I need to end it don't I?

[smileygrapefruit]

So I posted less than a month ago(!) about DH staying out later than he said he would and my anxiety regarding this. I genuinely thought we had gotten through to each other last time. Today he left at 9am for a corporate works do thing, it would involve food and drink and would go on to about 5ish, he said he'd probably go for a beer with the boss after but wouldn't be late. He rang at around 3.30pm saying he'd had a great time, him and the boss were going to pop for a beer and get the train home. He spoke to our 3 year old DD and told her he'd be home for bedtime. Well guess what, both kids are asleep now and he's not home. I've managed not to ring him since 6ish (really hard for me) when i tried to get through to check he'd made the train (he didn't have signal as it tried to connect and then went to voicemail) and my anxiety has been growing and growing since then. I am shaking and feel sick. He's not only lied to me but now to our children. I have locked the door and put a note outside basically telling him I'm done. I'm too angry/hurt/upset to even talk to him right now. I don't think I'm strong enough to end my marriage but I know that's what I need to do. Also didn't mention in my previous post that I am 20 weeks pregnant!! I can't stop crying. Why would he do this???

[Inneedofaholiday2017]

I'd just say to him it's the false expectations that upset you - if he had texted at 7 saying he'd missed train and was going for another drink you wouldn't be upset.
Maybe next time he goes out just expect that he'll be home at midnight and you'll have to get kids to bed etc and evening on your own and then if he comes back earlier great. Tell him he doesn't need to tell you unless he's after midnight and then you def can't be upset with each other.
Is he still loving and respectful elsewhere in rekaupnsuup ? Do you think he's feeling pressure of new baby coming?

[GlumsTheWord]

OP - my DH used to be like this and I completely understand the anxiety you are feeling right now. I remember all too well, the phone call,
telling me he was on his way home and then the sick feeling as the hours ticked by and he didn't show up. He is 47 now and hasn't done it for years, I think a high pressure job and the responsibility of DC have finally had their effect. However, I still feel that anxiety every time he goes out and it has definitely had an effect on the trust in our relationship.

I was very young when I met DH and in a very bad place emotionally as I was grieving for the death of my last surviving parent. I think if I had been stronger and more mature I would have ended it - it was really bad behaviour. But, he is also a fantastically loving DH who has now changed his behaviour - so I understand how tough it is to call. Looking back, I also wish I had given him a proper taste of his own medicine. He is fairly protective of me and gets worried about me coming home from a night out - because he wants to know I'm safe. I think if I had made the point of going off the grid like he did a couple of times, it might have sunk in just how upsetting it is.

Anyway, OP, I know how upsetting it is.

[GladysKnight]

I too think OP is getting an unreasonably hard time. As I said upthread, I'd be furious if DH was so late after telling me he'd be home at x time. And so would loads of other posters on other threads. It's not "controlling“ to expect your spouse to keep their word, is it?

[HarryElephante]

It seems to me if you were straight up and had no issues with him socialising, he wouldn't have a need not to contact you when he was out. Maybe he is avoiding contact as he thinks he'll be on the end of a rant, so it's easier just to face the music when he gets home.

You do seem anxious and controlling but I am going on one minute snapshot of your life and it may not be representative at all.

[Softkitty2]

He doesnt go out all the time, doesnt cheat on you, he just gets carried away.. 'He has lied to the children' 😒

Massive over reaction

[HarryElephante]

I'd just say to him it's the false expectations that upset you - if he had texted at 7 saying he'd missed train and was going for another drink you wouldn't be upset

This would solve it. Have you tried this, OP?

[Tumtitum]

I understand how you feel OP. He's much better now but DH has had form for going out, getting too drunk, losing his phone, wallet etc. It made me so anxious whenever he went out because I wouldn't know where he was if I woke in the middle of the night and if he was okay or not. It turns into a bit of a vicious circle doesn't it as you get anxious when they go out, then probably get too fixated on when they are coming back, as my DH used to say to me it felt like I couldn't just tell him to have a nice time and was always nagging him about when he would be home. It has got better, with effort on both parts. I've accepted there will be some nights where he gets carried away and doesn't rock up until god knows when, but he has got better about not getting himself into such a mess, and he won't let me down eg if we've planned something or if he has to get up with DD. Anyway I'm rambling but just wanted to say I think some of these posts are very harsh and people don't understand the cycle you guys are in. Add into the mix that you are pregnant and probably getting anxious already about him doing this when you had two DCs. I guess my only advice is that I realised me getting anxious about it didn't make any difference to his behaviours, so I stopped. I can't promise that I don't still nag him sometimes about coming home at a reasonable hour but this is because I'm desperate for him to get up with DD as I'm so sleep deprived!! I hope things get better for you OP and that today is a happier day

[smileygrapefruit]

I'd just say to him it's the false expectations that upset you - if he had texted at 7 saying he'd missed train and was going for another drink you wouldn't be upset

This would solve it. Have you tried this, OP?

Yes! That's what is the issue. That he doesn't give a shit. Last time this is basically what we agreed. He wouldn't get ridiculously drunk and would be home at a reasonable time...would text to let me know...and I would try to relax and leave him to enjoy himself. But he didn't text last night. And was 3 hours later than he said.

[PsychedelicSheep]

'Last night I had made tea and we planned to start a new series on Netflix'

I can see why this would cause frustration and yes it would be annoying. But anxiety is different surely? Anxiety is usually about worry or concern, not irritation (although i appreciate they can feel the same physiologically). So what is it you're worried about happening when he goes out?

[Writerwannabe83]

It's the disregard for your feelings that's the problem.

When my DH goes out he gives me a rough estimate of when he will be home and if he's going to be late he just sends me a quick text to jet me know. There's no way he would ever be hours late without letting me know as it's just common courtesy. If I hadn't heard from him and he still wasn't home 2+ hours later than he said he'd be then I would automatically start to worry that something had happened to him.

Likewise, when I go out I tell him when I will be back and let him know if that later changes with a quick call or text. It's not exactly hard is it?

The fact that OP's DH knows she has anxiety and still acts this way makes it even worse. If you love someone why would you want to make things worse for them?

OP has spoken to her DH about this as he behaves like it often, he said he would change yet the first opportunity he gets to go out he just reverts back to type.

You aren't overreacting at all OP and I completely understand why you feel so upset. I would hate to feel so disregarded because it wouldn't give me much faith in my relationship or how much my feelings mattered to my DH.

[SparklingRaspberry]

Going off her last thread, the OP had anxiety before the children and before this relationship.

He is a grown adult. He does not need to tell you a time he will be back by. Stop treating him as if you're his mother.

You do realise, if he feels able to have a night out without being pestered by you constantly, and without having to give a time he'll be back, chances are he will come back home happier knowing he's not gunna get an ear full from his nagging partner?

Sounds like you're using the kids to justify your 'anxiety' because let's face it OP even if you didn't have any children you'd still be giving him a hard time - you pretty much admitted that in your last thread.

The only person ruining your relationship here is you.

[smileygrapefruit]

Again...

I have said why I'm anxious. It's not him going out, it's him lying and drinking to excess.

And yes, the fact he obviously doesn't care about my feelings like he should.

[smileygrapefruit]

Well he's just apologised. "Sorry I was so late, it really wasn't what I intended." It doesn't mean as much because he apologised last time and said he'd be more considerate.

[SandyGEE12]

I agree with you that you should be very angry. It's the complete lack of caring that you and your children will be upset. I wouldn't end the marriage but he needs to understand that when he behaves like this it makes it seem that he doesn't care about your feelings at all.

[Marilynsbigsister]

OP , are you able to cope with your DH just leaving the house for the day - like yesterday- and saying ' I'm off now. Don't know when I'll be back - don't wait up ' and then for you to quite happily get on with your day ?

Or is that something that you cannot imagine him saying- either because he knows you would find that impossible to deal with OR you will ring/text constantly wanting an ETA of his return. ?

[Lilyloo456]

I can relate to this. My ex husband was a abusive drunk and I suffered when he used to come home. Consequently I don't like to be around drunk men and get really anxious if I have a boyfriend and they go out for the night. However I've been with a fantastic bloke for nearly two years who rarely goes out but when he does he never knows when to come home In the beginning I'd ask him when he was coming back and keep texting which obvs annoyed him and he'd end up staying out later which caused arguments. However, he's not out every weekend and he is not my ex h so I have had to learn to calm down and deal with it rationally. As hard as it is. Like you he used to tell me a time he'd come home and then not turn up for hours later and my problem
Was like you- I just wanted to know if he was ok. The lack of communication pissed me
Off and it felt disrespectful. I've just learned now that when he goes out ( which is pretty rare to be fair) to just let him get on with it and do something that night I want to do weather it's go see my friends or do something with my teenage daughter. I've had to train myself to relax as
I'm not his mum and I would go mental
If It was the other way around and I was getting grief every time I went out, he's also stopped saying a specific time. He just says not too late haha. It's really hard but I think you have to weigh up the pros and cons. And if this is a deal breaker for you or not. At the end of the day everyone can offer their opinions but you're the one who has to live this relationship. I know for me the problem
Lies with my anxiety and depression and that's something I have to deal
With. X

[JeffJarrett]

I just read the last thread too.

You admitted there you have a problem with anxiety and that you want to tell him "nooo, don't go" when he's going out. That you have to be home at 12 when you go out together because of the babysitter, so you want him to be back by then when he's out alone too.

It does feel like you're jealous of him having a good time without you, and I understand you're pregnant and maybe you don't even want to go out drinking with your friends when you're not. But it isn't unreasonable for him to want to go out a couple of times a month just because it isn't what you want.

From the other thread, it seems like you ask him for a time he'll be home, at that time you wait an hour and then start ringing/texting to chase him up. At that point he knows he's going to get a bollocking from you so even if he were on his way home then he probably thinks "fuck it. Might as well stay out longer" since you're already angry at him.

You said you were angry last night as he didn't text you to say he was going to be late, was drunk and stayed out late. He had no signal and then his battery died. How then could he ring you and let you know he was going to be late yesterday? Was he falling down drunk? Otherwise it's unreasonable to expect him to come sober after a work do. He was 2 hours 45 minutes late. It was before 10 pm. Again, I don't think that's too bad.

How shit must it be to be having a great time but be clock watching all night and knowing there's going to be an argument at the end of it? Watching everyone having fun and having to leave earlier than everyone is because your wife doesn't like you being out without them.

If this is your only issue then it would be crazy to end your marriage for this.

[GertrudeBelle]

I think the problem is that OP clearly wants DH to come home earlier than he wants to. He wants the flexibility to come home later, if he's having a good time with his friends.

So, OP, if you don't have a problem with him going out and it's the failure to meet promises which gets to you, can you not agree with him that in future he will say:

"I am going out tonight, not entirely sure when I'll be back, so crack on and do your own thing"

[Cricrichan]

I think that yes, he's inconsiderate but if you both know that on the rare occasions he goes out, he comes back later than expected, why does he have to tell you what time he'll be back?

When I go out, sometimes I want to be back by 11 because I've had enough and other times it'll be 3am. If we have babysitters or something on the next day then you have to come back when agreed but otherwise, why can't he just play it by ear?

Also, you need to start going out and letting him stay home and look after the kids. Relax and enjoy yourself. It'll show you that you don't love the person you're with less just because you're having a good time out and lose track of time

[Lilacpink40]

OP I feel for you, but not sure your level of anxiety is encouraging him to make honest contact whilst out. Is it worth saying in advance on nights out he'll be as late as he wants, but sleep downstairs and limited to once/twice a month for these heavy nights?

After pregnancy he could offer you the same freedom of nights completely off DC duty? (Or days if you prefer).

[Writerwannabe83]

"I am going out tonight, not entirely sure when I'll be back, so crack on and do your own thing"

Meanwhile the 3 year old is left to her own devices.....

The OP can't just "crack on and do her own thing" as yet again she's at home looking after their child whilst he's out having fun with his mates.

[Californiasoul]

OP, as you said yourself, his phone battery was probably flat as he'd been out since 9am. He wasn't back that late. I wouldn't be bothered by a couple of hours late. He doesn't go out much (by your own admission) so your daughter isn't missing much, one night of not seeing Daddy before bedtime.
I thought by your reaction he'd come home at 6am (like mine did last year) by the hysterics. You need to calm the fuck down and seek help for your raging anxiety and insecurities.

[smileygrapefruit]

California they see daddy 2 nights a week, if he's not going out, as he works 12 hour days.

[GertrudeBelle]

Today 10:42 Writerwannabe83

"I am going out tonight, not entirely sure when I'll be back, so crack on and do your own thing"

Meanwhile the 3 year old is left to her own devices.....

The OP can't just "crack on and do her own thing" as yet again she's at home looking after their child whilst he's out having fun with his mates.

OP was complaining in her previous posts about not knowing when to eat, watch Netflix etc. So yes, she can crack on and do this without waiting for him.

Her DC will be in bed so surely there's some way she is able to occupy herself without her DH being there other than getting herself hugely worked up and leaving notes on the door etc ? Most of us manage.

And this is not a case where OP's DH is out the whole time and she doesn't have similar opportunities. She has said that he'll do it about every 2-3 months. It really, really isn't unreasonable for him to not specify and stick to a precise ETA on those odd nights.

[smileygrapefruit]

I actually said every 1-2 months so probably about every 6 weeks. And yes, the kids were in bed...half an hour after their bedtime as we'd been waiting for him BECAUSE HE TOLD US HE WOULD BE HOME.