Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. III) (1000 Posts)

[Porffor]

As the title says - carried forward from first two threads.

Thanks Hurley - that's what my soon to be divorced friend said - I'm just not sure I can be resilient enough to cope with that and preparing a house to be sold and all the other crap that comes with moving (bearing in mind H will do NONE of this work at all ).

I will just have to create a situation/pounce on any opportunity to move things in that direction! He is angrily against anything that has a whiff of separation about it, despite having said clearly in the past that this might be an idea (when he was angry about the DCs) as he obv can't cope with them. It is going to be an uphill struggle I think!!!

Well it looks like I'm stuck in this marriage forever.
Husband not sleeping at all, crying all the time, begging me to give him another chance, I've told him he's not done anything wrong, it's just that I'm done, he literally is the perfect husband but we've not had sex for 4 years ffs!
The emotional connection went a long time ago for me, the thought of intimacy with him makes me cringe.
I really feel that if I push this he will do something stupid and I can't risk that and how it would destroy the kids lives.
I wish I could click my fingers and fall back in love with him but I think I'm going to have to keep going so as not to rock the boat .

Sam. Although I would say you should not have to be a prisoner. I feel the same. No spark and wish I could switch everything back on! But I can't.

So I stayed over a GF's house on Sat as I couldn't face getting a cab and I didn't see the point of going home to sleep on the sofa when I could stay on someone else's sofa. Cue massive row when I got back in the morning. I am feeling extremely down and just clueless at what to do... Tried to sleep with DD but ended up on sofa. I feel so trapped and alone.

Oh iron and Sam - you are certainly not alone though we are not there in person. What a horrible feeling it is being trapped. I completely feel the same way - it is impossible for me to imagine being free - I'm so fed up with this rollercoaster of 'I have to get out!' and then 'I can't leave' - it is exhausting.

Oh Sam, I am in EXACTLY aim the boat as you but we CAN rock it! You are not responsible for him (i am saying this to myself as much as you, bear with me). I have a thread going in Chat titled 'I have fucked up' - sorry can't link on phone.

If you want to end it, you end it. What he chooses to do from there is his business. My P has done exactly what you describe this weekend and it's like I have to continue opening the wound by telling him it is over for me. Don't let him emotionally black mail you into doing what you don't want. But I utterly understand why it would be 'easier' in the short term to go back in your word. But not easier for you long term.

Keep going, we are here for you.

Jesus, thanks you lot, knowing there's others feeling the same out there really helps.
Am I being selfish separating? because it would be so much easier staying together but am I not allowed to be happy?
What if we separate and it's a complete mistake? ( this is a chance I am willing to take)
I need intimacy I can't carry on like this but I'm biding my time till later in the year when exams are over and give him a chance to come to terms with it.

Sam as someone whose stbex would also not accept it, did the crying thing etc I really recommend you do not back down now, he will think things are ok and you will go back to square one time & time again. I gave chance after chance and all it did was prolong things and give him a false sense of thinking I would never go through with it. You have done the hard part, you need to be resolute. It will cause more pain otherwise. I asked myself time & time again was I being selfish. I think I finally realise no, I am as deserving of happiness as he is and how could we both be happy together if I am unhappy and would he really want to be with me if I am only staying with him because of the kids or because he wants me to. Not because I want to. It's really tough.

Iron, you really really need to leave, this is destroying you. Please do something for you

You are right HotWater. Just seems like a fucking huge mountain to climb...

A bit at a time, it's worth it. I'm coming down the other side now and it feels amazing

I totally agree with Hot. So we feel horrendous guilt..for not accepting a life half lived? For wanting to be content and happy? For, unbelievably..putting ourselves (and dcs) happiness before his? Why do the men in this not feel one iota of guilt for asking /expecting us to sacrifice so much for them? Because they are mostly innately selfish creatures, I don't think they can even help it...but we do not have to accept it.
Do it, don't go back to square one, it's probably too damaged to repair. Plod on one little step at a time, each step /day is closer to getting out of the situation. I felt trapped too, was like I was facing a life being with someone I didn't want to spend time with.. Because it suited him alone.
Do it ladies...

This is how I feel – he has changed so much since we got married, he's not interested in sex, he's not interested in me, his temper has got worse and worse and he completely doesn't care that it upsets me or DS, but I'm going to be made out to be the bad guy for ending things when I feel like he's the one who changed the conditions of our relationship to get to this point!

Have been sleeping on the sofa for three weeks now. Still not had the Conversation (is there ever a good time?) but surely he realises it's coming when I sleep separately every night?

Hurley I will reply to your very cool post.

Lego - I am sick of the sofa for the sake of him having a decent sleep.

Update from me. Thanks for all of your supportive messages - especially yesterday - and taken a leap of faith today based on a recommendation from a friend and booked a solicitor a couple of weeks away.

Good luck Iron

Good advice Hurley - not sure I am strong enough to take it yet- feeling so low and rubbish. Can't be bothered to do anything. Just hoping I get some sleep so things look less shitty tomorrow

Addled, that's the thing, it sucks the strength and hope out of you..just tell yourself it can get better.. It will but you have to make it happen in your time

So tonight he left. I've begged, cried & written letters asking for space. It's been a marriage of 14 years. The last 2 he has completely detached & doesn't speak to me nor listen when I speak. I've felt so isolated. We fell out again 6 weeks ago when I finally convinced him to spend time with me & once the kids were in bed he went to his friends house.... while I was mid sentence!!! He asked me last week if I really wanted him to leave. I said yes. He got up from the couch & went to bed..... and nothing. I'm not in my home country, I'm a sahm mother & I have no escape. Finally he agreed to go stay at his parents. He packed really, really slowly. Kept trying to make conversation. The first attempt in weeks. I feel nothing. Not relief. Not sadness. Nothing. I've had a couple glasses of wine. Cleaned the kitchen & now getting ready for bed. Calm.

Echidnas. Welcome. The courage of people like you and others show here is truly humbling when I consider how hard it is for me who have few of your difficulties.
I hope you continue to feel and have peace.
The peacevwhen dh left the house used to be such a lovely feeling but of late it's not been quite enough as I know he'll come back. But soon hopefully I'll be in my new home.
I've tried to calculate fairly the cost of our household contents in order to split it, the dim remaining is berry small esp co sidering webe got lovely oak stiff and thru just wast to sleep.

I'm just starting this journey, it's been really helpful to read all of your stories. I moved out with the kids last year for a month and stayed with family but it was too unsettling for the children and didn't feel fair that expartner was in the house while we were struggling. I came back home and things were ok but nothing really changed. He still sat up all night playing on stupid games, was still spending all his time messaging "friends" off the game while barely saying a word to me, would sleep in the couch and didn't want to do anything with me or the children. It felt like living with a teenager and I turned in to his nagging mum. I told him I don't like the person he makes me, he turns me on to a nag and I feel like his mum. He said he will change (again) but I actually just thought for a minute and realised that I didn't want him to change because nothing he could do could make me love him again. I do still care about him though and want him to be happy. I feel selfish that I'm turning my kids lives upside down but hopefully everything will settle. I move out at the end of March I've put a deposit on a rental house, money will be tight but we will be ok. Ex wants to keep the house, not pay any maintainance but I will have to deal with that later. The kids don't know yet but they know that things aren't right. It's the kids I'm most worried about, how have other people's children taken the news?

My kids have been brilliant, tears at first but otherwise very grown up about it, taking it all in their stride. They are 16 & 13 though. I have now told them I am seeing someone and my daughter said she is so happy for me.

Hi Hair! You are so brave - I feel just like you felt about your DH - like I am a nag and that there is nothing he can do to make it better etc. I will channel you!!
How old are your DCs? I am sure they will surprise you - it seems that way for most people!

Likewise Echidnas - well done you! Good luck with it all - I will also channel you too! (Am choosing my moment for 'the talk')

That's brilliant Hotwater, it sounds like they are taking it all in there stride. Good luck with the new relationship too.

Thanks Adlebrained, I don't feel very brave but I know I've made the right decision so there's no turning back. I just hope in a year I can look back and feel like it's all going to be ok. My children are 6, 10 and 14, I think the little one will find it the hardest because she's so sensitive, she will worry about us both not being happy. Good luck Adle, do you have a plan?

No plan! Keep chickening out! Would involve living together for at least 4 months if I do it now, so am thinking will leave it til a bit closer to the leaving date so there will be an atmosphere for less time!! I am laying the groundwork by making my displeasure clear when we are alone, but he is choosing to ignore it and being pleasant for once!! He annoys me. My DCs are 3 and 6 - I don't know who will be more upset...

Addlebrained - this sounds exactly like me! Desperately want to end things but would be a few months before we could actually split, so I'm torn between wanting to do this now and not wanting to have to live together with it for ages. But at the same time DH will need time to get used to it, I've had the best part of a year knowing this...

It's really hard to know what to do for the best. By the time I move out it will be 2 months since saying I wanted out. I don't want to say anything to the kids until closer to the time, I just want to keep everything the same for them until it has to change. Ive found it useful to keep on talking a little bit to ex (feels strange saying that) and then giving him time to process things, we then come back to it once he's had time to think about it. Tonight I said we needed to talk about the house, he wasn't happy, by tomorrow he will hopefully discuss it a bit. It's exhausting!