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Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. III) (1000 Posts)

(375 Posts)
Porffor Fri 20-Jan-17 23:40:39

As the title says - carried forward from first two threads.

IronNeonClasp Fri 20-Jan-17 23:55:52

Thank the gods smile and Porffor flowers

Me tonight continuing from thread 3 - sorry crap post 2 sad

No shag here - not since June.

I am so down tonight - waste of a Friday evening. Same routine. No one to talk to. Go to bed with DD. Same routine. Get me out of here. I feel a trapped and broken woman!

Porffor Sat 21-Jan-17 07:42:46

Time to get some change in effect and stop that feeling trapped and broken.

I must admit the no shag part is a relief, I've not been 'feeling it' for a while now and it's been going through the motions. I'm not even missing it.

STBXH is currently listen guitars he owns on eBay, he has a hell of a lot of music 'stuff' as he collects / hoards music etc, but also instruments which don't take up the most room, but I'm leaving him to it. He's stated he can't take it all with him and I'm not offering to have it here. I want space, when he goes he takes his 'stuff'.

I feel awful in some ways, like the train is hurtling down the tracks about to de-rail and I could stop it, but I don't want to, I now it needs to de-rail for change to happen but it's going to be messy.

Ruddygreattiger2016 Sat 21-Jan-17 08:38:18

Hi, been a lurker on the old threads and am in the process of getting my ducks in a row. I could use any tips or advice from you guys as I have decided to call time on my marriage but am terrified of hurting my dd and dh.

I have got copies and original paperwork with wages, mortgage details etc together and have just applied for my Tax Credits forms, they may take 2 weeks to arrive I have been told.
My initial plan is to officially separate but we would both be living in the family home, that way I can hopefully be eligible for tax credits which is essential for me as there is no other way I can save up enough money even for a deposit on a rental place if I do need to move out (dd would be coming with me if that happens). Do you guys think I would get tax credits though if me and dh are still in the same house?
I have first hand experience from my parents on how NOT to divorce so I am determined to keep everything as amicable as possible for our dd but my dh is not going to take this very well (not physically aggressive, but he will be crushed emotionally).
My dh is a good dad, very involved with our dd when he is not working but as a husband I find him such a boring disappointment. I have given up trying to chivvy him along to get things done and he does realise I don't love him anymore but he is determined to keep his very grumpy head in the sand.

Sorry for the essay, sure in a couple of years time we will all be in much better place but at the moment I am so scared for my dd's happinesssad

Porffor Sat 21-Jan-17 09:07:55

Hi and welcome to the board no one wants to be on I guess. Sorry to read about what you're going through but glad you're getting your ducks in a line, I love that saying. I'm also in the process of trying to do this.

I have a direct debit form to do for DD3's swimming lessons to transfer to my bank. Also lots of other things. my mobile is in my DH's name and they won't transfer it till August when the contract runs out - i'm hoping he's not shirty over it.

One little step a day or more is my goal.

Ruddygreattiger2016 Sat 21-Jan-17 09:41:42

Thanks Porffor, yep baby steps at the mo. My mobile used to be in a package under dhs name but I took out my own package last summer, he was a bit put out at the time and thinking about it now he was prob a bit unnerved I was going against his 'better judgement'.hmm I would say when the contract expires treat yourself to exactly what YOU want, ignore any pouting!

He must know we are on the rocks, no sex in months, daily low level sniping and he even said the other day how bored I looked when we sat in a coffee shop. His response is to get grumpier every day. I am only 44 and just wonder how we ended up such a miserable couple. After this is over I do not want a relationship or to ever live with another man, I want me backsad

Porffor Sat 21-Jan-17 11:47:25

I'm the same age as you - am 45 in 10 days. Something i'm dreading if DH is still in the house in honesty as it'll be just as fake if not more so than xmas getting a wife card from him etc.

I think DH is sorting some direct debits from our joint account - he has his own account already has had for the 20 years we've been together.

I opened a new account a couple of months ago as saw this coming and it shocked him then. I've moved a few things across but the majority are still needing attention so have to get busy. It's hard when I'm working full time hours but that stops on the 17th Feb.

I will buy my way out of the contract with my phone if i need to, it's not expensive as monthly sim only.

Ahh we'll get where we need to be.

I just bumped into a lady I know from breast feeding group when DD3 was a baby, i know she's on her own and i very nearly asked her for advice / how you doing. We chatted about the kids so that was nice, I do have a couple of 'almost friends' who i could turn to, but after so long married / mum / working I don't have any close friends at all. Something i need to change in time.

Ruddygreattiger2016 Sat 21-Jan-17 12:12:07

You are a step ahead of me as you have already had 'the talk'! I don't know many divorced women close enough to ask for advice so you ladies are a godsend!
Our finances have always been separate, I pay a few hundred into hs account every month towards mortgage and household bills but after that I am usually skint so I got a second job a few months ago which helps but I still struggle (h earns around 3 times my salary and refused to pool our household income which is one of the reasons I have had enough).
Yep I find things much easier when hes working, I do everything with dd, house, work etc when hes not around so imagine it wont be that different when we do

Porffor Sat 21-Jan-17 12:34:02

Mortgage and unequal pay = solicitor advice needed I think. Someone said on here you get half an hour free so it's worth getting a few things together to ask.

When it comes to physically leaving a mortgaged home I think it's different too - it's advisable to stay put both of you till one buys the other out after divorced. Sounds awful I know.

The 'talk' was awful, man i felt horrible and built up to it in my mind, he didn't take any reason i had on board, and dismissed everything. Something he does, he walked away twice and I had to follow him. I cried and talked / opened my heart and ended up feeling like he just ignored my feelings.
we talked again as I was looking at leaving and having 50/50 care of our girls, but we worked out that i'd be best for everyone if he went.. but then he went into kind of denial and tried to act normal. So last night it flairing up again has hit him hard I know.

I think emotionally - looking at the grief of separation / divorce online and bearing in mind that we are preparing our minds already and moving forward, where as they're in either denial or ignorance and therefore have grief and shock to come before acceptance and planning. It really helped me not be angry at his reaction but understand it was hard and he truly believed we could just get over it.

I did remind him he'll still be a dad of three and the father of my children, that we'll still have a tie and the girls still need him. We need to work together to parent still even when in 2 different households.

I don't know how long this will take for us, but plans are being made and intention accepted, so hopefully it'll be smoother when it happens for a bit of time and no one just walking out and slamming a door.

Ruddygreattiger2016 Sat 21-Jan-17 12:50:25

Thanks Porfor, yes was thinking of seeing a local solicitor but cannot find any thst do a free half hour but I might start phoning around. Ideally I want to sort out as much as possible between us and would be fine with 50/50 equity split and basic child maintenence. I expect him to have access to dd every day if needed, I will never deny him that.
Yes I have learned that it is in my interests to stay in the house but I feel it would be sensible to save just in case I have to go so I am hoping I will be eligible for tax credits as a single person on low income, fingers crossed.
Realistically we are going to have to talk in the next couple of weeks, I struggle keeping al this inside, I used to love him so much and the thought of hurting him like this is eating me up.
Yes you are right, we have had time to think, plan etc whereas they have to start processing it from the start, even though I am sure they must see it coming.

Porffor Sat 21-Jan-17 14:29:10

Yeah I know what you mean about it eating you up and the struggle. I've had months of acceptance and then planning. I agree on the money front also. I don't have much but have whittled down a credit card and also have a little bit of savings (not much).

Kids are expensive though - just been shopping with my girls as a reminder DD2 has lost her gym kit in secondary school (she has already lost 2 winter coats last term - brand new at that). So that is another £40-50 down the drain.

Porffor Sun 22-Jan-17 20:38:30

Well that's it, DH is STBXH as he's leaving on Friday. he's happy to have rented a room in a shared house. He has 3 children who will want to see him and stay over, but hey he didn't think that mattered despite my reminding him.

Now to tell them, and figure out how I'm going to manage financially.

IronNeonClasp Tue 24-Jan-17 19:21:41

So. I did something nonsensical on Sat night. Got really, really drunk and did some kind of 'swansong' with him. DTD and I am so utterly ashamed and furious with myself. I think he thinks everything is ok now which it's far from.

I have found a 3-bed house that I am obsessed with. But it's really way out of my range. Have asked my Dad for a lifeline and sent him house specs today (he is holding on to my Grandparents inheritance). I have played three lines on the Euromillions tonight. I am absolutely desperate to move out.

Feeling desperate... sad

misswhatdoto2 Wed 25-Jan-17 09:32:48

We have progress! At last! Such a relief.

Told him last week that I was going to solicitors for advice and think that has shook him up as truly believe he didn't think I meant it all this time. After several conversations this week last night was actually really good. We laughed and joked and will never accept us breaking up or the reasons for it but has agreed to accept my decision and work forward by selling the house. I told him numerous times that I want us to do this together and for things not to get nasty and he agrees! Talked about having to get things cleared and sorted in the house before we sell and finding new places to live.

It's such a relief and as I told him. I don't hate him and would be much easier for us both and the kids if we can deal with this amicably.

He still holds out hope that one day we can be like we were but has accepted this is what is happening. Will be continuing talks this week as to the fine details but finally feel like we've taken a step forward.

Only sticking point is that he wants us to go on one last family holiday before we split which I'm not sure is such a good idea. I think it will confuse the kids even more and does not send the right message. However, it's a minor point in the whole situation that can deal with a bit further down the line

IronNeonClasp Thu 26-Jan-17 19:28:23

This thread has gone very quiet. Where is everyone? hmm

Ruddygreattiger2016 Fri 27-Jan-17 19:52:26

Evening all, quick update. My tax credits forms arrived and it has all suddenly become very real. I was getting a bit flustered filling in the form so rang the helpline to double check I can claim and the advisor initially said as we are living together and both paying bills I would not be able to make a claim as a single person? I then made it clear that mortgage and all bills are in my hs name only and I transfer money every month to which the advisor said then yes I can claim. I am worried now that if I do get tax credits they may change their mind and want any payments they make given back! This is the only way I can save enough to enable us to eventually live in different houses so I am a bit stressy today.
Still haven't had the dreaded talk. I need to make sure I know my facts and figures before I do as he will be devastated and I want to reassure him that we can separate amicably if we both put dds welfare first and foremost.
I am currently thinking that if h extends the term of the current mortgage to bring the monthly figure down then I should be able to pay that and the household bills with the wages from both jobs plus tax credits (they would be vital). H could then rent somewhere and pay basic child maintenance and this would probably work out quite a bit cheaper for him. Does that sound reasonable and realistic?? Tbh I am not fussed staying in the house but I want as little disruption for dd as pssible. So sorry for my essay, no-one I an talk to about thisblush

Ruddygreattiger2016 Fri 27-Jan-17 21:00:32

How you doing porrfor, has he gone today??

Aw Miss, your post makes me hopeful we can be so amicable and adult about splitting as you x

shandybass Sat 28-Jan-17 19:42:08

Hi. Marking my place as I keep losing you. I started a part III as well which was confusing.
A bit hectic here, dh is laid up after an injury and I have promised to stay til he gets back on his feet. He's been so up and decent since telling his family it's weird. Even more weird is that mil who I thought would be viscoous to me after being told is overly nice to me, it's all getting to me when all I want to do is move on to the next step.
I think mine must be the longest split in history. Love to all. Will read up later.

IronNeonClasp Sat 28-Jan-17 21:20:02

Tried to have a v profound conversation with him tonight. For us to address underlying issues rather than split. Ended weirdly. I am going to sleep in our bed tonight and try to cuddle him. I am feeling so desperate and low tbh.

Samsbakery Sat 28-Jan-17 22:00:57

My story's going from bad to worse tbh, feel so so sorry for dh, he's amazing so helpful with everything, he's practically running the house on his own at the moment because I'm just useless, can't think straight.
I was on a night out with friends last week (literally a twice a year occurrence) and I can't actually believe what happened, was like something out of a film, suffice to say it has confirmed that I cannot stay married, I'm a disgrace. Reall need to sort myself out.

shandybass Sun 29-Jan-17 08:18:52

Sam and Iron sending you hugs. It's such a hard place to be and we end up in knots emotionally.

IronNeonClasp Sun 29-Jan-17 11:59:06

Thanks Shandy. I don't know what I'm doing...

ArabellaArmstrong Sun 29-Jan-17 20:11:53

Finding this so hard. I feel like I'm unintentionally playing games with dh. I rejected him a couple of times this weekend and he was very hurt. Then I felt so guilty watching him looking so dejected and sad so I kissed him even though I didn't want to and now he is confused and hurt and I feel like a stupid coward.

I know that I'm behaving terribly so why am I prolonging this? And why am I so emotionally immature? As time goes on my self esteem (and dh's) is plummeting.

IronNeonClasp Sun 29-Jan-17 20:52:51

Arabella. I DTD with DH last weekend first time since June. It was awful.
Please don't beat yourself up flowers

QueSera Mon 30-Jan-17 09:48:17

flowers to everyone here

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