i tried to get through to check he'd made the train (he didn't have signal as it tried to connect and then went to voicemail) and my anxiety has been growing and growing since then. I am shaking and feel sick. He's not only lied to me but now to our children. I have locked the door and put a note outside basically telling him I'm done. I'm too angry/hurt/upset to even talk to him right now. I don't think I'm strong enough to end my marriage but I know that's what I need to do. Also didn't mention in my previous post that I am 20 weeks pregnant!! I can't stop crying. Why would he do this???

I've just read your last post. It's a shame that the alcohol and the lure of a good night out mists his judgement.

How old is he?

The frustration must be driving you crazy.

I do understand how you feel op. I get upset when my dp goes unexpectedly for drinks after work and I have to tell dd she won't see him before bed but I don't think it's a dumpable offence. Where I used to work we used to do 'socials' where we'd go to a hotel for lunch and drinks then go out after. I'd find around 5pm I'd text and say I'm having one or two more drinks then around an hour later the drink would be flowing and I'd stay out. It would be nothing against my dp but I'd just get lost in the moment. I once was furious with dp though when he went for 'one drink' with his brother at lunchtime and came home at 11pm but ultimately by the time they've had a few they're too drunk to make sense so you may as well make the most of time to yourself. I also suffered very badly with anxiety when I was pregnant so I do see how you're feeling. If you want to talk I'm here.

Could it be possible that he lost track of time and now knows he's going to get short shrift when he comes home so is a bit too scared too?

I remember your last thread op, he's really not going to change is he if he can do the same thing so soon again after you talked it through last time?...and he had said he would try and consider your feelings in future.

As you say, it just seems that he can't stop after 1 or 2 drinks. By then he's having too good a time to want to cut it short & come home to you & the kids.

Seriously OP, he must be treading on eggshells. I suspect once he realised he'd not be back for bedtime he knew he was getting punished one way or the other so probably just decided he might as well get a good night out from it. You're emotionally controlling him. It's not right.

It's really not so bad. Is there any reason why he should have to be home so early? I wouldn't want to feel I had to be home by a certain time and if I was enjoying myself I'd want to stay out later without having to explain myself or come home to an argument. Likewise if this was my DH it honestly wouldn't bother me - I'd just tell my child that Daddy was staying out a little longer, no big drama. Unless he has form for staying out all night? Unless there is a back story it does sound as though you are over reacting a tad..

I'm not being an arse she sounds completely irrational and controlling, and don't tell me to fuck off! Fuck off yourself thanks.

OP, why does him having a night out make you anxious? Because thats the kernel so lets get to it.

Thanks for the supportive messages. He's just got home. I've told him to stay on the sofa. We will have to talk in the morning but now I feel like he's just going to say what I want to hear then just do it again next time anyway. I guess I'll be thinking a lot tonight about whether I can put up with it or whether I really do need to end my marriage.

Maybe you should end it if its such a flip thing to you.

Hope you manage to get some sleep. Things may seem a bit better in the morning.

Is he drunk?

Getting home at 10 to 10 is not really unreasonable to be honest. Has he said what happened?

Oh fgs

I remember your last post and I thought you were completely bonkers and irrational then.

I still feel the same!

Give the poor bloke a chance!!! You sound very controlling and manipulative OP, using your anxiety as a way of getting him home. You sounded exactly the same in your last post. Expecting him home early (not just in this thread but your last one too) because of your anxiety is emotional abuse and if this was a man writing your post he'd be getting a load of crap for it!

Even if you had no kids you'd be exactly the same. Seems like your anxiety creeps up as soon as he's out having fun. It actually sounds more like jealousy than anything.

You know what I would do if I was him? I'd turn my phone off when I'm out to avoid your constant badgering. And when I did get home, I'd be telling you it's over.

You need help. You will push him away OP, and I give full sympathy to the poor bloke. I would've gone a long time ago.

Oh and yes you do need to end your marriage. For his sake!

People please read the full thread!!!
See I didn't realise there was other threads and he does this all the time. Try to relax and think tomorrow.

Yes he's drunk. No it's not late is it but it is when he said he'd be home by 7 and then never contacted. That's me Sparkling, I'm completely bonkers, thanks.

He does what all the time? Has a night out and comes home at 9.45? Doesnt sound to me like OP was waiting with a cuddle - that he came home to the inevitable cold shoulder and stress is testament to him to be honest. Sometimes we all absolutely have to look inwards. If you are anxious own it and yes absolutely expect empathy from your spouse but controlling him and projecting it onto him? Nope.

Yes sparkling, I agree with everything you just said.

I have seen this scenario play out in real life and my friend has destroyed the relationship she is in because of controlling behaviour and drama because she has anxiety and refuses to get help for it or take good advice.

Not that the op isn't real life.

I really think you need to get a grip OP. He's an adult! He's allowed out on a Friday night until 9.50pm! Look we've all said we'll be somewhere by 7, got drinking and lost track of time. He didn't "lie" he's just late! FFS! You need to relax and look at the big picture here!

You just sound awfully posessive.

Have you never stayed out longer than you planned? Got caught up in the moment when you're having a good time? I fully planned to go out for one drink after work last night. I got in at midnight.